101 Things you DON'T Want to Hear Your Apprentice Say

    "Does Enlarge work on a Sphere of Annihilation?" Michael Sandy
    "You wouldn't mind if I took the carpet for a trip over a weekend, would
    "Was that rune inscribed on the cage important?"
    "Want some help?"
    "Could you come down here? I mean, _now_?" Jason D Corley
    "Quick !! How does one _unsummon_ a demon lord ?"
    "I wonder what this wand does ?" (as he waves it around)
    "Remember that demon that you _had_ imprisoned down in the cellar ?
    "Oooops !!"
    "Was I supposed to light the candles around the pentagram?" Jose L. Martinez
    "You mean those sticks (read wands) in the corner weren't kindling?"
    "I finally shot that owl that's been folowing you around!"
    "By the way, what's the reverse of "summon"?"
    "That fire wand only had 25 charges left on it!"
    "How do you you control something once it gets out of the pentagram?" Karl
    "The warding circle for this demon wasn't continuous before, was it?"
    "What happens if I mix these two potions together?"
    "So this wand fires a fireball if I point it at something and say Braxat'?"
    "How was I supposed to know she was a succubus?" =)
    "You wouldn't happen to have a banishment spell memorized... Oh, no
    reason...." The Grim Reaper
    "Did I err?" Sea Wasp
    "But you didn't tell me that I COULDN'T do that!"
    "Hey, I bet I can do that better than you can!"
    "Study?!? I'm too good for that?"
    "When do I get to make things go BOOOOOMM?"
    "Oh, that component was worth THAT much?"
    "Work? Why? I summoned your demon to do it! ... Of course I had to erase the
    pentagram! What do you think I am, an idiot?"
    "But this was supposed to be foolproof!"
    "I don't understand!!"
    "I thought you said "Cone of Cold" not "Coin of Gold"!"
    "Hey, just who do you think you are, my teacher?" Paul Higday
    "What kind of glue do you use to fix a DragonOrb?"
    "Master, I kind of forgot to feed your familiar."
    "Those books with the blue binders do burn!" rennie@pembvax1
    "Uhh.. you know that nubile virgin you bought in last night? Well, we
    started talking and.. uhh.. one thing led to another...."
    "Hey look, Master! I saw this nice globe of crystal lying around, so I cut
    off the top and now I can keep Mambo, my goldfish, in it!"
    "What's in this bottle? * POP * Uhh... oh-oh..."
    "Sorry about that, Master. I promise I won't wave your wand around again.
    Hmm.. what's this frog doing here?"
    "Master, is this pronounced 'HAStur HAStur HAStur' or 'HasTUR HasTUR
    "Ribbit." He-Who-Posts-Fro (Spring Heeled Jack!!!)
    "Oh, I threw it away."
    "What's this scroll that says...Wish...on it do?"
    "This weird guy with horns and stuff came looking for you. He asked if
    Razzlefratz was there. I told him no, your name was Durkin. That seemed to
    make him really happy."
    "Umm...you might not want to go in the basement."
    "Hey, where did I put the top to this Decanter of Endless Water?"
    "Remember how you told me not to lie anymore? Well, Elminster stopped by to
    say hello. I told him you said he was a talentless bag of wind. He wants to
    meet you tomorrow at the Blasted Lands."
    "Was that your Staff of Power? That end table in the den needed a new leg,
    and you _told_ me to fix it..."
    "I wish you'd tell me how this Luck Blade worked!" Thanatos
    "Psst, Master... I forgot to mention that my cloak dragged off some chalk on
    the five-pointed star that Orcus is standing in now..."
    "Did you ever wonder what black cats tasted like? * BURP *"
    "You know, this Erhdolt's Endurable Eraser really works! That book over
    there only needed a few rubs of it before all the writing was gone."
    "Sir, you will be pleased with what I have just done. I have sent all those
    old and dusty tomes to the recycling center!"
    "Master, was that by any chance a Reverse Gravity scroll you left lying
    around in your alchemical lab?"
    "But Master, I did my best to make you invisible during the parade! How
    would I know it would just affect your robes?" He-Who-Posts-Fro
    "Uh, Master, why was this mirror lying face-down on your table? Master?
    Master? Gee, where'd he go?" (scratches head)
    "Hey, Master, guess what? I tidied up your scrolls. Yeah, I put them all in
    this bag I found in your closet!" (Bag (of Devouring) burps.)
    "Master, uh, you know your alchemy lab? How much do you suppose it would
    cost to get a new one?"
    "Master, what's the command to make the magic carpet go back down? You don't
    know? Uh, will you be needing your familiar any time soon?"
    "Oh, THAT was your familiar?" Chris Meadows
    "Okay, I put the fire resistence potions in the red bottles, and the cold
    resistence potions in the blue. Or was it the other way around." (While
    facing a Dragon, of course)
    "I thought this spell required a 5-sided star..."
    "Okay, I put the glyph of paralyzation on the foyer door and the fire trap
    on the library door. Then I set up the guards and wards spell, Then the Maze
    "The top of this iron bottle seems to be stuck..."
    "I had the Unseen Servant put the bags of holding in the portable hole."
    "There is an Undead Anti-Paladin to see you sir..."
    "There was a tiny pesky flying lizard around here, but I put out poisoned
    meat for it..." Michael Sandy
    "You mean the meat on the table was.. ahem. Sir, please stick your last
    finger in your mouth..."
    "Uhh.. I seem to have forgotten to bring the Manual of Mighty and Marvelous
    Magic on our voyage, Master. Will the Guide to Growing Great Geraniums do as
    "Swallow goldfish? ALIVE?"
    "Uhh.. Master, sorry to disturb your scroll-writing. You wouldn't possibly
    have seen my bottle of invisible-ink, would you?"
    THAT OUT!"
    "Did you ever wonder why so few wizards know the 'erase' spell, Master?"
    "How was I to know that Summon Swarm could call up bookworms???"
    "I managed to learn the Levitate spell, Sir. Now, without looking down,
    could you tell me how to control it?"
    "Did the scare spell work, Master? Hmm.. you're kind of pale..."
    "I shall make sure that my shocking grasp is dissipated before touching
    Master.. I shall make sure that my shocking grasp is dissipated before
    touching Master.. I shall make sure..."
    "Uhh.. sorry for falling asleep, Master. Now, could you do that spell ONE
    more time?"
    "Well, Master, I finally managed to learn the enlarge spell. Now, could you
    tell me how one gets rid of a 50' long rat?" Spring-Heeled-JACK!!!
    "Master, what should I wish for?"
    "Where does a teleported spellbook go?"
    "Hey...where'd the left tower go?" Mike Marcelais
    "Smell something you said? smoke? Nah,theres no smell of smoke here. No need
    for you to go ito the basement either. he he he. I'll just go downstairs
    with this wand of fire extinguishing for, you know, target practice."
    "Riddeeeep! Riddeeeep! Riddeeeep!*" (*HEEEEEELLLLLLPPPP!)
    "Excuse me sir but, theoretically, what would happen if someone summoned,
    ohhh, lets say a major demon from the 376 level of the Abyss?"
    "With this body in my possesion I shall now rule the world!! HAHAHAHHA!"
    "Ah sir? You know that elemental you had in your control?"
    "I was wondering sir, whats the bestway to stop a charging dragon?" Don
    "Dang, just woke up all 8 red dragons and the exits on the other side of the
    lair, sure wish my master was here (while playing with ring he just picked
    up)." craig sivils
    [someone's at the door:] "No, he's been alone in his room with that fancy
    sword for a few days now... Sure, I'll go get him for you!" Abdiel
    "Master, I seem to have finally perfected my taunt spell. By the way, the
    Duke is at the front gates with his elite guard. Could you please explain
    this to him?"
    "But we are all out of candles. I used lanterns to surround the pentacle
    "Master, watch out for the pit I just covered with my Phantasmal Force!"
    Bret Indrelee
    "You didn't have a familiar, did you?"
    "That vial of mead you were makeing tasted REALLY good!"
    "Why did the writing on that book disappear while I was reading it?
    "Hey look! These Dragon scales make a really neat jacket!" Eric
    "What happens if I read the Meteor Swarm from this scroll and points at
    you?" Brunborg
    "WHAT pentagram???"
    "Sorry about the bookworms, boss."
    "Oh, that potion! Nope, never saw it."
    "Next time, I'll make sure to point that wand the other way."
    "It's just coffee. A little soap, some warm water, a clean rag and that
    scroll will be as good as new!"
    "That nice wizard from across town paid me 200gp to deliver this box to you.
    It must be some kind of clock!"
    "Don't feel bad, boss. At least the OTHER demon didn't break free!"
    "That moldy old cloak? I sold it to some peddler for a few coppers."
    "Gee, boss, you kinda remind me of that other wizard, ah, what's-his-name,
    "I tried to stop him, boss, but he got away from me and headed straight for
    your bookcase!"
    "Well, your familiar and I got to discussin' politics, and dern if he did'nt
    say a few things that got my dander up."
    "Staff? I thought it was leftover firewood!"
    "Hey boss, did you hear this one? There was a farmer's daughter, 3 stone
    giants and a rod of many things..."
    "A short guy from that guild downtown stopped by to borrow a cup of flour,
    he said. When I turned around, he was gone!... ...along with most of your
    "That damned Earth elemental just wouldn't take no for an answer, would he
    "The witch across the street that likes you, she left a few messages on your
    crystal ball. I only read the first 1or so..."
    " 'Get me some water?' I thought you said 'I want belladonna!' "
    "These spell components sure make a mean stew!" Jason D Corley
    " no, you go first... I went first last time " Andrew Jameson
    "Please Master, allow me to light your smoking pipe with my Burning Hand
    spell." FOOOOMP ! "I'm sure your eyebrows will grow again sir !!"
    "Listen, this scroll says 'To set up a permanent time-stop field for as far
    as the eye can see, just say the word Bidlebedee.' Hmm ! Do you think it'll
    work ? ... Master I'm talking to you. ... Master ? .... Master ? ..."
    "Master, you are gonna laugh when you here dis ... I wuz practicing Fireball
    in da library and guess what ?! ... It woiked !!"
    "I'm so sorry Master, but I couldn't find any garlic, and I thought maybe
    broccoli would scare the vampire just as well !"
    "ALAS, MASTER !! I've finally done it! I've created Universal Solvent. ...
    'cept it seems to be 'eating' right through the earth and I don't know how
    to neutralize it."
    "Imagine that ! ha, ha ! Mistaking a potion of Irreversible Aging for salad
    dressing. ha, ha ! You know ... white hair looks good on you, sir !"
    "You _did_ write a will, didn't you Master ??"
    "Hey Master, listen to this neat spell: 'As you read this spell of Speech
    Impediment, you and all those around you will gladually begome unabelled to
    gomunigate in da unbestanbable wanblage tan bill bespeek uddel nonblends
    wabba dabba yabba ...." Jose L. Martinez
    "You wouldn't believe the deal I got on all those scraps of paper you kept
    up there in the chest...
    "Ummm, I think the dog I bought didn't like your cat that much but don't
    worry, I told him not to do that to the next one you get...
    "Master, I swear the king has _noooo_ sense of humor ! When I told him all
    the jokes you've been telling about him, he didn't laugh at all !!"
    "Sir, how come you didn't tell me the lock on your safe was broken ? That
    little guy you hired couldn't get it opened, so he took it back to town to
    work on it."
    "Listen, when you said you were expecting a familiar to show up, I thought
    you meant your cousin Sigmund from the West. How was I supposed to know you
    were expecting a chicken ?! ... I say let's forget about it and make the
    best of a bad situation ... do you want the leg or the breast ?"
    "You, stupid peasants !! Either you obey my master or he'll turn all of you
    into toads !! YEAH !!! You think that just because you brought four paladins
    with you that he's scared ?! NO WAY !! And as soon as he gets out of the
    bathroom he'll teach all of you a lesson !"
    "So you are out of live spiders, huh ? How about selling me some cockroaches
    ? My master is so old I don't think he'll be able to tell the difference."
    "Hey master, let me show you this neat trick ... Pick a card from this Deck
    ... any card !"
    (absolute silence, hour after hour after hour) ..... "AAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGG
    !!!! You damned apprentice !! I know you are up to something. I can hear
    your breathing !!!!!!! Where are you ?? Say something !!!! You're driving me
    CRAAAAZY !" Moral: Sometimes a silent apprentice is more terrifying than an
    apprentice than open his mouth without thinking. :-) Jose L. Martinez
    "Boy, that broom I animated really got out of control, but don't worry, I
    took an axe and chopped it up into a million pieces." Mike Williams
    "I was just in the library Master and was wondering, do you have a Xerox
    machine ?"
    "Hey, I just learnt the magic missile spell Master. Pretty accurate 'aint
    it. I'll be back later...just going down to the pub for a game of darts."
    Nathan Clarke
    "Master, I messing around with some charcoal, sulfur, and potassium nitrate
    in your lab, and I guess it got too close to the fire..."
    "Master, I have an IMPORTANT safety tip for you..."
    "So I mixed the glycerine, nitric acid, and sulphuric acid together in that
    pot that was hanging over the fire in your library..."
    "Hypothetically, what would happen if Fluffy was at the bottom of a portable
    hole when the spell expired?"
    "Remember how you wanted me to practice my Magic Missile spell? Well, I saw
    that black cat which keeps hanging around here..."
    "You do have backup copies of your spellbooks, right?" Chris Spencer
    "Please tell me another. Plleeeeaaaasssee. Oh please master. I just love
    your stories. Oh goodie thank you. Wow that apprenctice sounds real funny
    and ... what that sounds like something I did . Now wait a minute I did the
    same thing. And the master did what to the the apprentice. If I was that
    apprentice I woul... " [bright light floods the room as the Apprentice
    explodes.] David Chase
    "I didnt mean to hit you with that web spell, boss. Let me help......darned
    web.....I know! I'll BURN it off!"
    "Hey boss! Look what I found under your bed - the Fabled Bloodstone Pendant!
    Finders - Keepers!"
    "Uh boss, the Emperor is at the door with an army of guards...looks like
    he's holding that pair of boots you made for him..."
    "The witch across the street stopped by again, boss. She says if you don't
    take her to the Necromancers Ball she'll turn you into a DRESS and WEAR you
    there!" Phillip J. Geer (pjgeer@rodan.acs.syr.EDU)
    "Well I wanted to find out if it's true that cats always land on their
    "We have to do this ritual on a full moon?? I go all funny on a fu....
    "Cauldron?? I thought it was the soup!!"
    "Want a game of cards here? I'll deal you five....." (DoMT) sandman@sx.ac.uk
    "Lookit!! My own personal pit fiend!!!" steevesm@woods.ulowell.edu
    "Priest: "Shit, its a dead-end." Acolyte: "Can you resurrect it, Master?"
    John M Kewley (jk@cs.man.ac.uk)