In a yet undetermined time
I can't tell when it would be!
There were a bunch of people
Quite different from you and me!
None of them were from the same universe,
And normally they would never converse,
But circumstances being what they are,
Hojo stole them from their homes and sent them in the sky so far!
(Hojo) I'll send them stupid fanfics,
The worst that I can find! (La la la!)
I'll make them sit and read them all
And experiment on their minds! (La la la!)
Now keep in mind they can't control
Where the fanfics begin or end. (La la la!)
They'll just have to try and retain their sanity
With the jokes that they make!
Hojo: That doesn't rhyme, you know...
Ayu: Shut up, ratboy!
(*music starts up again*)
RIFFER ROLL CALL!
Ianthe! ("Make...the hurting...stop!")
Lezard Valeth! ("Open the gates of Niflheim!")
Xelloss! ("Sore ha himitsu desu! <3")
Faaaaaaaaye! ("Men are such idiots.")
If you're wondering how they survive up there,
And other science facts, (La la la!)
Shut the hell up, we were really bored one day,
So you'd better try and relax!
'Cause it's Yet Another Bad MST3K Ripoff! (*guitar riff*)
(*Ianthe is alone on the bridge, fiddling with a mug and singing*)
Ianthe: (*singing, somewhat badly*) Fifty-nine bottles of beer on the wall, fifty-nine bottles of beer, take one down, pass it around, fifty-eight bottles of beer on the wall....
Faye: (*walking into the bridge, drying her hair with a towel, having just gotten out of the bath*) What's that horrible sound?
Ianthe: (*stops singing*) *indignant* Hey! My singing isn't all that bad!
Faye: Yes it is! And you were singing one of the most annoying songs of all time!
Ianthe: Like you can do better.
Faye: What?! I'm a much better singer than you! I don't give a rat's ass what Spike says!
Ianthe: Fine then! Singing contest, go!!
(*the two start singing--very badly--and the other riffers are brought running up to the deck*)
Ramirez: (*sword drawn*) What the hell is going on?! Is there a monster on board?!
Xelloss: Faye-san, Ianthe-san, be careful! That horrible noise is very close to you!
Lezard: (*looks closer*) It's, uh...actually coming from them 0_o;
Faye&Ianthe: ...... (*glare of DEEEEEATH*)
The Boys: Uh oh.
Faye&Ianthe: DEEEEEATH!! (*start chasing the boys, who immediately start running for their lives, around the SoA*)
Ayu: (*yawning, walking into the bridge*) Nothing like an afternoon nap... (*seeing everyone running around*) ...?
Ianthe: GET BACK HERE, YOU RATBASTAAAAARDS!!!
Lezard: (*yelling back*) JUST DON'T SING AT US, OKAY?!
Ianthe: YOU'RE DEAD!!!! YOU'RE ALL DEEEEEAD!!
Xelloss: (*as they're running*) Good going, necromancer!!
Lezard: But I couldn't help myself! She can't sing!!
(*meanwhile, Ramirez and Faye are fighting sword-on-gun a la Spike vs. Vicious*)
Ayu: Wow, what did I miss? (*at that moment, the communication button starts flashing*) Ahh, son of a bitch. (*smacks the button*)
Hojo: (*leers*) How are my guin--why are there only one of you?
Ayu: Everyone else is trying to kill each other.
(*in background, Ianthe is beating Lezard over the head with Xelloss, while Ramirez and Faye are recreating Spike and Vicious' final fight*)
Hojo: ....WHAT THE HELL DO YOU PEOPLE THINK YOU'RE DOING?!?! MY SATELLITE!!!! MY BEAUTIFUL SATELLITE!!!!!
Ramirez: (*getting distracted*) De Loco? (*is shot at and almost hit*) HEY! Watch it, woman!!
Faye: Woman?! I outta shoot your brains out for that kinda of chauvinism, punk!
Ramirez: Bring it!!
Hojo: This calls for drastic measures. CLOUD, THE BUTTON!!
Cloud: Which one?
Hojo: THE button!
Cloud: (*looks*) They...all look the same.
Hojo: (*spazzing*) JUST HIT ONE!!
Cloud: (*shrugs*) Okay. (*hits a button*)
(*the entire Satellite of Amore shakes, and everyone's thrown to the ground, effectively made to stop fighting*)
Ayu: Woah, what the hell was that?!
Ianthe: (*fallen face in floor*) *waves* Hello, floor!!
Hojo: (*evil snicker*) That was the button to force the Satellite of Amore to realign itself! Nothing too serious, although the resulting movement is rather violent...as you all just saw. Now BEHAVE OR YOU ALL DIE!!!
All Except Ayu: (*reluctantly grumble amongst themselves, agreeing to stop fighting*)
Ayu: I don't even know what the hell was going on, so okay.
Hojo: (*coughs, then continues evilness*) Anyway, I believe even you primitive copies can comprehend the reason I'm contacting you once again. Yet another fanfic, this time by a certain authoress named Sique Tsuki! This is the first three chapters of the fic!
Ayu: Never heard of her.
Ianthe: (*dazed expression*) Tsuki means moon!
Ramirez: How lovely for you.
Hojo: Bwah hah hah hah!! Cloud, the button!
Cloud: Which ONE?!
Hojo: THE button, you idiotic failure of a clone!!
Cloud: (*rolls his eyes*) Which button are you talking about?
Hojo: The button to send the fanfic, of course!
Cloud: Well, why didn't you just say so?! (*presses the fic-sender's button*)
(*alarms and sirens and klaxons wailing all throughout the SoA*)
Ianthe: HI, FLOOR!!
Ayu: (*smacks her*) WE'VE GOT FIC SIIIIIGN!!
Ianthe: You fixed my brainmeats! Thank you!
Ayu: Just shut up and get moving!
(*the riffers all make their way to the theatre*)
DOOR 1: A door inscribed with kanji reading “Kyuu Sei Shu”. Ayu uses her divine Author powers to open the door.
DOOR 2: An elven-style stone door a la the one to the Mines of Moria in LotR. Ianthe says “friend in Elvish”, causing it to grind open.
DOOR 3: A door inscribed with the six Moons of the Arcadia world. Ramirez uses the Silver Crystal in his left hand to trigger the power to open them.
DOOR 4: Prison bars. Faye uses one of her high-tech secret gadgets to pick the lock.
DOOR 5: A hideous door composed of decomposing bodies. Lezard uses his necromancy to get them to shuffle out of the way.
DOOR 6: A regular door, only without a doorknob. Being the only one who hasn’t done anything, Xelloss pries it open with his staff.
[ Ianthe | Xelloss | Ayu | Lezard | Faye | Ramirez ]
>A gentle breeze played with the hair of a young girl, as the red moon
>above her closed eyes.
Ramirez: Red Moon? This doesn’t take place in Arcadia, does it?
Ianthe: Yes, I’m afraid.
Lezard: Last time was my world. Now it’s your turn to suffer.
>Her pink and white hair waved gracefully in the breeze as grains of
>into the air by the wind, fell softly onto her sleeping body, lying curled up
>slightly on a rather large and elaborate cannon.
Xelloss: All of a sudden, the cannon exploded and pumped her frail body
full of shrapnel, leaving her horribly mutilated and in excruciating pain
until she died nearly an hour later. The end.
Ramirez: (*smiling for the first time*) Mmmmm. Dark.
Faye: Excuse me, can we get some flashlights in here?
Ayu: I think we need a lighthouse for that one.
Ianthe: History Watchtower “Ideograph Desert”?
Ayu: No. Quiet, you.
>Footsteps approached the cannon on which the girl lay. A muscular man
>elaborate clothing strode towards her; a bag of gold in his large hand.
Lezard: (*as muscle-man*) Hookers these days have gotten so expensive.
>His blue eyes took in the sight before him. Sleeping on the job...again?
Faye: (*as muscle-man*) Goddammnit, how dare she fall asleep when I
want to fuck her! She should be screaming my name out as I pump her full
with my love shaft!
Faye: (*notices*) What!?
Lezard: I won’t…go there.
>She wasn't a very good gunner, but her strength and beauty (this was
a matter of
>taste, for she was very unique to say the least)
Xelloss: Isn't "unique" one of those polite euphemisms for "freak"?
Faye: Yeah, like the 'special bus'.
>made up for it. He put forth
>his large arm and prodded the girl softly and rather high up in the stomach,
Lezard: Why not just grope her? You'd save yourself some time, and it's
her fault for not paying attention.
>she let a little 'oof' noises escape from her mouth; and slowly her
>opened, revealing a look of shock and suprise.
Ianthe: (*as girl*) Oh no! Pretending to be asleep didn’t work! I’ll have to say I have a headache!
>She leapt up off the cannon and
Lezard: Fell to her death. The End.
>onto her feet, where she pushed back the strands of hair which hung
over the far
>right of her face. Standing infront of the muscular man, she blushed.
>'' I'm so sorry, Captain!'' a strangely childish and innocent voice escaped
Ianthe: For some reason, I'm hearing Shiori's seiyuu right now...
>the short yet curvy girl, '' I didn't mean to! Honest I didn't! I was just loading
Faye: …this MK-47 so I could shoot out the back of your fucking head!
>up the cannon when I fell forwards! I bet something hit me in the back
Ramirez: Then you would be unconscious, not sleeping, not to mention that you would have a concussion.
>The large man addressed as 'Captain' raised an eyebrow, it wouldn't
>hard to imagine that something had hit her on the back of her head at some point
>in her life,
Xelloss: I've been hit on the back of the head before.
Ramirez: I believe it.
Xelloss: (*ignoring him*) But then, considering all the delicious chaos that went with it, all the rioting and stoning and lynching was worth it.
>she was one of the dumbest people he knew; this including some of
>his amazingly stupid ex-work associates.
Faye: (*thin sarcasm*) Well, isn’t he a nice person.
>But he smiled and shook his head, '' I believe you, Sique'' he lied,
>change the subject, ''I have a quest for you.''
Ayu: Oh, shit! It’s a self-insertion!
Xelloss: How can you tell?
Ayu: Same name as the author! How else?!
Xelloss: ...Oh, hell, you're right! 0_o;
>He had a deep and flaunted voice, with a strong accent of...something...how
>Sique supposed to know?
Ianthe: She’s an SI. SI’s know everything. In addition, they’re perfect
in every respect, from looks to abilities to intelligence
Ramirez: What’s an SI?
Ayu: Not quite. An SI just appears; a Mary Sue is uber-perfect.
Faye: Who’s Mary Sue?
Xelloss: Shh. Rule of thumb: when they talk, don’t think about what they say.
>Her eyes brightened with eagerness, '' What is it, Captain Vigoro?'' her head
Ianthe: 0_o NOOOO!!
Ramirez: (*bows his head into his lap*) Oh, please, not that idiot...
Lezard: (*to Ayu*) He’s that amazingly arrogant musclehead, right?
Lezard: (*cracks knuckles*) Open the gates of Niflheim! More souls await!
Ayu: You’ve been waiting all along to say that, haven’t you?
Lezard: Something wrong with that?
>was already darting from side to side in attempt to guess where she was to go.
Ramirez: You know…now that I know this is Vigoro, that makes those previous
lewd comments all the more eerily appropriate.
>'' I need supplies,'' the man named Vigoro replied, '' we will leave
>about two hurs at Nasrad to get them.''
Xelloss: Hur? What’s a hur? Ramirez, what is this hur?
Ramirez: It’s a typo.
Ben Hur: YAAARRR, MULE! (*trumpet riff*)
Ayu: (*annoyed*) NOT YOU!!!
Ben Hur: (*whimpers*) I never get to have any fun… (*leave, the trumpet playing the Funeral March really fast*)
Xelloss: (*continuing to smile*) Not thinking about it, not thinking, not thinking, la la la…
>he pointed at the island which his modern airship; the Draco, was approaching.
>Sique tried to follow his gaze but her eyes locked onto the clouds and refused
>to leave them, she loved being in the sky and was often found daydreaming.
Faye: Throw her overboard! She can be in the sky until she dies!
>Instead of bothering to get his crew member to snap out of it, Vigoro
>to slip the bag of gold and list of items into the pocket of her tight denim
Faye: (*as Sique*) DON’T MOLEST ME!!
>but her head snapped around to face him
Xelloss: And she fell dead, her neck neatly severed. The end.
Ramirez: Not as dark as before, but still nice.
Xelloss: Thank you. ^_^
Lezard: Hmph. I could do better.
Faye: (*sharply*) Boys!
Boys: Yes, ma’am...
> and, used to this sort of behaviour, simply took the bag and list
from him and put them in her pocket
>herself. Vigoro clearly showed disapointment; he had never been able to win her
>like he had with the other members of his crew (who were all female).
Ramirez: Hm. If that’s the case, she can’t possibly be as stupid as previously implied.
> At time like this, he wondered why he kept her. Maybe it was her feverish
>his past of being an Admiral of the Imperial Armada...
Ramirez: Doubt it. He just likes to fight for the sake of fighting.
>or maybe it was because
>the pink top she wore was nearly transparent.
Ramirez: I thought so.
Lezard: She takes her fashion tips from Faye.
Faye: (*smacks him*) Shut your mouth, jackass!
Lezard: Rarrr, I love it when the girls play rough. (*smirk*)
Ramirez: Honestly, you should meet Vigoro. You two would hit it off so well.
Lezard: That hurts, Ramirez. Deep, right here. (*touches his chest*)
Faye: (*rolling her eyes*) Yeah, right. Fucking perv.
>'' I love Nasrad,'' Sique's eyes were sparkling once more, '' it's so...busy!''
Ramirez: Yes, especially when it’s on fire. (*smiles eerily*)
(*the others start inching away from him nervously*)
>she picked up her weapon and strapped it around her right hand.
>It consisted of a strap and three deadly blades, which went over her fingers.
>Around her left wrist was a thick leather strap, with two four inch spikes
>sticking out of it.
Ianthe: ...Sooo.... she's using a katar and a cestus? And why is the
cestus around her wrist? It's a lot harder to hit people with like that...
Faye: For what?!
Ramirez: I don’t know, lack of personality? Lack of brains? Lack of common sense? She’s following Vigoro, after all.
Faye: Hmm, point.
Xelloss: How is having a cestus on her wrist overcompensation?
Ramirez: I was talking about the two-in-one weapon.
Xelloss: Ah, I see.
>She used this to defend herself in battle.
Ayu: As opposed to, say, cooking in battle.
>Vigoro licked his lips and stepped towards the girl, cornering her
at the hull
>of the ship. Her eyes widened with suprise, he had never done anything this bad
Xelloss: Oooh, he approached her! What a naughty bad man!
Faye: Actually, considering what he probably has in mind…
>'' Er- Captain...Captain Vigoro...sir...I really...uh...can you let
>past...please?...We're nearly uh...at...the port...''
>Vigoro smiled and shook his head slowly, '' You're not going to Nasrad.''
Lezard: (*as Vigoro*) You’s mah ho!
Ianthe: But he just said she was going to Nasrad!
Xelloss: No thinky-thinky. Hurt self, bad. Head go boom. Brains go splat.
Ayu: Um, Xelloss?
Xelloss: (*smiling brightly*) Well, I had to convey it to her in her own language.
Ianthe: (*indignant*) Hey!!
>Sique bit the bottom of her lip, '' But you need supplies.''
>Vigoro licked his lips again, '' Let Coral go...''
Ramirez: (*snorts*) He probably just molested her, and as a result is tired of her.
>Sique shook her head, '' Coral's asleep, apparently she had a very
Lezard: Damn, you sure called that one.
Ramirez: Of course I did. This is Vigoro we’re talking about.
Lezard: 0_o; I’m a pervert, but I’m not this bad…
Faye: Hah! I beg to differ!
Lezard: (*leers*) You can beg all you want…
Faye: (*slaps him*) LECHER!!
>'' C'mon, Sique, you know you want me really.'' He winked.
Lezard: (*as Sique*) Um…no, I don’t. You’re ugly and muscle-y and overall
Ianthe: Damn right.
>Sique's eyes swelled with fear as the Draco came to a sudden slow;
>she could hear the bustle of the trading port; Nasrad.
>Vigoro stepped back a bit, but not enough for Sique to get past, '' Let's go
>inside, we don't want all these people here..''
Lezard: (*as Sique*) No, I want them here! It’ll be easier for them to hear my screams of rape!
>Sique shook her head, a smile playing across her lips; hand on the
hull of the
>ship, she vaulted backwards, a strange feeling crossed her stomach as she
>flipped through the air, landing softly on the port of Nasrad.
Faye: Well, that was fortunate.
Xelloss: I wouldn’t complain. Would you rather this become a lemon rape fic?
Women: (*chorusing*) No…
Ramirez: Don’t care.
Lezard: (*leering*) Lemon rape, eh…
Xelloss: (*repeating*) Lemon rape with Vigoro as the rapist.
Everyone: Oh, gods, nooo!
>She grinned at
>the look of disbelief on Vigoro's face as she waved to him, and the large
>ex-flagship of the Armada descended from Nasrad.
Ramirez: Pfft. Traitor. Lord Galcian should rend his pitiful bones asunder.
Lezard: (*coughs*) Right then, moving along…
>Supplies bought, and bag empty, Sique walked around Nasrad with amazement;
>remembered hearing of it's burning and couldn't quite believe that this was the
>same place which had apparently been in ruins.
Ramirez: What’s the timeline for this fic?
Ayu: It takes place after Vyse and the others defeat Zelos. Beyond that, I don’t know.
Xelloss: What? When did this Vyse fellow defeat me?
Ayu: Zelos, not Xelloss. Although it’s the same kana, they’re completely separate entities.
Ianthe: There’s a cat in Cowboy Bebop named Zeros!
Hojo’s Voice: FRY! (*electrocutes Ianthe, who sizzles in her chair*)
Ramirez: (*muses*) Next time, I’ll have to make sure Nasrad is properly destroyed…
>She pressed her hand into her pocket and pulled out the list of supplies.
>Knowing that there was no need for it anymore, she stuffed it into her mouth and
>swallowed it whole. This was perfectly normal for Sique; the girl who would eat
>anything and everything.
Ianthe: (*recovers*) 0_o It’s Eatman!
>Why did she carry on working for Vigoro? Partly because there was nothing
>to do...she didn't need money, because she could live off what most people would
>class as garbage, and she had no goals in life.
Faye: (*sings*) Nowhere man, living in nowhere land...
Lezard: (*covering his ears*) Stop!! You can’t sing!
Faye: (*smacks him upside the head*) Would you shut up!?
>She liked to be free, and being
>the gunner of Vigoro's ship meant that she could spend long hours watching the
>clouds go by.
Faye: While being fucked from behind by her captain. But hell, he wasn't
that big, it was pretty easy to ignore him.
Lezard: (*shocked*) Faye!
Faye: What? You've said worse than that!
Lezard: ....I'm so proud of you! Why don't we have sex after this to celebrate?
>But mainly it was because she was enthralled by Vigoro's tales of
>being an admiral.
>The only survivor of the once feared Imperial Armada! How amazing!
Ramirez: That’s because he’s a coward and ran away. A real man
would fight to the death.
Lezard: On the other hand, a smart man will retreat when necessary in order to live and become stronger.
Ayu: You know, the way that’s written, it makes it sound as if Vigoro was the only survivor of the Armada, period, rather than the only surviving Armada Admiral. I mean, he could have been Joe Schmoe the Amazing Mook!
>It didn't take much for her to get him to start boasting about himself, either.
Ramirez: There’s a surprise!
>As she thought of all the tales that her Captain had told her, she
>walked past a jewelry stand and something shimmering caused her head to turn.
Ayu: Unfortunately, her body continued to walk straight forward, and the two parted from each other in a gory spray of blood and ichor. The End.
>Lost in a table of highly expensive gold and silver jewelry, was a
>circular object hanging from a silver chain.
>It shone so much that it hurt Sique's eyes at first, but continuing to stare at it,
>she frew used to the light.
Faye: Frew? What the hell is “frew”?
Xelloss: A typo. It’s supposed to be “grew”, I believe.
Faye: Oh. That makes more sense.
>It was a silvery white in color, and made the girl tug at the studded
>collar which hung around her neck.
Lezard: Ahh, that must be the pendant from the title.
>The owner of the jewelry stand, in a deep conversation with a customer
>gold ring, didn't get to see the hypnotised way in which Sique stared at the
Xelloss: (*pantomimes swinging a pendulum back and forth*) You are getting
sleepy....sleeeeeeepyyyyy...you will fall into a sleep of eternal darkness
and never awaaaaaakeeeeeeeen...
Ramirez: Hah, if only.
>She wasn't particularly obsessed with jewelry most of the time, but
>something about this made her want it.
Ianthe: Hey, I've had that happen to me...
>Judging Sique, someone might say that she
>was drawn to shiny objects, much like a small-brained animal might be.
Ianthe: Shiny shiny shiny shiny shiny shiny...
Ayu: Ianthe, I hope you’re making fun of Sique and not commenting on your intelligence.
Ianthe: Hey, I’m not that dumb!
Xelloss: (*pats Ianthe on top of the head*) Of course you aren’t, Ianthe-san.
>The draco landed at the Nasrad port, and Betthany and Candy (the lookout
>cook of Vigoro's crew) started loading the boxed supplies onto the airship.
Lezard: (*starts snickering*)
Lezard: Oh, I was just thinking. Vigoro—this Vigoro, anyway—has nothing but girls on his crew, right?
Ianthe: Yeah, so?
Lezard: (*grins*) So does that make him a flying pimp?
Faye: (*laughs*) No, that doesn’t happen until he gets a giant hat with a gaudy feather sticking out of it.
>Vigoro had known that Sique would be late, and rested against his ship
>watching the exit points of Nasrad for her.
Ianthe: Great. He's gonna accost her when she comes back.
Faye: What did you expect from a big beefy pervert?
>Sique knew that she had no money, and that the necklace was surely
>expensive. She put forward her hand, hoping to grab it and run off without being
>noticed, but sadly, this wasn't the case.
Ayu: I hope she knows the price of thievery in Arabian cultures is one’s
Ramirez: I hope she doesn’t. That will make it that much more enjoyable.
>Sique made the mistake of putting her right hand out; seconds after
>enclosed her fingers around the pendant, the blades strapped over her hand
>flinched, hooking onto the cloth that covered the table.
Ianthe: There’s a good reason not to go armed in public.
>Of course, Sique hadn't seen this and, wanting to get away, ran off
>The table cloth was pulled out from below the ownder of the stand, and the large
>woman disgussing a gold
Faye: It’s disgusting?
Xelloss: It’s a typo. Discussing.
>ring jumped back as earrings were tipped from a stand and onto her.
>Jewelry flew over the floor and into the pond, some landed in mud and others
>were coated in dust.
Ayu: Nothing that can't be cleaned off. It'll still piss off the shopkeep, though.
>Sique, still dragging the red table cloth, ran clumsily out of the
Xelloss: Oooh, free cloth!
Lezard: And it's red, too! Hides blood stains that much more easily!
>The enraged stand-owner, bending down to pick up his scattered jewelry,
>after Sique and shouted, '' Fine! You stupid girl! Keep the necklace! It is
Ianthe: (*as stand-owner*) Every time you get soaked with cold water, you turn into guy!
>But Sique, running towards Vigoro and the Draco, never heard the angry
>the man who's stand she had destroyed.
>The Draco was a large ship, and since there were only six crew members (this was
Faye: How do they manage to run a large ship with only six crew members?
Xelloss: Plot contrivance to the rescue!
>each of them had the luxury of their own quaters.
>Sique's quaters were small, but pretty. Her bedclothes and curtains were a soft
>baby pink (to match the top half of her hair, and her left eye),
Ayu: So she's got pink eye?
>and she had a wooden wardrobe in which she kept her clothes.
>Scattered around the room were various things which she had picked up, which
>were mostly skulls and bones of creatures. (which she had most probably eaten)
Faye: “Most probably”?!
Ianthe: This girl frightens me.
>Her bed was placed infront of the window, who's curtains
Lezard: The window is a thing; therefore, you shouldn’t refer to it
as a “who”.
Faye: (*blinks and stares*)
Lezard: What? I went to school, too, you know.
Ramirez: But you were expelled.
Xelloss: (*sing-song*) You got kicked o~ut!
Lezard: Remind me to fry you later.
>were drawn the majority
>of the time, allowing Sique a nice view of the darkening sky as she drifted off
Ramirez: How? The curtains are drawn.
>Sique watched the dark clouds pass over the sky as the helmsman of
>Helen, tried to find an island on which to anchor it for the night. She had a
>faint feeling of constriction around her neck, but was too tired to pay
>attention to it, and decided that it was nothing to worry about.
Ianthe: Whoops, looks like she’s got a necklace of strangulation there.
Faye: (*as Sique*) Hm, looks like I’m being strangled. Oh well! Time for a nap!
>Sique awoke in a dark place of which she had no understanding of.
Ayu: She doesn’t need that second “of”. The preceding “of which” took care of that.
>A feeling of
>anger and loss surrounded her, choking her mind in a terrifying way. She
>shivered, opening her mouth to speak, but only a weak whimper came out. Again,
>she tried, her voice shaking and sounding more like a helpless child than it
>usually did, '' ...Captain Vigoro...?''
Ianthe: Personally, I'd rather face the danger myself than call for him of all people....
>A dark and cold laugh echoed around the place, making Sique whimper with fear.
Ianthe: (*as Sique*) Squeeeeee..... squeeee......
Lezard: You do that too well.
Xelloss: She's probably had a lot of practice.
>A figure appeared infront of Sique, his back to her. Dark mist swirled around him,
Ayu: The Dark Wind howls... one among you... shall soon perish.
>disabling Sique from getting a clear view, the voice belonged to him,
>' You won't find that fool here.''
>Sique swallowed back tears of fright, and, feeling slightly safer due to company
Ramirez: Even though it was fairly obvious that present company hadn’t appeared to protect her.
>(since she was strong and felt that she need not fear the person),
Lezard: Much as how the lamb believes in its own strength and feels
it need not fear the lion.
Xelloss: Mrowr, baby.
>she asked ''...where am I..?''
>The figure turned to face her, the mist clearing and allowing Sique to get a
>view of his face, '' My world.''
Ianthe: Disney World!
>'My world', he said it with distaste and hatred, his voice sounding
as though it
>were spitting in disgust.
Xelloss: (*as mystery man, imitates spitting*) Ugh! Those nachos were rancid! I'm never eating there again!
>Sique's eyes darted nervously over his features, she
>was shaking her head slowly. She knew who he was, but he wasn't.
Lezard: Oh, just pick one. Either he is, or he isn't.
>It was impossible and even a dreamer like Sique would not allow herself
to believe it.
>He smirked hatingly,
Ayu: “Hatingly”? Shouldn’t that be “hatefully”? “Hatingly” isn’t even
Ianthe: (*as Sique*) Me fail English? That unpossible!
>his green-blue eyes narrowing and focusing on Sique.
Ramirez: Woah, Sique’s in Sephiroth’s world?
Ianthe: Good guess. Close, but not quite.
>Another cold laugh escaped his lips, '' Why are you so frightened?...I'm
>going to hurt you.''
Xelloss: (*as mystery man*) I’m just going to maim you horribly and
devour your soul, leaving your pain-wracked body to wander the world, forever
an empty, hideous shell.
Ianthe: (*as Sique*) ‘Kaaaay.
>'' If you...are....really...who...I think...you are....but you couldn't
>doesn't make sense...dead people stay dead....
Ianthe: Unless it’s The Sixth Sense!
Ayu: Or Final Fantasy X. Goddamn, you wouldn’t believe how many dead people there are walking around in that game.
Lezard: So much for “The dead don’t bite.”
>if you are really him...then I have every right to fear you, everyone
>She knew better than to his name.
Ramirez: (*blink*) She knew better than to what his name? Missing word. How coarse.
>Depression fueled violence.
Ianthe: (*as Yoda*) Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads
to suffering. Hee hee, good food! Come come, good food!
Ayu: Don’t make me hurt you.
>The young man looked away. Sique was dumb to have brought that up,
>shuffled back, afraid that he would destroy her.
Xelloss: (*robotic voice*) EXTER-MINATE!!! ANNI-HILATE!!! DE-STROY!!!
>'' You're wise to fear me...but I don't intend to hurt you. What would
>point in doing that, when you're so much more useful alive.''
Ramirez: Useful? Her? How?
>'' Useful...?'' Sique asked nervously
>'' Yes...You see, you can only see me and converse with me because you wear the
>crystal around your neck.''
Ianthe: Uh oh. If that’s what I think it is…
> He stepped closer to Sique, lowering himself to gaze
>at the crystal, still shimmering brightly. She looked terrified.
>'' You really are who I thought! You really are Ramirez!''
Ramirez: What?! What am I doing in this piece of crap?!
Lezard: Welcome to hell, Ramirez.
>Her voice was trembling.
>'' How did you know who I was?''
>Sique sucked her tongue thoughtfully, not as afraid.
Ayu: (*laughs*) She really is stupid, isn't she?
>He was asking her
>something. If he had wanted her dead, he probably would have burnt her to death
Ramirez: I don’t do burning all the time. Mostly I prefer cleaving in
Faye: You are one morbid bastard.
Ramirez: See how well you take it when you appear in one of these.
>by now, '' Captain Vigoro showed me pictures of all the Admirals. And
he told me
>about you, too.''
Lezard: (*as Sique*) Those gang-bangs you guys had were really wild!
Say, Ramirez, why is it that you kept ending up on the bottom?
Ramirez: (*draws sword, eyes blazing*) YOU ARE DEAD.
Lezard: Yes, yes I am!
Hojo’s Voice: Don’t make me electrocute you both again.
Ramirez: (*realizes*) …... (*sits down and sheathes sword sullenly*)
>Ramirez raised an eyebrow. Close up, he wasn't so threatening.
Ianthe: (*falls out of her seat, laughing*)
Ayu: You’d think he’d be more threatening up close—after all, then you’re in range of his blade.
>His eyes looked bitterly sad, and he really didn't seem to want to kill her.
Ramirez: However, Sique was an amazingly poor judge of character, and
before she could utter another word, Ramirez pulled out his sword and plunged
the point deep into her chest. The End.
Xelloss: (*cheers*) Yay! Can we go now?
Hojo’s Voice: No! Sit still and be good guinea pigs!
>She was still scared of him, but she had stopped shaking and was now
looking over his features
>with more interest.
Faye: (*as Sique*) Wow, that Ramirez sure is lookin’ fine… Mmm, bishounen-y!
>'' You...work...for Vigoro?''
>Sique blushed, she didn't like the way he said 'work'. Everyone did it, and it
>embarassed her to no end. She was no common slutt,
Lezard: Ah, so she's an uncommon slut? Ow! (*he is hit by Faye*)
>but working on Vigoro's ship
>with a bunch of girls who were gave her a bad reputation, '' I'm his gunner...
Ramirez: (*darkly*) I’ll bet you’re his gunner…
Xelloss: More like the one Vigoro’s gunning, deshou?
>I don't...uh...I'm just his gunner...that's all I do for him...just
because all of
>the other girls do....uh...night shifts....
Lezard: In a manner of speaking, heh.
>I stay with him because his past
>interests me...and I have nothing better to do...'' Sique pushed herself up to
>'' Avenge me.''
Ramirez: Excuse me? That came out of the blue.
>Sique blinked at Ramirez, '' Excuse me!?'' He hadn't really said that,
>Why would Ramirez want her help!?
Ayu: Hmm, I don’t know, maybe because he’s DEAD?!
>'' You have nothing better to do,'' Ramirez pointed out, '' I want
you to murder
>Vyse and the others.''
Ramirez: Excuse me? If I wanted to get someone to take vengeance on
Vyse and company for me, I wouldn’t choose someone as incompetent as she
Ayu: You’re dead in this fic. You can’t exactly pick and choose.
>He said it as though it was a simple task, sounding like someone might
>were asking you to get them a pair of socks.
Lezard: (*as Ramirez*) And I want the fluffy kind of socks, not those
horrid paper-thin ones! My feet are sensitive, you know--these boots just
tear my heels apart!
>Sique blinked repeatedly, '' I
>can't murder Vyse! I don't even know him!''
Ianthe: (*as Sique*) Not to mention he kicked your ass three times!
Ramirez: (*sharply*) Hey!!
Ianthe: (*cringes*) Don’t kill me!
>Ramirez shook his head, his light, dust-blonde hair
Ramirez: “Dust-blonde”? It’s silver!!
>waving on either side of his face.
>Insanely, Sique started wondering how soft it was...Sique was known for
>thinking of the most random thoughts at serious moments,
Ianthe: (*sings*) Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow...
>'' He's an idiot. He doesn't deserve to live. He killed Lord Galcian.''
Ianthe: Um…no he didn’t. Belleza did.
Ramirez: Quiet, you. I’ll blame who I want.
>Sique knew who Galcian was. He had been Vigoro's, Ramirez's and all
>other's boss before the Armada was destroyed (and reformed later, but with a
>different purpose in mind),
Ayu: GOD, no, Xelloss! They're good now! Fuck, even back when they were evil they wouldn't have stooped that low!!
>someone who Vigoro spoke of with fearful respect,
>and who she knew Ramirez had looked up to like no other.
Ayu: (*as Galcian*) Who’s your daddy?!
Ianthe: (*as Ramirez, worshipfully*) You’re my daddy, Lord Galcian!
Ramirez: (*glaring wrathfully*) Shut. Up.
Xelloss: Wraaath, wraaaaath!
Ayu: You sound like a freaked-out pokémon.
>Lord Galcian and
>Ramirez had been planning to call down the Rains of Destruction and destroy the
Ianthe: Um... no.
Ramirez: Exactly. He simply wanted to destroy the weak in order to rule over the strong, and I was merely helping him to that end. We had no real intention of destroying the entire world.
Ayu: Until Galcian died.
>but Galcian had been destroyed,
Ayu: That makes him seem like a thing, not a person. 'Killed' would be a better choice of words.
>and later, so had Ramirez. Sique didn't
>know the details, she had only been told of these things through gossip at her
>old home; Sailor's Island.
>She noted how Ramirez seemed to care much more about Galcian's death than his
>own, and would have found it sweet if not for the fact that he was evil.
Faye: (*sarcastically*) He’s not evil, he’s misunderstood!
Ayu: Well…yeah, actually.
>'' Ramirez...Vyse and the others are very powerful...''
>'' So are you. I can feel your strength.''
Everyone: (*bursts out laughing*)
Faye: (*wiping away tears*) What strength, the strength of her stupidity?
>Sique was unnerved by this, '' I couldn't kill them. There's lots of
>only one of me.''
Ianthe: In other words, a typical boss fight.
Ramirez: Let’s hope it’s not as pathetic as the one against Surt in the last fanfic.
>Ramirez looked at Sique for a long time, '' You don't look very
>threatening...just tell Vyse that you want a job as one of his crew; catch him
>when his back is turned.''
Lezard: First you put the oil on your hands, then you stick them on
the basket! (*makes groping motions*)
Xelloss: (*laughing*) Dude, shut up!
Ramirez: (*stare*) What on earth are you idiots talking about?
Ayu: Apologies to Clerks: The Animated Series.
>'' If you were telling the truth, you won't mind leaving Vigoro's crew.''
>'' I wouldn't miss Vigoro...but...but...why don't you just do it yourself?''
Faye: Because he's kind of dead.
Ramirez: It's rather difficult to do much of anything without a corporeal body.
Lezard: (*clears his throat loudly*)
Ramirez: Oh, do shut up.
>Ramirez blinked, '' Little girl...I don't know if you've realised this
>but...I'm dead. I'm not coming back.''
Lezard: (*as Sique*) But you’re standing right there!
Ramirez: (*as himself*) Don’t question the plot holes! They’re greater and more powerful than you and I could imagine!
>He didn't seem to be bothered atall by this, but it bothered Sique.
>talking to something dead. That wasn't right.
Ayu: Dear, that should be the least of your worries.
>A thought crossed her mind, '' If
>you're dead...then you can't hurt me..''
Faye: You don’t watch many horror films, do you?
>'' I can kill you. You wear my silver crystal.
Ramirez: What?! So she’s wearing the remains of my dead body around
(*pause; then, everyone busts out laughing, even Ramirez*)
Ianthe: Oh, god, that just sounded silly...
>Your heartbeat gave it life. In the same way that I can take your life
away if you decide to be useless...but
>that would be stupid...If I killed you, it would destroy the crystal, and I
>would never be able to get revenge.''
Faye: Then why bother making that threat? You can’t exactly follow through
Ramirez: This person is not me. Even if I made a threat I couldn’t live up to, I wouldn’t tell the person I’m threatening that I can’t follow up. It defeats the entire purpose.
>Sique's eyes swelled with fear, '' Why did I steal this thing!?''
Xelloss: Because you’re a bloody idiot.
Ramirez: Emphasis on the “bloody”.
>Ramirez smiled darkly, '' Because it interests you. Just like Vigoro's
>Sique sucked her tongue, '' I'll find Vyse...and kill him...'' The end part of
>her answer was a lie...
Faye: (*as Sique*) I'll find Vyse...and then I'll make him my personal man-slave with my evil Mary Sue powers! Ahahahahahhaa!!!
>Sique didn't believe for one minute that she would be
>able to kill Vyse; even if she wanted to. But finding him could prove to be fun.
Ayu: (*as Sique*) Sexy teenage girl, pink-and-white hair, double-colored eyes, seeking sexy brunet Blue Rogue for lots of fun! Call: 666-KISU for a good time, handsome! <3
>Ramirez nodded, his hand reaching out to the crystal around the young
>neck, Sique noticed that, unlike his right hand, Ramirez's left hand had no
Ayu: He’s wearing no glove on one hand and a white glove on the other...
Does he think he’s Michael Jackson?
Ramirez: (*grasps hilt of sword*)
Ayu: (*quickly*) I’m making fun of him, not you! That’s a fake Ramirez!
Ramirez: Nngh. (*unwillingly accepts this as he removes his hand from his sword*)
>His bare fingers enclosed around the shining crystal, and everything
Faye: Is that it? Is she dead? Is it over?
Xelloss: CE-LE-BRATE TO-NIGHT, COME ON!! (*dances a merry little jig*)
Ramirez: Finally, freedom!! (*races for the exit, followed en suit by the other riffers*)
ENTRY SEQUENCE...IN REVERSE!
DOOR 6: A regular door, only without a doorknob. Xelloss shrugs and blows it apart with his nifty Mazoku powers.
DOOR 5: Vast double doors sealed with powerful magic. Lezard invokes a power word to get them open.
DOOR 4: A castle gate guarded by two lonely mooks. Faye uses her “feminine wiles” to get past ‘em.
DOOR 3: The entryway to an airship. Ramirez, tired of all this bullshit, Silver Eclipses it into six separate pieces.
DOOR 2: Boughs of trees blocking their way. Being a ranger, Ianthe manages to talk them into moving out the way.
DOOR 1: Vast, Victorian-style double doors inscribed with the English letters, “M E S S I A H”, going around in a circle. Ayu gets pissed and tells them to stop stealing her original ideas, and they hastily open at risk of a lawsuit.
Ramirez: Someone will die. Die slowly and painfully...yes, they will suffer... (*continues his death-based muttering*)
Lezard: Hey, calm down. I didn't take my bastardization nearly so badly. Here, have a beer. (*offers unopened beer can*)
Ramirez: (*flat voice*) I don't drink.
Lezard: Feh, no wonder you take life so seriously. (*opens can and chugs it all at once*) Yeah, that's the stuff!
Ianthe: (*eagerly*) Can I have a beer?
Ayu: No time for that. The creepy bastard awaits. (*hits flashing com button*)
Hojo: (*evil smirk*) Tell me, my precious experiments, how was it this time? Have I broken you yet? How about you, Ramirez?
Ramirez: (*frowns*) That? Please. You'll have to get a lot worse than that.
Hojo: You weren't taking it too well in the theatre.
Ramirez: I resist through the power of my sheer stubbornness. I won't let you have the pleasure of seeing me fall prey to your twisted delusions. Besides, whomever that was in that fanfic, he was just a shoddy impersonation of me. Even though it's understandable that I'd be forced into choosing that Sique insert girl to do my bidding, I wouldn't patronize her by saying she has any sort of power. Rather, I'd tell her to find someone more suitable and give him or her the necklace--or else I'd kill her. (*mutters*) And not tell her that I'm in no position to carry out such threats.
Hojo: (*frowning and taking notes*) I see, I see... Well, how about the rest of you?
Ianthe: I never knew anyone could spell quite so badly, and I'm not exactly an A-speller myself. And the grammar was horrid! Although, at least I could tell who was saying what, which is better than some fics I've read.
Ayu: True enough. The self-insertion, though bad, isn't as bad as she could be, seeing as she's deliberately depicting herself as a total idiot. That shows humility--though not enough to keep herself out of the fic entirely, unfortunately.
Lezard: The story lacked logic. Wearing your weapons out in a marketplace? That can get you into quite a lot of trouble.
Xelloss: (*nods*) I agree. That girl has absolutely no common sense. She was also very frightening... Young human girls shouldn't eat small animals, and especially not keep their skulls in her room. That sort of thing is reserved for demons like myself.
Faye: (*smoking a cigarette*) I understand what we just had to live through were three chapters put into one. These chapters must be pretty damn short, then. Not that I'm complaining, mind you, but it's kinda hard to write a good story if you don't flesh out what you're writing.
Hojo: (*frowning severely, nervous tic in the left side of his face*) I see. I see. (*tapping notebook with pencil*) I see I'll have to work harder to bring all of you down to your knees! I'll take a rest with this story, since there's still several chapters left to go...
Hojo: (*smirks*) Correct! There are thirteen chapters in all, which will be combined into four greater segments, this being the first. So you'll have three more sessions of this to suffer through! But not for right now. Next time, I'll try something a little different. Yes... Different... (*mumbling to himself*)
Cloud: Uh, Hojo?
Hojo: (*head snaps up*) Ah, yes! Cloud, close communications!
Cloud: Yeah, yeah.
OK: Disclaimer time!!
We do not own several of the characters used in the fic. All Skies of Arcadia/Eternal Arcadia characters/locations belong to Dreamworks. Xelloss and everyone else are owned by their respective owners.
We also do not own the fic being riffed. It belongs to Sique Tsuki. Since we did not ask first, let us know if you want us to take down the riffing. We're nice people (really!); we can work something out. Just be polite, and we will, too.
The whole concept of Mystery Science Theatre is copyright Best Brains, Inc.
We do, however, own ourselves. Do not use us without our permission.
> Judging Sique, someone might say that she was drawn to shiny objects, much like a small-brained animal might be.