Obligatory Descriptive Thing So No One's Confused:
(*Far way, in a different space and time, there is a Planet. In orbit around the afore-mentioned Planet is a strange craft, perhaps a weather satellite... Yeah right. It's much too large, not to mention that it looks almost organic. Inside, there are a bunch of... 'people'.. suppose that term works all right. Anyway, these people are all in the weird bio-satellite thing. There are six of them, total, three of them male, three female. One of the women has long brown hair and dark purple eyes, with large lavender wings sprouting out of her back. She is clad in a green tunic, brown pants and leather boots. She is Ianthe Fira Ar'ne. The second woman, a young lady with glasses and long brown hair, wears a black T-shirt with a red and white rose on the front with black slacks and a maroon button-up overshirt. She is Ohseki Ayu. The third woman, with purple hair and green eyes, is wearing a revealing yellow outfit and a red jacket. She is Faye Valentine, from Cowboy Bebop. The first of the men is a young-seeming man, rather handsome, with shoulder-length bowl-cut purple hair, and black robes with an ivory yellow shirt and black slacks. His name is Xelloss Metallium, from Slayers. The second man is even more handsome, with silver hair and emerald eyes, and wearing a mostly black and maroon military uniform. He is Ramirez, from Skies of Arcadia. The final man, and final person, looks to be in his mid-twenties; he wears glasses and messy, torn robes, and his hair is dusty brown. His name is Lezard Valeth, of Valkyrie Profile.
And they all look very confused. We'll back up just a bit to explain why...*)
[On Strange Craft]
Ianthe: (*appears, and looks around wildly, confused*) Wh...where am I?
(*one of the screens on the wall comes alive, showing Hojo's face*)
Hojo: (*glasses glinting*) Bwa ha ha ha! Welcome to the Satellite of Amore, my dear guinea pigs! I have brought the six of you here, sparing no effort or expense!
Ianthe: What? Six? (*looks around*)
Faye Valentine: (*looking duly bewildered*) What the hell? Jet? Spike? Ed? Where the hell am I?
Xelloss Metallium: (*looks up, startled, holding a cup of tea*) ......Koko ha?
Lezard Valeth: --belong to me, and-- (*suddenly realizes he is not where he used to be*) ...Where is my Valkyrie?
Ramirez: DIE!! (*sword in midstrike, then stumbles and looks around, confused*) What in the...? (*moving into defensive, looking around suspiciously*) What's going on?
Ianthe: That all happened at once.
Hojo: Silence, guinea pig! From this point on, you aren't allowed to question my perfect methods!
Ianthe: But there's only five people here! You said six!
Ayu: Ahem. (*waves*)
Ianthe: (*looks, gets all happy*) Ayu-chan! You're here too!
Ayu: Yeah. Care to tell me what the hell's going on? One minute I'm reading my Yuugiou yaoi doujinshi, next thing I know, my computer is gone and so is the beautiful, beautiful yaoi. Explanations better be quick lest I start making things die.
Ramirez: (*looks over at Ayu quizzically*) ....
Ianthe: (*whines*) Evil scary icky scientist man! Over there!! It frightens me!!!
Hojo: I'm insulted.
Cloud: But you are scary, Hojo...
Hojo: SILENCE, SERVANT!! I won't be talked to like that from the likes of you! Now get back to assembling the Fic-Sender™!
Cloud: Already done.
Hojo: ....What? Already? Impossible! It would take hours even for a genius of my caliber! How could a failure like yourself complete it in fifteen minutes?!
Cloud: I read the instructions manual. You know, the little white booklet that came in the box with the parts? There's a reason it's put in there.
Hojo: .......SILENCE!! (*gesticulating wildly, hair coming out of his greasy ponytail*) Miserable creature!! Speak to me like that again and you will NEVER see your precious companions again!!
Hojo: Now get out of my sight, worthless failure! Prepare the fanfiction for sending!!
Cloud: .....hmph. (*walks off*)
Ayu: (*staring*) Cloud? I knew you were insane, Hojo, but this really tops it. How on earth did you get Cloud to work for you? He hates you, just like everything else that exists.
Hojo: (*calming down, though his hair is still in a disarray*) Why, that was one of my more ingenious ploys. I simply kidnapped his female friend Tifa and threatened to experiment on her if he didn't cooperate.
Ianthe: No...no! I sense a disturbance in the Yaoi Force...!!
Hojo: Not like THAT! Jesus Christ! Grant me a little taste, all right?!
Ayu: No. We hate you. Where's Barret and Aerith and everyone else?
Lezard: And what the hell do we have to do with any of this?
Hojo: (*shiny glasses*) The failure's other companions are conveniently indisposed at the moment. Conveniently for me, that is. As for your question, necromancer, well, quite simply, I have a bone to pick with each of you.
Faye: I've never met you before.
Ramirez: I was in the middle of a battle when you brought me here! Send me back there now or I'll--
Hojo: Or you'll what? Kill me? When you're all the way up there in a satellite orbiting the Planet?
Ramirez: ....That was the general plan, yes.
Lezard: You're an idiot.
Ramirez: (*death glare*) Shut up! I didn't know where we are!
Lezard: (*scoffs*) Of course you didn't.
Hojo: (*spazzing out*) DON'T IGNORE ME!!! (*calming back down*) In any case, though none of you have met me--at least not in person--you are mere clones, and therefore not worthy of any merit of respect! And, as such, you are the perfect test subjects!
Ayu: Woah, back up. Where the fuck do you get off calling us clones?
Faye: (*smoking a cigarette*) Who is this crazy old guy?
Ianthe: (*explaining to Faye*) Hojou! He's an evil creepy hentai icky bad scientist whom I want should die!
Ianthe: Yes, die!! Many horrible deaths!! (*weeps*)
Xelloss: Er, why?
Ianthe: Because he gives all true scientists everywhere a bad name!
Hojo: (*totally spazzing out*) SILENCE!!! I AM A TRUE SCIENTIST!! I AM THE GREATEST SCIENTIST TO HAVE EVER LIVED!!! I HAVE SURPASSED GAST IN ALL RESPECTS!!!
Cloud: Jesus, and people call me delusional.
Hojo: SILENCE!!! GET OUT OF MY SIGHT, FAILURE!! GET OOOOOOUUUUUUUUTTTTTT!!!!!
Cloud: Gladly. I just came back to say the fic's ready. And since I'm such a failure, I guess you won't need me to send it. (*exits*)
Hojo: DAMN YOU!! (*breathes into a paper bag for a few minutes before addressing those aboard the Satellite of Amore*) Anyway, with the exception of Ayu and Ianthe, all of you are cheap rip-offs!
Hojo: That's RIGHT! You! The Silvite!! (*jabbing a finger at screen*)
Hojo: Yes, you! You are just a cheap knock-off of my son, Sephiroth!
Ianthe: No he's not! He talks more! And he's not as insane! And he's shorter! And he doesn't want to be a god!
Ayu: Plus he doesn't have Sephiroth's mad muscles.
Ramirez: (*getting annoyed*) Excuse me?
Ayu: So how do you get off calling Ramirez a knock-off of Sephiroth?
Hojo: Hah! Why, that's elementary, though I wouldn't expect a creature of inferior intelligence such as yourself to comprehend it! Simply take a look at his hair, his eyes, his sword, his penchant for burning things alive!
Ramirez: I only did it twice. And it was for the sake of Lord Galcian. ...And because I hate people.
Ayu: Sephiroth only did it once. And it because he was insane.
Hojo: And YOU!! (*redirecting attention to Lezard*) You, the necromancer Lezard Valeth! It's obvious you're a shoddy imitation of myself!
Lezard: (*raises eyebrow, definitely not amused*) Excuse me?
Hojo: The glasses, the nerdy look, the obsession with life and death, the obsession with one woman... You and I are the same! But I came first, therefore you are the clone!
Lezard: First of all, lots of people wear glasses. Second of all, I may spend all my time indoors with my various experiments, but I am not nerdy. One of my traits is "beautiful".
Ayu: Programmer's error. They meant to put in "lecherous".
Lezard: Bah. I might be a pervert, but at least I'm good-looking. No one can say that about Hojo!
Ayu: Point taken. Not to mention you're a lot younger, and you're not going to get any older anytime soon. I don't think you're a copy of Hojo...although you do share a certain degree of creepiness and hentainess.
Lezard: Oh, hush.
Hojo: Why must you always ignore me?! In any case, that woman (*indicating Faye*) is a copy of Tifa!
Faye: (*unimpressed, finishing up her cigarette*) I don't know what you're talking about and quite frankly, I don't give a damn. I just want to get back to the Bebop--now.
Hojo: (*ignoring Faye's comments*) You are a copy of Tifa due to your enormous breasts!
Ayu: (*regarding Faye's chest*) Well, they do look to be about the same size...but you really can't tell in anime. You don't watch much hentai, do you, Hojo?
Hojo: SILENCE! Who else could have such gigantic breasts, so giant, yet so round and supple and firm...and bouncy?
All: (*dead silence*)
Faye: I feel terribly violated.
Ianthe: (*weeping*) It's so wrong...!
Ayu: Hojo, you will die by my hand. Slowly. Painfully.
Ramirez: Can I help?
Ayu: Sure, why not.
Xelloss: All right, you've had your spiel on why the rest of them are some kind of extremely vague copies of various people in your world. But as far as I know, I resemble nobody you know. So why am I here?
Hojo: Because...because...because you're YOU!! So cheerful and sadistic and mysterious and--AUUUGGH!! You're a scientist's NIGHTMARE!!
Xelloss: ....Well...I am a Mazoku...and we Mazoku are ruled over by the Lord of Nightmares... (*cheerful again*) ...so yes, that sounds about right!
Hojo: Damn you, Xelloss!! Damn you!!!
Ayu: (*regarding Xelloss curiously*) Have you met him before, Xel-chan?
Xelloss: Sore ha himitsu desu ^_^
Ayu: WAI!! (*glomps onto Xelloss*) Say it again! Say it again!!
Xelloss: ^_^;; Eeto...anou...moshimoshi...?
Ayu: Meh, good enough. WAI! Ishida Akira! <3 (*huggles Xelloss tighter*)
Ianthe: Hey, Xelloss… you're a Mazoku, right? You should be able to just leave…
Xelloss: I tried. There's some sort of holy power keeping me here.
Hojo: That's right! I installed the White Materia into the Satellite of Amore!
Ianthe: Hey, he's right! There it is! (*indicates White Materia in wall*) Ooh, glowy... (*pokes it*)
Hojo: Uh, I wouldn't—
Hojo: ...touch that... It smites you if you do...
Ianthe: (*charred, feathers smoking*) Please don’t…say anything… about… fried chicken…
Xelloss: (*singing*) I feel like chicken tonight, like chicken tonight!
Hojo: (*continuing*) Besides keeping certain persons on board, it is also the power source for the satellite. The entire structure is entirely self-contained. It can sustain itself without any outside intervention! I am a genius!!
Lezard: Shut up already. What are you going to do with now that we're on this 'incredible self-sustaining satellite' of yours?
Hojo: Why, I'm going to send you bad fan-fics!
(*there are several moments of silence before Ianthe speaks up*)
Ianthe: Hojo, um.... why are you torturing us with fics instead of performing unethical medical procedures on us? Um, not like I want to change places or anything...
Hojo: (*specs gleam maniacally*) This is an experiment on the human psyche!
Ianthe: (*shudders*) Eww... icky scientist man.
Ayu: So you're not gonna use them to try to take over the world?
Hojo: (*pauses for a moment, one finger in the air*) .... (*hangs head*) Doh.
Hojo: (*pissed off*) QUIET! Now, as I was about to say, there are three rules you must follow in the theatre. Otherwise, I fry you. Number one, no author flames. Number two, no breaking the Fourth Wall. Though, I must add, what the Fourth Wall is may vary from fic to fic. In short, what I deem as breaking the Forth Wall goes. Finally, no fighting in the theatre! You are not here to play games!
Lezard: Oh, go experiment on yourself, you flaky excuse for a biologist.
Hojo: You watch your tongue, Valeth, or you can kiss your oxygen good-bye!
Lezard: (*duly unimpressed*) So? I'm a necromancer--death is my bitch. A little thing like asphyxiation isn't really going to bother me.
Ianthe: O_o Noooooo! I don't want to die an unkissed virgin!
Lezard: (*leers*) I can help you with that...
Ianthe: 0_0 (*skuttles away*) Never mind. I am not sitting near you in a darkened theatre.
Xelloss: There, there, Ianthe-san, you can sit next to me... (*smiles widely*)
Ianthe: Fine, just not near the perv.
Hojo: Now enough of this banter! In the theatre, now! Cloud, hit the fic-sender!! ...Oh wait, I sent him away. (*scuttles off and presses the buttom*)
(*sirens and klaxons go off, creating a terrible ruckus, and colored lights point the riffers in the direction of the theatre*)
Faye: WE'VE GOT FIC SIIIIGN!!
(*the six mill about, all generally disgruntled, but they finally receive their refreshments and run off to the theatre*)
DOOR 1: Huge double doors inscribed with kanji reading “Kyuu Sei Shu”. Ayu uses her divine Author powers to open them.
DOOR 2: An elven-style stone door a la the one to the Mines of Moria in LotR. Ianthe says “friend in Elvish”, causing it to grind open.
DOOR 3: A door inscribed with the six Moons of the Arcadia world. Ramirez uses the Silver Crystal in his left hand to trigger the power to open them.
DOOR 4: Prison bars. Faye uses one of her high-tech secret gadgets to pick the lock.
DOOR 5: A hideous door composed of decomposing bodies. Lezard uses his necromancy to get them to shuffle out of the way.
DOOR 6: A regular door, only without a doorknob. Being the only one who hasn't done anything, Xelloss pries it open with his staff.
[ Ianthe | Xelloss | Ayu | Lezard | Faye | Ramirez ]
>By Paul Beaudoin
Ianthe: Na na na na na na! Freak Boy!
Faye: Usually by the age of seventy-one, a person's a man, not a boy...
>* * *
Ayu: You know, in Final Fantasy X, there's an item called Three Stars….
Ianthe: Shut up.
>"Lenneth, time to wake up!" an annoying voice shrieked.
>The Valkyrie turned in her sleep, somewhat aroused from her millennium of
Lezard: She must have been dreaming of me.
Ayu: Oh please. She was obviously dreaming about Lucian.
Lezard: Shut up, wench!
Xelloss: Yes, Faye-san, leave him to his delusions. ^_^
Lezard: (*glares at Xelloss*)
Xelloss: (*smiles cheerfully at Lezard*)
>"Lenneth, time to wake up!" the voice said again. Lenneth again rolled,
>desperately to stay asleep. "Lenneth, time to wake up!" the voice shouted one
Faye: (*as Lenneth*) C'mon, mom... ten more minutes...
>Lenneth formed a spear of pure energy and drove it through the heart of
Ianthe: The vampire lord!
Ayu: Squall Leonheart!
Faye: That bastard, Vicious!
Lezard: Lucian, who she finally had decided wasn’t nearly as charming and dashing and intelligent and overall good-looking as her true love, namely, Lezard Valeth!
Xelloss: Lezard’s overinflated ego!
Ramirez: Someone, get me out of here.
>alarm clock, which looked remarkably like a miniature statue of the
>Frei. Lenneth never did dare to mention it to anyone, but she despised Frei.
Lezard: What? Since when?
Ramirez: Plot contrivance.
Xelloss: Plot? What plot?
Ramirez: Hmm, good point.
Ianthe: (*stands and cups hands to her mouth*) Plooot, come hooome!
>Unable to fall back into the lulls of sleep, Lenneth decided she’d
better go to
>Valhalla and see what the reason was for waking her. It had better be a damned
>good reason, too.
Lezard: (*as Odin*) Lenneth! I dropped my drink! Can you get it for
Ramirez: (*as Valkyrie*) Why can't you pick it up yourself?!
Lezard: (*as Odin*) ...Well...I could... But that would involve getting up!
Ramirez: (*as Valkyrie*) UGH!
>She quickly got dressed and walked down the path to Valhalla, where
>resided. On the way, she met up with Lezard Valeth,
Lezard: Huh? What am I doing in Valhalla?
>the necromancer who had attempted to win her heart
Ayu: Anyone who makes a necrophilia joke will be beaten.
Xelloss: (*sulks*) You’re no fun.
>during her adventure in Midgard. Though he was a
>defiler of souls, a blasphemer, and a really nerdy-looking character to boot,
Lezard: (*indignant*) Hey!! One of my traits is beautiful! Where do
you get “nerdy”?!
Faye: The glasses?
Ianthe: The verbosity?
Ayu: The lack of a decent wardrobe?
Ramirez: The unbridled arrogance?
Xelloss: The tendency to stay inside and play with your necromancy set?
Lezard: (*fire crackles in his right hand*) Don’t make me Meteor Swarm you all.
Hojo’s Voice: No fighting in the theatre or I’ll electrocute all of you!
Lezard’s Undead Dragon Familiar: Cawww!
Xelloss: Aww, how cute! ^_^
>his contributions to Ragnarok could not be forgotten.
Ayu: Like WHAT?! He gave Lenneth a new body, but that’s about it!
Lezard: “That's about it!”?! That form gave her the power to defeat Loki!
Faye: Shut up, all of you, before I shoot you all dead!
Lezard: (*smug*) I’m already dead! Or something to that effect.
>So, in return, the Aesir
>gave him a run-down apartment in the slums of Asgard.
Faye: Asgard has slums? Isn't this the home of the divine beings?
Ramirez: You're thinking too much, Faye. Everyone knows bad fanfics extend past common sense.
>He didn’t complain. He had
>a roof over his head, and anything was better than Nifleheim.
Lezard: Um…no. I could make much better for myself. I *am* kind of aiming
to become a god myself, you know.
Ianthe: (*imitates Lezard*) Might I not become a god??
Ayu: I *am* a god!
Lezard: Riiight. If you’re a god, why don’t you use your divine power to get out of here?
Ayu: QUESTION NOT THE ACTIONS OF THE IMMORTAL!!! (*bops him over the head with an ethereal 2x4*)
Ramirez: (*burying his head in his hands*) I’m surrounded by idiots.
Faye: I feel your pain, Ramirez.
>"So, Lenneth," he said, pushing up his glasses. "You doing anything tonight?"
Ayu: (*as Valkyrie*) Oh, not really, just saving the world yet again…nothing important…
>Lenneth frowned. He was a persistent bugger, and perhaps one of these
>tenacity would be rewarded.
Lezard: (*smirk*) I'm gettin' me some play.
>Not today, however.
Lezard: (*face falls*)
Ayu: (*smirks*) What was that about “play”?
Lezard: Er...I meant I'm going to see The Merchant of Venice! Uh...that kind of play!!
Ramirez: You're not fooling anyone, necromancer.
>"Staying as far away as divinely
>possible from you, Lezard."
Ianthe: Oooh, shot-down!
Lezard: Don't make me Meteor Swarm your ass, girl.
Ianthe: (*hiding behind Xelloss*) Don't hurt me!!
Xelloss: Hey, I'm not a shield!
Ayu: That's right, you're a plushie! (*GLOMP!*)
Ramirez: Ugh. Emoticons.
>"So…you don’t want to watch a battle later?" Lezard said. He was being
>persistent than usual today.
Lezard: What, I usually give up after the first rejection? Please. If
I did that, I wouldn’t have won fair Lady Valkyrie’s heart.
Faye: Uh, you haven’t. Idiot.
Xelloss: (*thoughtfully*) We spend more time riffing ourselves than the fic.
Faye: Yeah, and?
Xelloss: Just commenting.
>Lenneth took her bow, drew an arrow from her quiver, and fired at Lezard’s
>The arrow buried itself in the ground mere millimeters from his feet.
Ianthe: (*whistles appreciatively*) Wow, that's good aim.
>Lezard began sweating. "I’ll pencil you in as a maybe," he said, as
he ran off
>as fast as he could.
Lezard: That's it. Whoever this pathetic creature is, he is not
me. For one thing, a mere arrow would never balk me. My love is
boundless and ever-burning, continuing on even past death!!
Faye: Does he ever stop talking?
Ayu: Just be glad he’s not Kuja.
Ayu: Never mind.
>Lenneth chuckled, saying to herself, "Foolish mortal." She then continued
>trip to Valhalla.
>When she reached the entrance to Valhalla, Lenneth caught a glimpse of Frei’s
>bright, shining face. Boy, did she ever hate that face.
Xelloss: All the shininess made her eyes hurt.
Ayu: (*kirakira*) (*kirakira*) SHOUJO SPARKLES!!
>"Lenneth! Welcome!" Frei said loudly. "It’s been an awfully long time
>seen you last…"
>"Frei, I don’t have time to talk right now," Lenneth said as politely as she
>could, though still radiating a bit of negative energy.
Ianthe: Ooooh, so many possibilities... I could make a comment on the
Plane of Negative Energy, or make a crack about dubbie Sailor Moon...
Ayu: Or something about gravity.
>"I need to see Freya and Odin."
>What she really wanted to say was more along the lines of,
Lezard: (*as Valkyrie*) "Freya and Odin invited me to a threeway, now OUT OF MY WAY!!"
>"Shove it, you overly happy piece of Aesir dung.
>If your sister wasn’t second in command your vital organs would be decorating my bedroom.
>Now get out of my face before I shove my foot so far up your @$$ that you’ll
>be able to taste the mud on my sandals."
Ramirez: Can you feel the love?
>"Oh, sorry about that," Frei said, not sensing the ill feelings that
>sent her way. She then proceeded to open the humongous doors to Valhalla, which,
>for some reason or another, had no visible doorknobs.
Faye: Of course not. The gods don’t need doorknobs. They just will the
Ramirez: Is that sarcasm?
>* * *
>After Loki had destroyed the world through the use of the Dragon Orb, Lenneth
>had restored it using the powers of creation she had gained after being fused
>with the Homunculus.
Lezard: (*smirks*) Heh, if it weren't for me, the world would no longer
Ramirez: That's a sad thought.
>However, instead of becoming the new ruler of Asgard, she
>instead opted to restore it exactly as it had been just before Ragnarok started.
Ianthe: So she gave up being Goddess of Everything to restore it to a way of being that she grew to hate!?
Ramirez: (*shrugs*) Plot contrivance.
Xelloss: Very bad plot contrivance.
>She was still one of the three Sisters who controlled the destiny of
>was still the ruler of Asgard, and Freya was his second-in-command. Lenneth
>still gathered worthy Einherjar when the Aesir were in trouble. It wasn’t the
>best life, but it was what she knew, and what she was comfortable with.
Lezard: So much for standing upright for what she believed in. This
certainly isn’t the Valkyrie I know--she would not let all
her hard work go to waste to restore reality to a ruler who deliberately
brought chaos to Midgard so that Valkyrie would have an easier time harvesting
warrior souls for the Ragnarok.
Faye: My God, would you shut up?!
Xelloss: (*makes yapping motions with hand*)
>let herself keep her memories this time, though. And there were a few things she
>wished she had changed. Frei was one of those things. Lezard was another.
Lezard: Oh, story? I'm beyond the lovely Valkyrie's influence. I sacrificed
the Philosopher's Stone, thus escaping the destruction the Dragon Orb caused,
Ramirez: Oh, please. In order to find that out, one would have to wait past the credits of Ending A to hear your little spiel. Yours and Bram's, that is.
Faye: Has it occurred to either of you that NOBODY CARES?!!
Hojo’s Voice: I care! You’re both breaking the Fourth Wall! Eat electric death!
(*Ramirez and Lezard promptly get fried*)
Ramirez: … (*smoking a bit*) …ow.
Faye: Serves you both right.
Xelloss: (*big smile*) Mmm…burning flesh.
(*everyone else eyes Xelloss warily and inches away from him*)
Xelloss: (*fake innocently*) What? Was it something I said?
>* * *
>Lenneth walked down the stately corridor that led to Odin’s throne room. The
>building was just as she remembered it. Beautiful, majestic, and unnecessarily
Lezard: (*brushing off the char*) The extra space is for the gods’ grotesquely
Ramirez: (*dryly, also brushing off char*) So I guess your home is twice as large, huh.
Lezard: (*brings forth a ball of blue fire in his hand*) Don’t make me hurt you, Silvite.
Ramirez: (*summoning sword, standing up*) Bring it, necromancer!
Hojo’s Voice: HEY! What did I say about fighting!? (*fries Ramirez and Lezard again*)
Lezard: …it tastes like burning…
Ramirez: …I’m going to take a nap now… (*falls unconscious*)
>Within minutes she was standing before Odin himself. "I am here, Lord,
>service," she said, kneeling.
Lezard: (*about to say something*)
>"Rise, Lenneth," Odin said. "I suppose you know why we called you here…"
>"Yes," Lenneth said. "The Vanir have been acting up recently, and you need me to
>go to Midgard to fetch more Einherjar to ensure our victory in the upcoming
>Odin leaned towards Freya. "She’s good…"
Lezard: Well, what else does she do? She’s a Valkyrie! It’s the
reason she exists! All the more reason for her not to return things
to the way they were before!!
Xelloss: Lezard-san, settle down. You’re thinking too much. You’ll end up hurting yourself.
Ayu: He always has that problem.
>"I don’t understand. Aren’t our current Einherjar sufficient to defeat
>Vanir?" Lenneth asked.
Ianthe: (*shrugs*) Apparently not.
>"Actually," Odin said, "some of the Einherjar have come across some
>circumstances and cannot fight at the moment. What we really want are backups
>until the Einherjar are able to fight again. Arngrim, for example, broke both
>his legs during a training session a couple days ago."
Ianthe: WTF? He's dead. Why would it matter? Couldn’t someone just heal him with magic?
>"Really?" Lenneth said. "I’ll have to send him a fruit basket one day.
Ayu: Oh, what compassion!
Lezard: That is not the Valkyrie who shed tears for mortal men!!
>What about Belenus?"
>"He’s opened up a rather popular specialty store in Asgard, and by taking him
>out of business to fight, we might lower morale of the Aesir. It’s a long shot,
>but he’s not exactly the best of warriors anyways," Freya said.
Faye: A specialty shop? Of what, sex toys?!
Xelloss: Ooh, sounds interesting. Care to take a gander with me, Faye-san?
Faye: Don’t make me shoot you.
>And so Freya and Odin named off all the Einherjar and their reasons
they had for
>not fighting. Shiho and Suo eloping and currently being on their honeymoon,
Ayu: To where? They’re dead!
>Lucian and Kashell running each other through with their weapons during
>practice session (not mortally, thankfully)
Ayu: They’re dead! Why would it matter?! There's healing magic around, anyway!
>and Aelia suffering from an
>unusually bad spell of the "Monthly Visit", among others.
Ianthe: It passes! She wouldn’t be out of commission for the entire
Ayu: And besides, she’s dead!
Xelloss: I suppose this is one of those occasions where it would be best not to ask.
Faye: You finally catch on.
>"So you see," Odin concluded, "that is the reason we have for you going
>Midgard and gathering more Einherjar."
>Lenneth sighed. "I understand," she said, as she knelt down to receive her
>armor. A bright light emanated from her body. When the light disappeared, she
>was clothed in her armor. When she looked down to examine it, an expression
>shock came over her face.
Lezard: For there was no armor at all--Valkyrie was completely naked!
Faye: (*snorts in a most unladylike manner*) You wish.
Lezard: (*leers*) I wish you were naked…it’d certainly make this a lot more pleasant.
Faye: (*pistol-whips him*) Asshole!!
Hojo’s Voice: In this case, I’ll let it slide.
Lezard: (*rubbing chin*) Mrrow. Bet you’re even wilder in bed.
Faye: (*empties her clip in Lezard’s body*) DIE, YOU BASTARD!!
Ramirez: (*wakes up*) What? Die? Wha’d I miss? (*sees Faye shooting Lezard*) Hey, how come she can fight?
Hojo’s Voice: She can’t. (*electrocutes Faye, causing her to drop her gun and flop back into her seat, slightly dazed*)
Faye: …I’m okay…I’ve had worse…
>She was clothed head-to-toe in riot gear. Her chest and stomach were
>with a bulletproof jacket, and her head was in a helmet with a clear face
>shield. Hovering in front of her was a clear plastic riot shield, with a
>matching twin hovering behind her.
Lezard: 0_o My, Valkyrie, you’ve certainly changed your look.
Faye: Why aren’t you dead?
Lezard: I told you, I’m already dead. My form isn’t corporeal; think of me more as a highly condensed ghost.
Faye: Yeah. Uh-huh. Like I understand any of that.
>"Odin, what the hell is this?" Lenneth screamed, knocking the riot
>"What happened to my regular light-blue armor?"
Ianthe: I’d like to know that, too.
>"Times have changed, Lenneth," Freya said. "Your old armor wasn’t capable
>protecting you in Midgard nowadays.
Ayu: She had divine floating shields. I think it'd be able to protect her.
>Not to mention this’ll make you look less
>conspicuous there. Midgard’s a lot different now."
Ayu: The foreboding begins…
Ramirez: The foreboding began a long time ago.
>"Well, what about my weapons?" Lenneth shouted, holding up a nightstick
>small riot shotgun. "Can’t I at least get my sword back?"
>"I’m not sure about that…" Freya said. "The inconspicuousness, remember. You
>don’t want to be noticed."
Ianthe: I’d comment, but it wouldn’t change anything.
>Lenneth grumbled. "Very well. I’m off to Midgard…"
>* * *
(*out of the blue, Ianthe and Ayu burst out laughing *)
Ramirez: (*staring*) What are you two laughing about?
Ayu: (*wiping away tears*) I don’t know…
Ianthe: Me neither! (*hiccupping *)
>Lenneth hovered over the Midgard landscape. Deciding that now was the
>to start searching for souls, she called on her ability to hear the words of
>those near death. This power was both a blessing and a curse.
Xelloss: It was great free entertainment, but it also meant she had to pay attention to the plights of mortals and all that stupid junk.
>It helped her when
>she wanted to find Einherjar, but it bugged her when all she wanted was a little
>time to herself.
Ianthe: Time to herself to do what?
Lezard: Masturbate to a picture of me!
Others: (*burst out laughing*)
Ayu: Thanks, Lezard, that was a good one….
Lezard: (*weakly*) But I was being serious…..
Xelloss: And that made it all the more funny.
>She closed her eyes, and concentrated her thoughts to those in Midgard.
>began hearing the voices of the soon-to-be deceased.
>Hey fellas, watch this. A voice with a southern accent said these words, which
>resonated through her mind. She passed this plea by. Fools were not needed in
Ramirez: Aren't most of the Einherjar fools in some way? That's generally
how they meet their ends.
Xelloss: I guess the fic means blatantly and constantly stupid fools rather than those who become fools through a few moments of suspension of common sense or reason.
>I’ve done this surgery hundreds of times. It’s completely safe. The
>not needed there either.
Ianthe: Uh, what about Shiho?
>Don’t worry, baby. I’m clean. "Ick," Lenneth thought. She also passed
>thought by. It would be a long time before these people died anyways.
Xelloss: Now if Valkyrie hears the voices of the soon to be dead,
and these people won't die for a while, then why does she hear them?
Ianthe: It must suck if she hears the voices of everyone who dies of or contracts a fatal STD.
>I’ll always be with you, Lynn. Remember that… "Finally," Lenneth muttered.
>noble souls worth training."
Ramirez: So what if they're noble? Do they know how to use a sword?
>Her spiritual concentration could draw on the words of the unfortunate
>pinpoint their location, but not their situations. Lenneth merely had to pick
>and choose from whatever voices she received.
Faye: As bad as a personal ad, and twice as vague.
>Upon further concentration, she
>managed to find that the source of the distress was Crell Monferaigne. She flew
>there as swiftly as she could.
>When she arrived, a grisly scene awaited her.
Ayu: Um. Don't we usually get to see the person before they die, though?
>Two machines that looked sort of
>like royal litters with wheels were crushed together. Apparently they had
>collided, completely crushing the front ends. People surrounded the two
Ianthe: Gawking at the scene of an accident. People never change.
>and others were putting three cloth-covered bodies inside another one
>of those contraptions, which was much more box-like in shape and had the
>inscription "Ambulance" written on the side.
Ayu: How would she be able to tell? It’d be written in mirror-language.
Lezard: She’s a goddess, or a satisfactory equivalent thereof. She knows these things.
>She took her human form and walked up to one of the people surrounding
>machines. "What happened?" she asked.
>The man turned to face her. "Terrible car wreck just happened. No survivors.
>It’s a shame, really."
Lezard: Yeah, they could’ve been in a vegetable state for the rest of their lives.
>"I see," Lenneth said, and walked away. When she was out of sight,
she took her
>spiritual form in order to search for her quarry. Before long, she found what
>she was looking for.
Ianthe: A McDonalds. She hadn't had a bite to eat in millennia.
>Standing side by side were two young people, one man and one woman,
>the accident. They looked to be about twenty years old. The man was wearing a
>sweatshirt that said "Crell Monferaigne State University"
Faye: Stupid drunk college students.
>and a pair of tattered
>jeans, while the woman was wearing a T-shirt and a pair of tighter, less worn
>"Excuse me," Lenneth said. The two did not turn to face her way.
Xelloss: (*as Lenneth*) I said EXCUSE ME WHILE I BEAT YOU OVER THE HEAD
WITH A VERY LARGE STICK FOR IGNORING ME!!
Lezard: (*as couple*) Oh, you're excused.
Xelloss: (*as Lenneth*) ARGH!!
>"Kind of a bad wreck, wasn’t it?" the man said.
>"Yeah," the woman said. "Kind of hard to believe we’re dead…"
Faye: (*as woman*) With all the pain, and crunching of bone… I think I’m still alive!
>"Excuse me…" Lenneth said a little louder. They still did not turn.
>"What do you think’ll happen now?" the woman said.
Xelloss: (*as man*) I figure I’m going straight to hell for burning those puppies alive. You?
>"I have no clue, Lynn. I have no clue…" the man said.
>"EXCUSE ME!" Lenneth shouted, rapping the man soundly over the head with her
>nightstick. The couple finally acknowledged her presence.
Ianthe: (*as man, Dr. Evil voice*) Oww! You fractured my skull, you A-hole!!
>"Yeah, what do you want?" the man said, rubbing his head.
>"Can you two tell me what happened?" Lenneth said.
>"Oh. Well, we were on a date," the man said. "We were just driving home when
Lezard: (*as man*) I took my hand of the steering wheel to feel her
up, and I kinda collided with the other vehicle.
Ayu & Faye: Stereo Slap! (*both smack him*)
Lezard: What? That wasn’t that perverted.
>that other car was driving in our lane. It didn’t have its lights on,
>didn’t know until it was too late to react. The rest is as you see it…"
Ianthe: Road pizza.
>"I see…well, I guess you two are the ones I’m looking for," Lenneth
>"Looking for?" the woman said. "What do you mean?"
Lezard: (*as Valkyrie*) I need a hot three-some, and you two are looking
Ayu & Faye: Stereo Punch! (*both punch him*)
Lezard: (*rubbing jaw*) Would you two cut that out? Next time I’m sitting on the end.
>"Perhaps I should explain," Lenneth said. "I am the Valkyrie. My job
is to take
>deceased souls to Asgard to fight alongside Odin in the battles against the
Faye: (*as Lenneth*) My existence is a cheap joke.
>"Huh?" the man said. "A Valkyrie, like in the myths?"
>"Myths, hmph!" Lenneth said, with a tone of resentment.
>"Sorry, sorry," the man said. "But, I thought that the Valkyries were clothed in
>shimmering armor. Looks like you’re dressed in riot gear."
Ayu: (*as Valkyrie*) Actually, I am clothed in shimmering armor. I think you had a little too much weed before getting behind the wheel.
>"Long story," Lenneth said. "I’ll have to explain it to you later."
>"I suppose we should introduce ourselves," the man said. "My name is Joseph, and
>this is my girlfriend, Lynn."
>"Pleased to meet you," Lynn said.
Ramirez: (*sarcastic*) Charmed, I’m sure.
>"You mentioned something about fighting…" Joseph said. "That might
be a problem.
>You see, we’re both pacifists."
Lezard: You're not Peacecrafts!
Xelloss: They're not Sailoonites either. What's your point?
Ianthe: If they were Sailoonites they could fight anyway!
Ayu: (*as Prince Phil*) JOYFUL REUNION BEAR HUG!! ALL MEN BROTHERS, HAND IN HAND!! And to finish it, PACIFIST CRUUUUUSH!!!
Ramirez: I'm beginning to be glad I don't know what you're talking about.
>"Well," Lenneth said. "Have either of you fought in a battle?"
>"No," they both replied.
>"Have you been in a fight?" she said.
>"No," they replied again.
Ianthe: No, they're pacifists!
Ayu: The first rule of Fight Club is, you do not talk about Fight Club. The second rule of Fight Club is--
Everyone Else: You don't talk about Fight Club.
Lezard: My god, everyone knows that. What an overused joke.
Ayu: Well, if they were in Fight Club, they would have had some combat experience!
Faye: As they got their asses handed to them.
Ayu: Well...yeah, but...still!!
>"Can either of you use a weapon?" Lenneth said, apparently grasping
>"Well, I used to go hunting when I was in high school…" Lynn said.
Ianthe: Oh, some pacifist! You won't hurt people, but you'll kill defenseless
Ramirez: (*to Ayu*) What's with her?
Ayu: She's an environmentalist.
Ianthe: I'm a ranger!!
Ayu: Yeah, you just keep telling yourself that.
>"Good!" Lenneth said, tossing a crossbow her way.
>"But, I’ve never used one of these things…" Lynn said, examining the weapon.
>"You’ll learn. And what about you? Any special abilities that pertain to
>fighting?" Lenneth said.
>"Well, I do know martial arts…" Joseph said reluctantly.
Ayu: Hiten Mitsurugi Ryuu--Souryuuken!!
Lezard: That's a sword technique, not a martial art.
Ayu: Well, I don't know what art Spike uses. Gimme a break.
Ianthe: I'm pretty sure he uses aikido...
Ayu: That'd make sense if he only used martial arts for defense, but Spike kicks a lot of ass too, and aikido is strictly self-defense.
>"Really? Which style? Jujitsu? Karate? Tae kwon do?"
>"Capoeira. Let me show you…" Joseph said. He then proceeded to perform a series
>of kicks, punches, and flips that looked more like dancing than fighting.
Ramirez: (*buries his face in his hands again*) Pathetic. Utterly...
>"All right, I get the point," Lenneth said. "Shall we go?" She took
>souls into herself and then departed from the scene.
>* * *
>Lenneth again called on her powers of concentration. Instead of looking for more
>souls, however, Lenneth was looking for areas of conflict in the world,
>partially to eliminate the suffering, and partially to train her newfound
>Within moments, she found a spot that needed assistance. She pinpointed
it as a
>place in downtown Villnore. Apparently an anarchist riot was going on in the
>city, and the police force there needed assistance in calming the public.
Xelloss: Oh, sure, blame it on the anarchists! Society could use some
destructive chaos once in a while!
Faye: You disturb me, Xelloss.
Xelloss: Wai! ^_^
>Lenneth quickly flew to Villnore to examine the situation. When she
>fully dressed in her riot gear "armor", she located an officer of the law.
>"Good, you’re here!" the police chief said. "You must be the captain of one of
>the SWAT teams we’ve sent for.
Ianthe: Valkyrie is the LAPD!
>I’m assuming these are your partners?" he said,
>pointing at Joseph and Lynn, who were similarly dressed.
>"Uh, yeah…" Lenneth said.
>"Good. Your job is to try keep this crowd under control. After you’re done, you
>can come back to the station for donuts if you like."
Xelloss: (*as Valkyrie*) Are they divine donuts?
>"Oooo! Donuts!" Joseph exclaimed.
>"Very well," Lenneth said. "Let’s go, guys," she said, as the three ran down a
>street. Before long, they found a group of three anarchists. Two of them were
>holding Molotov cocktails, and another had a pillowcase full of doorknobs.
Ramirez: Question. Doesn't Valkyrie purge the world of the undead? Why
is she fighting humans?
Lezard: Yeah, but she isn't necessarily limited to undead. Take your own advice and stop thinking about it.
>"Hold it right there!" Lenneth yelled out. "Cease and desist!"
>"Hey! Who are you?" the one with the doorknobs called out.
Lezard: (*as Valkyrie*) I am the goddess who flaps in the night! I am
the holy plumber who plunges defiled souls! I am...LENNEEEEETH VALKYRIE!!
Ayu: No more Darkwing Duck for you, Lezard.
>"You’re under arrest!" Lenneth shouted. "Come peacefully and we will
>"Yeah, right, fascist pigs!" one of the Molotov holders yelled. He threw the
>flaming bottle towards the group. It hit Joseph in the head, knocking him out
>cold. Luckily, it didn’t shatter, and he was mostly unharmed.
Xelloss: Um, NO. Glass is brittle. When it hits hard things like a person's
skull, it tends to break.
Faye: Besides, how "mostly unharmed" can he be if he's out cold?
Ramirez: Isn't he dead? How could it harm him to begin with?
> He was, however,
>the lucky recipient of a free trip to "The Ground"
Faye: (*as Joseph*) All right, The Ground! Better than KoRn!
>and won a matching headache
>in addition. Meanwhile, Lynn was preoccupied with her crossbow, which had jammed
Ianthe: (*as radar operator*) Sir. The radar, sir. It appears to be
Xelloss (*as Dark Helmet*): Jammed?! (*streaks a finger through the air and licks it*) ...Raspberry. (*pantomimes slamming helmet shut and switches to a deeper voice*) There's only one man who would dare give me the raspberry: LONE STAR!! Ungh!! (*drops to the floor in an overly dramatic rendition of getting slammed in the face with a movie camera*)
>when she tried to fire it.
>Lenneth quickly picked up the slack in her team’s aggression.
Ianthe: Heh. She got more Slack.
>She hit the anarchist with the doorknobs in the head with her riot
stick, sending him to the
>ground. The other two, seeing themselves at a disadvantage, quickly fled the
>scene, no doubt to pester other passers-by.
Lezard: That was remarkably lame.
>Joseph got up unsteadily. "Lemme at ‘em…" he mumbled, still a little
>"Hey, where’d they go?"
>"I see you’re up," Lenneth said. "Quit fooling around and let’s…" She was
>interrupted by an arrow that flew past her face, missing it by a few
>"Hey, got this thing working again!" Lynn exclaimed happily.
Faye: Too bad the battle's over!
>The three continued through the streets, subduing scores of vandals,
Ayu: Not to mention the Goths and Visigoths.
>and punk bands. Within minutes, the riot had died down to a handful of
>disgruntled college students with nothing better to do.
Xelloss: That's what it always starts with, that's what it'll always
Ianthe: They could always play video games!
>"Good work," the police chief said to Lenneth. "I’ll report this to
the head of
>"That’s alright, it was all in the course of duty," Lenneth replied. "We have to
>get going anyway."
>"Awww…no donuts?" Joseph said, disappointed.
Xelloss: (*as Valkyrie*) No, Joseph. No donuts.
>* * *
>Lenneth again appeared in the skies above Midgard. Before she could do anything
>else, she received a psychic signal from Valhalla.
Faye: (*starts humming the Batman theme*)
Ianthe: (*a la Robin*) Holy fruitcake, Batman, it's the Bat Signal!
>She knew what was happening.
>Freya was contacting her to update Lenneth on the current state of the war. She
>closed her eyes, ready to receive the news.
Ramirez: (*as Freya*) Oh, Valkyrie. The war's over, so we don't need your help anymore. Sorry about all that.
>"Hi!" a voice rather unlike Freya’s called out.
Lezard: (*as Surt*) What's up, Valkyrie! The war's over. We kicked the
Aesir's asses. Speaking of asses, yours is pretty fine. Wanna hook up with
Faye: (*smacks Lezard upside the head*) *mutters* Idiot.
>"Huh? What are you doing, Frei?" Lenneth replied.
>"Freya’s kinda busy at the moment. She wanted me to tell you about the battle
>and stuff." Frei said, with an undying tone of giddiness.
Faye: (*as Lenneth*) Frei, have you been into the sugar again? You know
what happened last time...
Ianthe: (*as Frei*) But it seemed like a good idea at the time!
Faye: (*as Lenneth*) You should know better than to do it again, though! Those hamsters are already traumatized enough as it is!!
>"I am being punished, without a doubt…" Lenneth said under her breath.
>"Oh, uh, nothing, Frei…"
Lezard: (*as Frei*) I thought I heard you say, "I want to be punished, without a doubt!" And you know, I can help you with that! (*pantomimes holding up a whip and cracking it with accompanying sound effect*)
>"Oh, whatever," Frei said, oblivious to Lenneth’s statement. "The war’s
>pretty good so far. We’re definitely in control. We probably won’t need the
>Einherjar until we go on the offensive,
Ramirez: How can you not be on the offensive, yet still be in control?
>so you can train them until then."
Ramirez: (*as Valkyrie*) Then what the hell was the point of waking
me up to begin with?!
Xelloss: (*as Frei*) To annoy you! ^_^
>"Oh, thank you, I am forever in your debt," Lenneth said, with a hint
>in her voice. Well, not a hint, more like a strong accent on the sarcasm. To
>hell with it, she threw the whole bottle of Sarcasm into the cooking pot.
Xelloss: Unfortunately, Sarcasm tends to make recipes explode, and as
a result the entire pot erupted into a rain of deadly shrapnel that rained
destruction upon the human world, killing everything beneath it. The end.
Ramirez: Hm. Not quite dark enough for my liking.
Lezard: You should have made it that the shrapnel permeated all the worlds and brought all the Aesir and Vanir and Giants and humans and elves and everything, really, back to chaos.
Xelloss: Hmm, point. I'll have to keep that in mind.
Faye: Is it just me or are all the men here utterly insane?
Ayu: It's not just you.
>Fortunately, most of the Gods, and Frei was no exception, were completely
>oblivious to sarcasm.
Ianthe: Are they from Betelgeuse, then?
>"That's good. See you later…" she said, ending their
>Lenneth grumbled for a moment after their conversation had ended, and then got
>back to work.
Ayu: Sucks to be her. Doesn't even get paid.
Xelloss: Being a servant of the gods usually isn't a very lucrative job.
Ianthe: I think the servitude is supposed to be its own reward.
>She concentrated again, in the hopes of finding at least one other
>person who was somewhat suitable for the Aesir.
>You unloaded the gun first, right?
Lezard: (*as other person*) No. I'ma gonna shoot you dead!
>Don’t worry, Ma. SUV’s are the safest cars on the road.
Ianthe: ...the son said as the grotesquely enormous car careened off
the highway and crashed into a ravine filled with deadly sharp spikes,
impaling all the fools who dared enter the demonic vehicle.
Ianthe: Thank you~ ^_^
Faye: Looks like it's just you and me who're sane, Ayu.
Ayu: Sou mitai yo ne. (Looks that way.)
>I’m pretty sure you cut the blue wire.
Ayu: Cut the cyan wire. Cyan. Cyan. Cyan... It's kinda pinkish, right?
Ianthe: That's really obscure.
Ayu: But it fits so well!
>Don’t try this at home, kids.
Lezard: Try it at school instead!
>So this is how it ends… Bingo. This time it was coming from Lassen.
Xelloss: Wait, she didn't let it end! What if it continues with, "I
never thought I'd die from getting a Vienna sausage shoved up my rectum!"?
Faye: Ewww... Ayu--
Ayu: Way ahead of you, Faye. (*smacks Xelloss*)
Xellos: Ow. That wasn't nice. ^_^
>* * *
>When Lenneth arrived at the scene, she found a group of people standing around a
>tall building. A section of the sidewalk was marked off with yellow police tape,
>with a chalk outline of a body on the concrete. She again assumed her spiritual
>form to look for the soul. When she did so, she found a middle-aged man lying
>exactly in the chalk outline.
>"Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow…" the man muttered.
Lezard: I didn't know we were in Max Payne.
Ramirez: Excuse me?
Lezard: In Max Payne, whenever you shoot someone dead, they go, "Owwww..."
>"Can I help you?" Lenneth asked.
>"Go away, I just want to die in peace…" he replied.
>"Well, you are dead…"
>"Really? I thought death would entail a little more…nonexistence."
Lezard: Depends on what you do with it.
>"Just get off the ground," Lenneth said. "What’s your name?"
>The man picked himself off the ground and brushed himself off. "Hector…"
>"Ah. I am the Valkyrie," Lenneth said. "How exactly did you die?"
>"Well, I jumped off that building," Hector said, pointing up.
Faye: (*as Hector*) See, I heard that you can do anything if you just
believe, so I believed I had wings and tried to fly!
Ianthe: (*sings*) I believe I can fly...
Ayu: Don't sing. You suck at it.
>"To make a long story short…I was just fired from my job, my wife left me for
>our insurance agent, my car was totaled, my cat got run over by an ambulance,
>and it’s migraine season…"
Faye: There's a season for migraines?
Ayu: Yeah, they call it "midterms" and "finals".
Faye: (*winces*) Amen to that.
>"Ouch…" Lenneth said. "That's harsh."
>"I know," Hector said.
>"Do you have any special talents?" Lenneth asked.
Lezard: (*as Hector*) Well, I can do this amazing thing with my--
Faye: (*shoves her fist in Lezard's mouth, muffling his next words*)
>"Well…" Hector said. "I am a magician…"
>"Great!" Lenneth shouted. "You’ll be very useful in battle. Come with me."
>"Battle? No, you misunderstand!" Hector said. "I’m a show magician. I do tricks
>of illusion, like this."
Ianthe: An Illusionist? Those are pretty handy to have around. You can
trick the enemy into seeing all kinds of things!
Ramirez: You can't hurt an enemy with an illusion, though. And once they see through it, illusions are pretty useless.
>He proceeded to pull a long-stemmed rose out of his
>nostril, which he then gave to Lenneth.
Ianthe: That's gotta hurt.
Xelloss: Eww, it’s got boogers on it!
>"So…you can’t conjure fireballs or spears of light or anything?"
>"Nope, it’s all sleight-of-hand," he said, coughing up a string of tied
Ayu: Worse than a hairball!
>"Great, not again…" Lenneth said.
>"If you don’t want to take me, you don’t have to…" Hector said.
>"You don’t understand," Lenneth said. "I chose you, so that means I have to take
>you, no matter what."
Lezard: You could always send him to Niflheim.
>"Well, that sucks."
>"Very much so," Lenneth said. "I suppose we’d better be off…"
Ianthe: (*singing*) We're off to see the wizard, the wonderfu- (*is
hit by Ayu*)
Ayu: You can't sing. And that's not even funny.
Ianthe: Ohhh.... ;_;
>* * *
>Over the next few days, Lenneth traveled over the Midgard landscape, defusing
>hostile situations. She solved
Faye: World hunger!
>a hostage situation in Artolia, subdued
>escaped convicts in Villnore, escorted
Ayu: Dubya to his nappy time!
>numerous Gerabellum political officials to Crell
>Monferaigne, and rescued a kitten stuck in a tree in Hai-Lan.
Xelloss: Everyone knows saving kittens is more important than the rest of that other crap.
>However, through all her searching, she did not find any more
>even moderately suitable for combat.
Ramirez: I don’t think Valkyrie is trying very hard.
>* * *
>The group stopped at a small street café in Hai-Lan. "Guys, go do whatever you
>want today. I just need time for myself…" Lenneth said. After they left, she sat
>down at a table, put her head down, and then wept bitterly.
Ramirez: You have no one to blame but yourself. This world is full of suffering and hatred; you could easily find soldiers if you searched in the right places.
>"This is all horrible, simply horrible," Lenneth cried. "Odin’s going
to kill me
>when I get back…"
Lezard: (*as Valkyrie*) Oh, hey! That's not so bad, at least I won’t have to endure this painful existence anymore!
>Joseph looked back to where they left Lenneth. "This isn’t good," he
>quietly to his friends. "Maybe we’d better start trying harder from now on," he
>said, as they walked down the street rather somberly.
>"Why does this have to be so damn difficult?" she sobbed under her breath. "Why
>can’t it all be like I remembered?"
Lezard: Why couldn’t you just have changed it when you remade the world?
>"It can be," a mischievous voice said. Lenneth turned around, and found
>face-to-abdominal area with her old nemesis, Loki.
>"Loki, what are you doing here?" Lenneth shouted in surprise. "And…what the hell
>are you wearing?"
Xelloss: (*as Loki*) Absolutely nothing! Say, while you're down there, would you mind doing me a little favor...?
>Loki was dressed in a bright green suit coat. Underneath was a
>red striped shirt that clashed with the jacket, and a checkered purple tie which
>was waging all-out war with the other two pieces of clothing. Though he meant to
Ianthe: (*motions helplessly*)
Faye: How can you mean to look inconspicuous dressed like that?
>he was as unnoticeable as a sore thumb in a room full of hand models.
>"Nevermind the clothes," Loki said. "I can tell you how you can restore Midgard
>to how you used to know it."
Faye: And what makes you think she'd listen to you?
>"No, Loki," Lenneth said. "I’m not going to destroy the world."
>"Why not?" Loki pleaded. "It’ll be fun!"
>"Loki, no. Just…no."
>"Please? I’ll be your friend…" Loki pleaded.
Xelloss: (*as Valkyrie*) That's good enough for me! Let’s go smash things!
Lezard: (*as Loki*) Now you’re talking!
>Lenneth had heard enough. She threw an ice crystal at Loki, freezing
>She then pushed him into the City Square, for people to see and pigeons to make
Lezard: Um, those crystals do melt. And rather quickly, I might mention.
>As she walked away, she could barely hear Loki’s voice. "Damn you,
>Lenneth…I’ll get my revenge one day…"
Ayu: (*a la Dr. Claw*) I’ll get you next time, Valkyrie! Next tiiiiiime!!
>Lenneth met up with her Einherjar, who were stumbling out of a nearby
>"Shall we leave?" Lenneth said to her drunken companions. They collapsed in
Faye: So much for trying harder.
Ianthe: Was that supposed to be a funny? Them getting drunk and all after saying they should try harder?
>* * *
>Just after leaving Hai-Lan, Lenneth received a message from Freya.
>"Lenneth, we need you back here," she said. "We’re going on the offensive, and
>we need you and the Einherjar to assist us."
>Lenneth gulped. She was quickly beginning to fear for her job, if not her life.
Ianthe: (*motions helplessly, again*)
Lezard: I feel your pain.
>* * *
>"Lenneth! You’re back!" Freya shouted. "It’s good to see you! Where are the
>"Ummm…" Lenneth said.
>"Quit stalling," Odin said. "We want to see the warriors!"
Ianthe: (*as chibi-Odin*) I wanna see the warriors! I wanna see the
Ayu: (*smacks her*) Stop that.
>"Well…they’re right here…" Lenneth said, pointing at her associates.
>currently were engaged in the act of staring unbelievably at their surroundings.
>"Very funny, Lenneth," Freya said. "Where are the real Einherjar?"
Ayu: Will the real Einherjar please stand up?
>"They’re right here," Lenneth said. "They’re all I could find."
>"What do you mean, ‘They’re all you could find,’" Odin asked.
>"I mean these are the only ones even remotely suitable for combat," Lenneth
>said. "Midgard’s changed more than you know."
Faye: Hey, I resent the dig at modern man! We're just as capable as
Ayu: Besides, wouldn't there be martial artists and weapon masters? Not to mention the soldiers.
>"Nevermind," Freya said. "They’ll have to do. You can take off that
Lezard: (*hollers at screen*) Take it off! Take it off!!
Ayu: Whoever didn’t see that coming, raise your hand.
(*nobody raises their hand*)
Ayu: I thought so.
>your old armor and weapons will suit you fine here."
>"Very well," Lenneth said. "When do we attack?"
>"Tomorrow morning," Odin said. "You’ll infiltrate Jotunheim castle, as usual."
Ramirez: (*as Valkyrie*) How many times have I done this, again?
>"I understand," Lenneth said.
Faye: Then she muttered, "You idiot," under her breath.
>* * *
>The four raced down the icy corridors of Jotunheim palace, defeating bands of
>Vanir soldiers as they went. Before long, they were in the throne room of Surt,
>leader of the Vanir.
Ianthe: So they’re in his bathroom?
>"Oh, great, not again…" Surt said as he caught a glimpse of the four.
>down the magazine he was reading and drew his sword.
Ianthe: Yay! I was right!
Ayu: If you’re right, that means he’s not wearing pants!
Ianthe: Noo! I was right!
>"Prepare yourself, Surt!" Lenneth shouted. "Your destruction is at
>"Why can’t you Aesir morons just leave us alone?" Surt said angrily. "It’d be a
>hell of a lot easier if you weren’t always starting battles and whatnot!"
Ianthe: (*as Surt*) Can't we all just get along?
>"Silence, vile evildoer!" Lenneth screamed. "The emptiness of the void
Ayu: (*as Seymour*) Death awaits you!
Lezard: Surt’s not an aeon!
>"You and what army?" Surt said. "Those three fools from Midgard? I’m
>they even know how to fight…"
Ayu: (*as Valkyrie*) Oh, I sent them to Akara, and trust me, if they
want to live, they'd fucking better learn how to fight.
Faye: That's really obscure. Not to mention such a self-plug.
Ayu: Screw you.
>"Hey, Surt," Hector said, digging a coin out of his pocket. "Watch
>slapped the coin against his bare palm, causing it to disappear. He then walked
>up to Surt, reached behind his ear, and pulled the coin from it.
Xelloss: (*as Hector*) You never clean your ears, do you?
>"Hey…how’d you do that?" Surt asked. His amazement was soon shattered,
>arrow from Lynn’s crossbow pierced his hand, causing him to drop his sword.
Lezard: You're the lord of the Vanir. Why are you so surprised by a quarter being pulled out of your ear?
>"Why you little…" he grumbled. However, his anger caused him to drop
>enabling Joseph to sneak behind him and give him a sharp kick to the back of his
Ayu: But Surt's all big. That's one hell of a kick.
Ianthe: He climbed up first.
>Surt stumbled to the ground, dazed. He was then easy prey for Lenneth’s
>sword. She drove her blade through his back and into his heart.
>"Curse you, Lenneth…curse you all!" he said with his dying breath.
Ianthe: (*as Simpsons comics guy*) Worst final battle ever.
>"Good work," Lenneth said to her compatriots. "I knew you’d pull through
>end. Let’s go back to Valhalla…"
Ramirez: You knew? How? You were lamenting your fate just a little while ago!
>* * *
>"Excellent work, Lenneth!" Odin said, praising Lenneth. "You’ve again acquired
>victory for us."
>"The Einherjar did a remarkable job," Freya said. "Another job well done."
>"Thank you," Lenneth said. "Now, if you’ll excuse me…"
Faye: (*as Valkyrie*) …I have to go pound nails through my clit. You’re
all such idiots.
Ramirez: Nice obscure reference.
Faye: Thank you.
>Lenneth walked out of the gigantic doors of Valhalla. Waiting for her
>"Good job, Lenneth!" she cried. "You’ve saved Asgard once again! You’ve got to
>tell me about how your adventures on Midgard went!" Lenneth closed her eyes
>tightly and made her hand into a fist.
Xelloss: Raging Fist of DOOOOOM!
>Frei fell to the ground unconscious. A small but steady stream of blood
>from her now misshapen nose. Lenneth looked down at her unmoving body, and
>smiled ever so slightly. She then walked down the path to her bedroom, finally
>convinced that her job was complete.
Lezard: It’s not complete until you’ve gotten some well-deserved nookie
for all your hard work. (*leers*)
Faye: Weren’t you saying that she’s not the Valkyrie you know?
Lezard: (*shrugs*) Sex is sex. Love, on the other hand, is something completely different.
Faye: Yeah, like you’d really know the difference.
Ayu: Shut up, you two, the fic’s over!
> [ Click here to report possible abuse to staff ]
Ianthe: (*frantically hits screen with her hand*) Abuse! Abu-u-u-use!!
Xelloss: (*biting his cheeks to keep from laughing, patpats Ianthe on the back*) There, there. ^_^
ENTRY SEQUENCE...IN REVERSE!
DOOR 6: A regular door, only without a doorknob. Xelloss shrugs and blows it apart with his nifty Mazoku powers.
DOOR 5: Vast double doors sealed with powerful magic. Lezard invokes a power word to get them open.
DOOR 4: A castle gate guarded by two lonely mooks. Faye uses her “feminine wiles” to get past ‘em.
DOOR 3: The entryway to an airship. Ramirez, tired of all this bullshit, Silver Eclipses it into six separate pieces.
DOOR 2: Boughs of trees blocking their way. Being a ranger, Ianthe manages to talk them into moving out the way.
DOOR 1: Vast, Victorian-style double doors inscribed with the English letters, “M E S S I A H”, going around in a circle. Ayu gets pissed and tells them to stop stealing her original ideas, and they hastily open at risk of a lawsuit.
Ramirez: I feel defiled.
Ayu: Ugh. Now comes the part where Hojo messages us and asks us how totally warped we’ve become.
Xelloss: We were already warped. Doesn’t he realize that?
Ayu: Apparently not. Let’s just tell him how much it sucked in a nonchalant manner and piss him off that way.
Xelloss: Sounds like a plan! ^_^
(*as Ayu predicted, a red light starts flashing, and with a grumble, Ramirez smacks it*)
Hojo: (*eyeglasses glinting evilly as he wrings his hands*) So, boys and girls, how scarred are you from that little adventure?
Lezard: Oh, please. That was hardly enough to break us. The thing that bothered me most was the poor characterization, along with the inconsistencies to the actual Valkyrie Profile storyline.
Ianthe: It was trying to be funny, but it failed miserably. Most of the jokes were ill-timed and overdone, and the author has some obvious issues with some of the characters.
Ayu: The grammar and spelling weren’t that bad, and for that I’m grateful.
Faye: It was boring. If you’re trying to shock us or something, find a better piece of crap.
Hojo: (*gleefully*) Ahh, a rise in hostilities! Excellent!
Ayu: No, Rami’s always like that.
Ramirez: (*draws his sword and holds it to her throat*) Call me that again and I shall rend you in two.
Ayu: (*ignoring him*) See?
Hojo: (*frowning and wringing his hands even more*) I see. I see. I’ll have to do better next time, then. Gast, the button...! Oh, wait, he's dead. And with Cloud gone, I don't have anyone working for me right now...
Ianthe: Least of all Gast. Maybe you’d have Lucrecia if you hadn’t SACRIFICED HER LIFE TO EXPERIMENT ON YOUR OWN SON!!!
Hojo: That's my business, not yours. Sleep well, my guinea pigs! (*hits the button*)
Ok: Disclaimer time!!
We do not own several of the characters used in the fic. All Valkyrie Profile characters belong to Enix. Xelloss and everyone else are owned by their respective owners.
We also do not own the fic being riffed. It belongs to Paul Beaudoin. Since we did not ask first, let us know if you want us to take down the riffing. We're nice people (really!); we can work something out. Just be polite, and we will, too.
The whole concept of Mystery Science Theatre is copyright Best Brains, Inc.
We do, however, own ourselves. Do not use us without our permission.
>"Well, what about my weapons?" Lenneth shouted, holding up a nightstick
>small riot shotgun. "Can’t I at least get my sword back?"
>"I’m not sure about that…" Freya said. "The inconspicuousness, remember.”