YET ANOTHER BAD MST3K RIPOFF
Episode 115:  "Soul of the Cards, Chapters 1-2"
Written by: White Knight of Dark and Light
MSTed by:  Ianthe Fira Ar'ne (ianthefira@rangersgrove.zzn.com) and Ohseki Ayu (ensoph@goddess.zzn.com)

------------------------------------------------------------

In a yet undetermined time
I can't tell when it would be!
There were a bunch of people
Quite different from you and me!

None of them were from the same universe,
And normally they would never converse,
But circumstances being what they are,
Hojo stole them from their homes and sent them in the sky so far!

Everyone: GET...US...DOOOOWN!!!

(Hojo) I'll send them stupid fanfics,
The worst that I can find! (La la la!)
I'll make them sit and read them all
And experiment on their minds! (La la la!)

Now keep in mind they can't control
Where the fanfics begin or end. (La la la!)
They'll just have to try and retain their sanity
With the jokes that they make!

(*music stops*)
Hojo: That doesn't rhyme, you know...
Ayu: Shut up, ratboy!
(*music starts up again*)

RIFFER ROLL CALL!

Ayu! ("OOOHOHOHOHOHO!")
Ianthe! ("Make...the hurting...stop!")
Lezard Valeth! ("Open the gates of Niflheim!")
Ramirez! ("DIE!")
Kaiba! ("What did I do to deserve this?!")
Faaaaaaaaye! ("Men are such idiots.")

If you're wondering how they survive up there,
And other science facts, (La la la!)
Shut the hell up, we were really bored one day,
So you'd better try and relax!
'Cause it's Yet Another Bad MST3K Ripoff! (*guitar riff*)

(*yet another day on the Satellite of Amore*)
Ayu&Ianthe: (*making marks on a list*)
Faye: (*seeing this*) What are you two doing?
Ianthe: (*oblivious to Faye*) Hey, I think he violated this one, too!
Ayu: Ooh, and this one, too. Poor Belleza.
Faye: Hey, who's Belleza? Move over, let me see. (*pushes Ayu out of the way to see a checkmark on the Grand Overlord List*)
Ianthe: Uh, hi Faye....
Faye: What's this? (*taking it, reading the first one aloud*) 'My legions of terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.' What the hell?
Ianthe: It's a list of things that you would do if you wanted to be an overlord and succeed at it.
Faye: Why are you checking some of these off, then?
Ayu: We're listing which of these Galcian neglected to do.
Faye: Who's Galcian?
Ramirez: (*happening to pass by, stops and looks in their direction*) What's this about Lord Galcian?
Ianthe: (squee) Uh, nothing.
Ramirez: (*glares at her suspiciously and approaches them, then sees the document*) What's that?
Ayu: It's, um...uh...nothing.
Faye: (*shrugs*) Evil Overlord list.
Ramirez: ....Let me take a look at that.
Ianthe: ....
Ayu: Um, I don't think--
Faye: Sure, here. (*hands it to him*)
Ramirez: (*takes it, starts reading*) (*raises an eyebrow, suspiciously*) What are these check marks for?
Faye: Oh, those are the ones that this Galcian guy didn't listen to, which is what made him suck as an evil overlord...or so Ayu and Ianthe told me.
Ianthe: (*hides*)
Ayu: (*running*)
Ramirez: (*reading*) .............. (*glares up murderously*) Where Are They.
Ianthe: (*attempting to Hide In Shadows*)
Faye: So who's this Galcian guy?
Ramirez: (*coldly as he looks around for the girls*) Someone who could kill you before you had the chance to blink. Aha!! (*easily spies Ianthe--big wings tend to impede one's ability to Hide In The Shadows--and draws his sword*) I'll kill you for insulting Lord Galcian!!
Ianthe: (*runs like she's on fire*)
Ramirez: (*chases*)
Faye: (*stares after them*)
Kaiba: (*entering the room, sipping a mug of coffee, catching sight of the exiting insanity*) What's going on?
Faye: From the looks of it, death.
Kaiba: How nice. (*goes back to drinking coffee*)
(*com light goes off*)
Kaiba: (*eyebrow twitches in irritation*)
Faye: (*languidly lights up another cigarette*) You gonna hit it?
Kaiba: What happens if I don't?
Faye: Depends, I guess.
Ayu: (*peeking back into the room and whews*) Good, looks like Rami's gone. (*walking in*) Oh, hey, Kaiba.
Kaiba: (*eyeing Ayu warily*)
Ayu: Oh, don't look at me like that, I'm not going to jump you. ...Right now. (*glances at the comlight*) Hn...looks like Hojo wants to torment us again.
Faye: (*nods, and leans back in her chair a bit*)
Ayu: Hey, Kaiba, dare you to hit the com button with your coffee mug.
Kaiba: I'm not wasting good coffee.
Ayu: Aww. Faye, will you shoot it?
Faye: Why should I?
Ayu: It would be amusing.
Faye: Fair enough. (*draws Glock, shoots the com button*)

[FROM LABS]
Hojo: (*on screen*) It's about time! At least you didn't wait as long this time, though... Ahem, anyway! I have a new present for you, my dear experiments!

[IN SoA]
Kaiba: (*interestedly watching the Satellite reforming itself*) How does it do that?
Ayu: I dunno. We're pretty sure the Satellite is alive or something like that. In retrospect, I probably shouldn't have asked Faye to shoot it. The Satellite will probably be pissed at her later.
Faye: (*flinches*) Oh, NOW you remind me!

Hojo: Listen to me, you insects!! Especially you, Kaiba! This new fic is a special gift just for you!

[IN SoA]
Kaiba: (*glances at Hojo, looking remarkably unimpressed, still drinking coffee*) ....

[FROM LABS]
Pegasus' Voice, Off-Screen: (*laughing*) Oh, yes, I picked it out just for you, Kaiba-boy.

[IN SoA]
Kaiba: (*twitches and drops the coffee mug*) Pegasus!! Get me out of here this instant!!

[FROM LABS]
Pegasus' Voice, Off-Screen: Oh, come now, Kaiba-boy, what fun would that be?

[IN SoA]
Kaiba: (*growls*)

[FROM LABS]
Hojo: (*annoyed at not being taken seriously*) Cloud! The button! Now!
Cloud: Yeah, yeah... (*hits the button*)

[IN SoA]
(*sirens, klaxons, lights, et cetera*)
Faye: WE GOT FIC SIIIIIIIGN!
Kaiba: Why are you yelling?
Faye: Um...because?
(*they all meander to the theatre in time to see Ianthe dash inside, then get crashed into by Ramirez*)
 

ENTRY SEQUENCE!
DOOR 1: Huge double doors inscribed with kanji reading “Kyuu Sei Shu”. Ayu uses her divine Author powers to open them.
DOOR 2: An elven-style stone door a la the one to the Mines of Moria in LotR. Ianthe says “friend in Elvish”, causing it to grind open.
DOOR 3: A door inscribed with the six Moons of the Arcadia world. Ramirez uses the Silver Crystal in his left hand to trigger the power to open them.
DOOR 4: Prison bars. Faye uses one of her high-tech secret gadgets to pick the lock.
DOOR 5: A hideous door composed of decomposing bodies. Lezard uses his necromancy to get them to shuffle out of the way.
DOOR 6: A large metal door with a high-tech lock. Kaiba approaches it, and it scans his retinas before confirming his identity and sliding open.

Order:
       [Fic/Theatre Screen]

              [Audience]
[ Lezard | Faye | Ramirez | Ayu | Kaiba | Ianthe ]

Ianthe: (*scurries to her seat*)
Ramirez: (*trying to slice her in half*)
Ayu: (*holding him back*) Rami, Rami! You want the Satellite to discharge you into space?!
Ramirez: She insulted Lord Galcian!! And--hey, wait, you insulted Lord Galcian too!!
Faye: (*pistol-whips Ramirez*) Shut up and get in your seat, jackass!
Ramirez: (*death-glares at Faye, but mutters and sits down*)

>Hi everyone.

Ianthe: (*waves, cheerful*) Hi!
Ramirez: (*snaps*) Don't be happy! If we're sitting here in the first place, what we're about to witness can't be good!
Ianthe: (*squees*) You need to be less angry...
Ramirez: (*mutters some more*)
Ayu: (*refrains from patpatting him--she likes her limbs intact*)

>Sorry if I didn't post sooner or complete everything. Ill do it soon so plz wait for now enjoy a new story.

Lezard: I can already tell this is going to be more fun than dissecting a barrel of monkeys.
Ianthe: ....You're weird.

>Yugi Drew Karibo and activated the card and Multiply. Creating millions of them.

Ayu: A Good Anime was dubbed and edited for American TV. Creating millions of bad fanfic authors.
Hojo's Voice: I'll let that one slide...

>Kaiba attempted to destroy it but more grew. Yugi then used Living Arrow, Polymerization and Mammoth Graveyard on
>Blue-Eyes Ultimate Dragon. BUT, what if Kaiba had another card to stop Yugi.

Ramirez: BUT, what if the author knew how to use a question mark.
Hojo's Voice: HAH! Fry! (*electrocutes Ramirez*)
Ramirez: (*fries, smokes*) .....kill you all.....

>"Come on Kaiba do you think constantly attacking my Karibo defense
with that dragon will save you?" asked the now taunting Yugi. Kaiba Just smirked.

Ianthe: So... he's changed his name to Kaiba Just?
Lezard: Inappropriate capitalization.

>"Yugi, this is what I like about you. Your sheer determination and your faith in
>the cards. Not to mention your friends' undying loyalty to each other." He then looked at
>Joey, Tristan, Bakura and Tea.

Kaiba: Who the hell--? Who are these people?
Ayu: Jounouchi, Honda, Bakura and Anzu, in that order. Bakura's the white-haired boy who was with Yuugi and his friends at
the Duelist Kingdom.
Kaiba: Why do they suddenly have English names, with the exception of Bakura?
Ayu: Uhh...I'd tell you now, except I'd probably get fried for breaking the Fourth Wall. I'll tell you later.
Ianthe: It's dubbed!
Hojo's Voice: HAH! I was waiting for that!! (*button push*)
(*BRZAAAAAAP*)
Ianthe: ...Mind if I smoke? (*collapse*)

>A small tear escaped his eyes. "Is that really Kaiba?" asked Joey.

Kaiba: No.

>" Man I never thought I'd see him cry." Said Tristan. "Oh, how the mighty
>have fallen." Said Bakura. Tea just looked at Kaiba. Man, I never thought he'd be like
>this. Perhaps Seto Kaiba isn't as cold as I thought. Thought Tea.

Lezard: Looks like someone doesn't know how to properly use a comma.
Hojo's Voice: No author flames! You fry, too!! (*hits the button, effectively electrocuting Lezard*)
Lezard: ....ow....
Faye: Aren't you dead? Why do you feel pain?
Lezard: ...shut...up....you.....

>Kaiba then looked back at Yugi. "What are you saying Kaiba." Asked confused
>Yugi. " What I'm saying Yugi is that I envy you." Now everyone was shocked.
>"ENVY!?" shouted. Yugi.

Faye: Narrated. By William. Shatner.

>"Yes. I envy you Yugi.

Ayu: (*as Kaiba*) Your strong and true friendships, your loving personality, your big bright eyes, your silky hair, your smooth milky thighs, the way your leather clothes just cling to your tight little body...ohhh God....I have to go to the bathroom. (*pantomimes running off*)
Kaiba: (*giving Ayu a weird look*)

>You have so many friends yet I only have Mokuba.

Ayu: (*as fic-Kaiba*) Man, I'm a loser.
Kaiba: (*growls*)
Ayu: Not you, him. Fake Kaiba.

>Your grandpa may be a part of you but to me Mokuba is the entire world to me.

Faye: Welcome to Mt. Redundancy Mountain.

>He's the only one I can call my friend. You have more friends than I but Mokuba
>is all I've got. Therefore you must lose." Stated Kaiba. "An honorable speech Kaiba but I
>will not withdraw from this battle." Called Yugi.

Ayu: (*as Yami Yuugi*) Screw making compromises or deals, 'cause that's what my partner does. I just make duelists' heads go boom! PUNISHMENT GAME OF DEATH!!

>"I didn't expect you to Yugi." Said Kaiba. With that he snapped back the Dueling
>Disk and placed a card down and threw it back. "This card will end our duel." He stated
>once more. In the card was released a De-spell.

Ayu&Ramirez: (*stare at Kaiba*)
Kaiba: (*noticing them*) What?
Ayu: Well, Kaiba? Why didn't you use a Magic Removal card on Yuugi?
Kaiba: I'd used it up already.
Ramirez: You only have one in your deck? Didn't it occur to you that several of such cards would be useful?
Kaiba: (*visibly affronted*) I'm the best duelist in the world! I won't be lectured by the likes of you!
Ayu: Yeah, the best after Yuugi.
Kaiba: Nobody asked your opinion!!
Ayu: It's not an opinion, it's fact.
Kaiba: (*seethes*) I hate you.

>Yugi was shocked and in a couple of
>moments the Karibo were all reduced to one. Yugi Looked at Kaiba and saw a face of
>Regret. " I'm sorry Yugi. Blue-Eyes Ultimate Dragon. NUETRON BLAST!!"

Kaiba: There's no such thing as a Nuetron. Try Neutron instead.

>Kaiba called. And in a matter of moments the furry Karibo was gone in a flash.

Faye: "Moments"? Shouldn't that be "seconds"? I mean, how long does it take for a gigantic three-headed dragon to destroy a tiny fuzzy ball of fluff?

>Everyone again stood there shocked.
>" It's over Yugi I won. Thanks to you." Everyone stared at Kaiba. They were
>surrounding him. "You jerk why don't ya pick on some one your size ya snivellin piece
>of trash. Why I ota."

Ianthe: (*recovers*) OTAKU!!
Ayu: "Ought to". Or, in deference to slang, "oughtta".

>"Joey. That's enough!!" roared Yugi. Everyone turned to him as if he grew three heads.

Ayu: It's the Purple-Eyes Ultimate Yuugi!!
Kaiba: Oh, god...

>"Enough. Kaiba beat me fair and square and insulting Kaiba for
>FAIR victory will only add more shame to me." He looked at his friends. "See what I
>mean Yugi. Even though you lost you lost your friends stand up against me because
>you're their friend. Mokuba is like that. That's why I won't lose him." Yugi just nodded.

Lezard: (*as Yuugi*) Yeah, whatever. Your little brother's your only friend? Get a life, you loser.
Kaiba: (*eyes flash*)
Ianthe: Hey, wait. Didn't Kaiba have some kind of bizarre trip where he pictured Mokuba being sucked into the rotting Blue Eyes Ultimate Dragon? Don't tell me the fic skipped out on that!
Ayu: It also skipped out on Kaiba's little 'kill-me-if-you-dare' stunt.
Ianthe: DAMN!! I thought that was cool!!

>He looked at his friends and motioned them to gather around him. They formed a circle
>and chatted a bit. When they were done they walked over to Kaiba. "Listen Kaiba we're
>sorry about doubting your belief in the cards.

Kaiba: Uh, I don't believe in the cards. I fought using my own tactics, not Yuugi's.
Ayu: And you almost lost to Yuugi and did lose to Pegasus because of it.
Kaiba: ........

>So we decided to thank you by lending you some of our cards." Said Yugi smiling.

Kaiba: .....What?
Lezard: You heard the boy! He's being an idiot! Take his cards!

>Kaiba was shocked to hear this. After the trouble
>he caused, he was completely speechless.

Kaiba: I'm more shocked by the rampant stupidity that went with the gesture than with the gesture itself.

>First, up were Joey and Tristan. They both looked at him cautiously " we still
>don't like you Kaiba, but if Yugi says you can beat Pegasus I'll help out and so will
>Tristan. But our help comes with a price."

Kaiba: (*as himself*) I neither need nor want your pathetic "help". I can beat Pegasus by myself.
Ayu: Well...yeah.
Kaiba: (*looking at Ayu approvingly*) You think I could beat him?
Ayu: No. He has the Eye. That pretty much guarantees his win. I'm just saying that what you said just now is completely in your character.
Kaiba: (*frowns*) Of course it's in my character, I'm the one who said it.
Ayu: Too bad fic-Kaiba doesn't share the same opinion as you...

>To be honest Kaiba was about to say
>Chihuahua instead of Joey, but since he needed all the help he could get he simply
>nodded.

Kaiba: Help? From the makeinu? Heaven help me if I need help from that would-be duelist.

>"Alright, I want the three thousand dollar prize money for my sisters operation
>okay moneybags." Said Joey attempting to start Kaiba's temper.

Kaiba: A mediocre attempt from a mediocre duelist.
Ianthe: You really don't like Jounouchi-kun, do you?
Kaiba: (*shrugs*) It's fun to torment him.

>"Sure why not" he said.
>Joey gritted his teeth and slipped his hands in his pocket. He produced three cards. They
>were Swamp Bodyguard, Lava Bodyguard, and Flame Swordsman. "Here, When the
>Lava Bodyguard and Swamp Bodyguard are on the field at the same time they'll protect
>each other. And take Flame Swordsman as well. I want them back though." Said Joey.

Kaiba: (*as himself*) Keep them; I don't want them.
Ianthe: You know, compared to what Kaiba's already got in his deck, those monster cards aren't really going to be of much use.
Ayu: Yeah, Jou-chan has better cards he could lend out.
Kaiba: (*stares at Ayu*) ..."Jou-chan"?
Ayu: (*grins*)
Kaiba: (*chuckles*)

>Kaiba just nods.
>Next up was Bakura. " Here take these two cards." He said. He produced Just
>Desserts and Change of Heart. "I can guess you already know their effects." Said Bakura.

Lezard: He should; he's the world champion.

>"Yes, I know their effects." He said. Not the least bit smug.

Faye: Watch out for those sentence fragments; they're sharp.

>Next, surprisingly, was Yugi. "Here take my Dark Magician it'll help big time."
>He gave it to Kaiba. "Thank You, Yugi Moto." He said smiling. "Oh, and if you don't
>mind can rescue my grandpa as well?" Yugi asked.

Lezard: (*as fic-Kaiba*) Yes, I do mind! Rescue him your own goddamn self, you scrawny little bastard!
Kaiba: Hey. I'm not that cruel.
Lezard: Yeah, 'cause Yuugi can kick your ass.
Kaiba: (*eyes narrow*)
Hojo's Voice: No fighting in the theatre! It was bad enough when Ramirez started tearing up the interior at the end of The Pendant!!
Ramirez: (*TWITCH*)
Ayu: Shhh!! Don't mention that again! You want him to go buck psycho again?!

>"Sure"
>Finally Tea came to him reluctantly. And blushing too. " You play Duel
>Monsters?" asked Kaiba. "What!? Can't a girl play this game." She said while giving him
>her Magician of Faith.

Ianthe: This whole fic reads like a badly translated game.
Ayu: What you say!
Ianthe: ^_^;;

>"Thank you" he said smiling. Tea just Blushed and said " Your not
>a very good charmer Seto Kaiba." She said out loud though blushing beet red.

Kaiba: I wasn't trying to charm you. I said "thank you". (*mutters*) Crazy girl...

>The others tried to suppress their laughter while Joey and Tristan were rolling on the ground hands
>on chest laughing till it hurts.

Ayu: (*as Joey*) Woo! She thinks Kaiba's tryin'a' charm her! What a dumbass!

>Kaiba just smirked and said something in her ear.
>His breath sent shivers up her spine.

Lezard: Halitosis will do that to you.
Kaiba: (*death glare*)
Ianthe: (*as Tea*) Oh, man, he must have eaten something with a lot of garlic... It's making my hair stand on end!
Kaiba: Shut up.

>When he backed away he started to stride towards the castle.
>Leaving a very red Tea.

Ianthe: (*mimicking a male voice*) Would you like some more poison--I mean, tea?
Ayu: (*old lady voice*) Why, don't mind if I do! (*pantomimes almost taking tea*) Whoops--almost got me there! (*smacks Ianthe*)

>"Hey Tea what sis Kaiba say to you." She Quickly shakes her head at Joey saying
>it was nothing.

Lezard: Why is it that some fics feel the need to switch between past and present tense? Pick one and stick with it, damn it!
Faye: (*peers at the fic*) "What sis Kaiba say to you"? Kaiba's a nun?
Kaiba: (*just glares at Faye*)

>She then looked at to where Kaiba was walking up the stairs. His words
>echoing in her mind. Where would the fun be if I rushed? And plus I want to see you
>blush more.

Kaiba: .........No. No, I don't.

>That's what he said to her. Maybe he's not a cold hearted beast after all and
>maybe he has a heart for people as well.

Ianthe: (*laughs*) Right, and Heero Yuy is a kind and gentle boy!
Ayu: Oh, he is! Deep...deep down inside...somewhere...maybe...sometimes... u.u

>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ianthe: It's a row of ants! ...Viewed from above.

>I don't own anything k. just keep R&R but I gotta go soon for a month

Faye: Maybe he/she won't come back.

>"Stop playing games and get your deck ready." Stated the infurated Seto Kaiba.

Ramirez: But a card game is by its very nature a game.

>Seto Kaiba the Monster Duelist Champion cringed at the thought of his brother, Mokuba,
>Duel him in mere shell of his form.

Ayu: .... (*tilts head*) What?
Kaiba: If you don't pay attention to the lack of words, or the bad grammar, it almost makes sense.

>"You stole his soul, ripped him of his dignity and still
>you control him as your pet to go against me!? Truly you are sick Maximillion Peguses."

All: (*stare*)
Ayu: PEGUSES?

>Shouted Kaiba. "Why thank you Kaiba boy, but I suggest what you say from now on."

Ramirez: ....Um, what are you suggesting, exactly?
Ayu: What you say!

>He said smirking. He snapped his fingers and a giant dueling arena appeared.

Ianthe: What? Ayu, can he do that?
Ayu: Make a dueling arena *poof* appear of nowhere? No, he can't.

>" Your in my world now" he said smirking.

Ayu: (*as herself*) In my world, you don't exist.

>"Fine, lets finish this Peguses." Then, before he took out his cards he spotted Yugi
>and the others he Gaped at them and remembered their help and the flirt with Tea. Then
>he mentally slapped himself. Stop thinking about her Seto Kaiba she just a gir.

Ianthe: (*as GIR, singing*) Doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom....
Kaiba: (*smacks Ianthe*) Cut that out.
Ianthe: Owww....

>And plus I bet something is happening between her and Yugi." Thought Kaiba. He then looked at
>Pegesus a smug look at his face.
>"What's the matter Kaiba-boy are you here to stare at my beautiful face or are you
>here to play Duel Monster?" taunted Pegesus.

Kaiba: .......................
Ayu: Uh, Pegasus has a dead fiancée he's obsessing over (not like that ever stopped yaoi before, but whatever). Why is he flirting with Kaiba?
Pegasus' Voice: Why am I flirting with Kaiba-boy? Hmmm, Hojo?
Hojo's Voice: Er...um...I didn't read the story?
Cloud's Voice: Hojo is a complete incompetent. He hasn't broken any of them at all; he's never going to properly torment Kaiba.
Pegasus' Voice: Hmm, that is a predicament. What do you suggest?
Cloud's Voice: Kick him out!
Pegasus' Voice: Ooo! Mutiny! I like!
Hojo's Voice: What?! You can't do this to me!!
Riffers: .....
Ayu: (*suddenly starts giggling*)
Ramirez: What?
Ayu: The first opening theme to Yuu*Gi*Ou Duel Monsters is called voice...and the group that performs it is called CLOUD! Hee~~
Ramirez: .............

>He lookeed at the silver haired man once
>more and grinded his teeth. Then he saw it, his Millenium Eye. That's the thing that took
>Mokuba's soul.

Kaiba: Grr.
Lezard: Grrr, baby!
Faye: (*GIR voice*) I'm gonna sing the doom song now, 'kay?
Lezard&Ramirez: NO!!
Faye: (*sulks*) Men. They all suck.
Ianthe: How's he know it's the Millenium Eye?
Kaiba: The what?
Ayu: The Millennium Eye. It's one of seven super-powerful items which have the ability to control the World of Darkness. The Millennium Puzzle that hangs around Yuugi's neck is one of them. Not that you believe in any of this superstitious crap, though.
Kaiba: (*peers at Ayu*) ...No. No, I won't ask.
Ayu: How it is I knew what you'd say?
Kaiba: That's enough out of you.
Ayu: Heh.

>Hmmm- that's it! That's how he beat Bandith Kieth.
>He can see a persons cards. But can he see a players hand or deck? Damn this is complicating even if
>he can only see my hand how can I beat him without even looking at my cards?" thought
>Kaiba.

Ayu: Belieeeeeeve in the heart of the cards!
Kaiba: Oh, shut up.

>Just then he caught sight of Yugi and his friends. "Yugi!!!" he called.
>"Kaiba listen carefully don't under estimate Pegesus he has a large advantage
>against you. Use the "Heart of the cards"he yelld.

Ianthe: See? Heart of the cards!
Kaiba: Shut up. Like I'm going to listen to Yuugi, anyway.
Ayu: Isn't that how you lost in the first place?
Kaiba: (*death-glares*)
Ayu: Hey, I'm just saying...

>Kaiba just nodded and faced Pegesus when he heard a voice "Master Kaiba" and
>at that instant everything went still. He couldn't here anything. When he looked around
>the entire place was all light or dark purple.

Lezard: Kaiba, a bit of advice. Don't hit cheap acid. You'll go on bad trips like these.
Kaiba: (*dryly*) Thanks for the tip.

>"What the hell is going on here." He shouted then an entire mass of creatures materialized before him.

Ianthe: Wow, that really is bad acid.

>"Greetings Master Kaiba" said one of them. The face completely caught him by surprise. It was the Dark Magician.
>"We are the souls of the cards.

Faye: (*as Dark Magician*) We just stopped by to say hello. Would you like some tea?

>And we ask you to wield our power before this great evil." He
>said then one by one the monsters appeared. Celtic Gaurdian, Mystical elf, Gaia the
>Fierce Knight, Curse of Dragon, and Summoned Skull materialized before.

Kaiba: I don't have a single one of those cards in my deck.
Ayu: As well you shouldn't, considering they're the English badly translated cards.

>"We ask you Seto Kaiba to wield us. We are not the souls of the monster from Master Yugi's deck but
>we are wandering souls looking for masters." Said the Dark Magician. Then more
>monsters appeared. Flame Swordsman, Magician of Faith, Dark Magician Girl and the
>Princess of Tsuragi.

Ayu: Amazing how all these cards are just happening to be looking for a master.
Kaiba: Maybe someone threw them out?
Ayu: Then they'd be in a dumpster!

>Then behind them roared 8 of the strongest dragons. Three Red-eyes
>Black Dragon and above it was the Red-eyes Supreme Dragon. On its other side roared
>his beast. Three Blue-eyes White Dragon and obove it in all his glory was the Blue-eyes
>Ultimate Dragon.

Kaiba: I notice I don't see the Five God Dragon.
Ramirez: Or the Wing God Dragon of Ra, or the Saint Dragon of Osiris.
Kaiba: The what?
Ramirez: (*staring at Kaiba incredulously*) You don't know what those are? You? You--
Ayu: (*kicks Ramirez*) No, he doesn't! He's not from a point in time when he does! Shut up!
Ianthe: Don't corrupt him!

>The monsters beauty mesmerized Kaiba then out of nowhere small white globes
>appeared before him. He hesitated but touched one but did so after a couyple of nods
>from the other monsters.

Ramirez: 'He hesitated but touched one but did so after a couple of nods from the other monsters'? What is that even supposed to mean?
Kaiba: (*peering at the fic*) 'He hesitated but touched one but did so...' I think 'but did so' needs to be extracted.
Lezard: Incidentally, excellent use of aprostrophes. Or lack of use, might I say.

>He touched one and its knowledge of the globe was absorbed in
>him. "Polymerization!" yelled Kaiba " What I saw in there was the effects of a
>Polymerization card." He yelled

Ianthe: (*snickers*) Imagine how this looks to the others... he's standing there, off in a daze, and he suddenly yells Polymerization....
Lezard: (*as Kaiba*) ..zzz..z.zzzz....zzzzzz....POLYMERIZATION!  ...(*snort*) Huh? Wha? Woah, sorry there, Pegasus, sort of drifted off into an acid flashback.
Faye: (*as Pegasus*) Hey, don't worry about it, I do the same all the time.

>" Yes each globe represents the knowledge of a spell or "magic card. We are the
>monsters in a deck. Even as we speak your deck is changing into the monsters and magic
>cards you save before you.

Ramirez: So, in other words, you're cheating.
Ayu: What do you think the heart of the cards is? 'I'm being thoroughly trouced by my opponent! The only thing I can do now is BELIEVE IN MY DECK AND THAT THE NEXT CARD I DRAW WILL MAGICALLY SAVE MY ASS! (*pantomimes drawing a card*) Bingo! Works every time! <3
Kaiba: I 'save' before me? I'm not saving any of those monsters. I might be seeing them, though.

>"will this help me save Mokuba?" asked Seto "Yes" said the magician "But, you
>must open your heart Master Kaiba. And with your new belief we will help you achieve
>your dream."

Faye: They're cheating for you!
Lezard: Heart of the cards, baby! Works every time!

>"What must I do?" he called " Believe Master." Said the the dark Magician "
>Believe in the Soul of the Cards. And open yourself to People. And and Believe."

Kaiba: How about....no.

>With that his world spun but he didn't fall. He saw one last figure before he felt his eyelids
>close. Tea Gardner!.
>"Hey Kaiba-Boy are sleeping or must I torture your brother to get your
>attention?" said Peguses losing his Patients.

Ianthe: He must not be a very good doctor, then.
Ayu: (*as Doctor Pegasus*) Clear! DAMN YOU, CLEAR!
Faye: (*as other Doctor*) Sir, it's no use. He's gone...
Ayu: (*as Doctor Pegasus*) NOOOO! Damn it, I was so close....

>Kaiba felt for his deck in his pocket. Feeling its mystical energy flowing through
>them. He pulled it out and put it on the deck zone. "Finally Kaiba's awake." Stated a
>cocky Peguses.

Ramirez: Shouldn't the plural for Pegasus be Pegasi rather than Peguses?
Kaiba: GAH. As if the world needs more than one.
Ianthe: They're misspelling it again...

>They quickly drew their seven cards and Peguses put his usual one magic
>one monster card play. In defense, of course. "
>"Hmm he didn't open his eyes yet. I wonder what's wrong with kaiba." Said
>Yugi. The others just shrugged.

Faye: He's still tripping.
Lezard: Kaiba, usually it's a bad idea to mix acid, pot, and crack cocaine.
Kaiba: Shut. Up.

>That's when kaiba opened his eyes. And what everyone expected were cold blue
>eyes they found in place were two golden glowing orbs. It radiated intense light that
>everyone felt.mostly Millenium wielders.

Ayu: Woo! I wield a period of a thousand years! Yeehaw!
Ianthe: What's up with the weird eyes? Did he just consume an energy field bigger than his head?
Ayu: (*laughs*) I guess he must have.
Kaiba: (*switches back and forth between staring at Ayu and at Ianthe*)

>" I put the Mystical elf in attack Mode and put a card face down on the field
>Pegesus. Now its your move." He shouted everyone gasped at the sight when
>everything was back to normal even Pegesus was visibly shaken.

Lezard: This fic seriously needs a spell checker and a grammar checker. He or she's ending sentences early and running on others.

>"Let's start this duel Pegesus so I can get my brother back... and turn you once
>more to the real Pegesus." He shouted

Ayu: "Your head looks like a very large carrot," said Pinky.
Kaiba: What?
Ayu: Just demonstrating what a proper quote sentence should look like.
Kaiba: Ah, I see.

>"What? What did Kaiba say? Di he say Real Pegesus? Hey, Yug whats h etalkin'about?"  asked Joey.

Lezard: ...Looks like stupidity is degenerative.
Ramirez: Not to mention cumulative.
Faye: (*as Pegasus*) I am the real Pegasus! Or at least I am now that I killed the old one and fed his bloody remains to puffin-dingos!
Ianthe: (*goes into a giggle-fit*)
Ayu: (*reaches and whacks Ianthe*) Stop that.
Ianthe: (*recovers, catches breath*) Sorry.

>"I don't know joey. But, I do know that Kaiba changed just there." Said Yugi

Kaiba: What was your first clue? Was it him just standing there blanking out, doing nothing? Maybe it was the glowing eyes.

>"No offense mate but I don't think a rocket scientist is needed to figure a that out"
>said bakura with a British accent.

Lezard: Bakura with a British accent? Is that anything like Jeannie with the light brown hair?
Ayu: Oh, no no no no. See, this is Bakura--(*pulls out picture of Bakura Ryou*)--he's Japanese! And this is Bakura with an English accent--(*pulls out another of the same picture of Ryou-chan*)--he's badly dubbed!
Ianthe: And this is Bakura under the influence of the Millennium Ring! (*pulls out picture of demonic Yami Bakura*) He wants to eat your soul! <3
Kaiba: (*stares*) Where did you get those?
Ayu: We have internet access here! <3
Faye: It's over. Let's go!
 

ENTRY SEQUENCE...IN REVERSE!
DOOR 6: Kaiba summons a Blue Eyes White Dragon, which uses its breath attack to blast down the steel doors.
DOOR 5: Vast double doors sealed with powerful magic. Lezard invokes a power word to get them open.
DOOR 4: A castle gate guarded by two lonely mooks. Faye uses her “feminine wiles” to get past ‘em.
DOOR 3: The entryway to an airship. Ramirez, tired of all this bullshit, Silver Eclipses it into six separate pieces.
DOOR 2: Boughs of trees blocking their way. Being a ranger, Ianthe manages to talk them into moving out the way.
DOOR 1: Vast, Victorian-style double doors inscribed with the English letters, “M E S S I A H”, going around in a circle. Ayu gets pissed and tells them to stop stealing her original ideas, and they hastily open at risk of a lawsuit.
 

[IN SoA]
Ramirez: That was a waste of time.
Kaiba: Agreed. And now we get harrassed by Hojo?
Ayu: Yeah, something like that. (*hits the combutton*)

[FROM LABS]
Hojo: Mmmph! Mmmhphhpmmphphhph!!! (*is bound and gagged*)

[IN SoA]
All: .... (*stare*)
Faye: What the crap?

[FROM LABS]
Cloud: (*enters into the range of the screen, and gives a slight and awkward wave*) Uh, hi.

[IN SoA]
Kaiba: (*surprised*) What's going on?

[FROM LABS]
Cloud: I've, well, overthrown Hojo.
Hojo: MMMMPHMMPHMMPPHHH!!!

[IN SoA]
Ayu: Cool! You do something right for once, Cloud! Will you send us all home, then?

[FROM LABS]
Cloud: No.

[IN SoA]
Lezard: May we ask why not?

[FROM LABS]
Cloud: I really don't like any of you. And those two (*points at Ayu and Ianthe*) make fun of me. YOU'RE the people who started the tree thing!

[IN SoA]
Ayu & Ianthe: (*burst out into snickers*)
Ayu: Actually, technically, it was Bluejay who started it...

[FROM LABS]
Cloud: (*glares*) I don't care!
Hojo: Mmphphmmpphphh!
Cloud: Oh, shut up, you. (*kicks Hojo out of sight*)

[IN SoA]
Faye: (*lighting up*) So... we're still trapped here, regardless of who's in charge.
Lezard: Looks that way. Guess we have no choice but to go have hot kinky sex, Faye.
Faye: NO.
Lezard: (*snaps fingers*) Damn.

[FROM LABS]
Cloud: So, anyway. What did you think of the fic?

[IN SoA]
Ayu: Even Bluejay, whose grammar and spelling are decidedly sub-par, thought that that fic's usage of said items was really terrible. That's saying quite a bit.

[FROM LABS]
Cloud: (*stares*) When did Bluejay--wait--what?

[IN SoA]
Ayu: Don't ask.
Ianthe: It happened in a temporal loop that was then cut off from the main time stream.

[FROM LABS]
Cloud: (*stares*) Right, then, so, moving along...

[IN SoA]
Faye: It had some of the worst punctuation I've ever seen.
Kaiba: Horrible characterization. I couldn't tell you how many times that fic version of me did things I'd never do. Such as refrain from insulting Jounouchi, or crying.
Ramirez: Speaking of which, tired drama. Kaiba cries a single tear! How trite.
Lezard: The rampant typos were amusing. The plot itself, well... (*shrugs*) That's another story.
Ayu: I'd like to add that, in spite of its popularity, I really don't like KaibaxAnzu/Téa fics. It can't be done without taking at least one of them horribly out of character.
Lezard: How do you explain your love of the yaoi, then? Wouldn't that have the same result?
Ayu: Oh, shut up, you Lolita necrophiliac.
Lezard: (*insulted*) Hey!!
Ayu: (*pokes Ianthe*)
Ianthe: ...Oh yeah. Comment. Uh, I think the author should use spell-check more often. That and a beta reader. I dunno. Maybe with proper characterization, and a very, very talented writer, that couple might work...
Kaiba: In other words, this author shouldn't even bother to keep trying.
Ianthe: (*sweats*) I didn't say that...
Ayu: Now that's mean.
Kaiba: I'm not known for my tendency of being sensitive to other people's feelings.
Ayu: (*snerks*) Can't argue with that.

[FROM LABS]
Cloud: ....So, that's it?

[IN SoA]
Ramirez: It seems that way.

[FROM LABS]
Cloud: ...Guess I'll just hit the button, then.

[IN SoA]
Ayu: See you later, tree-boy.
Kaiba: What's this 'tree' thing about, anyway?
Ayu: Well, you see...

[FROM LABS]
Cloud: (*growls and smacks the button*)
(*WHOOSH*)

------------------------------------------------------------

Ok: Disclaimer time!!
We do not own several of the characters used in the fic. (help?) . Faye and everyone else are owned by their respective owners. (Duh. o_o)
We also do not own the fic being riffed. It belongs to White Knight of Dark and Light. Since we did not ask first, let us know if you want us to take down the riffing. We're nice people (really!); we can work something out. Just be polite, and we will, too.
The whole concept of Mystery Science Theatre is copyright Best Brains, Inc.
We do, however, own ourselves. Do not use us without our permission.

>Stop thinking about her Seto Kaiba she just a gir.