Episode 113:  "Little Princess"
Written by: Bahamut
MSTed by:  Ianthe Fira Ar'ne ( and Ohseki Ayu (


In a yet undetermined time
I can't tell when it would be!
There were a bunch of people
Quite different from you and me!

None of them were from the same universe,
And normally they would never converse,
But circumstances being what they are,
Hojo stole them from their homes and sent them in the sky so far!

Everyone: GET...US...DOOOOWN!!!

(Hojo) I'll send them stupid fanfics,
The worst that I can find! (La la la!)
I'll make them sit and read them all
And experiment on their minds! (La la la!)

Now keep in mind they can't control
Where the fanfics begin or end. (La la la!)
They'll just have to try and retain their sanity
With the jokes that they make!

(*music stops*)
Hojo: That doesn't rhyme, you know...
Ayu: Shut up, ratboy!
(*music starts up again*)


Ianthe! ("Make...the hurting...stop!")
Lezard Valeth! ("Open the gates of Niflheim!")
Ramirez! ("DIE!")
Xelloss! ("Sore ha himitsu desu! <3")
Faaaaaaaaye! ("Men are such idiots.")

If you're wondering how they survive up there,
And other science facts, (La la la!)
Shut the hell up, we were really bored one day,
So you'd better try and relax!
'Cause it's Yet Another Bad MST3K Ripoff! (*guitar riff*)

[IN SoA]
(*on the bridge*)
Ianthe: (*curled up sleeping on table*)
Lezard: (*staring at her*) Why is she on the table?
Ayu: (*shrugs*) Wanna push her off?
Ramirez: No, don't push her off. Let's get a bunch of knives and place them strategically around her so that she'll cut herself if she moves--which she surely will when she wakes up.
Ayu: My, somebody's in a bad mood.
Ramirez: I'm not in a bad mood. I just don't like her
Faye: (*entering the bridge in nothing but a towel, blow-drying hair*) Who doesn't like who?
Ramirez: I don't like Ianthe.
Faye: Why don't you like her? She likes you..
Ramirez: She annoys me.
Ayu: Aww. You didn't go Riff-Raff.
Lezard: (*sweating a little, tries to change subject*).... Anyway..... hey, where's the demon? I haven't seen him around for a few days, now that I think of it..
Ayu: Uhh, let's see... I saw him a few days ago, and he was messing with the walls of the Satellite of Amore. I asked him what he was doing, so he said, "That is--", then I cut him off, saying, "A secret, right, right," and left. That's the last time I saw him.
Faye: You think he got assimilated into the Satellite?
Ramirez: Hmm...that seems unlikely...
Ianthe: (*snorts and suddenly wakes up*) Woah, what am I doing on the table? (*looks around*) Hey, where's Xelloss?
Xelloss: Right here! ^_^
Everyone Else: YAAA!! (*scream and jump back, all surprised by the sudden appearance of the Trickster Priest*) I-itsu no ma ni~~?!
Ianthe: Hi, Xelloss!! (*waves furiously*)
Xelloss: (*laughs in that cute way he does*) Hello, everyone! I bet you all were wondering at the lack of my presence for the past few days, weren't you? No? Well, the reason for my absence is, I found a way out of the Satellite! Unfortunately, the strain is so immense that if any of the rest of you attempted it, you'll all be obliterated immediately! It's a good thing I'm such a high-level Mazoku, or else I wouldn't be here at all! Isn't that funny? (*another congenial laugh*)
Lezard: (*dryly*) Ha ha.
Ayu: So why are you back here at all, Xelloss?
Xelloss: To gloat, of course! ^_^
Ramirez: So, out of curiosity, how did you get out?
Xelloss: Sore ha himitsu desu!
Ramirez: (*bares teeth and growls*)
Faye: I don't suppose you'd be willing to find a way out of here that will allow the rest of us to escape too, would you?
Xelloss: Why should I do that?
Ianthe: To be nice?
Everyone Else: (*laughs*)
Ayu: (*wipes away a tear*) Good one, I-chan!
Ramirez: (*on the floor*) Oh, god, the demon, be nice...
Ianthe: (*sweats*) Um..
Xelloss: (*smiling big*) Now that was a classic, Ianthe-san.
Ianthe: Er.
(*suddenly, the Red Button starts to flash*)
Ayu: Oh, hey, that reminds me, does Hojo know you can leave, Xelloss?
Xelloss: He's about to find out! If you'll excuse me... (*disappears*)
Lezard: That ratbastard. (*hits the button*)

Hojo: (*leering at the crew from the view screen*) Greetings, test--where's the demon?
Xelloss: (*appears behind Hojo and, with a huge smile, motions for them to be quiet*)

[ON SoA]
Ramirez: Er--he's off somewhere.
Lezard: Yeah...somewhere...
(*general shiftiness*)

Hojo: (*seems to accept this*) Anyway, I have another fic ready for you! Suffer! (*evil scientist laughter and such*)

[ON SoA]
Faye: Can I get dressed first? I just got out of the shower.
Lezard: No, stay like that. It's quite nice.

Hojo: (*leers at Faye*) Yes, you stay in that outfit.
Cloud: Uh, Hojo--
Hojo: Not now, failure! Press the button!
Cloud: But Hojo--
Hojo: (*impatiently*) The button!
Cloud: But--
Hojo: (*going into a frenzy*) Why can't you just press the button, failure?! Must I do everything myself?! Why can't I find any decent help?!?!
Xelloss: (*unable to contain himself any longer*) Can I press the button?
Hojo: Yes, please d--WOAH!! (*jumps back, seeing Xelloss for the first time*) What the hell are you doing here, demon?!
Xelloss: (*smiling broadly*) Sore ha himitsu de~~su! <3
Hojo: (*twitching violently*) GET BACK ON THE SATTELITE! NOW!
Xelloss: No way!
Hojo: (*desperate*) Cloud, do something!
Cloud: (*shrugs*) Okay. (*hits the button*)

DOOR 1: Huge double doors inscribed with kanji reading “Kyuu Sei Shu”. Ayu uses her divine Author powers to open them.
DOOR 2: An elven-style stone door a la the one to the Mines of Moria in LotR. Ianthe says “friend in Elvish”, causing it to grind open.
DOOR 3: A door inscribed with the six Moons of the Arcadia world. Ramirez uses the Silver Crystal in his left hand to trigger the power to open them.
DOOR 4: Prison bars. Faye uses one of her high-tech secret gadgets to pick the lock.
DOOR 5: A hideous door composed of decomposing bodies. Lezard uses his necromancy to get them to shuffle out of the way.
DOOR 6: Lacking a sixth person to open the final door, the five remaining riffers pool their powers together to open it with one ferocious move, a la the combos in SaGa Frontier, which is really cool-looking but too lengthy to describe here.

       [Fic/Theatre Screen]

[ Ianthe | Ayu | Lezard | Faye | Ramirez ]

>Little Princess
>Tereena- Here's MY Profile, as a heroine of Baldur's Gate!
>Bahamut- Oh no...

Ramirez: Truer words were never spoken.
Ianthe: Oh, gods... my world again.

>NAME-Tereena Tereenia

Faye: Someone's parents were lazy.

>Z.SIGN/BIRTHDAY/AGE- Cancer/June 14/19

Ayu: Actually... that'd make her a Gemini.
Ianthe: (*whimpers*)

>ALIGNMENT- Chaotic Good

Ianthe: Oh, lovely, she shares my alignment. (*sarcastic*) I feel so honored.

>BASE OF OPERATIONS- Tereenia Keep, Mobile, Council of the Dragoon
>SPECIES- Human (w/ Dragon abilities i.e. Enhanced Strength)
>WEAPON- Two-Handed Vorpal Silver Sword

Ianthe: (*twitches violently, takes a shot of 'something' and tries to calm down*)
Ayu: Ianthe, chill out.
Ianthe: (*spazzes*) WHAT DO YOU THINK I'M DOING?!!? (*takes another shot*)

>EYES: Her eyes are green, and seem to glow when angered.

Ayu: (*singing in creepy voice*) Estuans interis ira vehementes, estuans interis ira vehementes, Sephiroth! Sephiroth!!
Ramirez: Yeah, yeah, we get the point. Makou eyes and whatnot.

>During the now-disproved death of her friend, Bahamut (FFX),

Ianthe: (*having calmed down*) Bahamut died?
Ayu: He awoke from his dreaming. That's a bit different. Besides, what's Bahamut from Final Fantasy X doing in Faerun?
Ianthe: Damned if I know.

>her eyes were turned totally Emerald Green,

Ianthe: Well, actually, emeralds come in a number of different shades of green...
Ramirez: Silence, it's an archetype. The sky comes in several different shades of blue, but that doesn't stop anyone from using "sky blue".
Ianthe: (*whimpers*)

>and could light up a small room.

Faye: Great, she's a living light bulb.

>As soon as she found out Bahamut was still alive, the glows soon faded and instantly went to see him.

Lezard: The glow went to see him?
Ianthe: (*as glow, Gir voice*) Hi, Bahamut! Make me a sandwich?

>HAIR: Her hair is light Blonde, which is a rare color for a long-line of Brunettes.

Lezard: Twenty bucks says her mother had an affair.

>Her hair is always tied into a pony-tail in the center of the back of her head.
>FACE: A beautiful, unmarked face with a warm smile. But, depending who you are,
>the smile could easily change. If she isn't smiling, and looking at you, accept
>death, as your looking it in the face.

Ianthe: So if she isn't smiling or looking at you, you're dead?
Ayu: That's "isn't smiling" and "looking at you". They're supposed to be two different sections of the sentence, although the way they're set up, it becomes unclear. A better way to have put it would be "If she's looking at you and not smiling"; that makes it much more clear.
Ianthe: Oh, okay.

>BUILD: She is a fit, young girl who can easily benchpress 2000 pounds.

Everyone: (*in unison*) MUNCHKIN!!

>Her skin
>is unusually tough. Her build also allows her to easily slide through tight
>areas, easily move through tight Blade Grids, without touching a single blade.

Faye: Hey, it's Gumby!
Ramirez: Gumby?
Faye: How else could she move through that tight an area without ever getting touched?
Ramirez: I guess...

>ATTIRE: She wears standard silk or leather. She rarely ever wears a dress, and
>if she is told to wear one by her mother, she'll often burn the dress. However,
>if her father said to wear a dress, she would, without any objections.

Faye: (*snorts*) Electra complex. Although, I suppose it's better than the necromancer's Lolita complex.
Lezard: Hey! I don't have a Lolita complex! Those young girl homunculi are still growing up!
Faye: (*dryly*) Tell it to the police, Valeth.

>During her travels, she would wear Mithril Chain Mail, with the Tereenian Code of Arms
>in the center of the chest. She wears two Necklaces; The Crystal Pendant

Everyone But Ramirez: (*turn to stare at Ramirez*)
Ramirez: (*sulking in his chair*) That thing is always going to haunt me, isn't it?
Ayu: Wonder if Sique knows that Tereena stole her necklace.
Ianthe: She doesn't need it! She's dead!
All: Huzzah!!

>that her father gave her, and the Gem that Bahamut gave her, letting her know she is
>always welcome to their realm should they ever be allowed there..

Ayu: "Their" realm? Where is the "they" in Bahamut?
Faye: His wife Tiamat and their race of kids?
Ianthe: Oh, Gods.

>PERSONALITY- Tereena is a kind girl, who would give her life to save others.
>Mostly her father and dragons, however. She will quickly become friends to those
>who are like her, and be hostile to those who aren't.

Ayu: Gee, I wonder what she does to people who don't have the same opinion as her...
Lezard: I bet she's amazing in debates. "You don't agree with me?! I crush you like bug, puny mortal!!"

>To see a dragon die in front of her would put her into a berserker rage, attacking, and most likely
>destroying anything in her path, until the dragon-murderers are dead.

Ayu: How often does one see a dragon killed in front of oneself? Dragons are pretty damn tough.
Ianthe: I know, because I've been eaten by one!
Faye: (*GIR voice*) She was eaten by dragons!
Girls: (*laughing their asses off*)
Lezard&Ramirez: (*staring at each other, shrugging helplessly*)

>Seeing a dragon harmed will cause her to try to save them, regardless of what happens to
>her life.

Ianthe: Uhh.. what if it's like an ancient Red Wyrm? Would she still try to save its life as it tries to kill and/or eat her? Not all dragons are friendly, much less good.
Ayu: I'd love to see her star in Reign of Fire. She'd be dead within the first ten minutes.

>But if it were to cost the dragon's life, she would stay back,
>controlling her anger as much as she could. This saved the Dragon Eggs during
>her quest through the Drow City, Ust Natha.
>LIKES- Her Father, Adventure, Swords,

Ianthe: (*as Fighter*) I like swords.

>Dragons, Guardians, Jack Nief*, Ganderian
>Zalaman*, Bahamut.
>DISLIKES-Her Mother, Drow, Dragon Hunters, Baleng* All but one of the scientists
>in the DSRC**, Damien*.
>*Other characters in an RPG I'm still currently working on, be it on RPG Maker
>PS2 or PSX.
>**Deep Sea Research Center

Ayu: The Deep Sea Research Center is from FFVIII, not FFX or Faerun... It's the place where you get Bahamut in VIII...
Ianthe: Probably why she doesn't like it, then, although what it's doing in Faerun is beyond me.

>Princess Tereena was born to a loving Father, King Tereno,

Ianthe: Heeeeey. What country is she the princess of?
Ramirez: A conveniently unmentioned one.

>but a stingy mother, Queen Tereen.

Ayu: "Stingy" reads as "responsible".

>Through her young age, she'd sit on the ledge outside her window,
>looking at the mountains. Her mother told her to come back inside, while her
>father asked that they create a balcony for the princess. Though against the
>idea, Tereen agreed.

Lezard: Against the idea? Why would she be against it? It's better than letting your kid sit on the ledge and possibly fall off.

>Tereena liked the new Balcony, always sitting on the edge,
>and swinging her legs, wanting to explore all she saw.
>During her late childhood years, she would play in the trees, leaping from one
>branch to another. She played with a Dragon, which she called "Pookie".

Faye: "Pookie"? Who names a dragon "Pookie"?
Ayu: Teddy bears I can see being called "Pookie", but I'd think dragons would try to chomp whomever tried to saddle them with such a humiliating name.

>One day, when swinging from the branches, the branch snapped, and fell to the ground, and
>she along with it. She cut her arm open on one of the rocks. Now bleeding and
>unconscious, she would have died.

All: DIE! DIE! DIE!!

>Pookie, however, intervined by using his own Perminent Magic

Lezard: There is no "I" in "permanent".
Ramirez: There is a "me" in "team", though.

>called simply, Dragon.

Faye: Thrill at the wondrous and original names!

>Her wound quickly healed, and she woke
>up, not feeling any pain, whatsoever. She ran home to tell her father that she
>had cut her arm open, and that is soon after disappeared.

Lezard: "And that is soon after disappeared"? I think she's missing a word.
Ianthe: (*as Tereena*) Daddy, daddy, I sliced my arm open!
Faye: (*as Tereen*) Dear, don't lie. Everytime you lie, God kills a kitten.
Ayu: Please, think of the kittens.
Girls: (*bust out laughing again*)
Lezard&Ramirez: ......Help?

>On her way home, she tripped over a log, and would have landed on her neck,

Ianthe: Wow, the universe is out to get her.
Ramirez: As well it should. Kill her before she can reach her full annoying potential!

>had she not thrown her
>hands out in front of herself, and spring 7 feet into the air, landing perfectly
>on her feet. She looked at her hands, and saw a thorn, and as she pulled it out,
>she felt nothing, and there was no wound.
>She had a feeling these new strengths would be useful.

Ianthe: (*hopeless gesticulating*)
Ayu: Ah, ironic understatement. Usually one of my favorite literary tools, but in this case, it's just annoying.

>During her young Teen years, she would experiment with her new strengths by
>hand-walking on the 2nd Floor railing, Backflipping from her balcony and
>grabbing the ledge, and hand-wrestling the strongest Barbarians.

Ianthe: (*squees*) It hurts...
Ramirez: (*mutters*) Grow a spine...

>On her 16th Birthday, her father got her a LARGE, Two-Handed Sword.

Lezard: As a metaphor for something else.
Girls: Ewww! (*all hit him in unison, Ianthe leaning over Ayu to reach*)

>Her mother was shocked

Lezard: Heh. She should be. (*snickers*)
Faye: (*sharply elbows his head*) Ass.

>and locked the sword in the storage room. Liking her new toy, which
>was a major differ from Dolls and Music Boxes,

Ayu: I like music boxes...although they don't really make good toys.
Ianthe: I like plushies.

>she walked over to the door and
>kicked it in, and grabbed her sword. Finding attacking sand- filled dummies
>boring, she went out to adventure her Father's land.

Faye: Yep, most nobility just let their only heir go wander by themselves.
Lezard: Think of it as artifical selection. She was obviously unfit to live.
Faye: (*shrugs wordlessly*)

>This sword proved useful in some of her adventures. During her adventure to find
>the Beholder and Marlboro duo,

Faye: Marlboro? She's fighting a brand of cigarette?
Ayu: No, it's a noxious monster in the Final Fantasies. But not in Faerun, so I don't know what the hell they're doing here.

>they would have ganged up on her, had she not
>thrown her sword at a large net full of sand bags, which fell onto the Beholder,

Ramirez: ...Wait, what? What was a net full of sand bags doing above the beholder?
Ayu: Shut up, it's a plot device.
Ramirez: Not a very good one!

>allowing her to take on just the Marlboro with little trouble. She also used it
>when taking on an evil Master swordman.

Ianthe: Elaith Craulnober? I hope not.... 0_o;;
Lezard: What, the sword or the sand bags? These evil-types need to stop standing under conveniently placed's just bad practice.

>After her Championship Arm-Wrestling tournament, she gave her winnings to the
>church of Waukeen.

Ianthe: Trust me, they don't need it. Waukeen is the goddess of merchants.
Ayu: Wasn't she missing?
Ianthe: She's back now. Besides, her church wasn't too bad off when she was missing.

>On her way home, it was dark, and it began to rain. Taking
>the Shortcut through the woods, she saw something that shocked and almost made
>her scream...five Drow, Dark Elves, killing a Silver Dragon by cutting out it's
>heart, and hiding it in a leather puch.

Faye: It's as easy as it sounds... whatever a 'puch' is.
Lezard: This is why dragons don't make their lairs in little clearings in the woods.

>She was so enraged by this act, that her vision soon turn a bright green, then a deep red.
>When she had her vision returned, she was standing in the center of four mutilated
>Drow, none of which had the heart.

Ayu: Why is that relevant? "If only I had its heart, I could have saved it?"
Ianthe: Just put it back, it'll be all right!

>She ran home, crying, wishing she could have saved the poor Dragon.

Ramirez: You were a bit late.

>When she opened the door to her father's castle, she was greeted with a frightened gasp. Her eyes were glowing...

Lezard: They assumed she was possessed and killed her. The end.

>She checked her boks for information on Dragons, and found the following entry:
>"Dragons are known to have attributes three to four times better than humans.

Lezard: Er, that's an understatement.

>They could easily smash in a door without a problem,

Ianthe: The bigger, older ones can smash in castles without any problems. What's your point?

>and can leap almost 8 feet straight up.

Ayu: No, I'm afraid it's far more than that, dear.

>They have a unique algility system which allows them to almost bend
>sideways. Their sking is very tough, allowing them to ignore rocks, thorns, etc.
>When angered or upset, their eyes will glow.

Ayu: Unfortunately, this doesn't help their typing skills.

>".................This hit her like a brick,

Lezard: Causing a massive brain hemmorhage and killing her three agony-filled days later.

>that she was changed from a human to a human with dragon-like abilities.
>"Cool..." she said.

Ayu: (*as Keanu Reeves*) Woah.

>On another one of her outings, she had found dragon hunters holding a small
>dragon by the neck, debating of how much it's scales would cost.

Lezard: Its, not it's. "It's" is a contraction of "it is"; "its" is the possessive of "it".

>She told them to let the dragon go. When they refused, she gave them a demonstration of what
>she'd do to them.

Ianthe: Lezard, don't say anything.
Lezard: What? I wasn't thinking anything perverted this time, I swear.
Ianthe: ...
Faye: (*rolls her eyes*) THIS time.

>She sheathed her sword on her back, and smashed a tree in
>half. For demo # 2, she chopped the tree into 26 different pieces before it even
>touched the ground. "End of Demo....

Ianthe: (*game voice*) If you want to see more, then you actually have to buy the game. Cheap-ass bastard.

>now if you don't want to have that done, you
>will release that dragon in under 20 seconds. And just by listening to me,
>you've wasted 12." She said. They hastily untied the small dragon, and ran away,

All: (*fake cheesy screaming*) Aaaauuugh...aaiiiiieeee...

>The dragon was her childhood friend, Pookie!

Ayu: My, that was convenient.
Ramirez: I believe the word is "contrived".

>Since he had no other place to go, she adopted him.
>She had gone on many adventures with her group which had consisted of Ganderian,
>Halamar Xainan, Jack, Doom Awianth, Hera Nightheart, BlackRose, and Thalan

Ayu: Hey, she's playing on The World?
Ianthe: What?
Ayu: She mentioned Blackrose!
Ianthe: ...I don't get it.
Ayu: Don't worry, you will once I show you .hack//SIGN.

>They had ventured through Baldur's Gate, discovering Jack had the
>blood of Bhaal running through his veins,

Ianthe: JACK? Okay, okay, it's cheap to make fun of his name. Sorry.

>and killed his Brother Sarevok.

Ianthe: (*as Jack*) Heya bro! I'd like to catch up and all, but I gotta kill you now. Sorry.
Faye: (*as Sarevok*) Aww, that's all right. What're brothers for?

>Not long after, Jack and his other party was captured. Tereena, Ganderian, Halamar,
>Hera, and Doom went to find Jack, and found him in Amn. He thanked his first
>party, dismissed them and allowed his friends to join him on his search for
>Imoen. After Jack had lost his Bhaalspawn essence.

Ayu: 'After Jack had lost his Bhaalspawn essence' what? That's a fragment sentence.

>Following his soul-stealer, "Irenicus", they were asked to retrieve Silver Dragon eggs by the silver Dragon,
>Adalon. They went to the Drow City, Ust Natha. Tereena was reminded of the first
>Dragon she had seen murdered by one of the drow,

Ianthe: You know, even if the drow are evil, spider-worshipping bastards, they're still cool in their own way.

>and it took her almost all her
>strength to keep herself from letting her Berserker rage go off, and her eyes
>from glowing with fury.

Lezard: You can't control berserker rages. Otherwise they wouldn't be berserker rages.
Ayu: Mary-Sue.
Lezard: Point taken.

>When a Drow, Solaufein, had discovered their true
>identity and their plans to save the Dragon eggs, he assisted by giving a pair
>of false eggs to give to Phaere, another Drow, who was going to use the real
>eggs in a ritual.

Lezard: Why's this Solaufein fellow helping them? In my experience, drow are pretty nasty characters who don't care about others if there isn't anything in it for themselves.
Ianthe: Solaufein's different. He's the rare 'good' drow. Long, long story.
Lezard: Hmm. You'll have to tell me about it later.
Ayu: (*scrutinizing Lezard*)
Lezard: (*noticing*) What?
Ayu: It's amazing, but...I do believe you said that without lecherous intent.
Lezard: (*affronted*) I'm not trying to get every girl in my pants, you know.
Others: (*bust out laughing*)

>Tereena used Phaere's False eggs to be used in a Drow Ceremony, and gave
>Solaufeins to Phaere.

Faye: What? I'm confused.
Ayu: (*looking at fic sideways*) I think it's trying to say that Tereena switched the real eggs for the false ones...
Faye: But didn't the good drow guy already do that?
Ayu: Um...I believe so... I'm not sure what's being said here.

>Phaere died during the ceremony, as did the Matron Mother.

Lezard: Oops. Guess they screwed up.
Ianthe: And how.

>Adalon was glad to know her eggs were safe, and allowed them surface access.
>After finding and killing Irenicus and Bhodi, Irenicus' sister,

Lezard: Hey, that's a nice Bhodi you got, baby.
Ianthe: It's Bohdi, actually. She's a crazy crazy vampire.
Lezard: Hey, even better! Everyone knows that vampires are sexy sluts!
Ayu: What about Brahm, the King of Vampires?
Lezard: ....On second thought, never mind.

>Jack and his Party had to face the Five, a group of Power hungry Bhaalspawn, and Melissan,
>Jack gave up his Bhaal Spawn Blood to lead a normal life.

Ramirez: What? Ianthe, is that allowed? It seems strange to me that someone could suddenly give up his or her demonic heritage and become fully human.
Ianthe: (*shrugs*) I'm no Elminster. Damned if I know.

>Tereena was glad to know this was all over, and joined the Council of the
>Dragoon, ready to aid any dragon in need.

Lezard: Bet they spend a lot of time sitting around doing nothing.
Ianthe: I'm pretty sure nothing like that exists in Faerun. Except the Cult of the Wyrm, but they're evil. And they serve evil dragons. They're mean.
Ramirez: Dragons are amazingly powerful and proud. Even if a dragon was in need, why would they accept a human's help? How, in such a situation, would a human be able to help?
Ayu: In a pinch, they make a tasty snack.

>Thalan had made a Timestream device that only he and Tereena could use.

Ramirez: Isn't that convenient.

>Traveling Foreward through time, she found Bahamut, the "Lord of Aeons" as he said.

Ianthe: Eh? FFX?
Ayu: Where'd that come from?
Ianthe: (*looks over past sentences*) That implies that FFX is the future state of my world, Toril...
Ayu: No. No! First of all, FFX takes place on the planet Spira. Second of all, NO!!
Ianthe: Yes, yes, stupid ignorant munchkin-Mary Sue.

>She acted as his Knight until Sin was defeated. She was in tears when she realized her new friend was going to be
>"sent" to the Farplane, while she was sent back through time to her own.

Ayu: (*in Bahamut-Aeon voice*) Back then, you were a crybaby, too. (*normal voice*) Or something like that.

>She did not realize that wouldn't be the last time they'd meet...

Ramirez: Next time, she'd be his lunch special.
Ianthe: (*giggles*)

>Crystal Pendant: An amulet bearing the Tereenian Code of Arms.

Lezard: Hey, it's that pendant again!
Ramirez: NO.

>Good Aligined Chars- Charisma +4
>Neutral Aligned Chars- Charisma +1
>Evil Aligned Chars- Charisma -10, Cursed
>Guardian Amulet: Given to Tereena by King of Guardians.To Tereena, It gives good
>stats. To anyone else, It gives better stats...

Faye: Why? What's the point? Does she want to get killed?

>provided you don't get killed by
>Bahamut and the other guardians, if you killed Tereena
>STR: +2
>DEX: +3
>CON: +2
>INT: +3
>WIS: +2
>CHA: +2

Everyone: Goddamn munchkin.

>All else:
>STR: +3
>DEX: +4
>CON: +3
>INT: +4
>WIS: +3
>CHA: +3

Ayu: God. Red Mage would be in near-orgasmic bliss by now.

>Bahamut, Shiva, and Ifrit will attack if Tereena has been killed and this amulet stolen.

Lezard: ... But what if you don't kill her and just steal the amulet?
Ramirez: But then you wouldn't get the pleasure of killing her.
Faye: I'd kill her and leave the amulet.
Ianthe: Heck, if you could kill munchkin-girl, you could probably beat her 'friends', too....
Ayu: Um, it's over.
Lezard: Already? That wasn't so bad.

DOOR 6: Lacking a sixth person to open the door, the five remaining riffers pool their powers together to open it with one ferocious move, a la the combos in SaGa Frontier, which is really cool-looking but too lengthy to describe here.
DOOR 5: Vast double doors sealed with powerful magic. Lezard invokes a power word to get them open.
DOOR 4: A castle gate guarded by two lonely mooks. Faye uses her “feminine wiles” to get past ‘em.
DOOR 3: The entryway to an airship. Ramirez, tired of all this bullshit, Silver Eclipses it into six separate pieces.
DOOR 2: Boughs of trees blocking their way. Being a ranger, Ianthe manages to talk them into moving out the way.
DOOR 1: Vast, Victorian-style double doors inscribed with the English letters, “M E S S I A H”, going around in a circle. Ayu gets pissed and tells them to stop stealing her original ideas, and they hastily open at risk of a lawsuit.

(*back on the main deck of the SoA*)
Ayu: Well, do you think we'll see Hojo at all?
Faye: (*shrugs*) Maybe he'll be too busy dealing with Xelloss. In any case, I'm changing. (*leaves to change*)
Lezard: No, don't! You look good that way!
Faye: (*shouts a muffled obscenity back from the other room*)
Lezard: (*shouts*) You'd look even better with that towel crumpled in a ball at the foot of my bed!
Ayu: Lezard, I suggest you quit that now.
Lezard: Bah, what's she going to do? I'm already dead and I can be immaterial at will.
Ayu: (*shrugs*)
(*after a few minutes of strained silence, Faye re-enters, fully clothed, giving Lezard a nasty look*)
Lezard: (*smiles/leers in return*)
Faye: (*gives him the finger as she reaches into the fridge for a beer*)
Lezard: Anytime, my dear, anytime.
Ayu: Shut up already, and let's get this over with.
Ianthe: But Hojo's not here. Maybe Xelloss is killing him?
Ayu: Yeah, by annoying to death, I imagine.
(*the comlight blinks on*)
Ianthe: Nine Hells!
Ramirez: Oh, just hit the accursed thing.
Lezard: (*shrugs, hits the light*)

Hojo: (*appears, looking none too pleased*)
Xelloss: (*floating in the background, waving happily*) Hii!

[IN SoA]
Ianthe: (*waves back*) Hi, Xelloss!
Ramirez: Don't wave to him, he abandoned us!
Ianthe: ...But...

Hojo: Oh just shut up! Your thoughts, lab rats?!

[IN SoA]
Ianthe: Um... You can't do those kind of things in Faerun! ...Well, at least not that I've heard of...
Ayu: What's with the name Tereena? It would have been much simpler for her to call herself Mary Sue.
Ianthe: You mean Munchkin.
Lezard: The girl has an infatuation with dragons. The sad part about that is that she seems woefully unaware of what they are capable of, to the degree where she thinks she can protect them. I'd like to see her meet Bloodbane.
Ramirez: I don't know anything about that world, but one person should not be allowed the power to control beasts of immense power from entirely different worlds. Moreover, no matter how you look at it, being part dragon is just odd.
Ianthe: Especially if it happens because a mini-dragon saved you with (*finger quote marks*) Dragon Magic.
Lezard: What the hell is "dragon magic", anyway?
Ayu: A plot device. Shut up.
Ianthe: Um, Faye? Your thoughts?
Faye: I dunno, the crystal pendant thing was sort of amusing.
Ramirez: I hate you.
Faye: But still, there's kind of a big difference between a profile for a character and a story. Even I know that. The author really shouldn't mix them up.
Ayu: It's like reading a character sheet. A really bad, DM's nightmare kind of character sheet.

Hojo: (*scowls*) So even that wasn't enough?! What will it take to bring you six--
Xelloss: Five!
Hojo: SHUT UP!--five to your knees?!

[IN SoA]
Ianthe: Probably a fic involving zombie porn. Barring that, Gollum slash.

Hojo: Duly noted.

[IN SoA]
Ianthe: (*wails*) I didn't meeeeeeeaaaan it!!

Hojo: Until next time, specimens! Mwahahahahaha!! Cloud, the button!
Cloud: (*goes to hit it, but Xelloss teleports to it before he can walk to it*)
Xelloss: Oooh, me, me, me, me!
Cloud: Uh, okay...
Xelloss: (*waving cheerfully goodbye to the Satelliters*) Bai-bai!

[IN SoA]
Lezard: Bite me.

Xelloss: (*presses the button*)


Ok: Disclaimer time!!
We do not own several of the characters used in the fic. All Baldur's Gate characters (that are not original) and references belong to Black Isle/Interplay, and any/all Forgotten Realms stuff belongs to WotC/TSR. Faye and everyone else are owned by their respective owners.
We also do not own the fic being riffed. It belongs to Bahamut. Since we did not ask first, let us know if you want us to take down the riffing. We're nice people (really!); we can work something out. Just be polite, and we will, too.
The whole concept of Mystery Science Theatre is copyright Best Brains, Inc.
We do, however, own ourselves. Do not use us without our permission.

>Traveling Foreward through time, she found Bahamut, the "Lord of Aeons" as he said.