In a yet undetermined time
I can't tell when it would be!
There were a bunch of people
Quite different from you and me!
None of them were from the same universe,
And normally they would never converse,
But circumstances being what they are,
Hojo stole them from their homes and sent them in the sky so far!
(Hojo) I'll send them stupid fanfics,
The worst that I can find! (La la la!)
I'll make them sit and read them all
And experiment on their minds! (La la la!)
Now keep in mind they can't control
Where the fanfics begin or end. (La la la!)
They'll just have to try and retain their sanity
With the jokes that they make!
Hojo: That doesn't rhyme, you know...
Ayu: Shut up, ratboy!
(*music starts up again*)
RIFFER ROLL CALL!
Ianthe! ("Make...the hurting...stop!")
Lezard Valeth! ("Open the gates of Niflheim!")
Faaaaaaaaye! ("Men are such idiots.")
If you're wondering how they survive up there,
And other science facts, (La la la!)
Shut the hell up, we were really bored one day,
So you'd better try and relax!
'Cause it's Yet Another Bad MST3K Ripoff! (*guitar riff*)
(*another fine "day" about the Satellite of Amore, the remaining five riffers are arguing amongst themselves*)
Ayu: I really don't feel like putting up with Hojo's shit anymore! Let's just ignore him once and for all!
Ramirez: I have to agree with her. Now that he knows that Xelloss has escaped, he'll probably assume that we've found or are in the process of finding ways of escaping ourselves. There's no need to submit to his insanity any longer!
Faye: Normally, I'd agree with you, but you've totally forgotten two things: one, we're in orbit around the planet, and two, he controls our air!
Lezard: Not to mention that it's extremely dangerous to assume things. It's possible that, in response to Xelloss' escape, Hojo will decide to increase security, making any possibility of the rest of us escaping nonexistent.
Ianthe: (*watching the two groups duke it out verbally*) I find it amazing that Faye and Lezard usually end up as a couple, just like Ayu and Ramirez do and Xelloss and I did.
Ayu: Ianthe, if you don't have anything useful to add to the argument, then shut up!
Ianthe: (*pouts*) Ayu, you're mean!
Ayu: You're damn right about that.
Ianthe: But you never used to be this mean to me! I think Ramirez is a bad influence on you.
Ramirez: Excuse me? I'm a bad influence on her? She's far more psychotic than I could ever hope to be!
Faye&Lezard: Uh oh. (*dive for cover*)
Ayu: (*shrugs*) This is mostly true. There are things Ramirez has done that I wouldn't do, though.
Ramirez: Such as?
Ayu: Such as burn down cities unnecessarily.
Ramirez: Hmph. Touché.
Ianthe: Then again, there's always the Sephiroth Clause: "Mass genocide is excusable as long as you're cool enough." Say, anyway, why are you guys arguing about this?
Ayu: The communication button started flashing a couple hours ago, and we've been trying to decide whether or not to hit it since.
Faye: Ianthe, just go ahead and hit the goddamn button!
Ramirez: NO!! Ignore her!
Ianthe: Well, you almost killed me, so I'm going to do what Faye says. (*hits the com button*)
Ramirez: DAMN YOU!!
Hojo: (*EXTREMELY pissy*) What in the blazes have you five been doing up there?! I've been waiting for two and a half hours!! If you hadn't opened transmissions just now, my new sponsor would have left and closed the deal we'd made for good!!
Ramirez: See? You shouldn't have hit the button, Ianthe!
Ianthe: Aww...I'm sorry, Rami.
Ramirez: Don't call me Rami.
Cloud: Hojo, you should probably do something to keep them from starting up another argument.
Hojo: Silence, failure! I will do as I see fit!
Cloud: (*twitches, glaring at the mad scientist*) *mutters* Crazy old coot, can't do anything right on his own...
Hojo: WHAT WAS THAT?!
Cloud: Nothing, nothing. (*mutters*) Nutsack.
Mysterious Voice: Hojo, do be so kind as to bring your captives back to order so that we may continue with our agreement.
Hojo: Yes, yes, of course... Cloud, hit the yellow button!
Cloud: Yeah, yeah...
All: NO!! NOT THAT BUTTON!!
Cloud: (*pushes the yellow button*)
(*ceiling opens up and several small yellow electic mice fall out*)
Small Yellow Electric Mice: Biga?
Small Yellow Electric Mice: Bigajuu!
Hojo: (*laughing manically*) If you want me to call them off, you'll all have to swear you'll behave!
Small Yellow Electric Mice: Jaa! Bi, bigabigajuu, bibiga bigajuu!
Riffers: ANYTHING, JUST GET RID OF THEM!!
Hojo: (*more evil laughter*) Cloud, the black button!
Cloud: Can't we torment them a little longer?
Hojo: As much as I'd like to, today, we have business. There will be more opportunities for torture when the next fic is sent, which you know will be very soon!
Cloud: Oh, all right. (*hits a black button*)
(*suddenly, the Satellite move violently, throwing everyone to the floor, and the area itself begins to snag the Bigajuus and absorb them into it, until down to the last mouse they're all gone*)
Ramirez: (*clinging to Ayu*) Are they all gone yet?
Ayu: Er...no! Cling a little tighter, dear...
Ramirez: (*notices what he's doing and lets go immediately, scrambling away, blushing*) .......
Lezard: I've been permanently scarred...Faye, heal me?
Faye: Get OFF of my chest, you lecher!! (*punches him on the head*)
Ianthe: (*death grip on the refridgerator, wings curled up against her back*) *whimper* Are they gone?
Ayu: Yeah, they're all gone. I guess the Satellite "ate" 'em. But weren't they PikaMMPH!!
Lezard: (*holding a hand over Ayu's mouth, hissing*) Quiet! They were Bigajuu's! Or do you want us to get sued?!
Hojo: In any case, ever since that pesky demon escaped, I was thinking--
Faye: There's a shocker.
Hojo: SILENCE!! I was thinking, and I came to the conclusion that it's best after all that the Mazoku left. After all, he showed absolutely no sign of change, and he was most annoying! So, I've decided to leave him be and import a brand-new riffer! Cloud, tell them the details.
Cloud: Why should I?
Hojo: Because I say so! Now do it, or your big-breasted friend will suffer the consequences!!
Cloud: ....Right. Anyway, Hojo decided to find someone new, and while looking up various dimensions, he found this guy who was willing to cut a deal with him--this guy would send over a captive of his own for Hojo to experiment on, and in exchange, Hojo would give him access to all the technology he possesses.
Ayu: He's not very smart, then. Screwing with Jenova is just generally a bad idea. So? Who is this guy?
Hojo: If you would introduce yourself?
Mysterious Voice: But of course. (*steps in view; it's a young man with shoulder-length silver hair covering his left eye wearing a red jacket and slacks, smirking*) Greetings, all of you aboard the Satellite of Amore! My name is Pegasus J. Crawford.
Ayu&Ianthe: (*having started hyperventilating as soon as Pegasus came into view*) WHAT?!?!
Faye: Who's Pegasus J. Crawford?
Ayu: (*on floor*) He's the president of Industrial Illusions and the creator of duel monsters!
Ramirez: (*interest piqued*) Oh, really?
Ayu: No, not really. He didn't make duel monsters, he just re-discovered it, syndicated it, and took the credit for it.
Pegasus: Hey! Nobody asked your opinion!
Ayu: It's not my opinion. It's a fact. In any case, why'd you join up with Hojo, Pegasus? Have you gone completely insane, or is Kaiba Corp. just not good enough anymore? I guess not, since you probably couldn't beat Yuugi in order to get it.
Pegasus: I'm beginning to see why you began this experiment, Professor.
Hojo: They're a wild bunch, but I will break them.
Cloud: (*mutters*) If you haven't done it by now, what makes you think you will in the future?
Hojo: What was that, failure?!
Cloud: Nothing, nothing. Aren't you going to send in the replacement riffer?
Hojo: Ah, yes, the new guinea pig! Mr. Crawford, if you'd bring him to that pod over there? (*points off screen*) Once you've prepared him, we will send him up to the Satellite of Amore, and then you will have any and all technology here that you desire!
Pegasus: (*evil smile*) Very much appreciated, Prof. Hojo. If you'll excuse me... (*moves off-screen*)
Ramirez: So who's replacing the Mazoku?
Ayu: Uhh...not sure. All we know is that it's a guy...technically, since this is Pegasus we're talking about, the possibilities are fairly large... He has mad skills, and could probably imprison anyone he wanted to.
Ianthe: He hacked into Kaiba's computer mainframe without using a computer, or a phone, or a terminal, or any such equipment at all!
Faye: 0_o;; How the hell did he do that?!
Ayu: Like I said, mad skills.
Hojo: (*calling over to Pegasus*) All ready, Mr. Crawford? (*turns to Cloud*) Cloud! Prepare the matter transfer system!!
Cloud: Yeah, I hear you. (*starts typing*)
Lezard: When did Hojo get a matter transfer system?
Hojo: I invented it a long time ago! Besides, how else do you think I got Bluejay and Kuja up there?
Lezard: Hmm, you have a point. I never really thought about it before.
Faye: Hey, whoever-it-is is phasing in right now.
"Whoever-It-Is": (*appears in a shower of white sparklies; he's tall, roughly 5'10", wears a dark purple shirt and dark slacks with a navy blue jacket/trenchcoat, and has short brown hair and blue eyes*) *looking around wildly* Where the hell am I?!
Ayu: KAIBA!! <3 (*glomps him immediately*) KaibaKaibaKaibaKaiba.... <3
Kaiba: Hey, get off! Who the hell are you?! What the hell is going on?!
Pegasus: (*laughs*) Ahh, Kaiba-boy, it seems you're adjusting well to your new home. I returned your soul to your body, but only because I no longer have any need for either of them. Of course, your brother's soul is still in my possession... (*flips up Mokuba's soul card*)
Kaiba: (*eyes light up furiously, and he rushes over to the vid station, despite that Ayu is still hanging from his midsection*) Pegasus!! I don't know how you got me here, but I swear I will find a way out, and when I do, rest assured, your head will be mine!!
Pegasus: (*smirking, completely amused*) You'll find a way out? How can you, when you're in a satellite orbiting a different world?
Kaiba: I--wait, what?
Pegasus: (*laughs*) Ah, how simple you are, Kaiba-boy... I'll explain it in terms that even you can understand.
Kaiba: Don't talk down to me, Pegasus. My I.Q. is more than twice yours.
Pegasus: Perhaps, but when it comes to these matters, you know only two things: "little" and "nothing". You see, there are worlds other than our own, and in special circumstances, these worlds can come in contact with each other. Of course, it takes very special abilities to cross the bridge between worlds, but as I'm sure you know, I have such special abilities in spades. In any case, I made an agreement with Prof. Hojo here; in exchange for giving you to him as an experiment subject, he would give me access to his technology. A fair trade, wouldn't you agree?
Kaiba: (*considerably pissed*) So you sold me off to be somebody's lab rat?!
Faye: That's the long and short of it.
Lezard: Welcome to hell, kid.
Ayu: KaibaKaibaKaibaKaibaKaibaKaibaKaiba.... <3 <3
Hojo: Exactly right! And what fortuitous timing--I have a fanfic waiting to be read and reviewed! Cloud, begin preparations for sending!
Cloud: Yeah, yeah...
Kaiba: (*a little taken aback*) "Fanfic"? What's the nature of this experiment? And you, would you let go of me?!
Ayu: Oh, right, quick introductions. Everyone, this is Kaiba Seto, or just Kaiba. (*indicates Kaiba*)
Everyone Else: Hi, Kaiba.
Kaiba: (*staring at Ayu*) How do you know my name? Who are you?
Ayu: My name's Ohseki Ayu. (*pointing to the respective people as she states their names*) This is Ianthe Fira Ar'ne, Lezard Valeth, Faye Valentine, and Ramirez. What's going on here is that Hojo sends us bad fanfics, and we have to read them. Basically, we get through it by making fun it of and tearing it apart. You'll catch on soon.
Kaiba: (*stares at her some more, then stares at the com screen questioningly*) This is your idea of torture, Pegasus?
Pegasus: (*evil chuckle*) Wait until you read it. Then you'll understand. I'm sure even Mokuba would prefer to have his soul in bondage then join you in hell.
Kaiba: (*eyes narrow*) That's where you're completely wrong, Pegasus! You--
(*suddenly, the alarms and klaxons go off*)
Faye: WE GOT FANFIC SIIIIIIGN!!
Kaiba: What? Now what's going on?
Ianthe: Hojo just sent us another bad fanfic. Just follow us!
DOOR 1: Huge double doors inscribed with kanji reading “Kyuu Sei Shu”. Ayu uses her divine Author powers to open them.
DOOR 2: An elven-style stone door a la the one to the Mines of Moria in LotR. Ianthe says “friend in Elvish”, causing it to grind open.
DOOR 3: A door inscribed with the six Moons of the Arcadia world. Ramirez uses the Silver Crystal in his left hand to trigger the power to open them.
DOOR 4: Prison bars. Faye uses one of her high-tech secret gadgets to pick the lock.
DOOR 5: A hideous door composed of decomposing bodies. Lezard uses his necromancy to get them to shuffle out of the way.
DOOR 6: A large metal door with a high-tech lock. Kaiba approaches it, and it scans his retinas before confirming his identity and sliding open.
[ Lezard | Faye | Ramirez | Ayu | Kaiba | Ianthe ]
>" Reunite...the sun is frowning."
Ianthe: (*singing*) Mr. Sun, Sun, Mr. Golden Sun, please frown down on meeeeeee.....
>Claire woke with a start, panting.
Ayu: (*as Claire*) Awww yeah. Nothing like dream sex. (*pantomimes taking a drag off of a cigarette*)
>"That dream, the sun." She sighed and fell back on her bed.
>Claire couldn't understand this dream, no matter how much she
>tried. She was the type who had to know everything,
Kaiba: ...Then one day, Claire had a little run-in with the FBI...
>so this was really annoying.
Kaiba: And so was she.
>Claire brushed her short purple hair, and put it into it's normal braided
>She put on her uniform, and walked out into the hall, where her lunch was waiting for her.
Faye: 0_o "Waiting" for her? That implies that it's still alive...
Ianthe: Maybe she's a master sushi shef.
Ayu: All considering, she probably is.
>Earlier, she had a dream of a girl similar to her in her small/med size, but with a certain dignity that Claire did not have.
Ramirez: Because, unlike Claire, she didn't get involved in bad fics.
>This girl had sparkling red hair, and she seemed to plead with her
>"Save us, reunite, the sun is frowning", she had said.
>But what did the girl in the golden fuku mean by this?
>Claire had many dreams, lots of them making no sense, but this one seemed different.
Faye: Then Claire thought she should leave off the acid.
Ayu: (*as Claire, pantomines dropping a tab*) Wooooooahhh.... the COLORS!
>BRING! The bell rang,and as usual, Serena was late. Serena walked into the door, and tripped.
Kaiba: Of course she tripped, if she walked into the door.
Ianthe: That's a little too clumsy, even for Usagi.
Ayu: Yes! USAGI! None of this dubbed Serena crap! There are very few Sailormoon fanfics based on the dub that are good.
>Everyone in the class snickered, as Mrs. Haruna growled.
Ayu: Um, that's Ms. Haruna. Or rather, Sakuraba-sensei. She's kinda not married, remember?
>"Serena", she said,"Get your lazy-good-for-nothing behind in your chair!".
>Serena, sat on the floor, and looked at Mrs. Haruna, and her eyes began to water.
>Her lower lip trembled, and everyone groaned as she began to sob.
Faye: (*as random student*) Aw geez, she's doing it again...
>"M-r-s, H-Har-u-na! I-m sor-r-y!" Mrs. Haruna rolled her eyes and
>looked at Serena with disgust. "Well, get up then." Serena sat in
>her seat, and her cheeks burned. Serena slunked.
Ayu: (*ala the Grinch*) SLUNK!
>"Why do you do these things? Your not a baby any more..you've got to
>start controlling your actions. It's your own fault the school thinks your a moron",
>she thought to herself. Serena yawned, and decided to take a nap on her desk...
Faye: (*as Serena*) Yup, taking a nap makes me feel better all the time, especially after humiliating myself in class and getting bitched at by the teacher.
>Serena ran through the silken meadows, and she found it so wonderful
for the wind to
>run across her nude body. Then, Serena got the feeling someone was watching her.
>She slowly turned around, and found
Ayu: ...a host of drooling otaku clicking away with Polaroids and whacking
Ayu: That's what otaku do.
>a girl with a gold and silver fuku looking at her. "Princess", the
red haired girl said to her,
>" We will protect you." The girl frowned at Serena, and cried "Put on some clothes", before dashing off.
>"SERENA!", shouted Ma. Haruna, "Will you get up? It's lunch."
Faye: So Sakuraba-sensei just let Usagi sleep until lunch? Damn, my
teachers were never that nice.
Ayu: I guess Haruna-san figures that it's too much of a hassle to try to get her to pay attention. I always knew the Japanese were smarter than the Americans; they know when to just give up.
>Amy and Lita sat at a table, waiting for Serena.
>"I'll wear a really long flowing gown, and I'll carry some red roses", said a bubbly Lita.
Ianthe: Yup, that year was a good vintage!
Ayu: (*holding up an imaginary bottle*) Hmm. Year 1000, in the age of the Silver Millennium. Yup, definitely a good year.
>"No, I think Todd would like more of a new age modern look".
Faye: (*looks at Ayu*) Who the hell is Todd?
Ayu: (*shrugs helplessly*)
>Amy sighed. "I'm going to wait till I'm old enough to get married before I start worrying about it".
Ayu: So Ami-chan's going to wait until she's married to start dating?
Kaiba: (*frowns*) Awkward writing. Plus the subject of the conversation isn't really clear.
>Serena rushed over to the girls, and sat down with a big plop.
>"What a day", said Serena, as tears streamed down her cheeks.
>Lita looked at her crying, and looked away. It hurt her to see Serena so sad.
>"Serena, I'm sure it's not that horrible", said Amy, who was so involved in her book,
>she didn't notice Serena eating her donut until it was to late.
Ramirez: So she killed her.
>"This day can't be all bad." Suddenly, the sky turned black.
Ianthe: Who the hell is talking, anyway?
Ayu: It's not that bad. Sure, the grammar's horrible, and all the quotes are run together in a single paragraph when they're supposed to be paragraphs all on their own, and there are these wonderful non-sequiturs, but at least nothing's been misspelled.
Ramirez: Except "too", which she wrote as "to".
Ayu: (*looks again*) Why, so it is. I missed that one.
>Claire watched as a giant warphole in the sky opened.
>She put down her sketchpad and stared at the big hole.
>Everyone around her started to fret.
>"What's that? Do you think it's good?", said the snob of the school, Rosilyn.
>"No", said Claire,flatly.
Ramirez: (*voice dripping with sarcasm*) NOOOOO! The giant warphole from the sky is a GOOD sign! It means you're going to be whisked away into a magical land of roses and sunshine and princes on white horses!!
>Claire stared at the warphole as if in a trance.
>Rosilyn looked at her, and then looked back at her rosabes(Wannabe-Rosilyn),
>making a stupid trance face.
Ayu: What Rosilyn didn't realize that her "rosabes" hasn't even realized the warphole was there yet.
>But, all her rosabes were watching the warphole.
>Claire snapped out of her trance,climbed over Sakura High's fence, and
>began to run down the streets of Tokyo, towards Starlight Tower.
Ianthe: What the hell is the Starlight Tower?
Ayu: It's supposed to be the Tokyo Tower.
Ianthe: 0_o WTF!?!?
Ayu: Yes. DiC must die.
>Amy, Lita and Serena, along with everyone else at Juuban, stared at
>Suddenly, a dark, husky voice bellowed over the city.
>"Litok-7 Fighters...We Are Back. Reveal Yourselves Now, Or Your City Gets It!"
Ianthe: (*sarcasm dripping from her voice*) Oh, heavens, no, not the
Ayu: (*infomercial guy voice*) Yes, now your city TOO can get "it"! What is "it"? We don't know! But we do know that you need to buy it today! "IT"! $29.95 plus shipping and handling, may take up to 4-6 weeks to arrive, no COD's.
>Amy dropped her book on her toe, and was awakened.
Ianthe: You see, Ami sleeps standing up. Saves space.
Ayu: ^_^;; I wouldn't be surprised if she did...
>"Ow", she cried, before looking around her.
>Amy gave a puzzled look,to the warphole.
>She noticed a small, almost invisible light coming from....The Starlight Tower!
Ianthe: (*twitches violently*)
Ayu: TOKYO TOWER! You acknowledged that the city is Tokyo! Just frickin' call it Tokyo Tower!!
>Claire ran down the streets of Tokyo. What she saw here amazed her.
>The street was littered with people,
Lezard: (*old geezer voice*) Damn younguns, littering all over the place!
Why, in MY day, when we were done with people,
we put them in the proper disposal recepticles!
>all staring at the warphole.
Faye: It was playing a very flexible peep show.
>Claire finally reached her destination. "Why am I here?", she thought
>She closed her eyes, and she saw a image.
>There was the girl in the golden fuku, staring at her.
>As if all at once, everything flooded back to her.
>These dreams, those visions she had ever since a little girl now made perfect sense.
Ianthe: It wasn't her mind that was messed up! It was the rest
of the world!
Kaiba: I realized that years ago.
>Claire put up her hand. "Litok-7 Fighter Immortal Quok!".
All: What the FUCK!?!
Ianthe: "Quok"?! (*sniggers*) Quok! Quok! Quok! Quok!
Faye: Now this is just getting stupid. What the hell is a "quok", anyway?
Kaiba: Maybe she means "quark", which makes up protons and neutrons.
>Claire's uniform was instantly switched over to a red and Tan fuku.
Ianthe: If this is the dubbed version, then why is "Claire" calling
the sailor senshi uniform a "fuku"?
Faye: Ianthe? Don't think about the fic. You'll only hurt yourself.
>She pressed some buttons on her silver arm computer, and a light came
>out of the small blue jewel on it.There was a gust of smoke, and a naturally
>small siamese stood on the pavement, stretching.
>"Oh, was it cramped in there", said the little cat in a small petite voice."
>What took you so long?" "Well ,I had to remember before I could rescue you, Spunky. .
Ayu: (*Rocko's Modern Life*) SPUNKYYYYYYY!! SPUNKYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!
>did you know there are other sailor scouts? Sailor Moon and her gang...
>I'm confident I don't remember Queen Serenity assigning any new security...
>Anyway, I think Princess Solaris is going to attack the city". "Oh, that's horrible.
Ianthe: ...the cat said, as if discussing the weather. Then she took a bath.
>We have to have the other Litok-7 fighters to help us...where are they?",
>Claire, now Sailor Quok, shrugged her shoulders, and Spunky sighed.
>"We will have to find them.. but first, to deal with this negascum."
Faye: Negascum. After all, this universe of ours is so good and
pure that no evil could possibly come from within in.
Lezard: Almighty Odin and the Heavens Above forbid.
>Amy ran down the street, and knowing that no one was paying attention
>she transformed. As she neared the Starlight Tower, she thought she could see another..sailor scout?
>How could this be?
Ayu: Well, first a young girl's star seed gains an eternal brilliance,
and in doing so, becomes a sailor crystal... Then Galaxia comes and takes
it away and laughs and the young girl dies. The end.
Kaiba: I wish.
Pegasus' Voice: Aww, is poor Kaiba-boy going insane from the hideous fanfic? Does he want me to let him out?
Kaiba: (*frigidly*) You wish.
>Sailor Mercury ran after the girl as fast as she could.
>When she reached the door, she stopped to take a breath, and started to run up the stairs.
Ianthe: WATCH!! As Sailormercury faces the trial...of the STAIRS!!!
Ayu: (*dramatically*) Bum bum buuuuum!!
>Princess Solaris looked out over the city, and laughed."Soon, I shall have those stupid Litok-7 Scouts!".
Ianthe: Princess Solaris...is there a Princess Shevat?
Lezard: Quiet, you. You and your Xenogears-obsessed mind...
>Princess Solaris had almond orange eyes, and flaming blonde hair that
went to her waist.
>She had vampire teeth, and two horns sticking out of her shoulders.
>Unlike everyone else in her kingdom, she was extremely beautiful.
Ayu: Because everyone knows vampires have incredible sex appeal.
Ianthe: Don't complain. At least she isn't being described as having horrible teeth and tons of waxy build-up and an annoying laugh...
>Princess Solaris was the daughter of the queen of the Solar Kingdom,
Ayu: Boooooring. That old plot's only been used ten billion times over.
Faye: (*throws popcorn at the fic, booing loudly*)
>and her mother now was able to take over with the defeat of Queen Beryl.
Ianthe: ....Take over what?
Ramirez: Horrible grammar.
>A long time ago, she had fought Queen Serenity's security,
>or the Litok-7 fighters from the Litok-7 galaxy, many times
Kaiba: If they're from another galaxy, why do they fight to defend our
Ayu: I guess Serenity "purified" them.
Ayu: The Sailormoon way of saying "brainwashed and enslaved".
>"It's just a matter of time before they show up...",she said,smiling.
>A crash came as the door of the tower was opened.
>"Hello, Sailor Quok", she said casually."Have you come to surrender?".
Lezard: ...Princess Solaris smirked, pulling out her elephant-hide whip
and throwing off her robes to reveal a black leather S&M Queen outfit,
not unlike Tira Misu...
Lezard: Damn straight.
>"Me", said Sailor Quok,"surrender? Why would I want to do that! We are going to cream you guys.."
Faye: "We" being you and your tapeworm?
Ianthe: Nahh, she's talking about the voices in her head. Don't you remember the little girl with the blonde hair?
>Princess Solaris laughed, and turned to face Sailor Quok.
>"Aren't we forgetting a little party of sorts?",said Princess Solaris.
>"I'm not forgetting", cried Sailor Quok,
>"But I'm also not forgetting that you didn't win". Princess Solaris cringed. "I challenge
>you...fight me!", said Princess Solaris. "Your wish is my command", said Sailor Quok.
All: (*hum the theme to I Dream Of Jeannie*)
>"Quok Digital Zap!". Sailor Quok pressed some buttons on her arm computer,
>and a blue light zoomed out of the computer and hit the Princess.
>The Princess yelped and fell backwards.
Ayu: Doesn't that rather imply that the attack was just colored light?
Faye: What did you expect? She's got Microsoft installed on that thing!
All: (*make the sign of the cross*)
>She got up and screamed "Sunshine Burn!".
>A large fire ball flew at Sailor Quok and hit, her, making her fall to the ground.
>Princess Solaris disappeared, so that only her voice could be heard. "You haven't seen the last of me!"
>Sailor Quok got up off the ground, And ran over to the control panels,
>just as Sailor Mercury made it up the stairs, panting....
Kaiba: My, Mercury is out of shape.
Ayu: Just how many stairs were there? Wasn't there an elevator she could have taken? Hell, she probably could've just jumped up there!
Faye: Anime Jump, GO!!
>"Why must you always leave so soon", said Queen Sudrake.
>"You can't be that impatient, my darling." Princess Solaris sat in
>her throne next to her mother. "I'm sorry, it's just I get so scared that she is going to hurt me..".
Ramirez: Worthless coward.
Ianthe: (*as Solaris*) Oh nooooo, I broke a naaaaiiil! WAAAAAAAH!!! Mommyyyyyyyyy!
Kaiba: PLEASE shut up. One is bad enough.
>"That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. She will never
>The Queen pressed a little switch on her chair,
>and a tv screen popped up. "Virginia, can you please come out here?".
>A door opened(note:this is a dimension door),
Ramirez: Thank you for the pointess aside, fanfic.
>and a very snaggly woman with white frizzled hair and snarled limbs came out.
Faye: Snarled limbs? What the hell is she, a tree?
>"It's Virgina, your magesty." "Good", said the Queen,"I wan't you to bring me your best trainee".
Ianthe: Wow, some new contraction we haven't heard of. "Wan't". What's
Ayu: It means, "I have shit for brains when it comes to grammar".
Ianthe: I thought as much.
>"Yes, your royal magesty", said Virgina, with a toothless grin. "Preston,
>Out of the door that Virgina came out of, stepped a tall, dark boy wearing a tuxedo
>with black and white stripes. He was very handsome.He had black hair and very
>blue eyes."Hello, my Queen",he said, with a slight australian accent.
The Girls: (*Australian accents*) Danger! Danger!!
Ayu: (*Australian accent*) He's gonna bleed out an' diiiie!
Ianthe: (*Australian accent*) Croikey!
Faye: (*Australian accent*) Oh yeah, this's really gonna piss 'im off!!
The Girls: (*laugh their heads off*)
The Boys: (*stare*)
Ramirez: Not involved. Not involved. Not involved...
Kaiba: You girls are going to break his brain one day.
Lezard: Considering how much he lets this get to him, Ramirez is probably the most fragile of all of us.
Ramirez: Kill you later...
>"And, my princess",he smiled at the princess, and kissed her hand,
much to the
>Queens dismay. "Now, Preston... you do have a plan, right?". Preston nodded his head,
>and stepped towards the door. "I shall have enough energy for you, my Prin,uh, I
>mean Queen.". The princess smiled , and her heart pounded as he left through the door.
Ianthe: (*as Jay*) Mmmbong.
>"So, your telling me your a sailor scout, but the queen didn't hire you?"
Faye: Hire? What the hell? Sailor Senshi are mercenaries, now?
>,said Spunky, as Quok fiddled with the controls. "Yes", said Sailor
>Sailor Quok pushed a final button, and the warphole in the sky disappeared.
>" Well, my job here is done", said Sailor Quok."I thank you for your help with Queen
>Beryl,but you will be of no help with Queen Sudrake."
Ayu: (*as Sailor Quok*) For I am the almighty Mary Sue! Your powers are no match for mine, worthless mortal!
>said Sailor Quok, before she ran down the stairs, leaving Sailor Mercury ina cloud of dust.
Lezard: (*as Mercury*) My allergies! My allergies! Where're my pills!?
>"Wait," she cried, but Sailor Quoke had already left.
>Preston landed in a deserted alley. It was the early night, so no one was around.
>He changed his clothes so he was dressed as a hip painter.
>He sat down, and began to paint.
>By the dawning of the sun, Preston had painted 50 paintings, each very beautiful.
All: 0_o Oh my GOD...!
Ayu: He must have incredible arm strength to do that.
Ianthe: Must be from jerking off so often.
Faye: Or because he's from the Neeeeeegaverse! (*rolls eyes*)
>He took them under his arm, and he headed for the Tokyo Muesuem of Art....
Kaiba: Yeah, those guys just let any schmuck showcase their art in there
Ianthe: Man, that place has gone downhill.
>Amy had called a emergency sleepover at the temple, after meeting Sailor
>and seeing that giant warp hole. "Why would she say that? We could be a big help
>to the defeat... and how do we know she is a real sailor scout.?", said Rei.
Ianthe: Gee, maybe the uniform kinda clued you in....
>"We don't, but I'm pretty sure.", said Amy. "I want donuts" said Serena.
>"Oh, Serena, think about something else besides food, like, the subject?" said Mina.
Ianthe: How typical. Make fun of Usagi.
Ayu: Geez, even Minako, the airhead queen, is bashing Usagi.
>"Don't be so mean!" said Lita. "That Rei's job!"
Ayu: Yeah, stay in character, Minako.
Lezard: Right! Rei gets PAID to make fun of Usagi! In reality, the two of them are hot lesbian lovers!
Ayu: ^_^; Wouldn't be too surprising....
>"Anyways, I think we should go on a investigation today", said Ami.
>"I can't. I've got tickets to the Tokyo Art Muesuem, and theyre only for today.
>I had five, but if you guys can't go-".All of the girls gasped. "Yes We Can!", screamed all the girls.
Ianthe: I'd comment, except the show itself does that all the time.
Ramirez: Why can't this person spell? There is such a thing as a spell checker.
Hojo's Voice: I'll let that slide for now, since it's true. But since I've been letting so many minor flames go by without a word, the next person who tries it gets a shocking experience, heh heh heh.
All: (*groan from the bad pun*)
>"What beautiful work! And your donating? Wonderful!", said the man
behind the counter.
>"Well, sir, there is one catch..." said Preston."I want to be able to sit there, in the same
>room as everyone else looking at my work." The man smiled, and Preston
>went into the empty room to start putting up his art. It just so happened that
>Picasso's artwork was being displayed at the muesuem that day, and since it was
>the grand opening, everyone wanted to go.
Ayu: Though I'm a little late in mentioning it, "museum" only has one
Ianthe: Since when has an art museum been a big visitor spot for the average teenager?
Faye: Hey, they gotta go somewhere to smoke their joints.
>"Wow! Look at all these people!", cried Mina."Yeah, it good that we
>line an hour ago.This line builds up fast."Rei whisped a piece of hair away from her eye.
>"Hey, they're opening the doors!"
Faye: "Whisped"? What the hell is "whisped"?
Ianthe: (*singing*) Whisp, whisp, whisp...
>Right inback of the girls stood Claire. She was doing some extra credit for class by being at the exhibit.
Ayu: And why would she need extra credit? She's a Mary Sue. She already gets straight 100's in every class, attends every club available at the school, does charity work for the homeless shelter and the orphanage, and still has enough free time to model for CK and donate the money she earns to the Save The Whales Foundation.
>When she saw Amy sitting in front of her, she knew that Amy was Mercury.
>And, judginf that she was sitting with four other girls, who looked like the other scouts,
>she figured out their idenities to.
Kaiba: How? She didn't see her transform.
Ayu: As opposed to, say, Naru, who knows Usagi and the others quite well, including their Sailor forms, yet has never "known" that one was the other.
Ramirez: Everyone's infuriatingly dense in anime. They never notice these completely obvious things.
Faye: Like a Gundam covered with chicken wire and bushes.
Ianthe: (*as Meryl Stryfe*) That's not Vash the Stampede!
>Claire walked inside the door to the muesuem.
>Claire was very thin, thinner then any other scout, so she began to shiver from the air conditioning.
Faye: How cute. The Mary Sue is anorexic.
>She took her fuzzy sweater out of her red backpack,being carefull not to squish the sleeping Spunky,,
Ianthe: She keeps her cat in her backpack? Someone call the SPCA!
>which she carried around with her constantly, and put it on over her
tight velvet shirt.
>She also had on blue jeans, and sandals. Claire walked into the building and looked around.
>Claire didn't really like Picasso(extracredit), so she decided to go look at the other exhibits.
Kaiba: Why do we need to know what she's wearing? This isn't a fic,
this is a fashion show!
Ayu: Duh, she's a CK model, weren't you paying attention?
Kaiba: Oh yeah. Mary Sue. Forgot.
>Although the others wantred to look at Picasso, Lita and Serena were
not very intrested.
>They ran through the exhibits, with the others following close behind.
>When they came to a exhbit marked "P. Notserp", they decided to go in and check it out.
Faye: Yup, Notserp is a very inconspicuous name.
Lezard: (*mad scientist voice*) My name...is DOCTOR NOTSERP!!
Kaiba: Preston backwards. How very imaginative. Why would this Preston even need a cover name? Nobody knows who the hell he is; he's an extra.
Ianthe: A monster-of-the-day, if you will.
Ayu: Don't be silly. Nobody names monsters-of-the-day.
>"Wow",gasped Mina, what beautiful art. "yeah...I don't think I've ever
seen anyone so good.
>"The small room became more and more crowded. Suddenly, the girls began to feel very weak.
>Lita grabbed her head, and fell to the floor.
Ianthe: (*as Lita*) NOOOO! Crowded places! CROWDED...PLACES!!!
>Claire went into this exhibit, and saw everyone lying on the floor. She immeadiatly knew what was happening.
Ayu: Oh, I'm glad someone does, 'cause I sure as hell don't.
>She ran through the halls, and came across a bathroom.
>She went in, and found some people, victims of that room,
Ianthe: (*as room*) NYAAAAH! I have caught you!! Now you will paaay for tracking dirt in on my lovely marble floooooors!
>in there, trying to recover there energy.
Kaiba: That's "their", not "there". "There" refers to a place.
Ianthe: The energy's over there! No, no, over there!
>Claire left the bathroom, and found a room that was closed off.
Ayu: If it was closed off, how'd she get in?
Faye: She can walk through walls. Another of the many talents of the Mary Sue.
>She went inside, and found that it was just being remodeled. In here,
>She ran back to the deadly room. "Get outta here!" She cried to the people in there.
>The people stared at her, and thinking she was Sailor Moon, they took her advice.
Ayu: You mean Little Miss Sailor Claire has that odango hair-style too?
Lezard: I thought she was described as having short, purple hair.
Ayu: Yeah, you can really mistake that for long blonde hair.
>She ran out into the hall, and struck the fire alarm, so that everyone
>She panted, when she heard footsteps behind her.
>"Well, little Quok, and so we meet." Preston walked forwards, still in his painting outfit.
Ayu: What? Mr. Bishounen didn't find time to change his clothes? Tsk tsk tsk.
>Sailor Quok turned to face him. "Quok Digital Spear!"
>Sailor Quoke sent a flying spear to preston, but Preston barely dodged the spear,
>so that it grazed his arm. "Pressed Ham!"Oinking noises filled the muesuem,
>and a big sheet of flying, gloppy ham
Ayu: Pressed ham!?
Kaiba: I think it's a pun on his name.
Ayu: Pressed ham!?
Kaiba: Don't ask.
Ayu: Pressed HAM!?!?
Ramirez: All right, all right, we get the point!
>flew to Sailor Quoke.
Ayu: "Quoke"? Now she's even misspelling her own name!
Ianthe: Quoke the Raven, "Nevermore!"
Faye: I wish this fic would be continued "nevermore".
>"Quoke Digital Return!" Sailor Quoke sent the ham back at Preston,
>and it knocked him on the floor."Prepare to die, Negascum! Quok Digital Zap!".
>Sailor Quok shot her zap straight into Preston's head. He screamed, and blewup.
Lezard: Wow. He was the monster-of-the-day!
Ayu: What the HELL was the point of giving him a bishounen appearance and a name, then!?
>The scouts sat outside the muesuem, and had just about restored their
>They ran inside the building, just in time to see Sailor Quok dash out the window,
>with a little siamese running after her.
Ramirez: Then she fell the remaining six floors to the pavement below,
where she landed and splattered into a liquid dream of blood and gore,
giving everyone in the area who happened to see it screaming nightmares
until the end of their days, which wasn't far off since they all commited
suicide to escape the horrible visions once and for all. The End.
Kaiba: Stop. Hoping for it just makes it worse when it doesn't come true.
Ianthe: (*hyperventilating and on the floor*) In Mielikki's Name!! Where do you get these things, Ramirez?!
Faye: You have to ask?
Ramirez: (*smirking, arms folded*)
>"Oh! That Brat", shouted Queen Sudrack. Back at the Solar Kingdom,
>news had reached the Queen of Preston's defeat. The Princess sobbed, and the
>Queen gave her dirty looks until she shut up."Virgina!" Out of the door popped Virginia, who
>looked very sad. " Yes your magesty?" "I want you to bring me another warrior...this one with
>some actual talent." The princess stared at her mother.
>"Preston had talent, mom!", the princess started to sob again.
Ayu: (*as Queen*) Princess dear, Preston may have had talent inside
the bedroom, but outside the covers, he was an incompetent!
Ianthe: Besides, "Pressed Ham"? Who the hell with talent has an attack called "Pressed Ham"?
>"Well,your magesty, I have a new fighter. Her name is Vista...
Ianthe: (*chanting*) AltaVista, AltaVista, AltaVista...
Ayu: (*leans over and hits her*) Shut up.
>.....Vista! Come forward!
Ayu: Because they don't accept American Express! Vista! It's where you want to be!
>Out of the shadows stepped a girl with dark blue hair, and pale, blue
>Vista wore a pair of white slacks,which were held up by a pair of white suspenders,
>and a striped yellow midriff. She had on a white tie,yellow high heels, and a white hat. She
>looked as if she had stepped out of some Dick Tracy movie.
Faye: (*talking into watch*) Calling Dick Tracy, calling Dick Tracy!
>"Hello, ya majesty," she said in a thick new-york accent.
Ayu&Ianthe: (*in unison*) It's Joey!!
Ayu: Sorry, sorry, a little dub humor there...
Faye: What have I said about referring to or quoting dubs?!
Ianthe: Sooorryyy. But you must admit, dubs are much easier to make fun of.
Faye: ... (*shrugs and nods*) Yeah, that is true.
>She smiled, and her eyes turned to slits. "What can I do for ya?"
>Queen Sudrake smiled, and looked at Virginia. "Vista," she bellowed,
Ianthe: Like a water buffalo!
>"I want you to beat the Litok-7 fighters. Can you do this?" Virginia
>hand to her chest. "Me? why ya Majesty, of course I can! I'll go get started right away!"
>At the nod of Queen Sudrake's head, Vista walked back into the shadows....
Kaiba: (*as Queen Sudrake*) And don't come back without the milk.
>"Really, I do," said Darien, putting his arm around Serena.
>"I'm really in love with you," Darien said, with a sigh. "Oh Darien! I
>wish we could just run away from all this scout business.
Lezard: (*as Darien*) Damned Girl Scouts....
Faye: (*as Darien*) Damned cookie sales...
>We could spend our days, just the two of us. Wouldn't that be great,
>Darien looked at Serena. He had a strange look in his eye, like he had a idea.
Ramirez: For this was the first time this had ever happened to him.
Ayu: (*holds up light bulb*) Think he needs this?
>"Let's run off, Serena, just the two of us." Serena stared at Darien.
>"I'm a scout, Darien. I have a job to do, here in Tokyo,"
Kaiba: (*as Darien*) But Serena, you can cook fries anywhere!
Ramirez: Wasn't she just saying they should run away from it all? Where did this sudden sense of responsibility come from?
>Serena said. "I love you, and I want to spend the rest of my days with
>Serena looked away from him, and Darien turned her around.
>"Serena, let the other scouts take care of it!"
>Before Serena could protest, she found herself making out with Darien.
Lezard: Woah! Did she just suddenly jump into his arms and start necking? Damn! I want a woman like that!
>Hot tears streamed down her cheeks, and she pulled her face away from
>"I have to leave," she said. "Serena, it's not like they really need you on the team."
>Serena's mouth dropped open. "How can you say that," she cried.
Kaiba: He moves his mouth and words come out. How hard is that?
>Darien got up from the bench and put his strong arms around her.
>He began to kiss her neck, and she beat at his chest, until he let go.
>She ran out of the door, and left the apartment building. The two tickets to France lay on the table...
Faye: Why does everyone want to go to France? France sucks.
Ayu: (*pretends to steal tickets*) I wonder if they're refundable?
>"Yow!" Quinn jumped up and down, spilling checkers all over her checkerboard.
>"I win! I'm better than you!" Claire grumbled and started to put the checkers back into the box.
>Claire hated letting her sister win, but she thought that being the prodigy she was,
>her sister didn't have a chance..
Ramirez: (*as Claire*) Yes.... that's it...I let her win...
>"You won this time... but I'm gonna get you!"
Faye: (*as Wicked Witch of the West*) I'll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
>Quinn rolled her eyes and pretended to shiver, as Claire pounced.
>Quinn giggled as Claire began to tickle her.
Ianthe: (*as Quinn*) RAPE! RAAAAPE!!
>Claire's ears picked up a scratching noise coming from the window,
>and she turned her head to face it. Spunky,outside,had a
>very mad look. Claire got up, and opened the window. "Quinn," Claire said quickly,"leave".
Lezard: Eh, I'm outta here too.... (*gets up, goes to the exit and pulls
on the door*) It's stuck. (*pounds on door*) LET ME OUT!
Ianthe: We're trapped here, remember?
Lezard: Aw, crap. (*trudges back and sits back down*)
>Quinn, still laughing, got up and walked out of the room. Claire and
Spunky watched Quinn exit,
>as soon as she closed the door, Spunky began to speak. "I think I have found a scout."
>Claire gave a puzzled look, and Spunky began to explain.
>" I was walking down the main streets of Tokyo, when I felt strange vibes coming from one of the shops.
Ianthe: (*as Spunky*) Woaaah, yeah...some real funky vibes, man....
>As I walked on, the vibes became stronger. I began to run,
>and the vibes faded out.I went back, and retraced my steps.
>I ended up in front of this Art Gallery and Cafe."
Faye: If they'd only stop having those damn raves in cafés....
>"The Silver Dagger, you mean,"Claire said. Spunky nodded, and closed
>"Yes. Anyway, I put my head up on the window, and I could see a bunch of
>people with coffee, looking at some art.
>There were so many people, I couldn't recognize..." Spunky opened her
>and saw that Claire already had on her black beanie, and her velvet hip huggers.
>Spunky began to question Claire as she put on her white tank top, and blue docs'.
Kaiba: She was naked before this?
Faye: Woah, she was playing checkers naked with her little sister!
Lezard: How'd I miss that?
>Claire put on her jacket, and stuffed Spunky in her red backpack.
>Claire walked out into the hall and towards the door. "Mom, I'm going out! ."
Faye: (*as Claire's mom*) Are you still naked?
Ayu: (*as Claire*) Noooooo.
>Claire's mom poked her head out of the living room. "Bye darling...be
back at eleven.
>I'm going out in a bit to Mamo's for their Saturday night sale, and I'm gonna pick up
>food for Spunky. Do you know what she likes?" Claire thought for a moment,
>before replying "Tuna", and leaving.
>Simone could hear the buzzing of the voices around her as she sipped her Chai Tea.
Ianthe: (*as William Shatner*) Why! Can't they stay in one place! They!
Keep jumping around! There's! Something on the wing! Some! Thing!
On the wing!
Kaiba: Hey, calm down!
>Simone was very proud of the artwork she had done, that was know being displayed at the coolest cafe in Tokyo!
Faye: Are they in Tokyo? None of the names are very Japanese.
>Simone had green eyes, and brown hair which she kept in a ponytail, with two loose bangs on her head.
Ayu: So she's a Jupiter clone. Great.
>Simone was short, and wore a black satin skirt with a green halter
>Simone worked at the Silver Dagger weeknights after school, and on Saturdays.
>She attended Rinko High, which was noted for its art skills.
Faye: So the school is noted for its art skills? Damn. Must be some school.
>She began to quiver with the excitement,
Lezard: She should stop wearing her vibrator to work.
>and picked up her coffee tray.
>She took a breath, and walked into the main art room to pass out coffee.
>In the corner of her eye, Simone could spot Claire,admiring her artwork.
>Simone walked over to Claire,to offer some coffee. "Excuse me.." Claire
>spun around, and caught eyes with Simone.
Ayu: Eww, their eyes are caught!
Ianthe: How do you catch someone's eye?
Ramirez: With a dagger, then gouge it out and replace it with an eye-shaped object of immense mystical power.
Pegasus' Voice: ....
>Simone's muscles tensed, and she dropped her tray.
Faye: Dropped something.
>Claire dropped to the floor to pick it up, and Simone gasped. "I'm
sorry," Simone whispered.
>Claire raised her head to Simone and smiled warmly. "No, really, it's fine."
Ianthe: (*as Simone*) I'm just going to be passive-aggressive and poison your tea.
>Claire looked to the painting sitting above them.
>"I'm Claire..you wouldn't happen to know the person who painted this...would you?"
>Simone blushed. "I am," she whispered. Claire's mouth dropped,
Faye: Dropped something.
>and she quickly shut it.
Lezard: (*as an old lady*) Shut the mouth! Were you born in a barn?!
>They both turned to look at the painting. "Where did you come up with
this girl?" questioned Claire.
>"I didn't," Simone said," I dreamt of this girl."
>Simone reached out and touched the painting, which was a picture of a Golden Scout with red hair, and a
>frowning sun. "Simone," Claire said, "I think you should kno-."
Ianthe: (*as Claire*) -w the truth. Cthulhu lives.
Lezard: And wants your body, for some inexplicable reason.
Ianthe: Um... 0_o;
Ayu: Tentacle monsters and their fetishes. (*shakes head*)
>"SIMONE!" A thick new-york accent bellowed through the coffee house.
>"Excuse me," Simone said, before running to the kitchen.
>Vista, in disguise, sat on a chair in the kitchen. "SIMONE!"
>Simone ran into the room, and Vista moved her eyes to the floor, where Simone sat panting.
Faye: I'm getting the odd mental image of a golden retriever.
>"Simone," Vista said sweetly,"Have you given everyone a cup of coffee?"
>"I dropped my tray,"Simone replied.
>She started to get up from the floor, but fell after Vista's scream reached her ear.
Kaiba: Because sound waves produced by human-like vocal cords are that
Ayu: Not everyone can be as unflappable as you, Kaiba-kun.
>"You did WHAT!? Do you know how much TIME i took to mix that po-,"
>Vista stopped short. "I mean, sweetheart,it took
>me along time to make that coffee, and I stress you do
>NOT, not drop the next tray," Vista said through clenched teeth.
Ramirez: (*as Vista*) I am not being suspicious!
>"Simone nodded her head, picked up another tray of coffee, and quickly
left the room.
>Rei walked around the room of the Silver Dagger.
>She searched the room to find someone to flirt with, and her eyes fell upon
>Darien,who held two pieces of paper in his hand.
>She heightened her skirt, stroked her fingers through her head,
Kaiba: Ow. That has to hurt.
Lezard: Maybe she's noncorporeal, like me.
>and walked over to him.
>Darien was sitting at a table in the corner of the room. He flipped the tickets between his fingers.
>He angrily thought of Serena. If it was their destiny, why wouldn't she just loosen up?
>Of course, Darien was the typical, selfish young man, and was totally
>insensitive to the needs of the adolescent Serena.
Ianthe: How sexist. Mamoru isn't like that.
>He wanted to be physical, and even if he was the right age, Serena
>Because Serena wanted to wait, he thought of her as selfish, but in truth, he was the selfish one.
Faye: Are these Mamoru/Darien's thoughts, or the fic moralizing?
Kaiba: It sounds to me like the fic is moralizing, albeit badly. Especially since apparently he's out of character.
Ayu: He's very out of character.
>He sighed, and felt sorry for himself. "Stupid Serena."
>Suddenly Darien felt a hand on his shoulder, and he whisked around and saw Rei.
>"Hi," Rei said shyly. Darien looked at Rei, and then looked down at his tickets. "Rei, I'm in love with you."
Ianthe: That was sudden.
>Rei looked around, and the stared at him. " Excuse me?"
>Darien took Rei's hands in his own. "I bought us some tickets to France.. will you go with me?"
>Rei laughed. "UH HUH...what a funny joke...good one Darien! I'm not so sure Serena would
>find it funny.."Darien kissed Rei on the lips, and she stared at him.
>"I'll drive you over to your house to get some clothes.
>Darien and Rei walked out the door.
Lezard: Behold the 'I'll kiss you and you'll do what I want' technique!
Ramirez: Wish it worked for you, don't you, Lezard?
Lezard: (*glares*) Don't start with me, Silvite.
>Simone started passing out the coffee, being careful not to spill.
>Within ten minutes, everyone in the room had a cup,
Faye: Wow. Free coffee. Wouldn't someone be suspicious?
Kaiba: All considering, the cafe is probably filled with college students, who are the last people who'll question why they're getting free coffee.
Faye: Mm, point.
>except for Claire, who did not care for the taste. Simone walked over
>"So, Claire, what did you want to tell me?" >Suddenly everyone in the room moaned
Ianthe: For they had all become zombies. Hurray for voodoo.
Kaiba: (*dry sarcasm*) How fortunate that Claire, the only one with the power to "save" everyone, did not partake of the free coffee.
Ramirez: Plot contrivances. You'll start to get used to them, really.
>and fell to the ground. Simone gasped. "What's happening?"
>Claire grabbed Simone and whisked her into the restroom.
Ianthe: For some hot lesbian sex.
Lezard: Hey! Now that's what I'm talking about!
>"What's happening out there?" Simone looked at Claire. Claire grabbed
Spunky out of her backpack.
>"Litok-7 Fighter Immortal Quok!"
>Claire stuck up her hand, and her clothes disappeared.
Lezard: How cute, a strip show.
Ramirez: You don't sound as enthusiastic as normal.
Lezard: I'm not into jailbait.
Lezard: (*scowls*) That was a homunculus I was allowing to age normally! It's not as if I get off on seeing naked children!
Ayu: (*sarcastic*) Ah, so THAT'S why you were creating it, for your beloved Valkyrie. Uh huh, I see.
>In their place was her sailor uniform. "What the-" Spunky jumped into
>Simone's arms and, to Simone's amazement, spoke.
>"Simone...do you feel any familiarity with this?" Simone looked at
>Spunky, and her eyes flashed yellow. She thrust up her hand.
>"Litok-7 Fighter Immortal Enomis!"
Kaiba: And nothing happened.
Faye: Whoops, guess they got the wrong girl.
>Simone's clothes were instantly changed over to a yellow fuku with
>She had white clips in her hair, and Yellow Docs'. " Sailor Enomis (Simone)
Ianthe: Well, duh. We really didn't need that, considering she just transformed in the last sentence.
>hugged Spunky. "It's so great to see you!" Sailor Enomis clenched her
teeth and looked at
>the bathroom door. "But enough with the mushy stuff! Let's go Quok!"
Ayu: (*busts out laughing*) Woo...Quok. That still gets me.
>Sailor Quok nodded, and the two girls pushed opened the bathroom door
>and jumped into the main room. Vista was sitting on a table.
>Something, that looked like a lava-lamp, was sitting next to her, and it was collecting
>the energy of all the victims on the floor.
Kaiba: Well, she certainly hauled that thing out quick.
Faye: A lava-lamp. God, how tacky.
>Vista looked up from the table and scowled. "Oh....you annoying brats.
>Sailor Enomis shot up her hand and shouted "Artistic Enomis Crabs!"
Faye: She's got crabs!
Ianthe: Gods, that's a dumb attack.
>A swarm of mad crabs flew at Vista, and she screamed as they clawed
>"Digital Quok Zap!" Vista flew to the ground. She grumbled, and got up.
>"Vista's Scream!" Vista screamed at the top of her lungs, and the scouts grabbed their ears.
Ramirez: You were saying something earlier about sound waves, Kaiba?
Kaiba: Hmph. How was I supposed to know that her voice is a deadly weapon?
Ianthe: (*grabs Lezard's ears*) Hah! Grabbed your ears!
Lezard: Please let go...
Ayu: Ianthe, stop being weird. Or no beer for you.
Ianthe: Ohh.... (*lets go and settles down*)
>Using the time she had, Vista did a flying kick into Sailor Enomis's
>Vista stopped screaming, and Sailor Quok jumped on her.
>As they rolled on the ground, Sailor Enomis got up,
Lezard: (*unenthusiastic*) No, don't get up. Stay on the floor with
the other chick.
Faye: You sound down, Lezard.
Lezard: (*whines*) They aren't even cute girls! How can I be enthusiastic?
Kaiba: How do you know if they're cute or not? It's just text.
>and grabbed the lava-lamp. She went over to the rolling fighters.
>When Vista rolled on top, she smashed the lava-lamp on Vista's head.
Ianthe: Well, yeah. She just got whacked over the head with a blunt
Kaiba: When most people get "whacked over the head with a blunt object", though, they tend to fall down and bleed rather than scream.
>The energy from the lamp ran down her body, and her skin began to melt. Her body melted to the floor.
Ianthe: Once again....a named monster-of-the-day...
Ayu: Actually, now that I think of it, monsters-of-the-day are named. I just recalled that the Sailormoon anime tended to give its monsters individual names. So I guess it's not so surprising.
>Enomis held her head.
Ramirez: For it had fallen from her shoulders and was now spouting Shakespeare.
Kaiba: (*as head*) To be, or not to be, that is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troubles, and in opposing, end them...
>"Wow..what a day," Enomis sighed,
Kaiba: (*as Enomis*) Such a hard day at work...serving people, turning into a Sailor Senshi, killing my boss...wow, I'm beat.
>and Quok grabbed her shoulder. Enomis spun around, and looked at where
Quok was pointing.
>All of Vista's melted body began to crawl together, and it created a little parcel.
>Enomis stooped down and picked it up.
>It was a silver star with a hint of blue, and it shimmered in the light.
Ramirez: Beat a random monster, get a prize!
Lezard: Let's hear it for RPG mechanics!
>"Wow!" Quok gasped. Enomis put the little star up to her neck with
one hand, and
>with the other she touched her choker, and found a little notch.
>She attached the star to the choker. Enomis felt a strange, soft, warm feeling run through her body,
>and she knew that, like Quok's Arm-Computer, this was her magical item.
Faye: She sure got ripped off. A little star as opposed to an 'arm-computer'.
>How it could have been stuck in Vista's body she knew not, but she
knew that it was made for her.
>Rei looked out the window of the plane and stared at the little houses beneath her.
Ramirez: (*sarcastic*) Nice scene change.
>"She put her head on Darien's shoulder, and smiled at him.
>She picked up the blanket the airline provided, and put it around his sleeping body.
>"I wonder how grandpa will do without me."
>She quickly rid this thought, and tried to concentrate on the good things that were to happen.
Ayu: You're fourteen years old, flying to France with a twenty-two year old man who only invited you along because he's horny and his girlfriend refused to put out. I don't see a lot of good things happening.
>But Rei could not stop thinking about the scouts, and how she had deserted
>school, and grandpa. Although Rei tried to act adult, and came across as mature,
>inside she was a scared little girl.
Faye: (*little girl voice*) I'm only twee yeaz owd!
>Rei was to busy thinking about Darien to think about herself.
>Rei tried to make herself think she was ready to be Darien's girlfriend, but she knew she was not.
Ianthe: If she's not thinking about herself, then why is she thinking
Kaiba: Don't bother asking for logic from an illogical piece of crap.
>Rei returned to the window, looked out at the little towns flying bye, and quietly fell asleep.
Ianthe: (*waving*) Bye-bye!
Ramirez: That's flying 'by', not flying 'bye'.
>Simone and Claire sat on the floor of Claire's room. They chattered,
>filling each other in on important info about each other's lives.
>Everything, from big things like where they went to School, to little things about snipping off the cat's
>hair in second grade. Meanwhile, music came out of Claire's radio.
Ianthe: Duh. It's a radio. It's supposed to play music.
Lezard: Meanwhile, space was ever-expanding. Meanwhile, cats said meow. Meanwhile, Meanwhile, Meanwhile....
Faye: (*baks him*) Shut up!
>"We interrupt you for a special news break.."
Kaiba: (*as radio announcer*) I'm forty, alone and bald. And nobody
Ianthe: Hey, it's over. Let's get out of here!
ENTRY SEQUENCE...IN REVERSE!
DOOR 6: Kaiba summons a Blue Eyes White Dragon, which uses its breath attack to blast down the steel doors.
DOOR 5: Vast double doors sealed with powerful magic. Lezard invokes a power word to get them open.
DOOR 4: A castle gate guarded by two lonely mooks. Faye uses her “feminine wiles” to get past ‘em.
DOOR 3: The entryway to an airship. Ramirez, tired of all this bullshit, Silver Eclipses it into six separate pieces.
DOOR 2: Boughs of trees blocking their way. Being a ranger, Ianthe manages to talk them into moving out the way.
DOOR 1: Vast, Victorian-style double doors inscribed with the English letters, “M E S S I A H”, going around in a circle. Ayu gets pissed and tells them to stop stealing her original ideas, and they hastily open at risk of a lawsuit.
(*back on the main deck of the SoA*)
Kaiba: That was..........not one of the worst experiences I've ever had, but it's definitely up there.
Ayu: Get used to it. That one's not gonna be your last.
Ianthe: Now... we just have to wait for Mr. Bad Scientist.
Ramirez: The comlight's already on. See? (*presses it, and Hojo appears on the vidscreen, with a sub-picture of Pegasus in the upper right corner*)
Hojo: (*smirking over the screen*) So, my labrats! How did you like that? I'm especially interested in what you think, Mr. Kaiba!
Kaiba: What the hell was that, anyway? Aside from a poorly written story, I mean.
Ayu: That's more or less it, really.
Ianthe: It was Sailormoon dub-fic...
Ayu: Well, it was also a Mary-Sue.
Kaiba: I have no idea what you're talking about, and I don't really care. What happens now?
Ramirez: The process now is that we're to tell Hojo how what we just read has affected our minds.
Kaiba: My mind? It's just a story. As flat as the characterization was, and as ludicrous as the villains were...it was just a story.
Ramirez: I don't know about that. There are some stories that will make you want to claw your eyes out.
Lezard: Too true. Sometimes it hits home, eh, Silvite?
Ramirez: Die properly and go to hell where you belong, necromancer.
Lezard: Mm, tempting, but I think....no.
Pegasus: Now, now, boys, fighting is so barbaric. Let's get along and make our comments like good children, hmmm?
Ayu: Pegasus, Ramirez and Lezard are right around the same age as you.
Ianthe: (*curiously bouncy*) Ooh, ooh, so am I! I'm twenty-two!
Pegasus: Details, details.
Hojo: Anyway, what do the rest of you have to say?
Faye: (*shrugs disinterestedly and lights up*) It was boring.
Ayu: I have to wonder if this person knew alyssa, the authoress of the Gorzog-5 Trilogy. It was, believe it or not, even worse than this fic. Most people can't get past the second chapter, but I managed to get through to the second part of the trilogy before I couldn't take any more. Anyway, I wonder seeing as it's an odd coincidence that this person also is using a trilogy using a made-up galaxy name followed by a number.
Ianthe: (*shudders*) Neptune using fire...
Ayu: Guh. Yes.
Lezard: Those villains were a joke. I could have destroyed them all with one hand. Then I would have raised their spirits and used them as my undead slaves. It'd be fun, really.
Ianthe: So, uh, that's it. It was lame, but it didn't hurt.
Hojo: (*looking disappointed*) I still haven't broken you? Pity. I'll have to try harder next time.
Pegasus: (*looks down at Hojo from his mini-window*) Hojo, I have to say that I'm not very impressed.
Hojo: (*ranting*) They're a resilient bunch, but I'LL GET THEM SOME DAY!!!
Pegasus: (*cheerfully imitating Dr. Claw*) I'll get you, Inspector Gadget, next time! Neeeext tiiiiiime!
Ramirez: ....Why am I reminded of Xelloss?
Ianthe: (*smiles and shrugs*)
Hojo: (*pissed*) DON'T MOCK ME! Cloud, the BUTTON!
Cloud: God, I hate my life. (*hits the button*)
Ok: Disclaimer time!!
We do not own several of the characters used in the fic. All Sailormoon characters (that are not original) and references belong to Takeuchi Naoko and Shogakukan. Faye and everyone else are owned by their respective owners.
We also do not own the fic being riffed. It belongs to...um...whoever wrote it...we don't know since we found the fic on our computer rather than on the 'net. Since we did not ask first, let us know if you want us to take down the riffing. We're nice people (really!); we can work something out. Just be polite, and we will, too.
The whole concept of Mystery Science Theatre is copyright Best Brains, Inc.
We do, however, own ourselves. Do not use us without our permission.
>Sailor Quok turned to face him. "Quok Digital Spear!" Sailor Quoke
sent a flying spear to preston, but Preston barely dodged >the spear, so
that it grazed his arm. "Pressed Ham!"Oinking noises filled the muesuem,
and a big sheet of flying, gloppy ham
>flew to Sailor Quoke.