In a yet undetermined time
I can't tell when it would be!
There were a bunch of people
Quite different from you and me!
None of them were from the same universe,
And normally they would never converse,
But circumstances being what they are,
Hojo stole them from their homes and sent them in the sky so far!
(Hojo) I'll send them stupid fanfics,
The worst that I can find! (La la la!)
I'll make them sit and read them all
And experiment on their minds! (La la la!)
Now keep in mind they can't control
Where the fanfics begin or end. (La la la!)
They'll just have to try and retain their sanity
With the jokes that they make!
Hojo: That doesn't rhyme, you know...
Ayu: Shut up, ratboy!
(*music starts up again*)
RIFFER ROLL CALL!
Ianthe! ("Make...the hurting...stop!")
Lezard Valeth! ("Open the gates of Niflheim!")
Xelloss! ("Sore ha himitsu desu! <3")
Faaaaaaaaye! ("Men are such idiots.")
If you're wondering how they survive up there,
And other science facts, (La la la!)
Shut the hell up, we were really bored one day,
So you'd better try and relax!
'Cause it's Yet Another Bad MST3K Ripoff! (*guitar riff*)
(*Everyone is on the main deck. Ayu is sitting in a chair near the fic-light, when the light starts flashing. Sighing, she hits it, and Hojo's face appears on a moniter*)
Hojo: Hel-lo, my wonderful guinea pigs!
Ramirez: (*scowling*) You seem cheerful today, Hojo.
Hojo: I think you can all guess what I have for you. It's a lovely Final Fantasy IX fic, by a Martin the Warrior.
Ramirez: (*sarcastic*) Just one Martin the Warrior? That's good to know, I'd rather not have to deal with several.
Lezard: Hey, Ramirez!
Ramirez: (*turning*) What?
Ianthe: Nice spell, Lezard.
Lezard: As always ^_^
Ayu: (*staring at Ramirez's slumbering form*) Hey, what was that for?
Lezard: He knocked me out a while back. This is my revenge.
Hojo's Voice: What do you think you're doing?! Now we're short one guinea pig!
Faye: (*rolls eyes*) Like we care.
Hojo's Voice: I'll just bring in a replacement, like when Lezard got knocked out. HORA!
Kuja: (*appears*) (*looks around, confused*) What in the world...?
Ayu: Hey, it's Kuja! Too bad Siren-chan isn't here, she'd be ecstatic. She worships Kuja, you know.
Ianthe: Hi, monkey man!
Kuja: (*coldly turns gaze to Ianthe*) "Monkey man"? I beg your pardon?
Ianthe: Err, you do have a tail, right? You are a Genome.
Kuja: (*visibly ruffled*) Never mention that again.
Ianthe: What will you give me?
Kuja: Death in the form of a Flare, should you ever dirty my ears with that again.
Ianthe: (*sweats*) Err... oh..kay...
Ayu: You did ask him, I-chan.
Faye: "Him"? (*stares at Kuja*) You mean...she's a man?!
Ianthe: .. Yeah....
Kuja: (*flips hair, smiling arrogantly*) Of course I'm a man. Although, considering how much more beautiful I am than any woman, it's understandable that you would mistake me for one.
Hojo: Get in the theatre, you useless copies!
Kuja: (*annoyed*) Excuse me? You do not order around Kuja, worthless creature.
Hojo: (*ranting*) GET IN THE THEATRE, YOU WORTHLESS REPLACEMENT!!
Kuja: No. I refuse.
Ayu: Oh god, this should be good.
Hojo: (*spazzing*) Cloud, the BUTTON!
Cloud: No. Do it yourself.
Hojo: I HOLD TIFA'S LIFE IN MY HANDS!!! OR DO YOU WANT TO SEE HER AND YOUR OTHER COMPANIONS SUFFER AS WELL?!?!
Cloud: Shit! I forgot! (*hits the button*)
(*the Satellite shakes, throwing people and objects into disarray*)
Kuja: What in the world was that?!
Ayu: Kuja, a quick rundown. You are in a satellite orbiting the Planet, in which our air and so on and so forth is controlled by the greasy-looking guy on the other side of the screen. If you want out, you have to suffer through bad fanfiction with the rest of us.
Kuja: Are you joking?
Ayu: I sure wish I was.
Kuja: (*harrumps*) I don't particularly care for a repeat of that just now, so I suppose I shall submit, just this once. It's not as if it's a great punishment.
Hojo: (*recomposing himself*) Glad you see things my way. Cloud, send the fic!
Cloud: (*muttering to himself, hits the fic-sender button*)
Faye: WE GOT FIC SIIIIIGN!
(*yadda yadda yadda, they go to the theatre*)
DOOR 1: Huge double doors inscribed with kanji reading “Kyuu Sei Shu”. Ayu uses her divine Author powers to open them.
DOOR 2: An elven-style stone door a la the one to the Mines of Moria in LotR. Ianthe says “friend in Elvish”, causing it to grind open.
DOOR 3: The branches of the Iifa Tree. Haughtily, Kuja raises a hand and blasts them away with a single Flare.
DOOR 4: Prison bars. Faye uses one of her high-tech secret gadgets to pick the lock.
DOOR 5: A hideous door composed of decomposing bodies. Lezard uses his necromancy to get them to shuffle out of the way.
DOOR 6: A regular door, only without a doorknob. Being the only one who hasn’t done anything, Xelloss pries it open with his staff.
[ Ianthe | Xelloss | Ayu | Lezard | Faye | Kuja ]
>The Legend of Kujalita
>By Martin the Warrior
>Three years have passed since the death of Kuja.
Kuja: What?! I'm not dead! I am sitting right here! (*indicates himself
Lezard: Well, I'm dead, and I'm sitting right here too.
Kuja: (*icy glare*) In case you hadn't noticed, I wasn't talking about you.
Lezard: (*rolls eyes*) Nahhh, never occurred to me.
>We have lived in Alexandria peacefully ever since. Zidane has become the king, with Dagger as his queen.
Ayu: Zidane, king? Is he suited for such a job? Would he even want
to be king, though he loves Dagger?
Kuja: It could be a mere technicality. It would be just like that beast to run through a loophole.
>Vivi lives as a famous magician with his wife, Gastorina and his children.
Ayu: For the most part, I liked the end of FFIX, but there were two
things that didn't sit right with me. One was the vagueness of Kuja's death.
The other was the sudden appearance of all these "children of Vivi".
Ianthe: Yeah, that just freaked the hell out of me.
Kuja: How could he procreate, anyway? I don't recall making any female Black Mages... And what's all this about me dying? I'm perfectly healthy.
Ayu & Ianthe: Errrr.....
>Eiko lives in Lindblum with Regent Cid and Hilda. Steiner is engaged to Beatrix
>and is second in command of the Alexandrian Army. Freya is busy helping to rebuild Burmecia and Cleyra.
Ayu: Um, Cleyra was a giant tree. And it was completely demolished.
I really doubt you could rebuild that.
Xelloss: Shhh. (*gently puts a hand over Ayu's mouth*) Your brain will overheat if you try to make sense out of this. Even L-sama herself would smite it before trying to make sense of it.
>Quina has been appointed head chef at the castle.
>Finally, I, Amarant, have been elected as third in command of the Alexandrian Army.
Ianthe: But Amarant's a loner. Besides, he's got a bounty on his head.
Ayu: Probably got repealed, since he helped save the world and all.
>Over the past couple of weeks it seems like a strange, evil presence
has engulfed Alexandria.
>It seems like the town has gotten quieter and emptier. Freya says it’s my imagination, I think not…
Kuja: (*pantomimes picking up people and placing them in a large sack*) Listen to her, you craven beast, it's all in your head... Absolutely nothing strange is going on...
>"So, err…Quina, is the feast tomorrow?" Vivi asked softly.
>"Get out of way, me very busy!"
Ayu: (*as Quina*) Me, fail English? That's unpossible!
>Quina shouted while rushing back and forth, tasting soups, checking
>and generally making sure that all the food was okay.
>"Uh ohh…looks like you made s/he very angry," I whispered to a very startled Vivi.
Ayu: All right, that's it. I'm breaking out the damn chromosome typing kit. No more of this 's/he' crap.
>"Yeah, I guess so," he laughed nervously.
>Suddenly I felt hungry so I went over to a small table bearing a basket of cherries,
>chose a big, juicy one, and popped it into my mouth.
Lezard: ...Do I really have to say anything on this one?
Faye: No. I think it speaks for itself.
Ayu: (*as Amarant*) I love cherry muffins, myself. Especially when they're fresh-baked. You bite into them, and the cherries pop, and the sticky juices run all over your face and you lick them up... Delicious.
Lezard, Faye, Xelloss, Kuja: 0_o;
>"I see that, thief, get out my kitchen!" Quina yelled behind him.
>"Yeah, yeah, I’m going, you come to, Vivi," I said and walked out calmly.
>Vivi and I walked to the main gates without saying anything, then I said,
>"Go on, Vivi, back to the wife and kids. Oh, don’t you have a show in ten minutes?"
Faye: Is Vivi a stripper?
Ayu: 0_o; Actually, he's a nine-year-old young boy with a body composed of solid darkness.
Ianthe: Wait, this is three years later. That makes Vivi twelve years old with a wife and a procession of kids.
Lezard: DAAAAMN!! Is this kid a natural born pimp or what?!
>"Ahh! I forgot all about it! Thanks, Amarant!" he shouted while running
of to his show stage.
>"Oh well, better go see what Steiner doing." I muttered to myself.
Kuja: (*flips hair, sniffing arrogantly*) Clanking about in his annoyingly loud armor, as always. What do you need to go see?
>End of Chapter One. PLEASE Review!
>Chapter Two coming soon, read to find out more about the strange presence covering Alexandria!
>The Legend of Kujalita
>By Martin the Warrior
>Meanwhile, precisely 236.3 miles west of the castle,
Ianthe: Wow. That’s pretty accurate.
>Kujalita, Kuja’s evil, maniac sister was plotting to take over the world.
Ayu: What? Kuja has a sister? Couldn't he just be his own sister? He's
girly enough to pull it off.
Ianthe: (*attempts and fails to smother a snicker*)
Kuja: (*purposely ignores them*) It would make more sense to use Mikoto, seeing as she practically is my sister. And besides, Garland at least has better tastes in names than to feminize one he already used.
Lezard: Except Mikoto isn't evil or maniacal.
Faye: Whereas Kuja's both!
(*both bust up laughing*)
Kuja: (*miffed*) Idiots.
>"Muhahahahahahahaha! My plan is working! Soon, Alexandria will be mine!" She screamed dementedly.
Kuja: I don't want Alexandria. It's all trash-y.
Ayu: Yeah, but they rebuilt it and now it's all pretty again.
Kuja: (*lifts a snowy eyebrow*) In only three years?
Ayu: Apparently so.
>Kujalita was the one that had put the strange presence I had been feeling
>It was a spell that was supposedly able to turn people into stone statues over time.
Faye: Why didn't anyone notice all the extra garden statues, then?
>Luckily, the gang and I were immune to it.
Ianthe: Maybe it's all the equipment they got from adventuring across two worlds.
Lezard: That'd definitely help.
>"Hmm…what I need is a human to kill to immune people. Bring Seth to me."
Lezard: Wow. She's omniscient.
Faye: Maybe she has spies.
>She shouted at two guards by the door. One of the guards left, and
a few minutes later he
>brought back a tall, blonde, evil looking figure. He was a very handsome, young man,
>or he would have been if he didn’t have a deep scar across his right cheek.
Ianthe: But... but... scars can be very sexy!
Ayu: Yeah, just look at Vyse!
>"Ahh, Seth, my most trusted follower, I need you to do something for
me." She said in a happy voice.
>"I am at your command, highness." Seth said robotically.
>"Excellent! Ok, here’s what you do…"
Ayu: (*as Kujalita*) First you need to take off all your clothes, then
cover yourself in this K-Y jelly, then make with the mad loving with that
Kuja: I would be disgusted, except I don't care what happens with this Seth idiot and that beast. As long as it doesn't involve me.
Ianthe: Kuja, do you know how much yaoi there is between you and Zidane?
Kuja: (*louder voice*) As long as it doesn't involve me!
>As Kujalita explained her plan to Seth, outside the door, Tarra, a
young, redheaded warrior,
>was retrieving her ax from the marble floor. "Easy…" she muttered to herself.
>She swung her ax over her shoulder and jogged around the corner to be met by three guards.
Ayu: Watch it be the Three Stooges.
Faye: Which ones? Larry, Moe and Curly, or Xelloss, Lezard and Ramirez?
Kuja: (*looks disdainfully at Xelloss and Lezard*) Are those three really as bad as all that?
Faye: Sometimes worse.
>"Aw, crap," she said.
>"Get her, men. I want her alive, we’ll take her to the Queen after she’s finished with Seth."
Lezard: (*makes porno noises until Faye hits him*)
Xelloss: You don't like to let other people have fun, do you, Faye-san?
Faye: Don't make me kick your ass, demon boy.
>Holy mother of God, Tarra thought, oh well.
Ianthe: 'Holy mother of God, oh well'? Someone lacks original blasphemies.
>The two guards rushed her and just as they arrived,
Ayu: Arrived? You, uh... don't usually arrive at a person...
>she stepped nimbly to the wall. The guards ran past her and she said,
>"Can’t ya do any better than that? Come at me again and you’ll taste steel."
>At this remark neither of the guards wanted to come at her. They received extra energy
Ianthe: (*cheesily*) HAAA! EXTRA ENERGY!
>when their captain shouted,
>"Come on, attack her! Surely you can handle one little girl."
Lezard: Now that deserves a place on the "Famous Last Words" list.
>As the two guards charged her again she gripped the handle of her ax
with both hands
>and swung at the swords. The guards’ sword’s flew like eagles,
Ianthe: They grew wings?
Kuja: It's a simile, you idiot.
>and buried their points into the floor. She laughed and swung her ax
one more time, this time at the
>necks. The bodies fell to floor, no longer connected to their heads.
Xelloss: (*big smile*) Mmmm....death.....
Ianthe: Noooo comment.
>"Oh, feisty, little brute aren’t ya? The captain said mockingly.
Faye: Nice to see he cared for his men so much.
>"Yeah, and I’m proud of it, Dumbass," She said triumphantly.
>Before the captain attacked her she dropped her ax and pulled one of the guards’ swords out of the floor.
Lezard: Unfortunately, it broke when she tried to pry it out of the floor it was so tightly wedged in. As she scrambled to retrive her axe, the captain ran her through on the spot, and she bled to death on the floor. The end.
>She looked at it and said, "Like I always say, nothin’ better to fight a sword than a sword."
Ayu: Not really. You could use a beam cannon.
Faye: Or a Desert Eagle.
Lezard: Or magic.
>They clashed swords, the captain was viciously hacking and slicing,
>Tarra was dodging attacks and defending herself.
>"Wow! Surprising strength," Tarra said, "I could lose, probably not though."
Kuja: (*sarcastically*) Why, isn't she modest.
>They carried on fighting. Tarra occasionally sliced at her enemy, but
most of the time
>she was dodging her enemies attacks. She thought that if she waited the captain would
>eventually tire out. He did, very quickly as well.
Hojo's Voice: NO SLEEPING! FRY!
Ianthe: (*is crispy-fried*) Ow. (*coughs*)
>"Now, you’ll taste steel." She said and relaxed at little, big mistake.
>The guard took this opportunity and using strength born
>out of fear, he hit Tarra’s sword out of her relaxed hand.
>"Uh oh," she said.
>"Now you will taste steel." The captain reported.
Kuja: That's retorted, not reported. Honestly, Sir Captain, I know you are a simple lower lifeform, but certainly you can tell the difference between those two?
>End of Chapter Two
>Chapter Three coming soon. Hope I caught your attention with this chapter.
Ayu: You caught our attention to how bad it is.
Hojo's Voice: Haha! Author flame! That means...
Ayu: Uh oh.
Hojo's Voice: ELECTRIC DEATH!! Er...Cloud, you're closer, hit the button.
Cloud's Voice: Make me.
Hojo's Voice: What?! How dare you disobey your master, hideous failure!! Or have you forgotten already that the fate of your large-busted girlfriend hangs in the balance?!
Ayu: Don't listen to him, Cloud! Fight the man! Beat the shit out of him! Don't be a wuss!!
Cloud's Voice: Shut up, you! (*BRZZRAP*)
Ayu: (*charred, twitching*) Ahou...
Ianthe: (*shiny eyes*) Ayu-chan, you sacrificed yourself so I wouldn't have to make the author-bashing comment and get fried again! Thank you! You really are my best friend!
>Read Chapter Three to learn more about Tarra and if she’ll survive.
Kuja: We don't care.
Xelloss: I care!
Kuja: (*stares in surprise*) You do?
Xelloss: Sou! To be more precise, I care to see if she meets a horribly bloody end!
Kuja: (*considers this and nods thoughtfully*) A valid point.
>The Legend of Kujalita
>By Martin the Warrior
>The captain charged. Tarra sighed and dived out of the way,
Faye: Oh no, heaven forbid she actually get hit...
>not quick enough though. Her legs caught the captain’s ankles, and
the captain tripped and fell.
>Tarra acted quickly. She jumped up, moved to the captain, picked up his sword, and jumped back.
>"Taste steel, will I?" She said triumphantly.
>"Guess not," he replied, getting up.
>"Wanna fight again?"
>"Wanna fist fight?"
Kuja: ....I cannot believe how insanely stupid that was.
Lezard: (*as captain*) Want me to fist you?
Xelloss: (*as Tarra*) Sure!
Lezard: (*as captain*) Let's go!
>Tarra dropped her sword and the guard started to circle, fists ready.
>Tarra brought her fists up to her face, her fighting position when she didn’t have her weapon.
Xelloss: What, is she going to punch herself in the head? ....Actually, that would be rather amusing....
>The captain ran at her. He punched, Tarra ducked, and kicked his balls.
Ianthe: Hey, that's a cheap shot.
>He fell over, severely injured. Tarra came up and said, "How shall
I kill you? With my weapon or yours?"
>"Your choice, you little rat!" He shouted at her.
>"Mine then!" She shouted back.
Ayu: (*as captain*) ALL RIGHT, THEN! I'LL JUST LIE HERE AND LET YOU KILL ME, OKAY?
>She ran to her axe, picked it up, and ran back. Amazingly, the captain
was still on the
>floor, moaning about how he wouldn’t be able to have sex anymore.
Lezard: A real warrior would get up even after getting kicked in the 'nads.
Ayu: He's like Millions Knives--he can't take pain worth a damn. What a little bitch.
>She sighed and brought the axe down gently on his neck. She brought
it back up and slammed
>it down viciously on his neck.
Ianthe: Y'know, you coulda just beat him unconscious or something. He just got a foot to the groin, it's not like he's mortally wounded. Oh well. At least she's not killing the entire army or something.
>"Now where is she?" She muttered to herself.
>She edged along the wall until she came to a doorway, obviously the one the guards had been
>guarding. She peeked around it and saw two people talking.
Xelloss: (*as first person*) So, how about them Dodgers?
>There was a tall, blonde male with
>a deep scar on his right cheek. The other was a young female with silver hair.
>She also had a tail poking out of her dress.
>"A Genoma?" She whispered in a surprised voice to herself.
Kuja: That's Genome, not Genoma. It doesn't change for sex. Idiot.
>Tarra could catch only a few words of the conversation such as kill, king, destroy, things like that.
Ianthe: Inconsequential words like maim, murder, genocide...
Ayu: (*singing*) La la la la loo la, genociiiide... I won't leave a single man alive... la la la la luu la, genociiiiiide... Let's begin the killing time...
Xelloss: Hey! The Genocide Song! ^_^
>Every so often the blonde male would laugh insanely.
Faye: Gee, do you suppose he might be INSANE?
>This went on for a couple of minutes until the blonde male nodded and
started to walk towards
>the doorway. Tarra whispered a naughty word
Lezard: Which one? We want uncensored swearing, dammit!
>and looked around for a hiding place. She looked at a corner of the
hallway, and saw nothing but shadows.
>Excellent, she thought.She ran quickly to the corner, got there and held her breath.
Ianthe: Unfortunately, the shadows ate her. Oops.
>The blonde male came out of the doorway, and walked in her direction.
>No, she thought. The man got really close, then turned. When he was out of sight, Tarra exhaled audibly.
Faye: And the man heard, came back and killed her, because out of eyeshot doesn't necessarily mean out of earshot. Oops.
>She walked towards the doorway, axe at the ready. She ran into the
room, ready for a fight.
>She didn’t get one. All she got was a plain sight.
Xelloss: Unfortunately, the plain sight killed her. Oops.
>To her right was about three pillars holding up the room. To her left
was the same
>thing. Directly in front of her was a throne. It was made completely of gold.
>There was a red velvet pillow for your butt.
Ianthe: No, really? I thought you were supposed to sit on your head!
>No one was sitting at the throne. She walked towards it.
>"Hello." She said quietly.
Lezard: Unfortunately, she was ambushed from behind by a group of guards, and killed on the spot. Oops.
>No reply. No one home, she thought. She stopped directly in front of
>She took a look at it and turned around. She was met by nothing.
Ayu: And then the Nothing devoured her as it continued to reduce the
world to oblivion. Oops.
Kuja: You are having entirely too much fun with that.
>Weird, where did she go, she thought.
Kuja: Far away from where you are, which is where I would like to be.
>"Time to get out of here." She muttered. She took one last look around
>This place gave her the creeps. There was an eerie silence in it, an abnormal silence.
Ayu: Some heavy metal cranked up to 11 on a couple of big-ass speakers
oughta take case of all that silence.
Ianthe: Silence Glaive Surprise!!
>She ran out of the room and down the hallway to the exit.
>Meanwhile, back at the castle, I was watching Steiner scolding his soldiers.
Ianthe: Which castle? The one Tarra ran out of?
Lezard: And what the hell is with the sudden switch from third person to first person?
>"Come on men, this is a salute for the king and queen, not a pile of dead dogs." He shouted.
Xelloss: (*as pile of dead dogs*) Oh, great, bring us into it. That's all you people ever do, just demean us every day. When will we get our respect? WHEN?!
>One of the soldiers looked at his watch and said,
>"4:30, break time! Yay!"
>"Get back here, I’m not done with you!" Steiner shouted at their backs.
Ayu: (*seeing Xelloss and Lezard open their mouths*) ANYONE who makes
a perverse comment here will be bitch-slapped, I repeat, bitch-slapped.
Xelloss & Lezard: (*in unison*) Awww....
Xelloss: But I thought you liked yaoi!
Ayu: NOT WITH STEINER!! (*gets up and bitch-slaps Xelloss*)
Xelloss: Ow! Hey, that stung! A bad sting, too! I didn't derive pleasure from it! ;_;
Ayu: (*narrows eyes*) Just a small example of my divine power. Now imagine how much you'll be hurting if I kick you in the nuts.
Xelloss: ;_; (*whimpers a little and crosses his legs*)
>I sniggered. Steiner turned around and said,
>"Bet you wouldn’t have any more luck than me."
>"Your right," I laughed.
Ianthe: (*as Steiner*) Oh yeah? Well, your left.
Ayu: Maybe if we explain it enough, someone will get the point: you're. Not your. You are. You're. Not the possessive 'your'.
>"So, is everything ready for the feast," he asked.
>"Almost," I replied.
>We walked towards the break room in silence. We arrived and went in.
>It was in normal state, food everywhere and people arguing.
Xelloss: FOOD FIGHT!!
>I left Steiner to scold his soldiers and went to talk with my friend
soldier, Fisca. "Any news?" I asked him.
>"Yeah, there’s been some gossip about a shady character viewing the castle and taking notes." He replied.
Lezard: (*as Salamander/Amarant*) Oh yeah? What's so shady about him?
Xelloss: (*as Fisca*) He wears a big hat! It covers him with shadows! Thus, shady!
Kuja: My God...that's a terrible pun.
Faye: It's not the worst they've done, either.
>"What does he look like?"
>"Nobody got close enough to look. Somebody said they got within range of talking to
>him but he was wearing a black cloak.
Ianthe: But still, I could never understand why they described Sephiroth as having a black cloak when he’s wearing a trenchcoat. Actually, for the longest time, I thought he was wearing a dress because of the polygons...
Kuja: Silence, you waste of biological mass!
Ianthe: For about five minutes, I thought you were a woman. Only reason it wasn’t any longer was because you were introduced straight off as a “Mystery Man”.
Ayu: I’ll say he’s a mystery, with a figure better than most women. He’d give Faye a run for her money!
Faye: Shut up, girly-man.
>He took of when he saw him."
>"Strange. Here take this."
>I handed him twenty gil.
Ayu: Man, Amarant’s cheap. That’s less than a potion costs.
>"Thanks." He said and walked away to get some food.
Kuja: How much food are you going to get with twenty gil?
>I thought about the shady character that night, and wondered who he
>I fell asleep thinking about it. I dreamt about Kuja, or it looked like Kuja, only it was female.
Xelloss: How can you tell the difference? The only way you could tell
is if they took off their--oh god.
Ayu: Amarant's having wet dreams about a female Kuja!
>I dreamt she was flying over Alexandria Castle and she summoned Bahumet.
Ianthe: Bahumet? (*snickers*)
>He flew over the castle and destroyed Alexandria. I woke up sweating and breathing heavily.
Ayu: (*as Amarant*) Ugh, oh yeah, mass destruction gets me so HOT...
>The dream was a nightmare.
Kuja: (*rolls his eyes*) As opposed to the clichéd "sweet dreams". Trash.
>End of Chapter 3
>Read Chapter 4 to find out more about Tarra. Who is the Shady Character?
Ayu: No one cares. Can we leave yet?
Hojo's Voice: NO! Stop your whining!
>The Legend of Kujalita
>By Martin the Warrior
>Tarra was frightened. At first, it had only seemed like a low hanging cloud.
Ayu: The Alternate Dimension of Mist! Or Kiri no Ijigen, if you prefer.
Everyone Else: Whaaat?
Ayu: Never mind. Just me and my mp3-obsessed mind at work...
>Now, as she walked into it, everything had got quieter. It was as if some evil presence had overcome the planet.
Kuja: The entire planet? Just how big is this 'evil presence' supposed to be?
>As she tried to walk back out of it, the cloud seemed to grow as she
>"Ok, so I’m stuck in some giant cloud that is growing as I’m walking, and I can hardly see
>5 feet in front of me. Nothing to worry about…" She said silently to herself.
Kuja: (*as Tarra*) Aside from monsters, traps, enemy soldiers, enemy magicians, cliffs, pits...no, nothing at all to worry about...
>As she was talking, something had got hold of her ankle and as she walked forward, she tripped.
Ianthe: Well, that tends to happen when someone grabs your ankle.
>Tarra acted quickly, sensing that the thing that had grabbed her ankle
was going to try
>and kill her. She rolled over onto her back and saw what she thought was a tentacle.
Faye: Ugh, please say this won't turn into bad porn.
>She jumped up quickly and sliced down with her axe. It cut the tentacle
in half and it pulled
>back in pain away from her. She took a closer look and saw a black, oily, substance
>leaking from the tentacle.
Ayu: Excuse me while I throw up all over the floor.
Xelloss: Awww, is poor widdle Ayu-chan nauseated by the leaky-weaky bodiwy fwuids?
Ayu: It's not so much the leaking bodily fluids as the thought of those bodily fluids being used as lube in tentacle porn...
Faye & Kuja: (*turn green*)
>It thrashed around for a little while then lay still.
>"What the hell was that?" She asked herself.
Xelloss: An escapee from Legend of the Overfiend.
>"A little friend of mine, dear. I don’t appreciate people killing my
>Muhahahahahahaha!" A voice answered back from inside the mist.
>The voice sounded muffled, so she couldn’t tell whether it was male or female.
Lezard: Why be either? It could be a hermaphrodite.
All Except Kuja: (*stare at Kuja*)
Kuja: (*visibly affronted*) What?
All Except Kuja: Nothiiiing....
>"Show yourself!" She shouted loud enough so the voice could hear.
>"Show myself? If I did that, you would know who I was, wouldn’t you?"
Faye: (*as Tarra*) That was the general point, yes.
>"If you don’t show me who you are, I’ll be forced to take extreme measures."
>This was greeted by a mocking laugh.
>"Uh oh, looks like I got the little girl mad. Oh, look at the time. Guess I’ll have to finish you now. Eat this!"
Lezard: (*as "voice"*) It's my secret recipe: wrath-from-a-can! Here, have a bite! No, have a slice! Oh, just HAVE THE WHOLE GODDAMN THING!!
>The voice shouted. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a lightning bolt came
through the mist.
>Tarra dived out of the way, only to be met with a large fireball coming at her from her right.
Ianthe: Ahh! Bogey on the right!
>Tarra was knocked right back into the path of the lightning bolt.
>A surging pain went through Tarra’s body.
>She had no idea that it would hurt that badly, and she screamed in utter pain.
Kuja: How much pain did you expect from an electrocution?
Ayu: Very little?
>Tarra was knocked to the ground, losing consciousness fast.
>"Hahahahaharr, I win. I’ll have some fun with you when we get back.
>Take her boys." The voice laughed. The last thing Tarra
>saw were about 20 tentacles reaching out of the mist towards her.
Faye: NO!! (*picks up Lezard and pitches him at the screen*) DAMN YOU,
SICK TENTACLE PORN!!!
Lezard: AAAAH!! (*crashes into the screen and falls to the floor*) .....ow......
(*the screen remains shattered for a moment, then begins regrowing itself*)
Ianthe: (*watching screen regenerate*) That is really disturbing.
Ayu: Blame Hojo.
>Meanwhile, back here at the castle, I had been put on castle gate duty
>I was enjoying the afternoon air, but Steiner was his usual gloomy self.
Ayu: Steiner's not gloomy. He just has a perpetual stick up his ass.
>"Why are you so upset Steiner? The sky is blue, birds are singing and the sun is setting.
Ianthe: Someone's slipped Amarant the happy pills.
>Steiner, look at that sunset and tell me you’re upset." I said to him
>"I’m not upset. I’m angry because the castle is in danger, I can feel it." He replied.
Faye: (*as Steiner*) Spider sense, tingling!
>"The castle’s in danger?"
>"Yeah, I feel as if some huge monster is gonna suddenly come over the city and destroy it all."
Kuja: What an amazingly specific feeling.
>As Steiner was explaining what he felt, Bahamut was getting closer and closer towards Alexandria.
Ayu: Uh, no? It's kinda Garnet's eidolon.
>"Ohh, my head," was the first thing Tarra said as she came back to the world.
Kuja: (*derisively sarcastic*) "Oh my head". How original.
>She was still very weak, but stood up and took stock of her surroundings.
She was in some sort of cell.
>To her left was a small door with bars across the top part to form a window.
>The wall was painted a dull green (as were all the other walls). To her right was a toilet with two
>rolls of paper on the floor beside it. In front of her was a bed. It had one pillow and one thin
>blanket draped over it. Behind her was a wall. Above her was a vent.
Lezard: And below her was absolutely nothing. They forgot the floor!
>"Hello?" She shouted. Her voice echoed back to her from all directions.
>"No one will answer you." An old voice replied. For the first time, Tarra realized she had a roommate.
Faye: College: where you can live in the same room with someone for months and never notice they're there.
>He was an old man with thin, greying hair. His face had so many wrinkles,
it would probably
>take about 300 years to count them. His stomach looked as if it had caved in a long time ago.
Lezard: One's stomach doesn't collapse on itself due to starvation.
On the contrary, it will bloat.
Ianthe: Thank you for that lovely bit of knowledge.
Lezard: (*smirks*) You're welcome.
Ayu: And it's not as if you don't relay disgusting trivia at the most inopportune moments too.
>"Hi. My name’s Tarra Englewood. Who, may I ask, are you?" She asked
>"Me? Oh, I lost track of that about…can’t remember how many years. Just call me John Doe." He laughed.
Ianthe: (*as John Doe*) Ha ha ha. ....Why I laugh?
>"Are you hungry?"
Xelloss: (*weird look on his face*) Ravenous enough...to kill??
Kuja: It would be a great favor to us if someone would kill them both.
>"Here, take this."
>Tarra reached into the back pocket of her jeans and brought out a wedge of cheese,
>a slice of bread, and a small bottle of ale.
Xelloss: Huzzah for interdimensional pockets!
>"I keep this in case of emergencies." She said. He looked at the food
>took it politely from her hands, and dug in hungrily.
>Steiner was worried out of his mind now. He kept saying, that a huge monster was
>gonna kill him and everybody else in the city.
>I kept telling him to keep quiet and go see a psychiatrist.
Faye: Uh... do they HAVE those? In this world, anyway?
>I told him this again and then heard something. It was like a giant bird flapping its wings.
Xelloss: It was a giant bird flapping its wings! It then grabbed the two of them with its beak, and flew them back to its nest to feed its babies.
>"Steiner, shut up!" I yelled, "do you hear that?"
>"Err, what?" He replied.
>"It’s like a huge bird."
Ayu: With scales and fangs.
>He was silent for a while then his eyes widened. He muttered something
under his breath then said,
>"Yeah, what is it?" I think we both saw it at the same time. Bahamut!
Kuja: If you know what it is, then why do you bother asking "what is it"?
>"Steiner, get inside the castle and raise the alarm. Hurry!" I said. Oh my dear Jesus, I thought, I’m gonna die.
Ayu: Dude! Amarant got converted? When did this happen?
Lezard: The thought of one's impending death does wonders for Christian conversion.
>End of Chapter 4
>Read chapter five to find out more about John Doe. Will Alexandria survive Bahamut’s fury?
Kuja: Do we care?
Ianthe: Yay! It's over!
ENTRY SEQUENCE...IN REVERSE!
DOOR 6: A regular door, only without a doorknob. Xelloss shrugs and blows it apart with his nifty Mazoku powers.
DOOR 5: Vast double doors sealed with powerful magic. Lezard invokes a power word to get them open.
DOOR 4: A castle gate guarded by two lonely mooks. Faye uses her “feminine wiles” to get past ‘em.
DOOR 3: Another castle gate, this time guarded by more competent soldiers. Kuja laughs and goes into a very long spiel about his power and greatness and so on until the soldiers run away to keep from listening to him anymore.
DOOR 2: Boughs of trees blocking their way. Being a ranger, Ianthe manages to talk them into moving out the way.
DOOR 1: Vast, Victorian-style double doors inscribed with the English letters, “M E S S I A H”, going around in a circle. Ayu gets pissed and tells them to stop stealing her original ideas, and they hastily open at risk of a lawsuit.
(*the riffers arrive on the main deck, where Hojo awaits them over the moniter*)
Hojo: (*leering at the riffers*) Well? Are any of you ready to plunge into madness yet?
Ianthe: (*shrugs*) Eh.
Kuja: (*looking bored*) As frivolous as it was, I wouldn't go insane from it. I'm ready to return to my world now.
Faye: (*lighting up*) I'm not too familiar with the world that's set in, but it seemed poorly executed.
Ayu: I do, and it was poorly executed. I know nothing about Tarra, no past, no motivations, no anything except she's a fighter of munchkin-like status. She just appeared.
Ianthe: Same goes with Kujalita! What the hell was up with giving Kuja some one-dimensional crazy munchkin sister out of nowhere? Especially with a crappy name like that! It's not as if Garland needed another failure Angel of Death!
Xelloss: It was far too short. Where there should have been more description, there was none. Where only a little description was needed, like the jail cell, we got more than we needed.
Lezard: Yeah. Priorities totally backwards there.
Hojo: (*looking disappointed*) Is that all?
Lezard: Kuja hasn't said anything yet.
Kuja: Excuse me?
Xelloss: Yes, Kuja-san, you're supposed to criticize the fanfic you just read.
Kuja: It was a complete waste of my valuable time. I have other, more important things to which I must attend. (*to Hojo*) Send me back to Gaia immediately.
Hojo: (*scowls*) Ramirez will wake up before long, so I certainly can't keep you here.... but I will bring you here again, mark my words.
Kuja: Oh? (*laughs*) Is that so? I'll prepare for it, then. Let us see if you can force me to go to someplace I don't want to go when I'm ready for it.
Hojo: (*glares*) Cloud! Prepare the transfer beam!
Cloud: Yeah, yeah... (*goes off-screen*)
Kuja: (*goes to transfer platform, and dissapears in a spray of sparklies*)
Ayu: (*watches Kuja disappear, then walks over to Ramirez's still prone form and nudges him a bit*)
Ramirez: (*continues to sleep*)
Lezard: He should stay out for a day or so.
Ayu: You weren't unconscious for nearly that long, Lezard. As I recall, you were up and about by the time we got out of the theatre.
Lezard: It's revenge. I'm allowed to be petty.
Ayu: (*shrugs and starts to drag Ramirez to his room*)
Ianthe: Don't you take advantage of him like that!
Ayu: (*makes a face at Ianthe*) What kind of person do you think I am? I'm going to get him in his bed so he won't wake up on the floor.
Faye: Besides, it's pretty hard for a girl to rape a guy, especially when he's asleep. Er, or so I've heard.
Lezard: (*raises an eyebrow at Faye*)
Faye: (*looks in the opposite direction, continuing to smoke*)
Hojo: (*has been taking notes during all of this, finishes, and turns to Cloud*) Cloud, close communications!
Cloud: (*mutters*) Yeah, yeah. (*pushes button*)
Ok: Disclaimer time!!
We do not own several of the characters used in the fic. All Final Fantasy IX characters belong to Squaresoft. Xelloss and everyone else are owned by their respective owners.
We also do not own the fic being riffed. It belongs to Martin the Warrior. Since we did not ask first, let us know if you want us to take down the riffing. We're nice people (really!); we can work something out. Just be polite, and we will, too.
The whole concept of Mystery Science Theatre is copyright Best Brains, Inc.
We do, however, own ourselves. Do not use us without our permission.
>"Why are you so upset Steiner? The sky is blue, birds are singing and the sun is setting."