In a yet undetermined time
I can't tell when it would be!
There were a bunch of people
Quite different from you and me!
None of them were from the same universe,
And normally they would never converse,
But circumstances being what they are,
They were stolen from their homes and sent into the sky so far!
These six poor fucks used to be
Tormented by Hojo! (La la la!)
But ever since Cloud took over,
Their lives have really started to blow! (La la la!)
Now keep in mind they can't control
Where the fanfics begin or end. (La la la!)
They'll just have to try and retain their sanity
With the jokes that they make!
Cloud: Um, that doesn't rhyme.
Ayu: I don't care!
(*music starts up again*)
RIFFER ROLL CALL!
Ayu! ("Cloud, you are such a dumbass.")
Ianthe! ("We can survive!")
Lezard Valeth! ("I miss my Valkyrie...")
Ramirez! ("Why am I still here?!")
Kaiba! ("You'll pay for this, Pegasus!!")
Faaaaaaaaye! ("Thank god, we got rid of one of the weirdos.")
If you're wondering how they survive up there,
And other science facts, (La la la!)
Shut the hell up, we were really bored one day,
So you'd better try and relax!
'Cause it's Yet Another Bad MST3K Ripoff, Season TWOOOOOO! (*guitar riff*)
(*Another fine day on the Satellite of Amore. The fic-button starts
to blink, and Ayu hits it. Cloud's face shows up on the screen*)
Ayu: DAH!! (*ducks and covers*) Jesus, don't scare me like that!!
Cloud: What? I'm just here to tell you I've got a bad fic to torture you all with.
Ayu: I was talking about the goddamn close-up, you freak!!
Ramirez: (*bored*) Out of curiosity, what exactly makes you think that whatever you pick out will be any worse than the crap Hojo showed us?
Cloud: .... Because, I am a tortured soul! I can understand pain and suffering at its worst!
Kaiba: If you understand, then why are you doing this? What kind of an idiot are you?
Cloud: Shut up! I don't have to take this from you!
Kaiba: (*rolls eyes*) Brilliant answer.
Cloud: Hey! Shut up! (*meanwhile, a bright light flashes in the background*)
Sephiroth: (*appearing from light*) *waving a hand, Jedi-style* Your degree of pain is something they cannot understand, and yet they mock it. Therefore, they must be punished.
Cloud: You don't understand how much I've suffered, but even so, you mock me! All of you have to be punished!
Ayu: Whoa. Hi, Sephiroth.
Sephiroth: Do I know you?
Ayu: Do you know Ramirez? (*pulls Ramirez into view*)
(*the two stare at each other for a few moments*)
Sephiroth: No. He doesn't look familiar.
Ramirez: I've never seen him before in my life.
Ayu: Just curious.
Tifa: Cloud...are you okay? I mean...um...with Sephiroth and all...
Sephiroth: Do not worry, Tifa. I am completely under Cloud's control.
Cloud: Don't worry, Tifa. Sephiroth's completely under my control.
Cloud: ANYWAY. I've, uh, got another fic here to torment you all with. Tifa, send the fic, please?
Tifa: (*sighs, and hits the send button*)
(*sirens and klaxons wail as red lights flash*)
Ianthe: MY EARS! MY EARS ARE BLEEDING!
(*Ayu grabs her arm and drags her into the theatre with everyone else*)
DOOR 1: Huge double doors inscribed with kanji reading “Kyuu Sei Shu”. Ayu uses her divine Author powers to open them.
DOOR 2: An elven-style stone door a la the one to the Mines of Moria in LotR. Ianthe says “friend in Elvish”, causing it to grind open.
DOOR 3: A door inscribed with the six Moons of the Arcadia world. Ramirez uses the Silver Crystal in his left hand to trigger the power to open them.
DOOR 4: Prison bars. Faye uses one of her high-tech secret gadgets to pick the lock.
DOOR 5: A hideous door composed of decomposing bodies. Lezard uses his necromancy to get them to shuffle out of the way.
DOOR 6: A large metal door with a high-tech lock. Kaiba approaches it, and it scans his retinas before confirming his identity and sliding open.
[ Lezard | Faye | Ramirez | Ayu | Kaiba | Ianthe ]
Ianthe: ... (*dabs at ears with a now-bloody handkerchief*)
>My Imp Princess By: Me, Ryonan Girl
>Summary: I stole the plot from a fairy tale,
Kaiba: Let's hear it for plagiarism.
Others: (*unenthusiastic*) Yay.
>but just made a few major changes.
>Terra was transformed into an imp one day, and she never returned back to normal!
>Edgar, Locke and the others looked for her but they never found her.
>Because of the fact that Terra is gone, Celes started flirting with Sabin,
Ayu: Never mind that that is incredibly out of character for her.
>Terra's "true love". Terra notices this and decided to act quickly
>But the problem is that, she has to be kissed by a man who truly loves her to change back to normal.
Kaiba: No, just stupid.
>Note: Magic came back in this fic, okay?
Ianthe: .... .... ..... (*stares at fic*)
Lezard: 'Came back'? Ianthe, you seem to be familiar with this fic's world. Quick rundown, chop-chop.
Ianthe: Magic went away when the Espers left the world. And now it 'just came back'. For no real reason.
Lezard: ....Uh huh. Magic isn't something like you can turn on with a switch. It can't just 'come back'.
>One day, Terra was walking around, lost, looking for her friends.
>Then suddenly, an evil figure emerged from the rocks.
Kaiba: Amazing. We've already got the introduction and development.
At this rate, we'll have the turn and conclusion in a few more sentences
and be done already.
Faye: Hah, don't we wish.
>"Nyahaha! I caught you now!" the "evil" figure said.
Ayu: Look, the fic realizes the interpretation of evil is morally ambiguous! How enlightened!
>Terra questioningly looked at the "evil" figure, realizing that it
was just an imp.
>"Uh.I don't think so. You haven't even touched me yet."
Lezard: (*as imp*) Maybe not, but move just an inch and you'll be sliced apart by my invisible monofilaments of DOOM!
>The "evil imp" stomped on the ground. "Drat! You're too smart for me!"
>Terra puts her hands on her hips and crossly asked, "What's with you?"
Ayu: (*as imp*) Too much beer and kung fu movies.
>"I just need to make you an imp too, so that I could change back to
>Mwahahaha." the imp shouted at Terra.
Ayu: Doesn't that imp realize how odd it sounds to switch from present
to past tense in a single sentence?
Ramirez: It's an imp; what were you expecting?
>"Er.right. What were you before anyway?" Terra questioned.
>"I was a.uh..err..a normal happy human being," the imp unconvincingly answered.
Ramirez: (*as imp*) Oh, all right, I admit it! I was an...angsty
teenager! (*fake sob*)
Ayu: (*cracks up laughing*)
>Terra shrugged. "Yeah right. Maybe you were a leafer or something."
>"I was not!"
Ianthe: (*as Terra*) Was too!
Lezard: (*as imp*) Was not!
Ianthe: (*as Terra*) Was too!
Lezard: (*as imp*) Was not!
Ianthe: (*as Terra*) Was too!
Lezard: (*as imp*) Was not!
Ianthe: (*as Terra*) Was too!
Lezard: (*as imp*) Was not!
Ayu: STOP that.
>"Okay, okay, I admit! I was a leafer before I was turned into an imp,
>by another evil imp," the repulsive irritating funny-looking idiotic "evil" imp confessed.
Ayu: "Hmm"? Terra says "hmm" and the stupid thing cracks?
Kaiba: That's one hell of an interrogation tool.
>"You don't seem to be evil. You just look---ugly," Terra insulted.
Ianthe: (*as Kapp'n*) Yarr, board me dinghy, ye wee buttery shad!
Ayu: Don't quote that.
>"Now you've done it! You've made me angry! Angry indeed. Now prepare for
Lezard: (*as imp*) My angry beatin' stick! And let me tell you, it's one ugly stick!
>your doom!" the "evil" imp bellowed, facing his butt at Terra.
>Terra looked disgusted at what she was seeing. The imp was going to fart at her.
Kaiba: And you're going to let it?
>'What a moron. I could turn back to normal easily. I have magic powers you know,' Terra thought.
Ramirez: Why not just set it on fire before it can do anything so you
can avoid the stupidity completely?
Lezard: Ramirez, you know, you can give yourself a brain hemorrhage by thinking about fics like this.
Ianthe: I've heard it can happen...
>Bright blue light came out of the imp's butt (Yuck), which passed through Terra.
Ayu: Yes, that's my reaction, too, to seeing author's notes in the middle of the fic.
>Then all of a sudden, there was a dark cloud surrounding the imp and
>The cloud finally disappeared. Terra looked her skin. It turned pale green.
Faye: So much for her complexion.
Ianthe: Well, now it kinda matches her hair.
>Oh hell, she doesn't even care. She would turn back to normal anyway.
Lezard: Please, stop mixing present and past tenses. It's annoying.
Ayu: Not to mention it's poor writing. And now I accept my smiting.
Cloud's Voice: As well you should! (*BRZZT*)
Ayu: (*ZAPP*) ..... (*ksshhh....*) ......Myu.
>The ugly imp turned into an uglier and pathetic leafer. He started
to yell again at
>Terra with his puny and high voice, "You fool!
Faye: (*as imp*) You don't bleach dark clothing! You've RUINED the wash!
Kaiba: (*stares at Faye*) What the hell?
Faye: Hell, I don't know.
>You can't change back to normal.
>Even if you have magic, you can't change back to normal! Even if you have dispel
>tonics, whatever, you can't still change back to normal!
Ianthe: (*as former imp*) So, you see, you can't change back to normal!
No matter what, you can't change back to normal! And because you can't
change back to normal, you're an imp! And because you're an imp you can't
change back to normal! Ha ha ha!
Ayu: Dammit, Ianthe, stop giving me DBZ flashbacks.
Faye: "My power is more powerful than your power!" "No! I am more powerful...by the flap of a butterfly!!" "GASP! By that much?!" "Yes."
Ayu: (*laughing*) Shut up!
>That's why it's a curse! Nyahahahaha."
>Terra looked surprised. "What? Do you mean I'm---an imp forever?!"
Ramirez: Thus why you shouldn't have let it attack you in the first place. Idiot.
Lezard: (*as leafer*) Yes! I am so diabolical. Hwahahahaha.
>Terra sobbed, "But how am I supposed to see Sabin, my one and only
>looking like this I look like crap!"
Ayu: She needs to either get rid of some words or change her punctuation.
>The pathetic leafer looked elsewhere and uncaringly said, "Beats me."
>Terra furiously kicks the leafer. "Shut up! I'm not asking you! I'm talking to myself, like I always do!"
Ramirez: You always talk to yourself?
>"Ouch! That hurt! I'm going to attack you!"
>"Don't dare to attack me. Remember, I'm level 99. And you're.."
Ianthe: No, no, no! It was MOG who was level 99, you idiot!
Ayu: No one's going to get that, except for three people.
Ianthe: Well, Luck'll appreciate the reference. Hopefully.
>"Okay, okay!" the leafer exclaimed with his tiny voice.
>"I could kill you anytime, but I can't," Terra threatened.
Lezard: Simply brilliant. Reminds me of Ramirez's threat in The Pendant.
Ramirez: (*sighs*) Don't remind me of that.
Lezard: (*chuckles cruelly*)
>"Ah, I know why! That's because you're a coward, isn't it?" the leafer
>Terra kicks the leafer again. "NO! That's because I could use y-never mind."
Ramirez: (*as Terra*) I could use you as food if I'm ever starving.
Faye: (*as Terra*) Come here, little leafer~ You have to stay nice and plump because you're my emergency food rations, remember?
Ayu: (*as leafer, makes terrified squeaking noises*)
>The leafer glared at Terra but then heard somebody walking around.
>"Hey, somebody's coming! He might kill me. "
Kaiba: Oh yes, that would be a real tragedy.
>Terra looks at the guy who's approaching. "It's---it's---
Ianthe: The muffin man!
Kaiba: ...I hope I never understand your thought processes.
>The leafer dourly mutters, "Yeah. Your one and only love."
>Terra looked fiercely at the leafer and said quickly,
Faye: (*as Terra, quickly*) Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.
>"I got to hide! He shouldn't see me like this." She then went behind a rock.
Lezard: (*as Terra*) BLENDING! Yoooou caaaaan't seeee meeee....
>"Terra! Terra? Where the heck is she?" Sabin called.
>"B OO!" the leafer shouted at Sabin.
>"AH!" Sabin exclaimed, then looked around. "Funny. I'm imagining things."
Ianthe: (*as Sabin*) I disbelieve the illusion.
>The leafer laughed and said cheerfully, "No, you're not. Look at me! I'm TALKING!"
Kaiba: (*as Sabin*) So am I! Do I give a shit? No.
>Sabin looked baffled. "A talking leafer? How pitiful."
>The leafer jumped. "Don't talk to me like that! I'm strong!"
>Sabin chuckles. "Yeah right. If you've seen a pretty green-haired girl around here, talk to me again."
Ayu: But Michiru only likes Haruka.
>"You did? Where is she?" Sabin said excitedly.
>"I ate her," the leafer said unsympathetically.
Kaiba: (*dryly*) Did you eat her liver with a nice chianti and some
Kaiba: Shut up.
>"WHAT?! I can't believe my ears."
>"I said I ate her. Are you deaf?" the leafer repeated.
Ianthe: I can't hear you. I have a banana in my ear.
>Sabin looked down, with his eyes all watery. "Poor Terra, poor Terra.
>Darn you, all of the talking leafers in the world!"
Ramirez: Yes, darn you! Darn you to semi-permanent slightly-warm heck!
Faye: Ramirez, are you okay?
Faye: Right. Sorry for asking.
>Hundreds of noisy talking leafers surrounded Sabin.
>Sabin looks at each of them and said loudly. "Air blade."
>The leafers escaped pathetically.
Ianthe: He didn't even do the move.
Kaiba: I suppose that's supposed to be the humor of it. This is apparently meant to be a humorous fanfic, after all.
Ramirez: I thought it was an adaption of a fairy tale.
Lezard: No, the plot was stolen from a fairy tale. There is a key difference.
>Sabin faced the leafer. "Where was I? Ah, yes. Darn you! I hate leafers."
Ayu: (*nerdy impression of Lezard*) Open the gates of Niflheim! More
All But Lezard: (*BUST out laughing*)
Lezard: .....I hate you.
>"Aren't you going to tell this to your friends?"
>Sabin grunted and threw the leafer high up in the air, then left.
Lezard: Leafer-tossin'! Like dwarf-tossin', except cheaper and more fun!
>Terra emerged from the rock and asked, "What happened? What did you
>The leafer finally fell down. "Ouch! Were you talking to me?"
>"YES! What did you tell him?"
Lezard: (*as leafer*) Just the truth: that you're a lousy lay. Jeez.
Faye: (*smacks Lezard*) Ass.
>The leafer chuckled. "Nothing. I told him to scram, that's why he was
>Funny, a large man like him afraid of me."
>Terra threw a death look at the leafer. "You! What did you tell him?!"
Lezard: (*as leafer*) Weren't you listening? I said--
Faye: (*drives an elbow into Lezard's head*) That's ENOUGH!
Kaiba: (*peering at Faye*) Scary woman...
>"It's a secret."
>Terra shook the leafer. "What the heck did you tell him?!"
Lezard: (*as leafer*) Look, I just said--
Ayu: (*imitating Xelloss*) Sore ha himitsu desu! <3
Lezard: Oh, I hate you all.
Ayu: (*throws her arms up*) WOO!
>" Okay! I'll tell you!"
>Terra stopped shaking the leafer and started to listen intently to what the leafer will say.
>The leafer took a deep breath and whispered. "I told him I ate you."
Ianthe: (*as Groundskeeper Willy*) I 'ate 'is little face, I 'ate 'is
guts, and I 'ate the way 'e's always barkin'! So I gave 'im to the church.
Ayu: (*as Bart*) Ohhh, I see... you HATE him, so you gave him to the church.
Ianthe: (*as Groundskeeper Willy*) Aye. I also 'ate the mess he left on me rug, if ya knows what I mean!
>You told him that you ate me?!" Terra cried.
>"Yeah. What's the big deal?" the leafer said unfeelingl.y
>Terra irately punches the leafer on his head.
Faye: (*punches Lezard on the head*)
Lezard: OW! Hey! I didn't even say anything!
Faye: I know. You deserve it anyway.
Faye: Damn right.
>"Damn you people! Why do you keep on bullying poor creatures like me."
>"You're not poor! You're just stupid. And I don't care about creatures like you.
>I care about my friends.and me."
>"That's the problem with you! You're so selfish!"
Kaiba: Why should she care about a stupid weakling like you?
>Terra stared at leafer evilly. "How will I go back to my normal self
>"I have no idea."
>"Tell me! I need to know!"
>"I told you, I don't know!"
Ayu: (*sings*) I gotta know, won't you tell me?
>Terra stared hard at the leafer. "I don't believe you."
>She then grabbed him and shook it. "TELL ME OR DIE!"
Faye: (*as leafer*) Well, when you put it like that, okay.
>"Okay! You have to wait patiently until next year, then do what I did."
>"What did you do? Fart?"
>"I didn't fart! I JUST changed you into an imp, forever."
Lezard: By farting.
Ramirez: (*facepalms, shaking head*)
>"Is there any other way. I can't wait that long."
Kaiba: You could always commit seppuku.
Ayu: How is that going to help at all?
Kaiba: Do I look like I care?
>"I don't want to."
Ianthe: (*as Terra, indicating sword*) Well, Mr. Pointy here says differently!
>Terra paused. Then she opened her wallet and then said sweetly, "I'll
give you money."
>The leafer leaped in joy. "Give me!"
Faye: ...What's a leafer, whatever that is, going to do with money?
Ramirez: Provide a reward for when it gets defeated in a random encounter.
>"Tell me first."
Ayu: (*as Ginkan*) Tell me about the cat PC!
>The leafer sighed. "In that case, I'll tell you what I know.
>There's this old geezer who lives alone in the mountains, who also experienced this nuisance."
Ianthe: You mean the fic?
Cloud's Voice: That's a flame!
Ianthe: That's subjec-AIEEEE! (*she is fried*)
>"He knows everything about this curse. Maybe he could help you. "
>"Fine, but you're coming with me."
>The leafer coughed. "ME?!"
Ramirez: (*as leafer*) What? What for? You don't need me!
Faye: (*as Terra*) Silly little leafer! You're my emergency food supply! I have to have you with me!
Ianthe: (*as leafer, terrified squeaking Menchi noises*)
Ayu: Ianthe, you do that so much better than me it's scary.
>"You'd be my guide."
>Terra pleasantly smiled. "I'll give you additional money."
>"That'll do!" the leafer said willingly.
Lezard: Ah, avarice. What would we do without you?
>In the meantime.
Faye: War was beginning.
Ianthe: What happen?
Kaiba: PLEASE don't start.
>Sabin ran to the camp, breathing hard. "Guys!"
Ayu: (*as Sabin*) You'll never guess what I just saw!
Lezard: (*as Locke*) Setzer and Cyan spanking each other hard, covered in whipped cream and baby oil?
Kaiba: (*eye-twitches at Lezard*)
>"Sabin!" Celes shouted eagerly.
>"Sabin! You're back!" Locke smiled.
Ramirez: ...Hiding his true dismay that once more, the fool had escaped the death that had been planned for him. Tonight would be different.
>"Have you found Terra?" Edgar urgently asked.
>"No. But I have spoken to something that saw her," Sabin sadly said.
>"A thing? You spoke to a thing?" Locke said sarcastically.
Faye: (*as Sabin*) No, I spoke to an it.
Ianthe: (*as Sabin*) A whatchamacallit!
>"Are you kidding?" Celes asked.
>"Nope. I just spoke to a talking leafer," Sabin replied.
>Locke laughed. "A talking leafer? What has gotten into you?"
Ramirez: (*as Sabin*) Nothing! Certainly nothing illegal!
>"Sir Sabin, maybe you should settle down first," Cyan advised.
>"He's right. Maybe you should rest first," Setzer said.
Lezard: (*as Sabin*) Can I have some marijuana then? Er, for medicinal
Ayu: (*as Locke*) Sabin, you aren't fooling anyone.
>"Go on," Edgar said, listening attentively to his brother.
>Everyone looked at Edgar inquiringly.
>"I didn't believe it also at first. It said that she's---gone." Sabin huffed.
Ianthe: And puffed, and blew the house down!
>"WHAT?! SHE CAN'T BE GONE!" Edgar cried out.
Kaiba: Yes, she can.
>"I don't believe this," Locke said, startled. "What happened to her?"
>"The leafer ate her," Sabin said.
Lezard: (*as Locke*) It ATE HER OUT? Holy shit!! I didn't know
Terra was into that bestiality shit!! Sweet fucking GOD!
Ramirez: (*as Sabin*) Uh, no, it ate her, as in it devoured her flesh and swallowed her bones.
Lezard: (*as Locke*) ....Oh. ....Well, that's just lame, then.
Ramirez: (*as Sabin*) Tell me about it.
>Locke jumped to his feet. "I'm going to get that leafer."
Ayu: (*deadpan*) That damn leafer. Oh, that leafer will pay. Feel my wrath. Yargh.
>"She's---dead?" Celes said mournfully.
>"We aren't so sure. It might have lied to you," Edgar said.
>"Or, it might have been just a figment of your imagination," Setzer reasoned.
Kaiba: Or a figment of your drug usage.
>"Sabin, take a break first. We'll continue finding her," Locke suggested.
>"I'll look for terra myself," Edgar said compellingly.
Ianthe: (*As Edgar, waving hand a la Jedi mind trick*) I have no evil perverted ulterior motives. I simply am worried for Terra.
>"No, your highness. It's too dangerous. I'll go with you," Cyan told
>" I'll also go with you," Setzer said.
>Locke looks at Celes. "How about you?"
>"I'm tired. I'll stay at camp with Sabin," Celes yawned.
Faye: An excuse to mack on another woman's man if I ever saw one.
>Oh all right."
>"Let's go!" Edgar enthusiastically said.
>Edgar and Setzer walked ahead of them.
>Cyan whispered, "How come Sir Edgar's so anxious to look for Terra?"
>Locke shrugged. "I don't know what has gotten into him."
Lezard: I'd say it's more a matter of what he wants to get into.
>"Why aren't you worried about her? She could be dying right now!" Sabin said worryingly.
Ramirez: Well, if she's already dying, there's not much you can do about it.
>"Yes. She might have turned into a talking leafer," Cyan tensely joked.
>Locke patted Cyan's shoulder. "Good one!"
All: Ha. Ha ha ha. We laugh at the clever use of irony. Ha.
>"Knock it off! Come on! Get your ass out of here!" Sabin snapped.
Ianthe: (*as Sabin*) Your stupid donkey is blocking the doorway!
>Then, Locke and Cyan ran after Edgar.
Ayu: Mmmm....the fresh lemony scent of yaoi.
>In the meantime, "I'm so tired. When will this mountain end?" Terra complained.
Kaiba: It'd be easier to end your life than the mountain.
>"Gee, I don't know. You have magic powers don't you?
Ianthe: (*singing*) ...We've got some magic powers, we are nourishing
Lezard: (*covering his ears, singing loudly to drown out Ianthe*)
Ianthe: (*sulks*) I hate you.
>Why don't you fly to the top?" the leafer mockingly said.
>"Cut it out. Who said I want to be an imp?"
>"Then shut up. You're making me angrier," Terra said fiercely.
Faye: Bitch, bitch, bitch.
Ayu: I don't remember Terra being this pissy.
>After an hour, they finally reached the top.
>"Whew! I'm exhausted." Terra sighed.
>"Me too. Let's take a break."
Kaiba: (*as Terra*) That sounds like a good idea! (*pantomimes breaking leafer's arm, complete with sound effects*)
>"No. Not until we find the old man."
>Terra looks around & points to an ancient man, with a long gray beard and a
>bald head, sleeping under a tree. "I think that's him."
Faye: (*rolls eyes*) I like how the old man is right there, so they don't have to walk any further.
>"Hey baldy! Wake up, won't you?" the leafer yelled.
>The old man woke up and shook his head. "Huh? Who are you? What are you doing here?"
Lezard: (*as old man*) 'Cause it's my mountain! Not yours! Mine mine mine! Got it?
>"You know me. You turned me into an imp." The leafer said.
>The old man stood up slowly. "Ah, yes. I remember.
Faye: (*as old man*) ...Wait, no, that was a trip I had the other day. Who are you?
>You're the most annoying being I turned into an imp."
>The leafer said ironically, "Thanks for the compliment."
Kaiba: That's not irony. That's just stupidity.
Ayu: Irony is always misused...
>You're welcome," the old man said, not even noticing the leafer's sarcastic
>"Now what do you want?!"
Ayu: (*dramatic*) I want...CHEEEESECAAAAAAAKE!
>"Uh, sir. This moron made me into an imp too, and now, I want to
>return back to normal as soon as possible."
>"Then wait for a year. Then, you'd have a chance to turn another individual into an imp,"
>the old man replied.
Faye: (*as Terra*) No no no, as soon as possible. Weren't you listening?
>"No. You don't understand. I NEED to turn back to normal right now!" Terra insisted.
Lezard: (*as old man*) No, you NEED to have a toke. I got plenty in the back room! Let's all get stoned! I got plenty of munchies!
>The old man paused. "Well, in that case, I have some solutions to your
>I've made a list right here."
Ianthe: (*singing*) He's got 'em on the list, he's got 'em on the list--
Others: (*writhing on the ground, covering their ears and moaning in pain*)
Ianthe: (*sulks*) I hate you guys.
>"May I have it?"
>"No way. A fool would only do that. Buy it from me."
>Terra raised an eyebrow. "How much?"
Lezard: (*as old man*) Two dollah. Two dollah and blow job!
Faye: (*as Terra*) On second thought, keep it.
>The old man immediately said, "Only 10,000 GP."
>"That's too much for a piece of paper!" Terra exclaimed.
Ayu: It's not just a piece of paper, it's a piece of paper with something you want written on it. Price is determined by what people think it's worth, not what it's actually worth. Look at the whole paper money system.
>The old man sighed. "Then wait for another year."
>Terra hesitated, but then gave the man her money. "There!"
>The old man took Terra's money and oddly smelled it. "Ah, the smell of money!"
Ianthe: ...So, he's smelling gold pieces? That's..... really weird.
>Terra whispers to the leafer. "He's as greedy as you."
>"Hehehe. I know," the leafer chuckled.
>The old man gave Terra the list. "Okay. Do those things and you'll be back to your own self."
Ramirez: ...he said, crossing his fingers behind his back.
>Terra read the writings on the paper and read them aloud.
Faye: (*as Terra*) Hey, why does this say 'Bill of Rights' on it?
Kaiba: (*as old man*) Er... this guy named 'Ashcroft' gave me a really good price for them.
>"Number one, buy this piece of paper for 10,000 GP."
>"You've already done that," the leafer reminded.
>Terra harshly said, "Yeah I know. Number two; sing for 5 hours straight.? Huh?! What a stupid thing to do."
Ayu: Tell us about it.
>"I did all of those things and I returned back to normal the next month."
Ramirez: (*as old man*) Although I am lying.
>"Okay! I'll move away from you bozos and sing for five hours.
>I'll do everything just to be free from this abomination!" Terra said loudly.
>"Yeah right," the leafer muttered.
>" *cough cough* Do re mi fa sol la ti do---*cough cough*"
Ayu: Uh, that one was Celes' line.
Ianthe: Number one thing I hate about FF6 fanfiction. People think it's funny to repeat all the jokes in the game that were a one-time thing in the game. I'm sick of Locke denying he's a thief over and over in these fics, for example. It was funny once, but you would-be authors ruined it! You ruined it, you hear!?
Faye: Uh, chill... It's a humor fic.
Ianthe: (*seethes silently*)
>"It's going to be a long day," the leafer sighed.
>Chapter 3 (Edited. Finally!)
Kaiba: Somehow I have a feeling it won't make much of a difference.
>On the mountaintop…
>Terra groaned. After singing stupid nursery rhymes for long hours, she was exhausted.
Ayu: Don't worry, Terra, I'm sure future trials will make you look back on that stupid incident fondly.
>"What else do you want me to do?"
>The leafer replied uncaringly, "Check the list."
Faye: (*pantomimes checking the list*) It says I have to eat you.
>Terra sighed and weakly reads the paper. "It says here that I should…what?"
>The old man chuckled, "It said there that you should spend fifteen days in the desert."
Ayu: Followed by being tempted by the devil.
>Terra glared at the weird old man suspiciously, "What kind of foolishness
>"Foolishness that a fool would create?" the leafer muttered.
Kaiba: No, foolishness that a genius would create.
Ayu: I bet you're really familiar with that, huh, Kaiba-kun?
Kaiba: (*sharp glance at Ayu*) What the hell is that supposed to mean?
Ayu: Nothing, nothing...
>"Shit! Did you really do all of these things?" Terra said doubtfully.
>The old man fidgeted and said nervously, "Yeah."
>Terra looked angry. "F*ck you! You're both using me, aren't you?"
Ramirez: (*as old man*) Of course! Somebody has to be our comedy relief!
>"Uh," said the leafer.
>"No, we’re not!"the old man said defensively.
>"Yeah, we’re not," the leafer said unconvinvingly.
Lezard: (*pantomimes hiding knife behind back*) We don't have evil intentions... Really, we don't!
>"I mean I'm not," the old man started. "Look, I can prove to you that
I was an imp once.
>I had some sort of a scar when I was an imp. It's near my belly button."
Kaiba: How would a scar, regardless of when he got it, prove that he'd
been an imp once?
Ramirez: Fic logic.
>"I'd rather not see your unclean belly button," Terra cried, disgusted.
>The old man lifted his shirt, "No, you should really see it."
>Terra backed away. "No, it's okay. I'll go to the nearest desert I can find."
>She went down the mountain saying to herself, "What a weird curse…"
Ianthe: (*cheesy Asian accent*) You want real curse, you go jump in spring of drowned donkey!
>The old man turned to the unconcerned leafer. "You'd better go after
>"Why? That'd be a waste of time," the leafer murmured.
>"She paid you, didn’t she?" the elder commented.
>"Ah, yes! I forgot! She might even pay me more!" The leafer ran down the mountain. "Hey girl, wait up!"
Kaiba: Here's to hoping its greed will get it killed by the end.
Faye: That annoying, huh?
>The old man just shook his head and put the 10,000 GP he received inside his shorts.
Lezard: At least no one will steal it.
>"I'm getting hopeless," Celes complained, dragging her feet on the sand.
Ianthe: (*twitch*) Celes does not complain. She's a frickin'
GENERAL, for the Lady's sake.
Kaiba: ...I'm getting hopeless?
Ianthe: Well, I'd say she is, in this fic.
>"We can't find her anywhere," Locke remarked.
>"So that means, the leafer was true," Sabin said, rather stupidly.
Kaiba: That's "the leafer was telling the truth"...which it wasn't anyway.
Idiot. If Terra is so strong, how can he believe even briefly that she
was eaten by a leafer?
Ramirez: One of the fic's gags, I suppose.
>Edgar heaved, "I don't think it was telling the truth. I'm not going
to give up."
>Cyan folded his arms. "I think she's gone. We should leave now and head back to
>the castle to have some rest."
>"No. She's around here somewhere," Edgar objected.
Ayu: (*a la Guu*) Terra is alive...in our hearts, forever.
>"She must have returned to the castle already, if we couldn't find
her here," Celes noted.
>"I’ll start the airship," Setzer suggested.
>"Idiot," Locke snarled.
Ianthe: Locke SMASH!
>"Figaro's castle's just a block away. We could walk all the way there.
>Setzer looked at Locke in horror. "But I don't want to get sunburned. I have sensitive skin."
Kaiba: So bring an umbrella.
>Locke rolled his eyes and leaves. "Sheesh. Do whatever you want. I'll
>waiting for you guys in the castle, okay? Then I'll look for Terra tomorrow."
>"I'm quite tired. I need to take a nap," Cyan said, also leaving.
Ayu: THRILL as Cyan, master swordsman of Doma, takes his afternoon nap!
>"C'mon Edgar. She'd be fine. Trust me," Celes condoled.
>Edgar bowed and head. "I’m sorry for Terra."
Faye: (*as Edgar*) More specifically, I'm sorry I couldn't shag her
Kaiba: You do not condole. You console. Condole is an intransitive verb and thus cannot be used like that. Idiot.
Cloud's Voice: No flaming! (*fries Kaiba*)
Kaiba: (*yelps as he's fried, then glares at no place in particular before muttering and twitching, then grudgingly settling back down*)
>Setzer said, wounding like a wimp, "I'll use the airship, okay.
>All those who want to keep their skin color and texture, follow me."
>He then entered his airship.
Faye: Wounding? What the hell?
Lezard: (*peers at fic*) I believe it's supposed to be 'sounding'. A typo, I imagine.
Kaiba: He is a wimp. Not to mention stupid. He could put on more clothes, he could get an umbrella, he could stick to the shade, he could walk quickly... There are lots of alternate solutions to taking an airship down a block.
Ianthe: He's out of character, like everyone else. I don't think the author likes him.
Ayu: Setzer seems to be a mostly unpopular character, I've seen...
Ianthe: (*shrugs*) Never used him all that much, but don't have it in for him, either...
>Celes shrugged and walked back to the castle.
Ayu: (*as Celes*) Screw you guys, I'm going home.
>Edgar turned to his twin. "Are you sure she's okay?"
Ramirez: (*as Sabin*) No, actually, if you head about a mile east you'll find her mutilated--I mean, yes, I'm sure she's fine.
>"I don't know. But I have a feeling that she's still alive and well,"
Sabin said, flexing his muscles.
>Edgar looked at his brother, freaked out, then turned away.
Kaiba: ..... (*just stares*) That 'freaking out' sure didn't take a
Ramirez: I wonder what it was like. Maybe he frothed at the mouth for a few seconds before returning to normal.
>"But it's been two days since she's been gone."
>"Yeah, I know. But she's a strong girl. I'm sure she's alive."
>"I hope so. I wish she's still alive." Then Edgar laughed and said sarcastically,
>"I hope at least I could have sex with her before she dies.
Ayu: (*quietly picks up Lezard and throws him at the screen*)
Lezard: (*CRASH*) OW! What the hell was that for?! I didn't even say anything!!
Ayu: (*burning eyes of DEATH*) Be silent, necromancer.
Lezard: .....yes, ma'am. (*gets up, returns to his seat*)
>Sabin pats his brother on his shoulder and walked away, still flexing
>Edgar looked up at the hot sky and laughed. "I really meant that…"
Faye: I bet you won't once you see what Terra looks like now. Jackass.
Ianthe: I wonder if that would count as bestiality or not...
>He went back to the castle, imagining sexual interactions between Terra and him.
Lezard: (*Bill Clinton voice*) I did not have sexual interactions with that woman. ...I just wish I did.
Ianthe: (*singing*) O Christmas tree, o Christmas tree... (*notices others staring*) What? It kinda looks like a tree garland!
>Terra crouched in the middle of the desert, cold. To herself, she said,
>"It's my thirteenth day in the desert and I haven't even seen Sabin.
>I hope I would see him soon. It's so hot in here, but now it's freezing!
Kaiba: That's what happens when you stay in a place with no climate control.
>My imbecilic companion is here with me, singing nursery rhymes.
>I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!"
All: NEITHER CAN WE!!
>The leafer looked up and sang groggily, "Twinkle twinkle little star,
how I wonder what you are."
>"Shut up!" Terra snapped.
>"I thought you're enjoying my songs," the leafer faced Terra, looking drunk.
Ianthe: Where did the leafer get booze? I want booze!
>"I'm obviously not. So can you please shut your trap?" Terra protested.
>"Fine," the leafer said angrily. It then looked eastward. "Hey, isn’t that your friend?"
Lezard: Only a fool thinks he has friends.
Ianthe: You and Touga both.
>Terra looked around and said urgently, "Where?!"
>"Over there!" the leafer pointed.
Ayu: Ninja! NINJA DA!
Ayu: (*points*) ASOKO!!
Ayu & Faye: (*bust up laughing*)
Ianthe: ....I don't get it.
Ramirez: Don't worry, the right people will.
>Terra looked to the east.
Ayu: But soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
>"That's.Sabin! He's outside Figaro castle."
>The leafer just shooked his head and started humming weird
>melodies sung by modern day boy bands.
All: (*blink*) What?
>Terra noticed someone else. She said disappointedly, "…And with him is..Celes…"
Ianthe: Why should that matter? Celes has a thing for Locke... oh, right.
The author has thrown all the characterization out the window, along with
any semblence of the plot. What the hell does any of this have to do with
It adds nothing to the story at all!! Furthermore--
Lezard: Relax for a second. This won't hurt at all.
Ianthe: Wait, what are you--
Lezard: (*chants*) Sleep.
Ayu: ...Well, that worked.
>"Hey Sabin, what are you doing out here?" Celes asked, walking beside Sabin.
>"I'm just looking at the stars, thinking," Sabin said dreamily.
>Celes said, "I also go outside and look at the stars when I'm lonely. We really have lots of similarities."
Ayu: (*just starts laughing*)
Kaiba: (*as Celes and Sabin*) I'm human! Hey, I'm human too! Wow, we have so much in common!
>Sabin looked like he doesn’t care. "Yeah, yeah. Where's Locke?"
>Celes looked down. "Locke? Well…he's.asleep."
Lezard: Heh...simple, but elegant.
Kaiba: (*shrugs, but smirks a little anyway*)
>"He really looked for Terra. I wonder where she is right now."
>Terra, who was hiding nearby, thought, "I’m right here! Yoo hoo!"
Ramirez: If you think it, he's obviously not going to hear.
Lezard: Also, don't use quotation marks for thoughts. You're thinking, not speaking.
>"Maybe she's happy at this moment. Wherever she is," Celes commented.
>Terra put her hands on her hips and thought again, "I’m not happy. I’m miserable.
>You should know better, Celes."
Faye: How would she know better? She can't read minds.
>"I hope Edgar has accepted that she's gone for a while," Sabin whispered.
>"He has. I saw him today, talking with a group of women with a smile on his face."
Ayu: ...But one of the gags in the game was that he always got shot down.
Lezard: Well, all Celes saw was that Edgar was smiling and talking to a bunch of chicks. Anything could've been happening.
>"He's always like that. I don't know why."
>"Is it in the blood?"
>"No, it's not. I'm not much of a womanizer."
Faye: If you leave it paused like that, you might burn the image into the screen.
>Celes looked at Sabin dearly. "Could you accompany me tomorrow? I'm going shopping."
Ramirez: (*as Celes*) ...for a sword that can penetrate your thick skull.
>Sabin looked unsure. "Uh…err…sure…"
>Celes seemed to be delighted. "Great! See you tomorrow."
Ayu: (*as Celes the valley girl*) Like, nifty! I'll, like, see you there!!!!
Kaiba: Your exclamation points are audible.
Ayu: Hush, that was the point.
>Celes entered the castle, smiling.
Faye: (*as Celes*) Hah, the dumb jock fell for it. Soon his skin will be decorating my apartment as a handsome throw-rug!
>Sabin looked at the sky, thinking deeply.
>But secretly, he was just forming um… shapes of boobs….using the stars.
Kaiba: I'm getting the feeling the author is just making up crap as she goes along.
>"Hey, you! You leafer!" Terra called.
>"Call me Leafy instead," the leafer recommended.
Ramirez: That's not much of an improvement.
>Terra looked desperate. "Hey, Leafy, whatever. Please, go to Sabin
and tell him that Terra's alive."
>"I need a token of appreciation first," the leafer said mischievously.
>Terra frowned and gives Leafy (Ryonan girl: Stupid name…)
Ayu: Excuse me while I mentally beat you down for adding author's notes
inside the fic AGAIN, Ryo-chan.
Cloud's Voice: I believe that constitutes as an author flame.
Ayu: Oh, b--(*BRZAAAAP*) ..... You know, that kind of tickled...
>a gold coin. "Now hurry!"
>"Yes ma'am!" Leafy said, running to Sabin.
>"Hey, remember me?" Leafy said, pulling Sabin’s trousers.
Lezard: I sure do! You were my favorite toy! (*stands up, pantomimes drop-kicking the leafer*)
>Sabin jumped and turned around angrily "HEY!". He saw Leafy and glared
at it evilly,
>"Ah yes! So I wasn't hallucinating when I saw you! Edgar! Come here quickly!"
>Edgar walked out of the castle entrance.
Ramirez: And into a tear in the dimensional wall that left him floating in space. He quickly asphyxiated to death. The End.
>"What? Don’t tell me you’re making shapes again out of the stars."
Lezard: (*as Sabin*) Hey, don't knock it! It's like free porn!
>Sabin ignored Edgar. "Look at this pitiful creature," Sabin pointed. "It can talk!"
Ayu: (*as leafer, Donkey voice*) That's right, foo'! Now I'm a flyin' talkin' leafuh!
>"I’m not pitiful," the leafer complained.
>Edgar held his chin. "So you were right. So Terra's…"
Kaiba: (*as Edgar*) Eaten! Die, leafer!
>"Alive and healthy," the leafer interrupted.
>Edgar seemed to be interested. "She is? Then where is she?"
Lezard: However, he was actually bored out of his mind. Just like us. Yaaawn.
>"I don't know. All I know is that she' s alive," Leafy said stubbornly.
>"I don't believe you," Edgar said persistently. "You know where she is, don't you?"
>"I said I don't know."
>"Then you aren't of any use then. I might as well kill you," Edgar said, pulling the sword.
Ayu: (*as leafer*) Kill me! Defeat me!! I, who am before your eyes.
If you can't, you can lose that which you treasure forever. Forever...
Faye: (*claps*) Way to use a completely obscure reference.
Ayu: Kirsy will get it and that's all that matters.
Ramirez: Who's Kirsy?
>"No! Wait! I know where she is! She's out in the desert!" Leafy blurted.
>"She's watching us all this time?!" Sabin exclaimed.
Ayu: (*as leafer*) Yeah. She said something about wanting to see some
hot twincest; I dunno what the hell that is, though.
Kaiba: 'Twincest'? Ugh, that's a new one.
Ayu: To you, maybe.
Kaiba: I won't ask.
>Edgar walked into the sand and looked for Terra. Sabin followed his
>"Where is she?" Sabin demanded.
Ramirez: (*as leafer*) Somewhere cold and damp. Here, you'll need this shovel to reach her.
>The leafer pointed towards Terra's camping place, "Around there."
>Edgar and Sabin went to the direction where Leafy was pointing. "Terra?"
Faye: (*as leafer*) No, Matoya.
Lezard: (*closes eyes, miming a person trying to feel their way around*) I'm bliiiiiiind!
Faye: If you grope me, necromancer, I swear to God I'll kil--wait...dammit.
Lezard: Heh heh heh. I love being dead.
>"Terra? Answer us, or we'll find you ourselves!" Edgar shouted audibly.
Ramirez: Ah. As opposed to shouting inaudibly?
Kaiba: (*after a few moments*) Looks like it's over. (*gets up to leave*)
Ayu: (*nods, and follows the others, dragging Ianthe after them*)
ENTRY SEQUENCE...IN REVERSE!
DOOR 6: Kaiba summons a Blue Eyes White Dragon, which uses its breath attack to blast down the steel doors.
DOOR 5: Vast double doors sealed with powerful magic. Lezard invokes a power word to get them open.
DOOR 4: A castle gate guarded by two lonely mooks. Faye uses her “feminine wiles” to get past ‘em.
DOOR 3: The entryway to an airship. Ramirez, tired of all this bullshit, Silver Eclipses it into six separate pieces.
DOOR 2: A handprint identification password-locked door. Ayu looks around at the others, who shrug, then grabs Ianthe's hand and uses it to open the door.
DOOR 1: Vast, Victorian-style double doors inscribed with the English letters, “M E S S I A H”, going around in a circle. Ayu gets pissed and tells them to stop stealing her original ideas, and they hastily open at risk of a lawsuit.
(*everyone makes their way out of the theatre, Ayu dragging Ianthe behind
Faye: So, where's Cloud? I thought he'd be ready to listen to our useless comments already.
(*There is some off-screen talking, a bit of arguing, and Cloud starts to cross the room when he notices the comm is on*)
Cloud: Oh! You're, uh, done already?
Ayu: (*sighs*) Yes. Let's just get on with it, okay?
Cloud: Right. So. How scarred are you all?
Ramirez: Not especially. Aren't you tired of this yet?
Cloud: Shut up! So...say what you thought!
Ramirez: It attempted to get a laugh by using juvenile humor. Obviously, it failed. Such humor is only amusing to the immature.
Ayu: (*tries to shake Ianthe awake, fails*) Oh well. Terra and everyone, really, are horribly out of character. They act nothing like they did in the game. Humor fics seem to think that because they're humorous, it's okay for a character to not act like they're supposed to. This, I think, is just an excuse to write whatever the hell one pleases without regard to how a given character might act.
Faye: (*lighting up a cigarette, shrugs apathetically*) It was boring. This is boring. Can we go home?
Lezard: Apparently, it violated the laws of continuity of the game it's from. With, if I may add, little more reason and explanation than 'because I wanted to'.
Kaiba: What the hell was with the author running in and making those stupid comments everywhere inside the fic? That's poor form no matter what the hell you're writing.
Ayu: Uh...er, yeah.
Cloud: Well, uh, I guess that's it?
Kaiba: Cloud, you suck at this.
Cloud: Fuck you!
Kaiba: Fuck you sideways.
Cloud: What the hell does that even mean!?
Lezard: Well, you know how how a cock usually goes in lengthwise, right? Well, if you take something of roughly equivalent length and width, turn it sideways, and then use that to--
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, I GET IT.
Tifa: (*has a rather stunned/disgusted look on her face*) Um, Cloud? Let's just call it quits for now, okay?
Cloud: (*pissed*) Right, right... Sephiroth, hit the button!
Sephiroth: Yes, Cloud. (*hits the button*)
Ok: Disclaimer time!!
We do not own several of the characters used in the fic.All Final Fantasy VI characters belong to Square/Squaresoft. Faye and everyone else are owned by their respective owners.
We also do not own the fic being riffed. It belongs to Ryonan Girl. Since we did not ask first, let us know if you want us to take down the riffing. We're nice people (really!); we can work something out. Just be polite, and we will, too.
The whole concept of Mystery Science Theatre is copyright Best Brains, Inc.
We do, however, own ourselves. Do not use us without our permission.
>Terra looked disgusted at what she was seeing. The imp was going to fart at her.