In a yet undetermined time
I can't tell when it would be!
There were a bunch of people
Quite different from you and me!
None of them were from the same universe,
And normally they would never converse,
But circumstances being what they are,
Hojo stole them from their homes and sent them in the sky so far!
(Hojo) I'll send them stupid fanfics,
The worst that I can find! (La la la!)
I'll make them sit and read them all
And experiment on their minds! (La la la!)
Now keep in mind they can't control
Where the fanfics begin or end. (La la la!)
They'll just have to try and retain their sanity
With the jokes that they make!
Hojo: That doesn't rhyme, you know...
Ayu: Shut up, ratboy!
(*music starts up again*)
RIFFER ROLL CALL!
Ianthe! ("Make...the hurting...stop!")
Lezard Valeth! ("Open the gates of Niflheim!")
Xelloss! ("Sore ha himitsu desu! <3")
Faaaaaaaaye! ("Men are such idiots.")
If you're wondering how they survive up there,
And other science facts, (La la la!)
Shut the hell up, we were really bored one day,
So you'd better try and relax!
'Cause it's Yet Another Bad MST3K Ripoff! (*guitar riff*)
(*yet another day the SoA, everyone but Ianthe and Ayu are sitting around,
when the afore-mentioned girls enter*)
Ayu: (*toting a big sack full of something*) Hey, everyone! We're gonna explain the plot of Utena to you through plushies! (*drops bag, opens it, Ianthe reaches in*)
Ianthe: (*holding a plushie of a pink-haired girl*) Once upon a time, there was a little girl. Her parents died in an accident, so she was suicidal.
Ayu: (*holding up pushies of two young boys, one with red hair, the other with green*) Then along came two friends who were boys, although the nature of their friendship was questionable, and they found the girl, who had hidden herself in a coffin so she could be buried alive. The green-haired boy wanted to save Suicidal Girl, but the red-haired boy said, "No, I'm a friend of all women, and the only way to save her is to show her something eternal," and then he left, and this comment would forever haunt the green-haired boy because he's a creepy psycho but misunderstood bastard.
Ianthe: (*holding the plushie of the pink-haired girl, and a man with pale lavender hair*) But she didn't get buried alive, because a man found her, and showed her something eternal. Of course, what he showed her was eternal suffering. (*picks up a plushie of a girl with purple hair*) That is, his sister's eternal suffering, because he was too much of a putz to do anything about it himself. And then the young girl declared she would save the other girl from her pain.
Ayu: And so, pink-haired girl decided that to save the other girl from her pain, she would become a Prince. And that takes us to modern day, in which beautiful androgynous heroine Tenjou Utena (*a plushie of a pink-haired girl in a black jacket and red biker shorts*) is a transfer student in illustrious Ohtori Gakuen, and wears a boys' uniform even though her guidance counselor doesn't like it, but there's no rule saying girls can't wear boys' uniforms, so she continues to wear it and be cool and all the girls love her, especially her best friend Wakaba (*holds up plushie of brown-haired girl in a poofy abbreviated school uniform*), who GLOMP Utena everytime she sees her (*has brown-haired girl plushie attack and hug pink-haired girl plushie*).
Ianthe: But Wakaba had a crush on the green-haired jerk. (*grabs plushie of a man with green hair*) She wrote him a love letter, and he tacked it up for everyone to see and laugh at. (*takes the Utena plushie from Ayu*) So Utena challenged him to a duel, for her friend. But, while she meant a normal, kendo duel, he thought she meant something else. So then, she went to a weird arena inside a forest, and beat him even though she only had a wooden sword (*pantomimes a cheesy fight with the green-haired plushie and the Utena plushie*). So then, she became engaged to the Rosebride, (*picks up a purple-haired girl in a weird red dress*) who went to live with her.
Ayu: Now Utena's life became filled with wackiness, and she got challenged to duel after duel by members of the Student Council (*holds up plushies of a red-haired man in a white uniform, an orange-haired girl in a white and tangerine uniform, and a blue-haired boy in a white and blue uniform*), of whom the green-haired jerk over yonder was a member. However, Utena beat them all, except of course the red-haired playboy (*waves Touga plushie*), who managed to convince Utena that he was the Prince who showed her eternity when she was a child. (*picks up Dios plushie and waves it too*) However, Utena received encouragement from Wakaba (*waving respective plushies*), so Utena challenged Touga again and won back Anthy. (*does a little pantomime of Utena's second duel against Touga, which looks almost exactly like Utena's first duel with Saionji*) And everything was good again! Except, GASP!, no it wasn't!
Ianthe: Because, then we have Mikage! (*picks up a plushie of a man with pink hair in a blue uniform*)
Ayu: No to mention Mamiya! (*holding a plushie of a boy in a wine-colored uniform who looks very similar to Dios*) Now, Mikage wants to kill Anthy and replace Mamiya as the Rose Bride, even though Mamiya is a boy, because he loves Mamiya, and Mamiya is dying from a fatal disease, and professed a desire for eternity. Being the Rose Bride apparently will gain one eternity, so Mikage wants to get it for him, and so he manipulates people close to the members of the Student Council (*holds up plushies of Kanae, Kozue, Shiori, Tsuwabuki, Wakaba and Keiko*) to draw the spirit swords from the Student Council members! Meanwhile, in the background, Anthy introduces Utena to her older brother, Ohtori Akio (*Ianthe holds up a plushie of a long-legged older man with dark skin and lavender hair in a ponytail, wearing a red shirt and black slacks*), to whom Utena quickly becomes endeared, even though Akio is an asshole, but Utena doesn't know that.
Ianthe: Anyway, all the people Mikage manipulates fail, so he challenges Utena himself. (*Another cheesy fight, this time between Utena and Mikage*) Unfortunately, Mikage loses, because he is not the main character. He then realizes that Mamiya has been dead for years, (*takes Mamiya plushie, makes it pantomime croaking*) and he himself never existed. (*drops Mikage plushie*) Oh yeah, and he burned down Nemuro, the place where he conducted his seminars where he manipulated people, all those years ago. And everything is all confusing and it even seems like the whole thing never happened, because no one remembers any of the events.
Ayu: But it did happen, or at least we're pretty sure it happened, because it's a mirror of the actual end of the series, which we will get to shortly.
Ianthe: (*picks up Akio plushie*) And then more people fight, because Akio manipulates them into doing so. (*waves Utena plushie*) Utena loses her virginity to the prince of sleaze, because he's all manipulative. Then we find out Akio is also doing his sister. (*waves Anthy plushie*)
Ayu: Then we also find out Akio is doing almost everyone, including the men. (*waves Touga and Saionji plushies*) In the end, Utena beats everyone, and she finally gets to the final duel, Revolution, in which she has to fight the Prince, who is actually Akio, except not, since the Prince is angelic and Akio is demonic.
Ianthe: (*holds Anthy plushie, pantomimes shoving something into the Utena plushie's back*) But then Anthy stabs her in the back, and Akio takes her spirit sword and tries to break down the Doors so the revolution can take place. But the sword breaks.
Ayu: So Akio's all, "Oh well, I failed, I'll just have a random iced drink while my sister is being shishkebabed above the dueling arena, which by the way isn't really there, it's just an illusion created by the projector at the top of the highest tower in Ohtori, which I control." (*waves around Akio and Anthy plushies in appropriate manners as she says this*) But Utena loves Anthy, so she attempts to force open the Doors of Revolution with her bare hands (*moves the Utena plushie appropriately*), and in the end they open because she cries. And Akio's all upset because she's opening the Doors herself, so like a ratbastard he tells her to stop (*makes Akio plushie appear to be upset about something*), but of course she doesn't stop. (*waving Utena and Akio plushies*) So beyond the Doors of Revolution is a coffin, and Utena forces it open with her bare hands, and inside is the REAL Anthy, who has been inside her coffin the entire time. Utena reaches for her, (*makes Utena plushie reach for Anthy plushie*) and Anthy tells her to run away because the Swords of Hate, which is a representation of the hatred everyone ever felt towards Anthy due to her being a witch and taking away the Prince from everyone, will come for her. But Utena doesn't stop, and they start to reach for each other, and they touch each other's fingertips, but then Anthy's coffin drops (*drops Anthy plushie*) and Utena's left alone, and the Swords of Hate presumably skewer her alive. Later, things seem to be back to normal, but the Revolution has taken place, but since it's a quiet Revolution, Akio (*waves Akio plushie*) doesn't notice and wants to start the duels over again. But Anthy (*picks up and waves Anthy plushie*) has been saved by Utena, so she goes, "Fuck you," and goes off on her own to find Utena. (*makes Anthy plushie walk away from Akio plushie*) The end!
Xelloss: (*nodding and smiling*) That made perfect sense!
Faye: My head hurts... I'm going to lie down...
Lezard: I think I need to see this anime, if only for the apparently rampant lesbianism...
Ramirez: Ugh. I don't know whether I want to get involved or not...
Ianthe: Isn't Shoujo Kakumei Utena cool?!
Xelloss: Yes, yes it is! ^_^
Ayu: Hey, I wonder if we could talk Hojo into sending us Utena? Then we could just show you guys!
Ianthe: Doubt he'd do it.
Ayu: We could try, though!
Ayu: Here, I'll give it a shot! (*runs over to the communications board, but before she can do anything, the button starts flashing*) ........FUCK BEANS.
Ianthe: Oh, nooo.... it'll be the next part of the Black Rose...
Ayu: And not the good kind of Mikage-sama Black Rose goodness, either. -_-
Ianthe: (*sweats at that, but hits the button*) Let's get it over with...
Hojo: That was prompt. Usually I have to wait for one of you little monkeys to answer.
Ianthe.... We were just standing right here, so...
Hojo: Well, no matter. Today is--
Lezard: The Black Rose, yeah, we know. These two were wondering if you could get us a different kind of black rose.
Lezard: (*nudges Ayu*) Well? Tell him.
Ianthe: (*pokes her*) It was your idea.
Ayu: Uh, right. Hojo, can you wire us some anime?
Hojo: No. You're there to suffer, not to enjoy yourselves. It's bad enough that the Satellite makes you games without my consent!
Ayu: (*sulks*) Asshole. (*brightens*) Hey, I wonder if the Satellite will be able to acquire Utena on its own...
Ianthe: ....Maybe if it's exposed to proper radiation/magical forces....
Hojo: DON'T YOU DARE ABUSE MY BELOVED SATELLITE!!! INTO THE THEATER! NOW!!!!
(*sirens and klaxons wail as reds light flash*)
Xelloss: WE GOT FIC SIGN!
(*Everyone does their thing, and they head for the theatre*)
DOOR 1: Huge double doors inscribed with kanji reading “Kyuu Sei Shu”. Ayu uses her divine Author powers to open them.
DOOR 2: An elven-style stone door a la the one to the Mines of Moria in LotR. Ianthe says “friend in Elvish”, causing it to grind open.
DOOR 3: A door inscribed with the six Moons of the Arcadia world. Ramirez uses the Silver Crystal in his left hand to trigger the power to open them.
DOOR 4: Prison bars. Faye uses one of her high-tech secret gadgets to pick the lock.
DOOR 5: A hideous door composed of decomposing bodies. Lezard uses his necromancy to get them to shuffle out of the way.
DOOR 6: A regular door, only without a doorknob. Being the only one who hasn’t done anything, Xelloss pries it open with his staff.
[ Ianthe | Xelloss | Ayu | Lezard | Faye | Ramirez ]
Ianthe: Yay, it's the last one!
>The Time Devourer looked Serge square in the eyes, and died.
Faye: Woah, that was sudden.
>Serge pulled the Mastermune out of its back and ran down the stairs
>Belthasar, the prophet of time.
Ianthe: (*singing*) We three kings of orient are/trying to smoke a rubber
cigar/it was loaded,/and we exploded....
Lezard: (*holding ears*) No! Stop it! You can't sing!
>Serge crossed the balcony that looked like the one in Viper Manor,
>“Belthasar!” Serge shouted with exasperation.
Lezard: (*as Serge*) Screw you, you old fart!
>“Chrono Shift, you have arrived,” Belthasar said pleasantly.
>“Where is the Black Rose?” Serge asked.
Ayu: In Mikage's breast pocket, where else?
>“It is right here,” Belthasar said moving to the side.
>The Rose was intact, but the flower was completely black.
Ramirez: Of course the flower is black. It’s the Black Rose!
>“You have already disrupted time.
Faye: You created a time paradox and now the universe is going to implode. Congratulations!
>You have killed two Time Devourers, Lavos,
Ianthe: Killed Lavos? When was that? Unless you count the Lavos-as-Time-Devourer. But that just falls under Time Devourer...
>Harle, and The Frozen Flame is inoperable now. This is not the way it should have been,
Xelloss: (*as Belthasar*) And because of your stupidity, the universe is about to collapse upon itself. Thanks a lot, Serge.
>but you have proved yourself worthy. Or well, almost.”
Ayu: (*as Serge*) Well, what the hell else do I have to do?!
>“What do you mean almost?” Serge asked.
>Glenn walked out from the shadows.
>“Glenn?” Serge said in bewilderment.
Ianthe: (*as Belthasar*) You and the boy here are gonna make with the mad lovin', and I'm gonna videotape it, then sell copies on eBay. Hurray for yaoi fans! They'll pay anything!
>“No,” Glenn replied. “Not Glenn. Lynx.”
>Serge recognized the possessed Glenn; it really was Lynx.
Ianthe: Uh...how can you tell?
Ramirez: (*as Serge*) Shh! I just can! Don't question me!
>“Now, Serge,” Belthasar started. “You do know that Lynx is just the
>form of FATE, right?”
Lezard: (*as Serge*) I do now that you told me.
>“Then you know why you have to fight him then,” Belthasar continued.
>FATE once, you have disrupted
>her predictions, you have killed
Ianthe: Surlent. You asshole.
Ayu: But he'll come back. He always does.
Ianthe: But still.
>Lynx before, and you have destroyed
Ayu: (*anguished voice*) MY PANDA!!
>the bend of time.
>The only thing stopping you from going home is Lynx here.”
Faye: How? He has no actual power by himself.
Ramirez: (*as Lynx*) Actually, I'm here to pick up Serge and drive him home. Want some ice cream on the way back, son?
Lezard: (*as Serge, eagerly*) Would I ever!!
Ianthe: You don't know how right you are.
>Serge ran to Lynx. It just looked like Glenn with a Mastermune, Serge
>the difference though. This wasn’t Glenn; this was his enemy.
Faye: (*as not-Glenn*) Aughh!! Serge, what are you doing?! I'm your
friend and ally, Glenn! Why are you trying to kill me?!
Lezard: (*as Serge*) Silence! I know you're the enemy! The voices in my head say so!!
>Serge flung the Mastermune around like it was a feather.
Ianthe: Must suck for damage.
Ayu: (*as Serge-the-gamer*) Okay, I roll for Mastermune damage on a 1d2...SCORE! I got 2!
Ianthe: (*as GM*) Your attack does a light scratch on Lynx. He licks it and continues to look perfectly healthy.
>He felt a major
>adrenaline rush. He had worked so hard, and gotten so far, there was no way he
>could lose at a time like this.
Ramirez: (*as Marth*) Boku ha makeru wake ni ha ikenainda!
Ayu: For the Japanese-deprived, that was "I cannot afford to lose". Play more Super Smash Brothers Melée.
>Lynx blocked his hits, and he tried a few times to swipe Serge’s legs.
>getting so aggravated now though.
Xelloss: (*as Serge*) Dammit! That's a bad kitty! My legs are NOT scratching posts!!
>Every hit he tried to make, Lynx would block.
>As Serge blocked one of Lynx’s own hits, he kicked Lynx in the stomach, and
>dropped the Mastermune.
Faye: Wow, that was stupid. Serge now has no weapon, and no matter how hard he kicks, Lynx is going to recover and cut him up.
>He pulled Anna’s dagger out of his boot and put it into
Ayu: (*as Lynx*) Oww! You stabbed me, you A-hole!
Ianthe: (*as an announcer*) Lynx’s back: now it’s a compartment!
Faye: (*as Lynx*) Hey, I’m not the Rose Bride!
>When Serge had rescued Orlha, Anna, and Norris from the water after
>from the balcony, he had taken Anna’s necklace for good luck. It really was good
>luck this time.
Faye: What? You never mentioned this before!
Xelloss: (*as Serge*) Hey, Anna, can I have your necklace?
Ayu: (*as Anna*) What? No!
Xelloss: (*as Serge*) Well, all ri--YOINK!! (*pantomimes grabbing necklace from Ayu's throat*)
Ayu: (*as Anna*) HEY! Give that back, ya bloody thief!!
Xelloss: (*as Serge*) No way! It's mine now! It'll bring me good luck!
Ayu: (*as Anna, Maximillian Roivas voice*) MAY THE RATS EAT YOUR EYES!!! (*sobs*) The Darkness...comes...
Xelloss: (*as Serge*) ...It’s just a necklace...
>Serge wasn’t going to kill Lynx with Anna’s weapon though. He did leave
>dagger in Lynx’s back, but he picked up the Mastermune, and put it through Lynx’s
>stomach. It went through to the other side.
Ianthe: I love the descriptive language.
>He yanked it out and Lynx fell to the ground. Serge also pulled out
>dagger to return to her.
Lezard: (*as Serge*) Here's your dagger back.
Faye: (*as Anna*) Eww, it's got demon-kitty blood all over it!
>“What now?” Serge asked.
Xelloss: (*as announcer*) You just killed Lynx; what are you going to
Ianthe: (*as Serge*) I’m goin’ to DISNEYWORLD! <3
>“You have completed my Prophecy. Not FATE’s, but my own. You may use
>Rose,” Belthasar said.
Ayu: (*as Belthasar*) Just don’t throw it around like that Tuxedo Kamen freak.
>Belthasar removed the ancient flower from its vase and handed it to Serge.
Ramirez: Upon which it crumbled into a pile of dust.
>A blue streak of light flew across the room, and Harle’s eyes were
>on Serge again.
Lezard: For Serge was actually in a miniature universe of Harle's making, and Harle enjoyed letting the little insect think he had some form of free will left even as she manipulated his motions like a marionette on invisible strings.
>“Goodbye Chrono Shift. You have proved yourself the title of Chrono Trigger,”
Faye: (*as Serge*) Wait, wait... am I the Chrono Shift or the Chrono Trigger? Make up your mind!
Ayu: (*as Balthasar*) Bring me back a souvenir! I love Yakashima crackers!
Ianthe: (*whimpers*) Scary psychic crazy child...
>Serge was in Terra Tower again. He lie flat on the stone ground with
the Rose in
Ianthe: However, the rose was actually a polymorphed tarrasque-lich.
Reverting to its true form, it gobbled up Serge like the hors d’oeuvre
he was and commenced with the smiting and devouring of the world.
Xelloss: It’s...unusual for you to be that dark...
Ianthe: I can be dark when I want to be. (*pouts*)
>He picked himself up and put the rose on the authentic Frozen Flame
>that was behind him.
Ayu: (*a la infomercial announcer*) You too can own this one-of-a-kind, authentic Frozen Flame! Just call the number on your screen now! It's so easy! Operators are standing by.
>A young girl was there where the Time Devourer should be.
>“Schala?” Serge said in wonder.
Ianthe: How's he know it's Schala?
Ramirez: Serge has mystical super-powers, as has been established several times in this piece of crap.
>The girl looked up and ran to Serge.
>“My Chrono Trigger is here!” Schala shouted.
Faye: (*as Schala*) I knew my Prince would come!
Lezard (*slaps his hands together to simulate a fapping noise*)
Faye: (*punches Lezard*) Not that kind of “come”!
>Serge had been reunited with the soul he set free after he defeated
>all he had to do was return to the Chronopolis and find Luccia and the others.
Xelloss: But it was too late! Mothman had gotten them!
Ayu: What about the Choking Doberman?
Ramirez: You know, Hook Hand was bad enough, but that Mothman crack didn't even make sense.
Xelloss: Oh, screw you.
>But that mean exiting Terra Tower first,
Ianthe: I am certain that tower was destroyed once you defeated the Omni-Dragon.
>and Serge had new company to do it
>with. Serge and Schala ran down the stairs of time,
Xelloss: And tripped, falling down eighty stories to the bottom, at which their mangled and shattered bodies were devoured by zombie chickens.
>and hoped that the others would not be too worried.
Ayu: They’re all off hitting a bong. I don’t think they’re especially worried.
>Phew!!! It’s finally done! I hope you all liked it. I loved it, but
I think the
>plot is a little too choppy,
Faye: I'll say.
>and a little hard to understand if you haven’t
>beaten Chrono Cross and at least know a little about Chrono Trigger.
Ayu: Actually, it was made worse by knowing about CC and CT, since so many plot points were either ignored, changed or added. It made reading this migraine-worthy.
>I made up all the Chrono Shift on m y own, just to add for kicks.
Ramirez: Why? It didn't add anything to the story. Why bother adding something that's completely useless?
>Well, thanks for reading! And please R+R, I really wanna know what you guys thought.
Ianthe: (*flipping the screen the bird and pulling out her bastard sword*)
I'll tell you what I thought!!
Lezard: Chill, it’s over.
Ianthe: Oh, good.
ENTRY SEQUENCE...IN REVERSE!
DOOR 6: A regular door, only without a doorknob. Xelloss shrugs and blows it apart with his nifty Mazoku powers.
DOOR 5: Vast double doors sealed with powerful magic. Lezard invokes a power word to get them open.
DOOR 4: A castle gate guarded by two lonely mooks. Faye uses her “feminine wiles” to get past ‘em.
DOOR 3: The entryway to an airship. Ramirez, tired of all this bullshit, Silver Eclipses it into six separate pieces.
DOOR 2: Boughs of trees blocking their way. Being a ranger, Ianthe manages to talk them into moving out the way.
DOOR 1: Vast, Victorian-style double doors inscribed with the English letters, “M E S S I A H”, going around in a circle. Ayu gets pissed and tells them to stop stealing her original ideas, and they hastily open at risk of a lawsuit.
(*back on the deck*)
Ianthe: Well, at least that's over with.
Faye: Yeah. And the brainlessness let my headache from before go away.
Xelloss: Say, speaking of Utena, where did you two get those plushies from?
Ayu: Oh, we ordered them online and got them delivered express.
Ramirez: How? We're in orbit!
Ayu: (*holds finger up to her lips*) ....Shhhh.....
Ramirez: (*sighs disgustedly*) In any case, couldn't you just do the same with that anime you were babbling about earlier?
Ianthe: That's a good idea! I'll go do that! (*goes to leave*)
Ayu: (*grabs her shirt*) Hold on, you. You're not gonna run off when the rest of us have to suffer.
Ianthe: Ohhh... ;_;
(*one of the many screens lights up, with Hojo appearing on it*)
Hojo: So, rats, how scarred are you now?
Ramirez: My wrists are pretty torn up, but those are residual from suicide attempts post that story rather than this one.
Ianthe: Oh, Rami, you're such a kidder!
Ramirez: Actually, I--
Ayu: (*elbows him*)
Ramirez: ....am just kidding....right......
Ianthe: It was too short.
Ayu: You wanted it to be longer?
Ianthe: Um... no. But it was really short for a chapter.
Faye: It was even more pointless. What good did the Black Rose do, anyway?
Lezard: What was the point of having him fight everything he had fought before? As she said, it was nothing but fluff.
Xelloss: It was a waste of time and a waste of energy and a waste of space. Next time, the author should plan out where the hell the story is supposed to go and how the elements of the story should fit together instead of introducing things and then ignoring them.
Ayu: I would go as far as to say that the author never actually played either game, but heard it second hand from someone.
Ramirez: Either that, or played both games, but not recently, and based all facts in the story on faulty memory.
Ianthe: All in all, it doesn't faze us. Try again, but it won't do you any good.
Hojo: (*fingers and veins twitching*) Won't do me any good, you say? We'll see about that, puppets... Cloud! The button!
Cloud: Hojo, when the hell are you going to free Tifa?
Cloud: You said if I cooperated, you'd let her go free. I haven't seen any sign of that in all this time.
Hojo: On the contrary, failure--I said if you cooperated, I would not experiment on her. I never said I would let her go free. If she were not in my possession, then how could I bend you to my will without my son in company?
Hojo: So press the button or your large-busted would-be girlfriend gets it!
Cloud: (*mutters*) Damn you, Hojo... (*presses the button*)
(*the riffers go "......" as the screen fades the black*)
Ok: Disclaimer time!!
We do not own several of the characters used in the fic. All Chrono Cross characters belong to Squaresoft. Xelloss and everyone else are owned by their respective owners.
We also do not own the fic being riffed. It belongs to Glenn393. Since we did not ask first, let us know if you want us to take down the riffing. We're nice people (really!); we can work something out. Just be polite, and we will, too.
The whole concept of Mystery Science Theatre is copyright Best Brains, Inc.
We do, however, own ourselves. Do not use us without our permission.
>The Time Devourer looked Serge square in the eyes, and died.