In a yet undetermined time
I can't tell when it would be!
There were a bunch of people
Quite different from you and me!
None of them were from the same universe,
And normally they would never converse,
But circumstances being what they are,
Hojo stole them from their homes and sent them in the sky so far!
(Hojo) I'll send them stupid fanfics,
The worst that I can find! (La la la!)
I'll make them sit and read them all
And experiment on their minds! (La la la!)
Now keep in mind they can't control
Where the fanfics begin or end. (La la la!)
They'll just have to try and retain their sanity
With the jokes that they make!
Hojo: That doesn't rhyme, you know...
Ayu: Shut up, ratboy!
(*music starts up again*)
RIFFER ROLL CALL!
Ianthe! ("Make...the hurting...stop!")
Lezard Valeth! ("Open the gates of Niflheim!")
Xelloss! ("Sore ha himitsu desu! <3")
Faaaaaaaaye! ("Men are such idiots.")
If you're wondering how they survive up there,
And other science facts, (La la la!)
Shut the hell up, we were really bored one day,
So you'd better try and relax!
'Cause it's Yet Another Bad MST3K Ripoff! (*guitar riff*)
(*another normal day aboard the Satellite of Amore, the six riffers
are converged in the rec room, towards the close of a karaoke contest,
using a karaoke machine that the Satellite had custom-grown*)
Ayu: (*singing*) I am falling, I am fading, I am drowning, Help me to breathe; I am hurting, I have lost it all, I am losing, Help me to breathe... (*karaoke machine displays her score: 810 out of 1000*) YATTA!! That makes me the winner! <3 <3
Faye: (*grumbling*) Yeah, yeah...you just got lucky.
Ayu: What, did you think you were going to win with a score of 90?
Faye: That machine is biased!! I am not tone-deaf!! How dare it give me the worst score?! Even Ianthe did better than me!!
Ianthe: I got 165! I sucked royally! ;_;
Xelloss: I didn't do too badly, I think. 500 isn't great, but it's not horrible, either.
Lezard: You did better than either of us, Xelloss. With my 453 and Ramirez's 498, that makes you second-place winner.
Ramirez: Hmph. Can't believe I lost to the demon by two measly points...
Ayu: Man, none of you can sing. It's a good thing you men all sound sexy anyway.
Faye: What about me?! I'm plenty sexy!
Ayu: Uh, well, yes; but I didn't think you'd appreciate hearing that from another woman.
Ianthe: What about me? Am I sexy?
Ayu: ^_^; I-chan, you're as unsexy as someone can get...
Ianthe: Yay! I'm not sexy! (*dances a little jig*)
Others But Ayu: .....
Ayu: Well, anyway, I thought you guys weren't that bad.
Lezard: Yeah, whatever, Miss 810.
Ayu: Heh heh. <3 Gokurou-sama yo, Karamashi-chan! <3 (*patpats the karaoke machine; the walls of the Satellite vibrate/purr in response*)
Faye: This place is weird...
(*the Satellite goes from purring to rumbling warningly*)
Ramirez: Faye, don't insult the place that keeps us alive...
Ianthe: Yeah, I'd rather not get asphyxiated in the cold emptiness of space.
Faye: Right, right...
Xelloss: (*distracted by a flashing light*) Aww, damn it. Guess what just started blinking.
Ianthe: Aww, man... Somebody push the button.
(*Lezard obliges, and Hojo flashes onto the recently-grown nearby TV screen*)
Hojo: (*slightly annoyed*) What are you all doing?
Ayu: That's our line. Why are you in the TV? That's reserved for showing video games, DVDs and VHS and BETA tapes.
Hojo: (*waves a hand*) I can transmit myself to any viewing screen in the Satellite of Amore, and a television counts as a viewing screen! Now what are you six people doing, singing like that?!
Faye: (*getting offended*) Oh, are you going to tell us we can't sing, too?
Hojo: You aren't there to enjoy yourselves!! Why do you keep making my beautiful Satellite grow you entertainment?!
Ramirez: It grows these things on its own, Hojo.
Xelloss: If it makes you feel better, sometimes they disappear for no apparent reason when rooms get shifted.
Ianthe: It's hell on saved games! (*kicks floor sullenly*) I'd finally gotten to New Game + in Chrono Cross, and my memory card disappeared along with the Playstations and the Final Fantasies...
Ayu: You think you have it bad? I've been trying forever to get everybody's ultimate weapons in Final Fantasy X, and now the game and the PS2 is missing! Thank god the PS2 memory card is still around...
Hojo: SILENCE, CLONES!!
Ramirez: Wow. It's been a while since he called us that.
Lezard: Hmm, now that I think about it, you're right.
Hojo: SILENCE, I SAID!! You know there's only one reason I contact you mangy copies!
Xelloss: Yeah, we know. So, following the pattern, this time it should be The Black Rose, right? We've been doing that on and off with The Pendant--
Xelloss: --and since we read that last, it must be The Black Rose now.
Hojo: (*sneers*) How very astute of you, Mazoku. Since you already understand what's in store for you, then, I need not waste precious words on you. Cloud, the button!
Cloud: (*with a helpless shrug, presses the button*)
(*flashing red lights, sirens and klaxons*)
Ayu: In case anyone didn't notice, we have fanfic sign.
Ianthe: Man, this is getting boring.
Lezard: The fic isn't going to be any better, either.
Hojo: WHAT ARE YOU DOING, JUST STANDING THERE?! GET YOUR WORTHLESS HIDES TO THE THEATRE, NOW!!!!
Ayu: Oooh, Hojo's mad!
Ianthe: Is he going to make neat noises like De Loco now?
Xelloss: Later, later, we have to get going.
(*the riffers make their way to the theatre*)
DOOR 1: Huge double doors inscribed with kanji reading “Kyuu Sei Shu”. Ayu uses her divine Author powers to open them.
DOOR 2: An elven-style stone door a la the one to the Mines of Moria in LotR. Ianthe says “friend in Elvish”, causing it to grind open.
DOOR 3: A door inscribed with the six Moons of the Arcadia world. Ramirez uses the Silver Crystal in his left hand to trigger the power to open them.
DOOR 4: Prison bars. Faye uses one of her high-tech secret gadgets to pick the lock.
DOOR 5: A hideous door composed of decomposing bodies. Lezard uses his necromancy to get them to shuffle out of the way.
DOOR 6: A regular door, only without a doorknob. Being the only one who hasn’t done anything, Xelloss pries it open with his staff.
[ Ianthe | Xelloss | Ayu | Lezard | Faye | Ramirez ]
>(I Hope you all are enjoying the story so far.)
All: Sorry to disappoint you.
>Glenn and Garai were really goin’ at it.
Xelloss: Their bodies glistened, slick with sweat and oil, as Garai
pumped in and out of his son’s tight body—
Faye: EWW!! (*reaches over and smacks Xelloss*)
Lezard: 0_o; My god, Xelloss, even I’m not that twisted!
>They were hacking at each other,
>Einlanzer vs. Einlanzer, Father vs. Son.
Lezard: Good vs. Evil! Night vs. Day! Light vs. Dark! Burger King vs.
McDonald's! The Lakers vs. Celtics thing of the 80's!! Scooby Doo vs. Scrappy
Doo!! Ryuu vs. Ken, Round One, FIGHT!! Sub-Zero vs. Scorp—
Everyone Else: YOU DID THAT ALREADY!
Lezard: (*defensively*) Well, so did the fic!
>It was tough for Glenn to live up to his father Garai.
>Glenn ducked and weaved Garai’s attacks.
Ayu: Into a nice tapestry that he later hung on the wall.
>It had been a while since he actually
>had a worthy opponent. Glenn then used a strategy he had gained when fighting
>the Tim Devourer.
Ianthe: Nooo! Timmy!!
>Glenn took the sword in his left hand, and as Garai came down
>with both his swords, Glenn turned the blade in his left hand to the side
Ramirez: It was knocked out of his hand by the force of his father's strike, and Garai seized that opportunity to end his son's life.
>knocking both of Garai’s swords away, and Glenn took the sword in his
>and cut Garai’s head off.
Xelloss: (*as Glenn*) And this is for being so cheap with my
Ayu: Man, and Tidus thought he hated his father.
>Karsh had blown his father away.
Ayu: Using a industrial strength blower.
>Zappa was way too slow for Karsh. Karsh didn’t
>hold back, he just hacked away at Zappa, and Karsh won.
Ramirez: Somehow, I have a distinct feeling of déjà vu.
Xelloss: (*as Karsh*) You were stingy with my allowance, too! DIE, DAD!!
>Serge and Lynx were too evenly matched.
Ianthe: But then Serge used 'The Contra Code'.
Ianthe: Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, select, start. Also called the 'Konami Code'.
>Mastermune vs. Mastermune the two took each other on.
Lezard: Good vs. Evil! Night vs. Day! Light vs--
Everyone Else: SHUT UP!
>Norris bolted up the stairs to Anna. Lynx diverted his attention to
>though for the time being and chased him up the stairs.
>Serge followed, trying to keep up with Lynx.
Ayu: I can think of so many dirty things, it's hard to settle on just one.
>Norris picked Anna up and did the dumbest thing he could have done to save his life.
Ramirez: Because, you know, saving your own life is a pretty stupid thing to do.
>He jumped off of the balcony.
Ramirez: ....Okay, well, that is pretty stupid.
Ianthe: Whee! I'm jumping off the balcony! Too bad he can't fly like me!
Ayu: But half the time you forget you have wings.
Lezard: 0_o; How can you forget you have wings?! That's like forgetting you can walk!!
Ayu: Yeah, like Chappy Chappy.
>Luccia was wondering where the team could have gone. They were gone
>longer than she expected.
Lezard: What, did she expect a three-hour tour?
>In all of her studies there was only one way to
>destroy the Frozen Flame, by using the Chrono Cross and Chrono Trigger on it,
>but they were both in this new world.
Faye: Maybe you shouldn't have sent them in there, then. For a genius, you're pretty stupid.
>Norris landed hard. His right leg cracked in half.
Ianthe: Oooo, that's gonna leave a mark.
>He yelled in pain as he
>dropped Anna. Anna was too wounded in the leg from Norris’ shot. Lynx and Serge
>were face to face at the top of the staircase. They started their duel up again.
Ayu: (*sings*) Ryousei, ryoukoku, futatsu no watashi! Jouge, sayuu,
futatsu no watashi!
Ianthe: (*joining in*) Zengo, tenchi, futatsu no watashi! Tenshi, akuma, futatsu no watashi!
Xelloss: I thought you didn't know Japanese.
Ianthe: I don't, but I can sing it!
>Lynx slashed at Serge but Serge knew all the ways to block a Mastermune.
>an endless battle.
Ramirez: For Moons' sake, somebody just come in kill them both.
>Glenn ran up the stairs to his friend in need. Lynx turned and saw
>before him. Serge stood behind him blocking the stairs that continued up. There
>was the balcony, and a wall. That was all the choices for him.
Ayu: You could always choose to let yourself be killed.
Ramirez: Yes, that's always fun.
>Glenn came down hard on Lynx. Lynx blocked the two hits and twirled
>Serge’s Mastermune just in time.
>Karsh ran to Norris’ assistance and picked him up.
Xelloss: Then he carried him off to the Honey-Bee Inn to violently deflower
Faye: That’s not as bad, being that they’re not related. But I must still hit you for that. (*whacks Xelloss*)
>He held Norris in one hand and Anna in the other.
Faye: --Wait, woah? How can he carry two people at once? Is he pushing
steroids or are they both really light?
Ayu: Well, technically, it says he "held" them, not "carried". There is a difference.
Ianthe: But that's even worse! He's holding them aloft with one hand each?!
Ayu: Uh, different kind of "held".
>Karsh ran to Grobyc and dropped Norris and Anna off
>there. He headed up the stairs to end the combat.
Ianthe: (*as Karsh*) Aaaahh! Stop all this fighting, it's so wrong!
We're all on the same side, aren't we?
Ramirez: Yet he was happy enough to kill his father earlier.
Ayu: Dear god, he is turning into Quatre.
Ianthe: (*has a giggle-fit until Xelloss thumps her on the back*)
>Luccia sat in her studies bewildered at what could be taking them so
>could not risk the chance of going through, because they could be dead for all
Lezard: Okay, this is really starting to piss me off. There have to
be some kind of dividers between scenes to prevent confusion. The way it's
written, it sounds like it's all happened at the same time in the same
Ianthe: Or, at the very least, if it has to be all together, you can say stuff like "meanwhile" and "back at such-and-such scene".
>Grobyc looked outside through the gates and he saw the old Porre army
>through. Grobyc backed away and called to Serge on the balcony.
>“Serge-the-army-is-coming!” Grobyc yelled.
Xelloss: (*as Serge*) Eww! Not on my clothes, I just got them dry-cleaned!
>Karsh brought his axe down on Lynx’s Mastermune and Lynx blocked the
>kicked Serge away, but Glenn stuck the two Einlanzers through Lynx’s stomach and
>pushed Lynx off of the balcony.
Ayu: (*calls*) Byyye, Lynx! Don't forget to wriiite!
>Lynx landed flat on his back, dead now for sure.
Xelloss: He's not dead yet! He's not dead until you cut his body into
many small pieces!
Lezard: And burn them!
>Glenn, Serge, and Karsh ran down the stairs to get Orlha, Norris, and
>“We can’t go on like this,” Serge said as he was running. “We are going to
Lezard: Well, technically everything with life eventually dies. Be more specific.
>“Well if you mates could tell me what you’re doin” here maybe I can
>sorry arses,” Kid said as Karsh was picking her up.
Ayu: (*as Kid*) Even though you shot me in the leg and killed all my guards!
>The team headed up the stairs into the rooms on the second floor.
>“Well, how do we get out of here then?” Glenn asked.
Lezard: Jump! Jump!!
Xelloss: (*as desperate junkie*) Don't push me, man! I'll do it, I swear to God I'll do it!!
Lezard: (*chants*) Jump, jump, jump, jump...
Xelloss: (*as junkie*) You asked for it, maaan!! (*JUMPing up from his seat and flinging himself to the floor*) AAIIEEEEEEEE!! (*WHUMP*)
Faye: I don't know whether to laugh or call you a sick fuck, so I'll just tell you to get back in your goddamn chair, Xelloss.
Xelloss: (*complies, smiling cheerfully and whistling a jaunty little tune*)
Ayu: (*laughing*) Xelloss, you sick fuck.
>As they were running, Glenn came to a stop. The team turned to see
Ayu: Everything, in this fic.
>“It’s. Lynx.” Glenn said as he fell on his knees. “He is possessing my body.”
Faye: 0_o; That came out of nowhere. Wasn't Lynx dead?
Xelloss: He's not dead until you cut him up and burn him! Weren't you paying attention?
>Serge helped Glenn up; Glenn transformed right there. He formed double Glenn’s,
Ayu: There shouldn't be an apostrophe there. It's a pluralization, not a possessive or a contraction.
>the normal body, which was possessed by Lynx, and the duplicate, which
Ramirez: How in the world did he manage that?!
Xelloss: Maybe Glenn is a single-celled organism and can naturally divide and recombine like that, seeing as this is roughly the third time it's happened.
>The possessed body ran backward to the Porre Army. The real Glenn was
>and the team kept running.
Ianthe: Wait--but--there--no--BRAIN HEMMORHAGE!! (*curls up into a little
ball and starts weeping and whimpering*)
Ayu: There, there. (*pats her on the shoulder*) Stop thinking about it. It'll help.
Ianthe: (*snifs*) I'll try, but it's haaaard...
>“Well,” Anna started. “We have to find the Black Rose.”
>“The Black Rose?” Serge said running.
Ayu: (*as Anna*) So we can challenge the victor of the duels, and win
the Rose Bride! Then we kill her and replace her with you, Serge!
Ramirez: Incidentally, why are they calling Kid "Anna" again?
Ayu: Damned if I know.
>“Yeah, a long time ago, in Belthasar’s library, he use to water a flower
>day. The flower was different; it lasted for one hundred years.
Faye: Then he realized it was a silk flower.
>After all that time it kept its petals, it just turned black.
Xelloss: It's amazing what a little patience and some Miracle Grow can do.
>There is only one way to get to it.
Lezard: Or five ways, if you count the windows.
>We have to go to the Chronopolis in this world and enter the recreated
>of the Frozen Flame. That will take us to the real Frozen Flame in Terra Tower,
Ianthe: Um, it was kinda destroyed near the end of the game, remember?
Xelloss: (*pats her on head*) Shhh... don't point out the plot holes.
>and Belthasar’s Library is located in the Terra Tower. The flower is
Ramirez: And they need this why?
>“Sounds like an extreme amount of work,” Orlha said.
Lezard: Extremely large. Extreme by itself is not an adjective to be used with amounts.
>“Oh, it is mate, but it’s the only way,” Anna replied.
Ianthe: (*as Anna/Kid*) Y'gotta work hard t'be stupid, mate!
>The group ran through the rooms on the second floor. They came to a
>was positioned over the water. Karsh threw Anna and Orlha over, and Serge threw
Ayu: (*snickering*) Speaking of jumping...
>Glenn, Serge, Grobyc, and Karsh jumped off after them.
Faye: I used to do that all the time when playing Lemmings.
>They all plummeted into the ocean.
Ramirez: And died a horrible, bloody death, as they were impaled on
the spikes hidden in the waves.
Ianthe: Err...why are there spikes in the ocean?
Ramirez: Because I put them there.
>Orlha could not kick, and neither could Norris or Anna.
Faye: There were a bunch of gangsters up on the shore.
Xelloss: (*as gangster*) Them cement shoes is gonna help yous sleep with the fishes.
>Serge found the three of them under water and they all held onto him.
Faye: What? How? Do you know how hard it is to swim with one
person hanging onto you, let alone three?
Lezard: Bah! Simple physics and normal physical limitations don't apply to Bad-Fanfic Serge! He's beyond all those petty things!
>He swam to the surface and swam to the beach.
Ramirez: Why not go at an angle and do both?
>Glenn, Karsh and Grobyc were already there.
Ianthe: They didn't try to help? I'd be so pissed...
>Anna directed them to the dock. They hopped a sturdy boat and sailed
>“How long will it take to get there?” Karsh asked.
Faye: (*Anna*) Two minutes.
>“As long as it takes to get to Chronopolis,” Anna replied.
Ianthe: (*as Karsh*) Are we there yet?
Ramirez: (*as Anna*) No.
Ianthe: (*as Karsh*) How about now?
Ramirez: (*as Anna*) No!
Ianthe: (*as Karsh*) ...What about now?
Ramirez: (*as Anna*) NO! Don't ask again or you can get out and walk!
Ianthe: (*as Karsh*) But we're in a boat! I'll sink and the sharks will eat me!
Ramirez: (*as Anna*) That's right!!
>Anna directed them to the Dead Sea. Serge prayed they would not bump
>sea creatures again.
Ayu: Ha, doing that only guarantees that you will run into those monsters again.
>The boat entered the Dead Sea, and they traveled through the vortex.
Ianthe: (*as Karsh*) Are we there yet?
Ramirez: (*as Anna*) NO!
Lezard: (*as Serge*) He kicked me!
Ianthe: (*as Karsh*) Nuh-uh! You're on my side!
Lezard: (*as Serge*) Shut up, butt-face!
Ianthe: (*as Karsh*) You shut up, booger!
Lezard: (*as Serge*) Ow, you hit me!
Ramirez: (*as Anna*) If you kids don't be quiet, we're turning this boat right around and going back home!
>They ended up at the Chronopolis and they ran off inside.
Ianthe: (*as Karsh*) Are we there yet?
Ramirez: (*as Anna*) YES!
Ianthe: (*as Karsh*) I have to go potty!
Ramirez: (*as Anna*) ARGH!!
>Serge had no clue what
>this new Chronopolis was like, and he hoped it would not be bad.
Ayu: Bad how? Bad as in 'bad', or bad like 'it's-the-eighties bad'?
>They came to the main hall. It was much different than the one Serge
>accustomed to. It was one big room, no robots, and no security, just a room.
Xelloss: (*as Author*) It's just a room, okay? Just a room! Nothing special about it! No furniture or fixtures or anything! It's just a room!
>They walked through the small door that was at the end of the hallway
>to a large white room. There was no ceiling or floor just all white.
Lezard: Oh, sure, make it a color issue.
Faye: You're white...
>Serge looked behind him but found no door.
>“Hey guys, what the heck is this?” Serge said.“Where is the door we came through?”
Ianthe: (*as Serge, obscure*) What the heck happened to my door?!
>The whole team turned to find just white.
Lezard: Ugh, that'll take forever to clean up.
Faye: HENTAI!! (*pistol-whips him*)
Lezard: Ow! Stop that! I didn't say what they'd have to clean up!
Faye: You didn't have to, you raging pervert!! (*continues to beat him*)
>Serge turned again and saw a large computer room in front of him now.
Ianthe: (*looks behind her*) Awww, why doesn't the room change when
Ayu: I bet we could train the Satellite somehow.
Hojo's Voice: No you CAN'T!! And if you try, I'll throw you out an air lock!
>He glanced behind him and saw the wall of the room.
>The team was there too. Serge was bewildered as to what had happened.
Lezard: You're not the only one, kid.
>Inside the computer room was a map of the world. It looked somewhat
>than Home world and Another world. There was a ghost in front of the map.
>The team did not want to disturb him or get into any fights, so they turned and left
>through the door that was there.
Ianthe: Hey, you don't want to do that! Disturb the ghost! It might tell you vital information! Either that or it'll attack you. Either way, it's all good.
>This time it was all black instead of white.
Ayu: Hey, they're in Sique World!
Ramirez: Oh, Moons, no.
>Serge ran forward and looked behind him. There was nothing. He could
>see his companions either. The entire area flashed red.
Faye: White, black, and red? Somebody's gonna start to get an epileptic seizure!
>Serge was startled and fell backward, instead of landing on the invisible
>floor; he just fell and kept falling.
Ayu: Jesus, they are in Sique World!
Ramirez: No, really, please, no.
>It was as if he had just fallen off a cliff, but he could not see the
>The room flashed red again, and two bloodshot eyes appeared above him.
Xelloss: (*wheezy cough*) *stoner voice* Maan, I'm never pulling another all-nighter again...
>Serge stopped falling and just floated there.
Ianthe: (*as Serge, a la Professor Membrane*) I'm floaaaaaating....
>He suddenly felt the floor form beneath him.
>Serge stared up at the eyes. They looked incredibly familiar. Serge could not
>say where he knew them from though.
Xelloss: Most people wouldn't be able to identify a floating pair of eyeballs.
>He turned around and appeared in a room with
>a large black creature. Serge looked up to see the Frozen Flame. His companions
>were not there though.
Ayu: 'Cause they went out to get high on pot without him.
Xelloss: (*pantomimes taking a hit off of a bong, complete with sound effects*)
Ayu & Faye: (*laugh, the former shaking her head*)
>“Who are you?” The creature boomed.
>“I am lost in time,” Serge said not really knowing where he was.
>“You must be the Chrono Shift,” the creature replied. “I am FATE.”
Ianthe: (*as Serge*) No you're not. You poser.
>Serge remembered defeating FATE in Another World.
>“I have been called the Chrono Trigger, but never the Chrono Shift. What is it?”
>“Chrono means time.
Lezard: Well, obviously. That's why it's the root of words like chronometer and chronology, after all.
>So there for you are the Time Trigger, the Time Shift, and
>you hold the Time Cross in your belt,” FATE replied.
Ayu: Dude! It's the Hero, from RPG World!
Ianthe: Hey, yeah! He put all of his stuff in his pants, too!
>“I need to travel through this Frozen Flame,” Serge said.
>“But first,” FATE started, “aren’t you going to ask me where your friends are?”
>“I was wondering that too,” Serge said.
Ramirez: (*as Serge*) But I figured it wasn't that important. Those losers can take care of themselves.
>“They are with Luccia in their normal world. That Frozen Flame in your
>sealed off forever. I healed them as they traveled.”
Faye: (*as FATE*) Or so I claim. In actuality, I destroyed their bodies and devoured their souls, just as I will soon do to you. Heh heh heh. ...Wait a minute, did I say that out loud again? Damn!!
>“How do I get back if it is sealed off forever?” Serge asked.
>“You can go to your world one more time, but you shall not return to this world
Ramirez: (*as Serge*) But what if I forget something?
Faye: (*as FATE*) Don't worry, we'll just send it to you via UPS.
Ianthe: (*as Serge*) Oh, yay!
>“May I enter the Frozen Flame?”
>“Go right ahead. Godspeed Chrono Trigger.”
(*Battle of the Hymn Republic plays out of nowhere*)
>Serge climbed a ladder and jumped into the Frozen Flame.
>Serge was falling through time again. He felt the eyes watching him again. Now
>he knew who’s they were. It was Harle, watching Serge get lost.
Faye: Wait, didn't Serge kill Harle a while ago?
Ianthe: Yeah, she was talking about being tired of being on the top and the bottom, whatever the hell that meant. What's she doing back?
>Serge lie flat on the stone floor in front of the authentic Frozen
>looked up to be face to face with the Time Devourer.
Ayu: (*as Serge*) Hey, didn't I kill you? Twice?
Ianthe: Actually, in the Japanese version, one was the Lunar Dragon and the other was the Time Devourer.
Lezard: So is this the Lunar Dragon Time Devourer or the Time Devourer Time Devourer?
Ianthe: Uhh...damned if I know... Does it have a girl in a crystal on it? It doesn't say...
>“I see you have returned,” the Time Devourer boomed. You are lost,
>though you may be the Chrono Trigger, the Chrono Shift, and you wield the Chrono
>Cross, FATE will not let you by in your life easily.
Ramirez: (*as Serge*) Um, but FATE just said--
Lezard: (*as Time Devourer*) Never mind what FATE said!! You do not listen to FATE, you listen to me!! MEEEE!!!
Ramirez: (*as Serge*) All right, all right, don't go PMS on me!
>You have been chosen to live this life.
Faye: As opposed to die this death.
>Whether you like it or not, and right now, your fate is not decided.
Ayu: Not by my logic, which states that fate is something that is ingrained
irreversibly in stone, such as the fact that mortals will one day die.
Destiny, on the other hand, is something that can be changed by one's choices
Ramirez: Not everyone has so solid and separate a definition of "destiny" and "fate" as you.
Ayu: But they SHOULD! (*pouts*)
>Time was disrupted when Harle brought you to FATE just now. The
>prediction is scrambled up now, and it is unknown if you will live through the
>fight or die.”
Ayu: Okay, why can't anybody stay dead? First Lynx comes back at all,
then after getting killed in the fic he comes back in Glenn's body, then
Harle's suddenly taking Serge to FATE after he brutally murdered
her, not to mention FATE being alive, and now the Time Devourer's around
when that was supposedly dead, too! How the fuck are these people all coming
back to life!?!
Lezard: Death is a state of mind. Just look at me.
Faye: They're not dead, they're metaphysically challenged!
Ianthe: Apologies to the original MST3K.
>The Time Devourer flew forward at Serge. Serge stood there ready for
>He swerved the Devourer
Xelloss: Wait, he swerved the Devourer? What, did he jump up
on its back, find a steering wheel and suddenly
start driving it?
(*pause; then everyone bursts out in various states of laughter*)
>and jabbed the Mastermune into its back. The Devourer
>howled in pain. But Serge kept the Mastermune in there; he actually drove it
Ianthe: Oooh, he is driving it!
>into the Devourer’s back farther.
>The Devourer turned and looked Serge right in the eyes.
Xelloss: And then it declared unto Serge, "Marry me!"
Faye: (*as Serge*) Um... I don't--
Xelloss: (*as Time Devourer, pantomiming pulling out heavy artillery*) MARRY ME OR DIE!!
Faye: (*as Serge*) Well, when you put it like that, when's the wedding? And I want a goddamned tuxedo.
Ianthe: Apologies to Kefka's Comic.
Ramirez: It's over just like that?
ENTRY SEQUENCE...IN REVERSE!
DOOR 6: A regular door, only without a doorknob. Xelloss shrugs and blows it apart with his nifty Mazoku powers.
DOOR 5: Vast double doors sealed with powerful magic. Lezard invokes a power word to get them open.
DOOR 4: A castle gate guarded by two lonely mooks. Faye uses her “feminine wiles” to get past ‘em.
DOOR 3: The entryway to an airship. Ramirez, tired of all this bullshit, Silver Eclipses it into six separate pieces.
DOOR 2: Boughs of trees blocking their way. Being a ranger, Ianthe manages to talk them into moving out the way.
DOOR 1: Vast, Victorian-style double doors inscribed with the English letters, “M E S S I A H”, going around in a circle. Ayu gets pissed and tells them to stop stealing her original ideas, and they hastily open at risk of a lawsuit.
(*as the riffers exit, Hojo is already waiting for them*)
Hojo: No running away to play video games this time, my dear experiments! Now--and be honest, and with as much detail as possible--how was it?
Ayu: It was just as boring as the other parts.
Lezard: At least we managed to stay awake this time.
Ayu: True, true.
Ramirez: I don't think the author has a very clear concept of "life" and "death"...he deals with it far too flippantly.
Faye: And you don't?
Ramirez: I'm a soldier, not a writer. I have to be numb to pain and destruction to do my job properly.
Ianthe: The sudden end was weird. What kind of a cliffhanger is that? It just cuts off in the middle of the action. It isn't even dramatic or anything, either; the Time Devourer's just looking at Serge, and suddenly the story stops.
Faye: It's amazing how things like the law of physics or simple logic don't apply to characters and events.
Lezard: I find the loving father-son relationships in this fic even more amazing.
Xelloss: Bad characterization. Bad grammar. Bad spelling. Bad writing. Same old, same old. 'Nuff said.
Hojo: Grrr... I see... I see... Well, no point in dragging this out any further. Cloud! Close communications!
Cloud: (*mutters*) Can't you just do it yourself? (*presses the com button*)
Ok: Disclaimer time!!
We do not own several of the characters used in the fic. All Chrono Cross characters belong to Squaresoft. Xelloss and everyone else are owned by their respective owners.
We also do not own the fic being riffed. It belongs to Glenn393. Since we did not ask first, let us know if you want us to take down the riffing. We're nice people (really!); we can work something out. Just be polite, and we will, too.
The whole concept of Mystery Science Theatre is copyright Best Brains, Inc.
We do, however, own ourselves. Do not use us without our permission.
>“It’s. Lynx.” Glenn said as he fell on his knees. “He is possessing
>Serge helped Glenn up; Glenn transformed right there. He formed double Glenn’s,
>the normal body, which was possessed by Lynx, and the duplicate, which was