In a yet undetermined time
I can't tell when it would be!
There were a bunch of people
Quite different from you and me!
None of them were from the same universe,
And normally they would never converse,
But circumstances being what they are,
Hojo stole them from their homes and sent them in the sky so far!
(Hojo) I'll send them stupid fanfics,
The worst that I can find! (La la la!)
I'll make them sit and read them all
And experiment on their minds! (La la la!)
Now keep in mind they can't control
Where the fanfics begin or end. (La la la!)
They'll just have to try and retain their sanity
With the jokes that they make!
Hojo: That doesn't rhyme, you know...
Ayu: Shut up, ratboy!
(*music starts up again*)
RIFFER ROLL CALL!
Ianthe! ("Make...the hurting...stop!")
Lezard Valeth! ("Open the gates of Niflheim!")
Xelloss! ("Sore ha himitsu desu! <3")
Faaaaaaaaye! ("Men are such idiots.")
If you're wondering how they survive up there,
And other science facts, (La la la!)
Shut the hell up, we were really bored one day,
So you'd better try and relax!
'Cause it's Yet Another Bad MST3K Ripoff! (*guitar riff*)
(*Ianthe and Xelloss are sitting on the bridge, talking over tea*)
Ianthe: (*lightly bandaged, finishing up her story*) ....however, I didn't have enough to pay the cleric to heal me completely, but he said the remaining wounds should heal up on their own in a week or so... In any case, I've had worse.
Xelloss: Really? He was beating you over the head with your own arm, so I'm failing to see what could be worse.
Ianthe: It reattached! And besides, once I got eaten by a Red Dragon. I count that as worse. Especially since I got digested.
Xelloss: (*considering this*) Yes, that would be worse.
Ianthe: Yeah. From now on, though, I'm gonna try to not piss Ramirez off from now on. I don't have the money to keep paying for clerical healing...
Xelloss: (*sips tea*) That would probably be wise. He's a pissy little bugger, isn't he?
Ianthe: Um...I don't know if you--
Xelloss: Should be saying that, since he's right behind me?
Ramirez: DEATH, YOU DEMON BASTARD!! (*stabs Xelloss through the shoulder into the chest, lodging his sword in the Trickster Priest's body*)
Xelloss: (*glances at sword*) Wow, will you look at that. That's a pretty sword! Too bad physical weapons can't injure me, otherwise I'd be in a world of hurt right now. (*pulls out sword and admires it, the hole in his body closing up and his clothing repairing itself*)
Ramirez: Give me thaaat!! (*grabs sword back protectively*)
Xelloss: Well...you did stab it into me. I thought you were giving it to me. (*"innocent" smile*)
Ramirez: (*mutters to himself and stalks off, passing by Faye and Ayu as they enter*)
Faye: Oh, hey, Ianthe! You're alive!
Ianthe: Yup! They reattached my arm!
Faye: And the rest of you?
Ianthe: I don't leak when I drink beer anymore, so I think I'm okay!
Ayu: Yay for high constitution!
Lezard: (*entering bridge, drinking coffee, spies Ianthe*) Oh, hey, you're alive.
Ianthe: Don't sound so disappointed.
Lezard: Well, I was rather looking forward to reviving you as my undead minion...
Ianthe: Ick. Speaking of undead minions, would you mind keeping your horrible creations out of my room? I keep having to smite them!
Ianthe: Aw god, they're back again!! (*runs off to smite them*)
Lezard: Hey, hey, they take a good hour each to create!! Don't destroy them! (*runs after her*)
Faye: (*sitting down where Ianthe was and lighting a cigarette*) So I guess things are back to our normal.
Xelloss: Faye-san, you're very used to strange situations, aren't you?
Faye: With that fluffy-haired guy around? Hells yeah.
Xelloss: What's wrong?
Ayu: That. (*points at flashing com button*)
Faye: Shit. Let's ignore him today.
Xelloss: Do you want him to shake up the satellite again? As I recall, you were the one who took the longest to get her things back into order, Faye-san...
Faye: Oh, fuck you. (*gets out gun and shoots button*)
Ayu: Faye, are you--(*goes silent as button starts regenerating itself*)....never mind.....
Hojo: You look lively today, my little guinea pigs! I see only three of you, though...where are the others?
Ayu: Ianthe's destroying zombies, Lezard's trying to stop her, and Ramirez is probably off brooding somewhere.
Hojo: Well, they will come about soon enough. You all must know what I've called you for!
Ayu: You're having a baby! Congratulations!
Xelloss: You got lonely and wanted to talk to us!
Faye: You have no friends so you're going to kill yourself!
Hojo: .......NO. I assume you all remember The Black Rose? Well, I've decided to force the second installment upon you all! For the sake of science!!
Ianthe: ZOMBIE BASTARDS!!! DIE!!!!! (*running into the scene, followed by Lezard, then skids to a halt*) Aw, man, not him a--(*Lezard crashes into her, sending them both to the floor*)
Ayu: Wow. Kinky.
Ianthe: AAAAAAAAHHH!!! GETITOFFGETITOFF!! (*scrambles away from under Lezard*)
Lezard: (*getting up*) Hmph. You don't have to put it like that. (*sees Hojo*) Oh. It's you.
Hojo: (*getting annoyed*) Yes, it's me! Now let's just get this over with! Cloud! The Button!!
Cloud: (*sighs*) The fanfic button, right?
Hojo: Which other button would I mean at a time like this!?
Cloud: How the hell should I know?! (*hits fanfic-sender*)
(*sirens and klaxons and shiny loud stuff going off*)
Ianthe: WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIIIIIGN!!!
Ramirez: (*comes running in*) What's going--(*sees Hojo on screen*) Oh, hell.
Ayu: "Rashiku" ikimasho!
Ayu: (*grabs his wrist*) As Cloud would say, let's mosey!
Ayu: MOVE OUT!!
Ramirez: Oh, okay.
(*riffers head to theatre*)
DOOR 1: Huge double doors inscribed with kanji reading “Kyuu Sei Shu”. Ayu uses her divine Author powers to open them.
DOOR 2: An elven-style stone door a la the one to the Mines of Moria in LotR. Ianthe says “friend in Elvish”, causing it to grind open.
DOOR 3: A door inscribed with the six Moons of the Arcadia world. Ramirez uses the Silver Crystal in his left hand to trigger the power to open them.
DOOR 4: Prison bars. Faye uses one of her high-tech secret gadgets to pick the lock.
DOOR 5: A hideous door composed of decomposing bodies. Lezard uses his necromancy to get them to shuffle out of the way.
DOOR 6: A regular door, only without a doorknob. Being the only one who hasn’t done anything, Xelloss pries it open with his staff.
[ Ianthe | Xelloss | Ayu | Lezard | Faye | Ramirez ]
>The Black Rose Chapter 2
Ramirez: Wait, isn't this that boring pile of filth from before?
Ianthe: How rude! It's not filth! It's excrement!
Ramirez: (*rolls eyes*) My deepest apologies.
>Serge, Glenn, Magus, Norris, and Karsh went inside the temple. In front
>sat Ozzie, Flea, and Harle.
>"Magus!" Ozzie yelled.
>"Ozzie, Flea, where is Slash?" Magus yelled.
Faye: (*as Ozzie*) Out getting some tokes. When you smoke those, everybody
Ianthe: Hooray for horribly obscure personal references!
Ayu: (*pantomimes taking a drag*) Yuusuke wins! (*toke*) Kuwabara wins! (*toke*) I win! (*toke*) Old lady wins! (*toke*) Bird wins! (*toke*) Toke wins! (*toke*) Toke wins again!!
>"Slash is dead. He was too weak for us. We replaced him with Harle
>replied. "Why are you here?"
>"To kick your Asses!" Karsh yelled.
Ianthe: Hey, leave the poor donkeys out of this.
>"Hang on Karsh, Harle what are you doing here?" Serge asked.
>"Serge, ah mon ami, c'est super to see you again, non? I am here to take le
>garcon, Slash's place," Harle replied.
>"But you rule in tyranny, why? Why be a Time Disrupter?" Serge asked.
Ramirez: (*as Harle*) It's fun. I get to eat the flesh of the living...while
they're still alive.
Xelloss&Lezard: (*clapping*) Well done!
Ramirez: (*smirks*) Thank you.
>"Ah, Serge, you do not understand. Deez things are not easy for moi.
>world there is le Time Disrupter. I met you in one monsier.
Ayu: So they were in a Time Disrupter? I don't remember that happening.
>Remember when you
>were first put in monsier Lynx's body?" Harle asked.
Xelloss: (*as Serge*) Yeah, it was all fuzzy. I had fleas.
>"It does not matter! These three are destroying this planet, they rule
>and once every week ten civilians are killed for the Time Disrupter's
>Sacrifice!" Magus yelled.
Ianthe: (*as Magus*) You don't need to have them explain what they're doing! They're bad because I say so!
>"Well then I guess we have perfect reason to kick your Asses," Karsh
Ianthe: (*stands up on seat and points at screen*) This is your last warning! I will not allow this mistreatment of donkeys to continue!
>"Where should we look first?" Orlha asked.
>"Well, we need to visit the time disrupters first so we can get permission to
>travel," Glenn said. "There is a bridge connecting our island with their island.
>We are almost there."
Ramirez: ...Wait, you need to ask the time disrupters permission to
travel? Aren't you traveling in order to stop them? Why would you ask for
their permission for anything?!
Ianthe: I think this is another group... it still makes no sense...
Xelloss: Shh. You don't need to understand. You do need a sandwich. (*offers Ramirez a Sandwich of Forgetfulness (apologies to Jim Newberry)*)
Ramirez: (*accepts the sandwich*) Thank you.
Xelloss: Yes...a Sandwich of Forgetfulness...eat...forget...
Ramirez: (*does so*) Where were we again?
Faye: Reading bad fanfics. It doesn't matter if you forget anything, you're still here.
>The four warriors quickly came to the bridge and saw the temple off
>distance. "It should take no long than ten minutes to get there," Dario said.
>"Yes, but only five if we run,"
Lezard: And only none if we teleport. What's your point? Don't be in such a rush.
>Glenn smiled as her started to sprint toward the tower.
Ianthe: (*blinks*) Did Dario get a sex-change operation?
Ayu: No, it's a typo.
>Fargo, Orlha, and Dario ran after him.
>Ozzie jumped down from his chair.
>"What makes you think you can defeat us?" He asked.
Faye: (*Orlha*) Nothing, really. Just the fact that we can run and you can only waddle.
>"We have destroyed FATE, brought two worlds together to form one, defied
>odds, become the most powerful beings in Time Distortion of Home World and
>Another World, and we have defeated the Time Devourer," Serge said assertively.
Xelloss: (*as Serge*) But we can't open a jar of olives.
>"Ooh, a good rep for you I see, don't get cocky though," Flea said
>from her chair. "I want the cute one with blonde hair."
Ianthe: (*coughs*) In Chrono Cross, Flea's a guy.
Ayu: Hell, in Chrono Trigger, Flea's a guy.
>Norris backed away.
Ayu: Smart move.
>"As the Captain of the Porre Army I refuse to fight a girl," he said.
Faye: That sort of chauvinistic attitude is going to get your ass kicked, Norris.
>"I'm stronger than you think," Flea said.
>"No matter, I will not fight you," Norris said.
>"I want Ozzie," Magus said.
Ayu & Ianthe: Eww.
>"No, you are mine Magus!" Glenn the frog said behind them.
Ayu: Glenn the frog and Ozzie then proceeded to duke it out over who
would win fair Magus. Meanwhile, Magus slipped out the back door.
Ianthe: Too bad we can't do the same.
>Orlha, Dario, Glenn the Frog, and Fargo stood there, all ready for
>"We traveled back in time!" Glenn the knight said. "Brother Dario! I was once a
>Glenn the frog is me a few years ago!"
Ramirez: (*blinks*) That line made no sense.
Ianthe: I think he's claiming he's Glenn from Chrono Trigger. Which isn't true. Chrono Cross's Glenn was just named for Chrono Trigger's Glenn. They aren't the same person.
Xelloss: Don't think about the fic.
>"I want my human body back," the frog said.
>"SHUTTUP!" Ozzie yelled.
Ayu: Oh my god...for once I agree with the big fat green thing.
>Karsh jumped at Ozzie with his huge axe ready to hack. Ozzie knocked Karsh away.
Ianthe: Wee! He's going flying!
>Karsh came charging again and Ozzie slammed Karsh in the stomach sending
>backward and hit the wall, knocking himself unconscious.
Lezard: As well as making him vomit up his intestines.
>"I change my mind," Flea said. "I want that bright looking girl."
>"I don't want to fight," Orlha said.
Lezard: Gasp! The barmaid doesn't want to fight?!
>"But you must," Flea said with a smirk. Flea leaped at Orlha and a
>erupted in the room. The Glenn the knight and Glenn the frog had leaped at
Ramirez: ....Wait, first the fic says that they're the same person--even
though they're not--and now it's saying they're two different people?
Lezard: Listen to the demon. Don't think about the fic.
Xelloss: Leap leap leap! These people like to jump! ^_^
Ianthe: (*a la Dragon Warrior comic*) But you must.
Ayu: (*a la Dragon Warrior comic*) I don't want to help the king!
Ianthe: (*a la Dragon Warrior comic*) But you must!
Ayu: (*a la Dragon Warrior comic*) GODDAMMIT!! I DON'T WANT TO HELP THE KING!!
Ianthe: (*a la Dragon Warrior comic*) GODDAMMIT!! YOU MUST!!
Ayu: Woah, okay.
Xelloss: Apologies to Octagon Theater.
>They fought with him while Orlha was busy with Flea.
>Fargo, Dario, and Norris took on Ozzie as Serge tried to convince Harle not to
Ianthe: (*as Serge*) My name's Serge Peacecraft! Don't fight, 'cause fighting is wrong!
>"Please Harle, I don't want to have to fight you!" Serge yelled over
>"Je regrette mon ami, but it is Fate," Harle replied.
>Serge leaped at Harle and easily sliced through her.
Ayu: It slices, it dices, it makes julienne fries!
Xelloss: (*as Serge*) I don't want to fight you, but I have absolutely no qualms about ruthlessly murdering you!
>"I was tired of being on the bottom, but I was also tired of being
at the top,"
>Harle said quickly. "Now that I will die, I swill be very happy. Merci Serge."
>And Harle died.
Faye: .....I guess she had some kind of weird Lilith complex...
Ramirez: If she's dying, why would she need to speak quickly? Everyone knows that if you're dying and have something to say, you should take as long to speak as you can, because you'll only die either after you've said it or just before you're about to finish.
>Flea was doing a pretty good job on Orlha,
Lezard: Rampant lesbian sex! Oh yeah!
Ayu: Actually, Flea's a guy.
>and Ozzie had already taken down
>Norris and Dario. It was Fargo and Ozzie one on one. Fargo kept slicing at
>Ozzie, but Ozzie's metal armor blocked the hits.
Ianthe: Ozzie wears armor? I thought he just wore a big muumuu.
Faye: It's a typo. The fanfic says "metal" when it really means "fat".
Ianthe: (*shaking with laughter*)
>Flea punched at Orlha. Orlha fell backward, her face a giant, bloody,
>Orlha backed away now, fearing the time disrupter.
Ayu: (*as Orlha, a la Dilandeu*) My... my beautiful face....
look what you did to my beautiful face.......VAAAAAAN....
Ianthe: (*weeping*) Please stop...Dilandeu frightens me...
Ayu: (*dislocates and relocates her jaw without touching it*) Vaaaaaaaan....
Ianthe: O.O squeeeee!!!
>Glenn and Glenn had Magus backed away in a corner now. They had his
staff and he
>was wounded badly.
Lezard: (*as Glenn*) You sure have a purty mouth, magician boy...
>"Now turn me back," the Frog said.
>The Magus did so. The two Glenns stood next to each other now. That triggered
>the reformation. The two Glenns molded into one.
Ianthe: (*as PeeJay*) Holy shit! That was the worst thing I've ever
Ayu: (*as Davan*) Same here. Usually he makes more of a show out of it.
Ramirez: If they're the same person from different flows of reality--and they aren't, anyway--why would they meld into the same person? It didn't happen that way when Norris met his Alternate form in the actual game.
Xelloss: You need to stop thinking about the fic. Want a sandwich?
Faye: (*slaps sandwich away*) Stop poisoning his mind, demon!!
>Fargo was beat. Glenn tried to help Orlha but it was no use. Serge
>attacking Ozzie but he was only knocked away several times.
Ayu: Sigh. They can defeat the Time Devourer, but not Ozzie and friends. I weep for my lost sanity.
>Ozzie slammed Fargo in the face and there was a loud CRRAACCCKKK. Fargo's
>had shattered. Fargo slumped to the floor.
Xelloss: (*as Fargo*) Ugh, this is almost as bad as that raging hangover
I had last week...
Lezard: (*as Fargo*) I have a headache--and it's this big! (*stretches out arms*)
Ianthe: (*as Fargo*) I have... HEAD EXPLODIE!!!
>"You are very weak, I cannot believe that you actually live up to what
>me you have accomplished.
>Glenn had been beaten two.
Ianthe: Ah hah hah... fic made a funny. See, he was two people and now
he's been beaten, two?
Xelloss: No, I think it's a typo.
>When all hope was lost, Grobyc stood there in the
>"Grobyc-is-here," he said in his robotic voice.
Ayu: (*as Serge*) Well, shit. Now we're uber-fucked.
>Flea left Orlha and Glenn and went for Grobyc, as did Ozzie.
>Before Ozzie could
>get there, Grobyc fired his rocket fist at Ozzie and sent him flying back.
Ayu: Shouldn't that be "rolling back"?
>Flea kicked and punched at Grobyc but his metallic arms could withstand
>He slammed Flea backwards.
Ayu: The sky was blue.
Ianthe: And the puppy was cute.
Ramirez: And the story was boring.
>Serge killed Ozzie and Glenn killed Flea.
Xelloss: THRILL at the exciting, descriptive language!
Others: (*flat tones*) Yayy.
>"You have rid the land of the Time Disrupters, but I am afraid my time
>come," Magus said.
>"I have lived a long life, and all I needed to do to complete it was
Lezard: (*as Magus*) Lose my virginity.
Faye: (*as Serge*) But you didn't do that.
Lezard: (*as Magus*) ....Shit, you're right. Fuck. My life sucks.
>Ozzie and Flea die. Slash is already dead, so I am now content.
>The Magus stopped breathing.
Xelloss: And then, the Magus had a heart attack!
>Serge helped Dario and Norris up. Dario walked over to the Magus and
>the Masamune sword that Glenn the Frog had dropped.
Lezard: (*as Dario*) Ah, wonderful! This sword will make excellent cocktail skewers!
>Glenn helped Orlha up and he wiped the blood off her face with his handkerchief.
Xelloss: (*pantomimes blowing nose loudly, then dropping a wet handkerchief
on the floor*)
Ramirez: That's disgusting.
Xelloss: Thank you. ^_^
>"Thank you very much Grobyc," Serge said.
>"Grobyc-need-no-thanks. This-is-what-Grobyc-was-created-for," Grobyc said.
Ayu: (*as Grobyc*) Damn-my-empty-meaningless-existence.
>Karsh started to wake up now.
>"Oh, hell. Did I miss it all?" he asked.
>"Yeah, you did Karsh," Glenn smiled.
Ayu: (*as Glenn*) It was a great gay orgy. Too bad you missed it.
Ianthe: (*as Karsh*) Damn! I missed all the cock!!
Ayu: What? We can be perverse too.
Ianthe: Yay for yaoi!
Lezard: Someone, get me out of here.
Ramirez: Get me out first.
>"Dario!" Karsh yelled.
>"He doesn't know any of us, yet," Orlha said.
Faye: (*as Orlha*) Yeah, he didn't read this far ahead in the script.
>Orlha walked over to Fargo. She picked him up and put him in Ozzie's
>"Fargo's sacrifice helped kill Ozzie, he held him off until Grobyc was able to
>get here, may he live with the Gods forever," Norris said.
Lezard: (*as alternate Norris*) Fargo sucked. I didn't like him. So what if he sacrificed himself to help us? He was a pansy. May he be pegged by the Princess of Hell forever.
>The warriors walked out of the temple.
>"Now what?" Glenn asked. "How do we get out of here?"
Xelloss: (*as Karsh*) Damned if I know.
Lezard: (*as Serge*) Dance the hokey-pokey and spin ourselves around?
>"We could go ask the queen," Dario said.
>"The Queen? You mean there is more than one ruler? I thought we just defeated
>the rulers," Serge said.
Xelloss: (*as Dario*) Ruler? Oh no no, you misunderstand. When I say 'queen', I mean the 'drag queen'.
>"No, they were the time disrupters, the tyrannical leaders of this
>Dario said. "We need to find Queen Anna, she knows all about Time and Space."
Lezard: What? Why? How? That isn't a subject you can just find a book on and read about it!
>"Okay, lets go then," Norris said.
>The seven warriors walked along the coast of the continent. Dario knew the exact
>way because his father was a knight at the Kingdom.
Ayu: That reason has a hole in it. So what if his dad was a knight at the Kingdom? What if his dad never showed him the way?
>Glenn knew that he would be
>seeing his own father, Garai soon.
Ianthe: Um, isn't Garai, like, dead?
Ayu: Maybe Glenn's implying that he'll be dying soon?
>Serge looked up at the night sky. Right then he was wondering if he
>get back. He was sure Luccia knew nothing about this place, and how to get them
Faye: Even though the exit was clearly marked with a large, bright sign that said 'EXIT'.
>The kingdom was on the other side of the world, and right now they
>traveling on a boat all the way there.
>Dario had rented them a boat and he was driving them to the Kingdom.
Ayu: (*claps slowly*) Bra-vo. Abso-fuckin'-lutely brilliant.
Faye: (*starts whistling Gilligan's Isle theme*)
Xelloss: (*Irish accent*) Iceberg, roight ahead!!
Ianthe: (*imitates a boat whistle*)
Lezard: (*arms out*) I'M THE KING OF THE WOOOORLD!!
(*all stare at Ramirez, who obstinately has his arms crossed*)
Ramirez: I refuse. I absolutely refu--
Lezard: (*crotchety old man of the sea voice*) WHERE'S THE WINDOWS ON THE BOAT?! Y'AIN'T GOT NO WINDOWS ON THE BOOOOAT!!!
Xelloss: (*pirate voice, pantomiming driving a steering wheel over his crotch*) Arr, they be drivin' me nutz!
>The wind blew very fast; almost fast enough for it to be a storm;
Ianthe: Then why not call it a storm?
Ayu: Almost. Key word.
>so the sails were filled with air.
Ramirez: ...and cloth.
>They had been riding the boat for about eight hours, eating only off
>drinking from canteens they had bought. It would only be about one more hour.
>Serge knew it was way past midnight and he was the only one awake besides Dario
Ramirez: ....You circled half the globe in nine hours? Then...Jules
Verne lied to me!! (*holds up Around the World in Eighty Days, glaring
at it wrathfully*) It lied to me!!
Jules Verne: (*appearing suddenly*) Well, in my time, it was considered a feat to go around the world at all!
Ramirez: (*as he's talking*) Uh huh...uh huh...hmm? What's that? (*picks J.V. off the floor by collar--see if you understand the reference!*) WELL, FUCK YOU, MR. AUTHOR!! YOU SPEAK NOTHING BUT LIES!! LIIIIIIES!!! STUFFED WITH PURE VENOM YOU ARE, YOU LINT-INFESTED BASTARD!!!! HOW MANY MORE ARE THERE LIKE YOU?!! HOW MANY MORE?!?! GOD, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT I'VE SUFFERED, ALL AT THE HANDS OF SHIT LIKE YOOOOU!!!! (*draws sword and stabs J.V. in chest repeatedly, eventually leaving him pinned on the screen, then collapses back onto his seat, breathing heavily*)
Others: O.O (*trying to get as far away from Ramirez as possible*)
Ianthe: distance is a good thing...
Hojo’s Voice: i think i wet my pants...
Cloud’s Voice: I know you wet your pants!
Ramirez: (*gets up suddenly and pulls out his sword; the screen assimilates the body of J.V. and auto-fixes itself*) *mutters* Ask a different question!
>He looked at his best friend Glenn, who had beaten the time devourer
>with him, and Glenn had saved his life. Orlha lay there, as beautiful as she
>was, very still, she was dead
Lezard: (*creepy smile, already recovered from the horror of the scene
before*) Nothing as beautiful as a dead woman.....
Faye: (*smacks Lezard across the back of the head*) Don't be a freak, you weirdo.
Lezard: (*snaps fingers*) Damn.
>There was a very strong jolt on the boat. Karsh woke up abruptly.
>"What the hell was that?" He asked.
Xelloss: WHIITE WHAAAALE!!
Ianthe: Call me...Ishmael!
>Grobyc looked overboard and saw three large ocean creatures.
>"We-are-in-trouble," Grobyc said.
Faye: (*as Grobyc*) The-truck-have-started-to-move!
>Dario swerved the boat away from the creatures. They smashed into he
side of the
>boat. Everybody started waking up now.
Faye: (*with a laugh*) I feel asleep! ZZZZZ...ZZZZZ...
Ayu: Stop quoting that.
>The creatures were about fifteen feet long, and they looked like giant snakes.
Ianthe: I call the big one 'Bitey'!
>Serge had never seen any kind of creature like this before.
Xelloss: (*as Vizzini*) Do you know what these are, Princess? They're the shrieking eels!!
>One of the creatures leapt out of the water and onboard the boat. It
>and arms, and a mouth full of bloody teeth.
Ianthe: Looks like the sea monster doesn't know the basics of proper dental hygiene!
>Karsh easily took the fist one out
Ianthe: Huh? "Fist" one? You think they mean the "first" one?
Ramirez: (*voice dripping with sarcasm, cleaning blood off his sword*) Of course not! They said the fist one, so they meant the fist one! There's no such things as typos!
Xelloss: (*Neo voice*) There is no spoon!
>with one chop of his axe. He had decapitated the stupid creature, though
>there was blood everywhere. It was all over Serge, and in Orlha's hair, and all
>over the boat deck.
Faye: (*as Serge*) Aw, shit. The drycleaners are gonna make a fortune
off of me.
Ramirez: (*as Orlha*) It’s in my haaaaaair! Get it ooooooout!
All: (*stare at Ramirez*)
Ramirez: What? I’m not allowed to act?
>The other two monsters jumped aboard. Karsh hacked at them, and Glenn
>them repeatedly. Even though the monsters were on the deck now, the boat kept
Ramirez: Because Karsh and Glenn can’t aim worth their lives.
>Serge grabbed his Mastermune and looked over the edge of the boat.
>about twenty of these monsters. Four more jumped aboard.
Lezard: GAAANG BAAAAANG!!!
Ianthe: (*as monsters*) Dogpile on the human boat!!
>Serge took two of them out with one fellow swoop of his Mastermune.
Ianthe: Fellow swoop...? What was he doing taking out the others? Were
they going to dinner? A movie? Dating?
Ramirez: NO TYPOS!!
>The boat could not hold anymore, it was a fairly big boat, but not
>for a lot of these creatures and the warriors.
Xelloss: And besides, the neighbors were beginning to complain.
Faye: (*as neighbor*) What are you boys doing up there?!
Lezard: (*as boys*) Nothing...
Faye: (*as neighbor*) Are you fighting monsters again?!
Lezard: (*as boys*) Noo...
Faye: (*as neighbor*) Are you putting too many people on a boat!?
Lezard: (*as boys*) No!!
>Karsh and Glenn were holding off the port side of the boat well, as
>and Serge holding the starboard side of the boat off well also. Orlha and Norris
>covered the back of the boat as Dario kept heading toward the mainland.
Ianthe: To the mainland, dear Dario! To the mainland!!
>This time the monsters let out a full-scale attack. Eight of them jumped
>board, rushing to kill the humans.
Lezard: (*as monsters*) Kill the humans! Take back the boat!! VIVA LA REVOLUTION!!! SIC SEMPRE TYRANIS!!!
>Grobyc was able to knock one off the boat,
Faye: (*singing to Ninety-Nine Bottles of Beer On the Wall*) One monster knocked off the boat, one monster knocked off...
>and Serge had easily killed two of them, but Karsh was injured now
and Glenn was
>getting tired. Dario swerved to a hard right forcing three of the monsters fall
>off, along with Orlha off the back of the boat.
Xelloss: How do you swerve in a sailboat?
Ramirez: Plot contrivance.
Xelloss: That's not part of the plot!
Ramirez: (*light shines off of his sword menacingly*) Plot contrivance.
Xelloss: ....err....right....plot contrivance......
>Orlha tried to swim after the boat, but the monsters left the boat
alone now and
>went after Orlha.
Ayu: I like how these monsters have no name or description beyond 'looking like snakes'.
>Serge and Grobyc went in after her. They dove under the cold water.
>monsters everywhere; it was like a giant nest.
Faye: Of snakes.
>They were dead for sure; the
>monsters would pull them under from beneath.
Ayu: Nooo, they'd pull them under from above!
Lezard: From behind, like a gay man in prison!
Ayu: Shut up, you! (*smacks him*)
>Dario turned the boat around and went after his three fellow warriors.
Xelloss: Wait, he's sailing against the wind now?
Ramirez: (*as Dario*) Hello, I'm Dario, and...I defy the laws of physics...
Everyone Else: (*as fellow support group members*) Hii, Dario!
>Glenn and Norris stood there ready to help them aboard while Karsh
>tending to his cuts.
>Glenn was able to get Serge onboard, and then Orlha. Orlha was choking on water;
>she was bleeding from a giant bite mark in her left side.
Faye: Man, Serge must have been hungry.
>Serge was doing okay, now they had to get Grobyc.
>The wind blew incredibly fast now and when the boat hit any of the monsters on
>the surface, the front of the boat would slice them in half.
Ianthe: Um, that doesn't happen. Unless they have the Buster Blade strapped
to the bow or something.
Cloud's Voice: Hey, don't dis my sword!
Ianthe: I wasn't dissing it, and it's not your sword, it's Zack's sword!
>Dario was able to
>get to Grobyc and Serge quickly pulled him aboard. The monsters kept attacking
>though. Dario had no more time to think.
Ramirez: Because he got shot in the head.
Others: (*flat tone*) Yaay.
Ramirez: Wait, I'm not done! Because he got shot in the head, the bullet puncturing into his skull and piercing his--
Faye: PLEASE, no, not this time!!
Ramirez: (*sulks*) I never get to have any fun.
>"Glenn, head to the main land and get to the trading post that's there.
>should be easy to find," Dario shouted.
Faye: (*as Glenn*) Oh yeah, that's easy for you to say. I don't even have directions, beyond 'go to the mainland'.
>Dario let the wheel go and he dove off the side of the boat. The monsters
>only after Dario.
Ianthe: Seeing as he kept a wiener in his back pocket.
>"No Dario!" Glenn shouted.
Lezard: (*as Glenn*) Those clothes are dry-clean only! They'll shrink! They'll shrink!!
>Glenn had no choice; he drove the boat to the shore. He knew from Another
>that Dario would land up on the forgotten island off the mainland, at least
>Dario in the end would be safe.
Xelloss: Unless the monsters got him.
>Glenn had the boat dock right on the shoreline. The warriors all got
>boat. Karsh was able to use his axe, his wounds were minor, but Serge had to
Faye: 'Cause she's the girl. Chauvinistic asshole.
Ayu: Ah, let it slide.
>The sun started to rise up from the ocean. It was dawn. Dario was right.
Xelloss: It was better to die in the water than to come up for this
Faye: Hey, now that you mention it, why hasn't Hojo zapped us for being insolent?
Cloud's Voice: Oh, about that. Hojo got so bored from reading the fic that he fell asleep.
Hojo's Voice: (*snore*)
Cloud's Voice: ...And I don't have anything against any of you, nor do I care if you bash the fic, so that's why--
Ayu: (*snaps*) Oh, shut up! No one cares!
Cloud's Voice: Oh, that's it. (*sound of pressing button*)
Cloud's Voice: ....um....uh oh. I think I broke it....
>Glenn saw the trading post. He would go there and ask for the directions.
>The six warriors got the directions to the kingdom and started on their way.
Lezard: And got horribly lost, because the person they got them from gave them bad ones. Oops.
>They had to go through town and get a ride from one of the chariots
>through the city.
Xelloss: Too bad those chariots at best don't pick up hitchhikers, and at worst run over hitchhikers.
>They found three chariots and rode them to the kingdom.
>It was about an hour of traveling, but the finally found the castle.
Faye: Yeah. Those castles, they're really small and well-hidden, you know.
>up to the main door and knocked.
>A guard answered the door.
>"What do you want?" He asked.
Ianthe: (*as Serge*) Would you like to buy some Girl Scout Cookies?
>"We need to speak to the queen," Serge said.
>"What do you need to tell Queen Anna?" He asked.
Xelloss: (*as Serge*) We need to tell her that her life is a lie, nobody loves her, and her mother's a hooker.
>"We need her help," replied.
>"The Queen has no time for beaten stragglers like you," the guard said sternly.
Faye: (*as guard*) Only for non-beaten stragglers! Or beaten people who are not stragglers!
>"Don't make us force our way through there," Glenn said.
>"Yeah, because we'll kick your asses so hard, your momma is gonna feel
>(Now we know how Yo mamma jokes got started.)
Lezard: Looks like we're going to have to go on a crusade against Karsh for starting those asinine "yo mamma" jokes.
>The guard opened the door revealing about sixty other men there in
>"The P in Porre stands for perseverance," Norris smiled.
Faye: Oh really? I thought it stood for "prissy bastard".
>"How did you know that?" The guard said astonished.
>"It's the Porre password," Norris whispered to Serge. "This is the old Porre
Ianthe: (*as Serge*) Old Porre army? So where's the new Porre army?
Ayu: (*as Norris*) Over there. (*points*)
Lezard: (*as strange foreign guy*) *waves* Hurray! I am the new Porre army! Welcome to me!
>"I am commander Norris of the Porre Army," Norris said to the commander.
>"I have never heard of you," the officer said. "Lets me see your badges."
Faye: Badges?! We don't need no stinkin' badges!!
>Norris opened his jacket and there were all his medals and his certificate
>authenticity in the inside pocket.
>"Okay, you all may pass," the guard said.
Ianthe: (*as guard*) Because one person carries a certificate that I
didn't even inspect.
Ramirez: (*sarcasm*) Security's really gotten tight around here.
>"But let me tell Queen Anna you're here first."
>The six warriors waited patiently.
Six Riffers: (*whistling elevator music*)
>They sat out there talking for ten minutes when they saw the guard come back
Xelloss: (*creepy storyteller voice*) But by then it was too late!! Hook Hand had gotten them!! (*crooking finger and waving it about*)
>down the stairs giving them the order that they could see the Queen.
>only let Norris in though.
>"I will not see the Queen unless you let my fellow warriors in," Norris said.
>"Well then you cannot enter," the guard replied.
Ayu: (*as Norris*) Awww, you're mean!
Xelloss: Arr! Hook Hand!! (*still waving around crooked finger*)
>"Then we gonna bust in!" Karsh yelled.
Ayu: When did Karsh turn into Barret?
>Karsh and Serge ran into the main hall, Glenn and Grobyc went on in
>"You should always listen to your commander," Norris said pulling his pistol out
>and shooting the guard.
Faye: (*as guard*) You shot me!! You shot me right in the leg! I can't
Ramirez: (*pantomimes holding a gun to her head and shooting*)
Xelloss: Arr... (*waving around crooked finger*)
Lezard: (*chuckling*) That Hook Hand stuff cracks me up.
Xelloss: Arr... ^_^
>Norris ran in after his friends, he knew they would win, the old Porre
>just backup they were not any good. He started shooting his pistol from the back
>while protecting the injured Orlha.
Faye: ...What? Is there any other way to shoot a pistol?
Ayu: Throw it and hope it goes off?
Ianthe: You could beat someone with it!
>Glenn wasn't doing too badly. He had probably taken out the most soldiers
>far. His double Einlanzers could smash the weak piece of steel leftover that the
>army used. He knew of course this wasn't the whole army.
Ramirez: (*sarcastically*) No, the whole army is made up of only sixty men.
>Serge swung his large Mastermune around killing soldiers off twice
>The Mastermune was a pole with one curved blade on each end. Since there were
>two blades altogether he could kill two people at once with it.
Ianthe: It's more convienent that way! ^_^
Lezard: Twice the death for half the time!
Ramirez: (*looking intrigued*) Hmmm....
>Grobyc would stun the enemy first by smashing their face and kicking
>legs and stomach, and then once they were weak Karsh eliminated them with one
>large swoop. Karsh was no slouch when it came to fighting.
Ayu: I should hope not, him being one of the Four Devas!
>The army was gone now, and the warriors were free to go upstairs.
Ayu: But they didn't. They didn't want to, since they'd just come to kill people.
>"Make room for the Queen!" One attendant yelled running down the stairs.
>did he know that there were sixty dead bodies lying around.
Ayu: Makes for a hell of a clean-up job.
Faye: (*as attendant*) Make way for the Queen! And get a fucking mop!
>"I need to see the queen!" Serge yelled with his friends standing strong
Lezard: (*as Serge*) Sorry about killing all your guards. Will you still grant me an audience?
>"Well you will have to wait!" A strong voice boomed.
>Serge saw Lynx and Garai walking down the stairs with Kid behind them.
>"Queen Anna run back upstairs," Lynx said.
Ianthe: Main screen turn on!
Ayu: How are you gentlemen! All your base are belong to us!
Ianthe: What you say!
Ayu: You have no chance to survive make your time! Ha ha ha!
Faye: Would you two stop that!?
>"Kid!" Serge yelled.
>"My name ain't Kid anymore! The name is Anna!" Anna yelled back. "Zappa! Take
>care of your son Karsh here!"
Ayu: I didn’t know Frank Zappa had a son named Karsh.
Ianthe: (*to the tune of Ice, Ice, Baby*) Karsh, karsh, baby!
>A big burly man ran down the stairs confronted by his own flesh and
>"Serge is mine," Lynx glistened.
Ianthe: Lynx is a shiny kitty!
>"I want my father," Glenn said sternly.
Lezard: What? Where’d that come from?
Ramirez: Welcome to Non Sequitur Theatre.
Ayu: (*as Vader*) Luke...I am your father!
Faye: (*as Luke*) Yeah, whatever.
>"Well you ain't gettin me!" Anna yelled running back up the stairs.
>his pistol and nailed Anna right in the leg.
Ayu: (*as Anna*) Ow! Son of a bitch!!
Faye: (*as Anna*) You're going to have to pay the hospital bill, you know!
>Lynx jumped off the stairs with Garai and started the battle.
>"Grobyc!" Norris yelled, "Protect Orlha while I get Anna!"
>"Affirmative," the android said.
>Zappa started hacking at Karsh, Axe vs. Axe, Father vs. Son.
Lezard: Good vs. Evil! Night vs. Day! Light vs. Dark! Burger King vs.
McDonald's! The Lakers vs. Celtics thing of the 80's!! Scooby Doo vs. Scrappy
Doo!! Ryuu vs. Ken, Round One, FIGHT!! Sub-Zero vs. Scorp--
Others: SHUT UP!!
Lezard: Sorry. Got a little carried away. (*pauses*) Willy Wonka vs. the Chocolate Factory!!
Xelloss: (*creepy storyteller voice*) Hook Hand vs. Captain Hook!! (*waving crooked finger wildly*) Arrr!!
Faye: Enough of that, let's just go!
ENTRY SEQUENCE...IN REVERSE!
DOOR 6: A regular door, only without a doorknob. Xelloss shrugs and blows it apart with his nifty Mazoku powers.
DOOR 5: Vast double doors sealed with powerful magic. Lezard invokes a power word to get them open.
DOOR 4: A castle gate guarded by two lonely mooks. Faye uses her “feminine wiles” to get past ‘em.
DOOR 3: The entryway to an airship. Ramirez, tired of all this bullshit, Silver Eclipses it into six separate pieces.
DOOR 2: Boughs of trees blocking their way. Being a ranger, Ianthe manages to talk them into moving out the way.
DOOR 1: Vast, Victorian-style double doors inscribed with the English letters, “M E S S I A H”, going around in a circle. Ayu gets pissed and tells them to stop stealing her original ideas, and they hastily open at risk of a lawsuit.
(*the riffers all pour out of the theatre, and mill around, waiting for Hojo to contact them*)
Ayu: Hmm, he’s a little late. Usually he’s right on the screen waiting for us.
Cloud: Yeah, yeah, I got it! (*moving onscreen*) So, um, guinea pigs. What’d you think?
Lezard: Where’s Hojo? ...he asked as if he cared...
Cloud: Um, he’s busy. Something came up.
(*behind Cloud, riffers can see Hojo being forced back by a Jenova monster; he’s beating it with a large stick and yelling, “Back! Back, I say!!”*)
Cloud: (*sweatdrops*) Uh, hurry up, I’m probably going to be “busy” soon too.
Ianthe: It was boring. The story continued all throughout to not grab my attention at all.
Ayu: I don’t like how it keeps introducing unimportant elements and then ignoring them.
Faye: And what the hell is with all this unnecessary death?
Ramirez: I don’t know, the death didn’t bother me, but the continuity errors did. If you’re going to write a story, you should at least be certain of all your facts.
Lezard: I have to agree, for once. It isn’t nice to fuck with continuity, and it makes you look like a piss-poor writer.
Xelloss: Mm, not always. I’ve read a Slayers fanfic that obviously didn’t know what occurred in the anime past the first season, but because it was well-written and extremely entertaining--
Ayu: --which this fic was not--
Xelloss: (*nods*) --it was still very good. However, doing so is dangerous. If you don’t have mad writing skillz, not knowing what you’re writing about will only work against you. “Write only about what you know, and what you don’t know, cut out.”
Cloud: Okay. I guess we’re done, then.
Hojo: CLOUD!! (*managing to beat Jenova monster into submission*) That isn’t how you do it at all!! What about their suffering?! The breakage of their brains?! This is an experiment on the human psyche! You don’t just say “I guess we’re done, then”!!
Cloud: (*irritated*) You asked me to take care of them and I am! I have no interest in your crazy experiment!
Hojo: (*screeching*) DAMN YOU, MISERABLE FAILURE!!!
Cloud: Would you stop calling me a failure?! If I’m such a goddamn failure, then do all this by yourself!!
Hojo: SILENCE, FAILURE!! I WILL NOT BE ORDERED AROUND BY YOU!!!
Cloud: (*considerably pissed*) Oh yeah?! Well, fuck you all!! (*smashes fist on the com button*)
Ok: Disclaimer time!!
We do not own several of the characters used in the fic. All Chrono Cross characters belong to Squaresoft. Xelloss and everyone else are owned by their respective owners.
We also do not own the fic being riffed. It belongs to Glenn393. Since we did not ask first, let us know if you want us to take down the riffing. We're nice people (really!); we can work something out. Just be polite, and we will, too.
The whole concept of Mystery Science Theatre is copyright Best Brains, Inc.
We do, however, own ourselves. Do not use us without our permission.
>"We traveled back in time!" Glenn the knight said. "Brother Dario!
I was once a
>Glenn the frog is me a few years ago!"