Cheetimus Primal: The internet probably doesn't exist either, since it's not mentioned in the Bible.
GR Crosscut: What!? Haven't you read of OMG 13:37? Where MoXXors leads the j00s out of pwnage?
 -- Allspark Forums

"Paranoid schizophrenics fear other people. Disorganized schizophrenics see and hear other people. People with MPD ARE other people."
 -- aten_ra

pyrephox: You do not gain feline characteristics from being around cats, tigers or not. Otherwise, those crazy cat ladies would be WAY more fearsome.
lampdevil: Dude, okay, now I want to go and make some kind of crazy mutant catlady with her little cat army of doom, and stuff. It sounds fun! I hope you're happy. XD
pyrephox: Doooooooo iiiiiiiiiit! You know you need to. Little old Miss Johansson down the street, with blue hair, wrinkles, and CAT SOLDIERS! She's out to rule the world! (Before seven, though, because she gets tired easily.)
 -- Comments on a posting in bad_rpers_suck

Bluejay: Aw, if he really did take my advice, I'd bail. 'Screw you all, I'm walking home!'
Lucklarin: That'd be one high-stakes game of Frogger on the highway.
Bluejay: Well, that's just until the cars hit you. Then it's a low-stakes game of Tetris! (*begins humming Tetris theme music, complete with hand gestures of the shapes*)

"Hey, someone threw out a VCR! Oh, it's smashed. That's why."
 -- Bluejay

"Family is more than blood. Family is what sticks around when you're being stupid and ofers you a hand up when you realise your mistake. Family is what gives you a shoulder to cry on when you're terrified of the future, or the past. Family is so far beyond genetics it defies definition."
 -- cat_mcdougall

"I have found that the surest way to know someone will commit evil acts is if said person is obsessed with the idea others are evil."
 -- dragonscholar

"Does anyone here have bourbon?"
 -- Dr. Jerome Hand

"What the hell have I been talking about?!?"
 -- Dr. Jerome Hand

"Henry the Eighth laid everything but the Atlantic cable."
 -- Dr. Jerome Hand

"What was I talking about? Oh, gore, yeah!"
 -- Dr. Jerome Hand

(*fighting with a hearing aid*) "Hold on, I'm not wired for sound. Anyone have a crowbar?"
 -- Dr. Jerome Hand

"According to doubtful scholars, 'Shakespeare was an uneducated hick'."
 -- Dr. Jerome Hand

"No cell phones. You will be buried alive."
 -- Professor Curtis Herr

"That's a bad idea. Everyone say it. Baaaaaaad."
 -- Professor Curtis Herr

"It's not like I'm going: Oh wow, incest! This is great!"
 -- Professor Curtis Herr

"I'm on cold medication and could pass out at any minute."
 -- Professor Curtis Herr

"What little kids are going to be like, 'Wow, German expressionist figures!'?
 -- Professor Curtis Herr

"No matter how many college degrees you have, if you're a jerk, you're still a jerk."
 -- Professor Curtis Herr

(*beeper goes off*) "Is that technology in my classroom?"
 -- Professor Curtis Herr

Student: I only read ten pages so far.
Professor Herr: Pick it up or I will beat you. I'm serious.

Professor Herr: Lestat views people as hamburgers; throw away the wrapper when you're done.
Students: (*laugh*)
Professor Herr: Some of you smiled a little too much at that; you're scaring me.

"Don't buy for a minute what an author says. They're only screwing with your head."
 -- Professor Curtis Herr

moonjaguar: Anyone can sing? I can't sing, therefore I am no one.
dorothy1901: Anyone know the Latin for "I cannot sing, therefore I am not?"
kroki_refur: Erm... non cantare posso, ergo non sum? *is crap at Latin* Er, or maybe non cantare possum, ergo non sum. I think posso is Portuguese...
moonjaguar: I'm not a singing possum?
kroki_refur: Sounds good. "I'm not a singing possum, therefore I don't exist." Gotta love that Descartes, he was a clever, clever man.
 -- A thread in otf_wank

"Should I buy an SNES? Also, should I vote for McGovern? Who do you think will win the Civil War? How about that crazy New World, huh? Anybody hear about this so-called "Printing Press"? Monotheism - just a fad? Which do you prefer: hunt, gather, hunt AND gather, or this new "agriculture" we keep hearing about? Fire hot? Land? Water? Mitosis?"
 -- Dasein Fiasco, RPGNET Message Boards

"Oh, that was such a tragic accident. He drank Pepsi all the time and only Pepsi, allergic to the other stuff. Except that the waiter got his order wrong, and now he dead from Coke."
 -- flinkie

"What's that smell?"
"...Death smells like strawberries."
 -- Overheard at Katsucon 8

"Does she make snooty, stupid comments like Mr. Primadonna- er... I mean Squall?"
Laguna: Hey, there you are. So you have a life threatening illness? Okie-dokie, I'll give you some of my blood! Durrrr!
Charity: ...whatever. (*silver tears of angsty-angst-angst because her life is a dark pit of darkness from which there is no escape*)
 -- kthm

"Now isn't this something. I didn't know these were Dwarf infested waters. Neato ring though. *yoink*"
 -- Loki, RPGamer Letters

"What am I, a fucking cat? I'm gonna grow frickin' kitty ears and a tail if I get any lazier, I swear."
 -- Lucklarin

HamsterCorp: Pokemon is game built entirely on slaughtering hordes of cute things with your team of cute things.
Raenok: More like pounding the crap out of them. Then, you can capture the cute things in airtight balls, and force them to do your bidding, and never feed or take care of them.
 -- OC ReMix Forum

"'Internet language'!? You ****ing morons with your ****ing 'internet language'. It's not a language! It's laziness, and poor typing skills!"
 -- Oreo Xander, GameFAQS Message Boards

"She said proofs build character. Build character? I don't give a shit about calculus; I'm not a math major. I'm a chemist--chemists are sleazy. 'So, what did you get?' 'I don't know, what did you want it to be?'"
 -- Overheard in an Organic Chemistry Lecture

"Spelling and grammar are to the internet world as tooth-brushing and hair-washing are to the real world. No matter how nice of a person you are, people are still going to form a bad opinion of you based on your outward presentation and hygiene."
 -- Pink Freak, Slap to the Head Fanfiction!

"God also called bats unclean birds once, if I remember my Deuteronomy correctly. And it's in the Bible, so it's true! I don't know about anyone else, but I'm dyeing bat eggs for Easter."
 -- rowsdower

"Angst > All else.
If Situation + Sense = -Angst, then -Sense."
 -- sanspantalons

evil_genius: I so envy the moon.
sandoz_iscariot: The moon likes to watch.
evil_genius: That filthy bastard. He is always so "oh yeah look at me I am so romantic and unobtrusive. You should totally make out under me." Sicko...... I am so not leaving my blinds open for the moon anymore. I feel so cheap, so used.
 -- Comments on a posting in scans_daily

"I refuse to believe in the Bible because dinosaurs aren't in it."
 -- seto_fangirl

"I've always found the idea that humans accidently got shuffled out of ape-like hominids both more convincing and more comforting than the idea that some all-powerful being was fucked up enough to think we were a good idea at the time."
 -- teratologist

"...Swallowed...blood shit..."
 -- 'This is Otakudom'

"If human transmutation would actually work, I'd learn alchemy for no other reason than to bring back Darwin. And give him a high-powered assault rifle."
 -- zannechaos